Things nannies should not do: Nanny etiquette: 8 Things You Should Never Do

Nanny etiquette: 8 Things You Should Never Do

family

By Suzanne Zuckerman

Published Feb 16, 2017

Your kid’s caregiver is the last person you’d ever want to drive bananas. But, as in any close relationship, you’re probably doing something that makes her insane. We asked a real New York-area nanny with over a decade of experience working for multiple families to reveal her grievances—from the eye-opening to the jaw-dropping. So if you want to abide by the proper nanny etiquette, here are the eight things she really, really wants you to stop doing.

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1. Treat Her Like A Housekeeper

Unless light cleaning was part of the deal when you hired her, asking your sitter to Swiffer can be irksome. “With one family, I did plenty of housework for the kids already, like washing the baby’s laundry and the toddler’s towels,” says the nanny. “But when the dad would snarkily remark that the TV stand needed dusting, that was annoying. ”

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2. Have Her Watch Extra Kids For Free

Our nanny found herself caring for her employer’s two kids, plus the neighbors’ kids who would come over for almost daily, hours-long playdates. That’s double the feeding, soothing and, yep, wiping she had to do, gratis.

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3. Throw Your Laundry In With Your Kids’

“I was close with the mom I worked for, so I didn’t really mind when her laundry started showing up in the kids’ hamper,” says our nanny. “But washing her husband’s underwear was just gross. I was like, Really?”

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4. Be Late For No Good Reason

What tops our nanny’s list of gripes? “Telling me you’re going to be home at a certain time and then coming home late when you were clearly at happy hour.” Do your best to stick to the plan, and if you’re going to be more than five minutes late, send a text.

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5. Have Unrealistic Expectations

“Once, during a terrible blizzard—ice, rain, sleet, all that crazy stuff—my boss asked me to come in,” recalls our nanny. Remember that your childcare provider is a human. If you’re asking her to do something you couldn’t or wouldn’t do yourself, it’s probably too much.

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6. Expect Her To Spot You Cash

“A mom I worked for would give me a long list of groceries to shop for every week,” says the nanny. “Then she would wait until Friday to reimburse me, along with my pay. I felt too awkward bringing it up, but I was basically loaning them all of my money for their groceries every week.”

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7. Make Her Your Stand-in At School

No matter how much time your sitter spends with the kids, you should be the primary liaison with their educators. “One couple would send me in to school for parent-teacher conferences,” our nanny told us. “And their son’s teachers would lecture me about his behavioral problems. It really crossed the line from professional to personal.”

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8. Be Way Too Controlling

Our nanny watched a girl for the first two years of her life and, get this, the parents never let her leave the house. Don’t impose crazy, controlling rules on your nanny. You hired her because you trusted her, after all.

12 things you should never do while babysitting

True story: My mom friend Lori had a babysitter who shoplifted while watching her child and got caught by the police. Total nightmare for a parent.

While shoplifting on the job is an obvious no-no for a babysitter, there are a lot of behaviors you might not realize aren’t OK. The consequences? It may make you seem unprofessional, put the kids in danger or break the parents’ trust in you. In fact, 64% of parents say finding a babysitter they like and trust is stressful — and a reason not to hire someone altogether, according to one Care.com Babysitter Survey.

To make sure you get hired — and keep getting hired — here are 12 things you should never, ever do while babysitting.

1. Don’t take the kids out of the home without permission

To prevent worry and safety concerns, parents should always know where their child is, says Elizabeth Malson, founder of the US Nanny Institute in Bradenton, Florida. If you’ve been hired for a date night or regular after-school babysitting job, they’re assuming you and the kids are going to stay homebound.

“You need to have permission in advance to take anyone’s child somewhere in advance unless it’s an emergency situation,” says Malson.

In the same vein, if you do have permission to take the children somewhere and you don’t go, the parents should know that, too.

“For example, if the child was supposed to be going to soccer but they’re not going because they’re ill, the sitter needs to communicate that,” says Malson. “Always let parents know if plans change.”

2. Don’t take or post photos of the kids

“Never post pictures of other people’s kids on social media,” says Malson. “It’s a privacy issue. Some parents don’t want their kids’ names and photos out in public, so this is not appropriate without the parent’s permission.”

According to the Care.com survey, 65% of parents ask caregivers not to post photos of their children on social media. Your employer might not want you to even take pictures, so always ask first.

3. Don’t be on your phone.

It’s not just taking pictures. You shouldn’t text, talk or use your cell phone at all while you’re on the job, except to communicate with the parents. Parents are expecting you to be 100% focused on watching their children. In fact, 76% of parents say they don’t want their sitter to be distracted by their phone.

“Put your phone away in your bag or purse,” advises Rachel Charlupski, founder of The Babysitting Company in Miami, who suggests communicating with a parent on how frequently you should check your messages. “If you’re on your phone, you’re not with the children,” she says.

4. Don’t smoke, drink or do drugs

Some sitters might think it’s OK to relax with a glass of wine after the kids go to bed, but remember you’re still on the job while the kids are sleeping. In case they wake up or there’s an emergency, you’ll need to stay sharp and fully responsible.

“Never smoke, imbibe alcohol or use controlled substances on the job,” says Malson, who adds that tobacco use of any kind is very unprofessional and often frowned upon by parents. “Don’t even go outside to smoke because the smell will be on your clothes.”

If you’re a smoker, consider quitting or stocking up on nicotine gum if you’re unsure you’ll last the whole job without craving a cigarette.

5. Don’t make the family’s business public

When I asked friends about negative babysitter experiences, several of them mentioned their sitters gossiping or saying negative things about them to others.

“My babysitter complained via text to our former nanny about how whiny my kids are, and she accidentally sent it to me instead,” says Shannon, a mom in Santa Clarita, California, who ended up firing that sitter.

Even if you send the text to the right contact, your complaints could easily get back to your employer, so be careful what you say or type. Even if you’re not complaining, any information should be handled discreetly. For example, if you’re asking an online forum or other sitters for advice, you always want to keep your employers’ identities and correspondence private.

“It’s unprofessional to screenshot and post a message conversation with an employer,” says Malson. “If you need help, post a description of the situation in your own words, not a screenshot grab. There could be identifying information in the post, and it may or may not be out of context.”

6. Don’t watch inappropriate shows or videos

Your babysitting job isn’t the place to catch up on “Ozark” or revisit “Sex and the City.”

“If a kid comes up and sees this big scary [or inappropriate] thing, you could traumatize them,” says Malson.

May we recommend a little HGTV instead?

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7. Don’t introduce new or controversial discipline

It’s important, before you babysit for the family, that you’re clear on the rules of the house and how misbehavior is usually handled. That way, you can implement the same disciplinary strategies the parents usually do — taking away TV time or timeouts, for example. In discipline, consistency is important.

And it might be obvious, but babysitters should never abuse, spank or yell at kids.

“In no way ever should you hit or yell at any child you’re babysitting,” says Malson. “If you can’t manage your own behavior and emotions around the child, then you shouldn’t be babysitting.”

8. Don’t give kids food or medication without permission

“I would be very unhappy and uncomfortable if a babysitter gave my child medicine without checking with us first,” says Amy, a mom in Manlius, New York.

Even if the child has a fever and the parents told you where the Tylenol is, you should definitely get it approved before administering it.

Also, before the job, ask the child’s parents what specific snacks and/or meals are OK to give them while they’re away. They may only want the child eating certain foods or have house rules about things like candy or junk food. That way, when the kid asks for something to eat, you know whether or not it’s OK to give it to them. If you’re unsure, even if it seems harmless, you should say no.

Charlupski encourages sitters to communicate with their employer on what meals and snacks are allowed — and what is off-limits. “It’s not up to the babysitter to make the decision themselves to give the child what they want,” she notes. “There could be an allergy or certain rule against it. We’re there to enforce the rules of the home. That’s why it’s really important to find out all the household rules in advance.”

9. Don’t host visitors

It might seem fun to invite a friend or a significant other to keep you company while you’re sitting — babysitters do it all the time in the movies. But this one is another firm no.

“By accepting an hourly wage, you’re giving your time to that family, not paying attention to friends,” says Malson. “It’s also a liability if your friend comes over and something goes wrong. You’re responsible for any people you bring into that home.”

10. Don’t cross boundaries

Resist the urge to open medicine cabinets, dresser drawers or closet doors unless it’s something you need to do to care for the child, like getting their pajamas at bedtime. The family you’re sitting for has welcomed you into their home, but remember that crossing over certain boundaries invades their privacy. 

“No getting on the family’s personal computer,” says Malson. “Don’t pull up your personal social media account on it. There’s a level of privacy you want to maintain.”

There’s also a level of personal space and decorum people expect from their sitters.

“Don’t take a drink straight out of all the containers in the fridge,” says Anna, a mom in Winnetka, Illinois. “Yup, it happened to me, and it’s gross!”

11. Don’t cancel at the last minute

When sitters cancel on families, it can wreck their plans and cause stress. Whether it’s a much-deserved night out or an important work meeting they’re attending, you want to show your employers you respect their time and avoid canceling as much as possible.

Obviously, everyone gets sick from time to time though, and in that case, you should cancel.

“Going to a job when you’re sick is definite no-no,” says Charlupski. “If you need to cancel because you’re sick, do it at least 24 hours ahead of time. If it’s less than that, then definitely provide a doctor’s note. If you’re working with an agency, they’ll find a replacement. If not, give them a referral to another sitter you trust.”

12. Don’t forget to clean up after yourself (and the kids)

“I had a babysitter who left such a mess it looked like they threw a frat party, ” says Melanie, a mom in Medford, New Jersey.

Babysitting can certainly get hectic, but take a little time to clean up small messes throughout the job, so they don’t become a huge mess. For example, if the kids take out a toy, have them put it away before moving on to the next activity. If you give them lunch, put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher when they’re done. You may not have been hired to do housekeeping duties, but you are expected to maintain the status quo of the home while you’re there.

“Parents want consistency with their kids,” says Dan, a dad in Scottsdale, Arizona. “We want to come home to a house we know, routines observed as usual and calm seas in general… If a parent feels they can trust that their instructions and wishes will be followed while you’re there, they will call you again.”

6 things that annoy nannies in parents of children

When teachers are asked what is the most difficult thing in working with children, they often answer: parents. Our blogger Varvara Kurchenko, who helps parents and nannies find each other, also agrees with this opinion, but from her own point of view: it happens that the biggest problem of a nanny is the parents of the child she looks after. Varvara has collected the most common complaints on her blog.

1. “Annoying depersonalization”

“Sashenka, go say goodbye to your nanny, she’s about to go!” It’s annoying to be so depersonalized. For some reason, I don’t remember that employees, for example, at the institute were called by their position: “Go to the 21st office to the laboratory assistant, bring the contract”, “Did you say goodbye to the head of the department?” The nannies have a name.

2. “Why is it so expensive?”

Annoying depreciation. In my opinion, quality work should be well paid. Especially when there is a price list for services in front of your eyes. After all, we all work well when the company has created good conditions for employees. Why should nannies (both teachers and caregivers) be an exception?

3. “You are so young…”

I keep getting messages: “Oh, how young! You can’t do it, probably. We need a nanny like a grandmother.” All pedagogy is saturated with this attitude: they also want to see kindergarten teachers and teachers in schools “with experience”. If there is a rally in support of young professionals, I will be at the head.

4. “It is not clear why the nanny was called”

It infuriates when you come to work with a child, and there is a crowd of relatives at home: mom, dad, grandparents, aunts, girlfriends. All of them sit together with you in the room and actively attract the attention of the child. This is inconvenient for everyone: the nanny feels that she is not doing her job, the rest still spend time with the child, although they could go about their own business: go to the store, to the cinema or for a walk. Otherwise, why call a nanny?

5. “Constantly calling, monitoring”

If you have made the decision to invite a nanny, be prepared to relax, trust and let go. It is not difficult to do this when you know that the child is in the hands of a professional. I understand that when a new person comes for the first time, it’s hard and exciting. But when the nanny has been with you for six months, and you continue to call, instruct, give comments, it’s annoying. To avoid such situations, try to say all the nuances in advance, ask the right questions at the interview. Your task is to find a person with whom you will be comfortable leaving the child.

6. “Do not influence the child”

It is surprising when parents look for a nanny who “should not influence the child and show initiative, should only do what she is told.” It is not entirely clear how one can not influence a child when you are with him every day. Maybe someone in the know? Naturally, a nanny should not introduce a two-year-old to religion or inspire a first-grader that being a vegan is cool. But it is impossible not to take the initiative while being near a child if the nanny has empathy, intelligence and a desire to communicate with children (and this is the kind of nanny you want, right?).

You are in the “Blogs” section. The opinion of the author may not coincide with the position of the editors.

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When a nanny comes to work in a family, more than half of the employers make the same mistake – they decide that all the details and subtleties can be discussed sometime later, along the way . .. But in our experience, this just becomes a source of conflict between the employee and family. In addition to the size of the salary and the number of working hours, it is better to immediately, without delay, discuss with the nanny the conditions and circumstances that are significant for you, this will ensure mutual understanding and save everyone’s nerves.

1. My word is law, because I am a mother

No matter how pathetic it may sound, it is worth explaining to the nanny the sooner the better. This is especially important if you are hiring not a novice nanny, but an employee with experience and recommendations. The most interesting thing is that such cases are not uncommon: employers are looking for an experienced nanny, and then complain that instead of following instructions and solving problems with high quality, she tries to teach them about life and imposes her point of view on any occasion.

If we talk about employees with experience, then this is just the other side of the coin. An experienced nanny sometimes begins to think that she knows better what to do and you can not really listen to what the employer says. It seems to her that she is always right and the parents of the child must unquestioningly trust her.

In fact, there are as many rules as there are families, and experience for an employee is undoubtedly an advantage, but no one has canceled professional ethics. Even if all previous employers listened to the nanny and agreed with her, you may have the opposite opinion, and she, as your employee, is obliged to obey.

2. Deviations from the schedule. Everything is fair

Anything can be written in the nanny’s questionnaire and in your vacancy, but in practice there are often urgent business trips, unforeseen meetings, urgent matters, illnesses, traffic jams, in the end. Immediately discuss with the employee the possibility that sometimes she will have to be late. And agree on how you will pay for those extra hours. If this arrangement is unacceptable for her, it is better if you find out about it even before she starts working in the family than when you are already stuck in a traffic jam and nervous.

3. It is not allowed with my child…

Immediately list all the prohibitions that you consider necessary. Make a list of foods that the baby may be allergic to, name sweets and fast food that, in your opinion, should not be given to the child under any circumstances. What may be obvious to you may not necessarily be obvious to the nanny. To some, it seems quite normal to appease a raging pupil with a tablet, smartphone, or a couple of candies. There are nannies who, in all seriousness, do not see anything wrong with turning on adult films or crime news with a small child.

By the way, I immediately agreed with my nanny on such an important point for me: she has no right to lisp and be gentle with my son. As much as she would like it. No matter how cute he seemed to her. The nanny should communicate with him moderately strictly, not indulging whining and whims, not groaning over every scratch or bump. And for tenderness, the child has me.

4. Situational questions

For example, a toddler got into a fight with another toddler on the playground. Or, let’s say your child pesters the nanny with a request to buy another toy or ice cream. Or it’s time to go home, and the child, bursting into tears and stamping his feet, does not want to leave the street. Let the nanny tell you how she intends to act in such cases. Her answer will clear things up for you. And if the position of the nanny seems wrong to you, immediately explain yours to her. Of course, if she starts arguing with you, trying to win over to her side, you should think about whether you need such an employee.

5. Briefly about the main things

The family, as you know, is a cunningly arranged, complex organism and it is not enough for a nanny who works in the family to find an approach only to the child, it is better for her to know the character and characteristics of each of the household members. Be sure to tell the babysitter about important details. For example, my grandmother is hard of hearing in her left ear. The father of the family, before he drinks his morning coffee, does not answer any questions, and it is better not to even try to ask them.