buybuy BABY Salaries | How Much Does buybuy BABY Pay in the USA
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buybuy BABY
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Nationwide
$24K
(9 salaries)
Equal to national average Sales Associate salary ($24K)
-$14K (45%) less than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
$50K
$100K
$150K
+$2K (5%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
-$3K (8%) less than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
+$2K (5%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
See 6 More buybuy BABY Sales Associate Salaries
$50K
(6 salaries)
+$15K (35%) more than national average Department Manager salary ($35K)
+$12K (27%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
$50K
$100K
$150K
+$7K (16%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
+$5K (12%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
+$3K (7%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
See 3 More buybuy BABY Department Manager Salaries
$22K
(6 salaries)
-$6K (24%) less than national average Customer Service Representative salary ($28K)
-$16K (53%) less than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
$50K
$100K
$150K
-$18K (62%) less than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
-$12K (37%) less than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
-$14K (45%) less than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
See 3 More buybuy BABY Customer Service Representative Salaries
$70K
(3 salaries)
+$27K (47%) more than national average Manager salary ($43K)
+$32K (59%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
$50K
$100K
$150K
+$43K (72%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
+$37K (65%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
+$17K (36%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
$37K
(3 salaries)
-$4K (10%) less than national average Sales Representative salary ($41K)
-$1K (2%) less than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
$50K
$100K
$150K
-$20K (71%) less than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
+$7K (16%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
-$10K (30%) less than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
$29K
(3 salaries)
+$9K (36%) more than national average Receiving Associate salary ($20K)
-$9K (26%) less than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
$50K
$100K
$150K
-$11K (33%) less than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
-$8K (23%) less than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
-$8K (23%) less than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
$18K
(3 salaries)
Equal to national average Cashier salary ($18K)
-$20K (71%) less than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
$50K
$100K
$150K
-$18K (62%) less than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
-$18K (62%) less than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
-$22K (81%) less than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
$70K
(2 salaries)
+$28K (50%) more than national average Customer Service Manager salary ($42K)
+$32K (59%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
$50K
$100K
$150K
+$47K (76%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
+$16K (34%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
$63K
(2 salaries)
+$23K (44%) more than national average Assistant Store Manager salary ($40K)
+$25K (49%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
$50K
$100K
$150K
+$27K (52%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
+$22K (44%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
$61K
(2 salaries)
+$18K (34%) more than national average Store Manager salary ($43K)
+$23K (46%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
$50K
$100K
$150K
+$23K (46%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
+$22K (44%) more than average buybuy BABY salary ($38K)
1
2
3
>
Manager
is the highest paying job at buybuy BABY at $70,000 annually.
Cashier
is the lowest paying job at buybuy BABY at $19,000 annually.
buybuy BABY employees earn $37,500 annually on average, or $18 per hour.
1 salaries
1 salaries
See more buybuy BABY salaries by Location
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Working At Buybuy Baby: Employee Reviews and Culture
Buybuy Baby Overview
Website
www. buybuybaby.com
Organization Type
Private
Buybuy Baby Company Rankings
Buybuy Baby is ranked #6 on the Best Companies to Work For in Garden City, NY list. Zippia’s Best Places to Work lists provide unbiased, data-based evaluations of companies. Rankings are based on government and proprietary data on salaries, company financial health, and employee diversity.
#6 in Best Companies to Work For in Garden City, NY
#1 in Biggest Companies in Garden City, NY
Read more about how we rank companies.
9.1
Diversity Score
We calculated the diversity score of companies by measuring multiple factors, including the ethnic background, gender identity, and language skills of their workforce.
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Buybuy Baby Financial Performance
7.2
Performance Score
We calculated the performance score of companies by measuring multiple factors, including revenue, longevity, and stock market performance.
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Buybuy Baby Competitors
Value City Furniture
Salary Range30k – 46k$38k$37,920
Levitz Furniture
Salary Range28k – 47k$37k$37,080
Chico’s FAS
Salary Range26k – 50k$37k$36,548
Nordstrom
Salary Range24k – 46k$34k$33,810
Big Lots
Salary Range26k – 41k$33k$33,427
The Home Depot
Salary Range23k – 42k$32k$31,965
Crate and Barrel
Salary Range25k – 38k$31k$31,431
Valu Home Centers
Salary Range26k – 36k$31k$30,957
Kohl’s
Salary Range26k – 34k$30k$30,490
Bass Pro Shops
Salary Range25k – 35k$30k$30,110
$21k
$50k
Frequently Asked Questions about Buybuy Baby
When was Buybuy Baby founded?
Buybuy Baby was founded in 1995.
How many Employees does Buybuy Baby have?
Buybuy Baby has 10,001 employees.
How much money does Buybuy Baby make?
Buybuy Baby generates $75.0M in revenue.
What industry is Buybuy Baby in?
Buybuy Baby is in the retail industry.
What is Buybuy Baby’s mission?
Buybuy Baby’s mission statement is “To ensure that new and expectant parents have everything they need to confidently welcome their baby and navigate the transitions of life as a family.”
What type of company is Buybuy Baby?
Buybuy Baby is a private company.
Who are Buybuy Baby’s competitors?
Buybuy Baby competitors include Big Lots, Kohl’s, Jo-Ann Stores, The Children’s Place, Nordstrom, Chico’s FAS, The Home Depot, Crate and Barrel, Academy Sports + Outdoors, Bass Pro Shops, PET CLUB, See’s Candies, Valu Home Centers, Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory, Carson & Co, Levitz Furniture, Value City Furniture, Bon-Ton, A. C. Moore, Sportsman’s Warehouse.
Where is Buybuy Baby’s headquarters?
Buybuy Baby’s headquarters is in Garden City, NY.
Are You An Executive, HR Leader, Or Brand Manager At Buybuy Baby?
Claiming and updating your company profile on Zippia is free and easy.
Zippia gives an in-depth look into the details of Buybuy Baby, including salaries, political affiliations, employee data, and more, in order to inform job seekers about Buybuy Baby. The employee data is based on information from people who have self-reported their past or current employments at Buybuy Baby. The data on this page is also based on data sources collected from public and open data sources on the Internet and other locations, as well as proprietary data we licensed from other companies. Sources of data may include, but are not limited to, the BLS, company filings, estimates based on those filings, h2B filings, and other public and private datasets. While we have made attempts to ensure that the information displayed are correct, Zippia is not responsible for any errors or omissions or for the results obtained from the use of this information. None of the information on this page has been provided or approved by Buybuy Baby. The data presented on this page does not represent the view of Buybuy Baby and its employees or that of Zippia.
Buybuy Baby may also be known as or be related to Buy Buy Baby, Buy Buy Baby Inc, Buy Buy Baby, Inc., Buybuy Baby and BuybuyBABY.
buybuy BABY Application, Jobs & Careers Online
Prominent retail chain Buybuy Baby, formally stylized as buybuy BABY, manages a successful network of around 90 stores specializing in clothing and accessories for infants and toddlers. Retail job seekers and other industry professionals regularly find meaningful careers with the specialty chain.
Facts About Working at Buybuy BABY
Hiring Age: 18 years old (How old do you have to be to work at Buybuy BABY?)
Available Positions: Sales Associate, Cashier, Keyholder, Merchandise Handler, Stock Room Associate, Delivery Driver, Delivery Associate, Assistant Store Manager, General Store Manager
Printable Application: No. Search Job Openings or visit official site.
buybuy BABY Job Opportunities
The nationwide retail chain offers thousands of products geared toward young children and babies at reasonable prices points. Parents with young children make up a sizeable portion of customer bases frequenting the chain; however, many shoppers use the store for gifting others. Constant demand for products specifically designed and catered to the needs of toddlers and infants in addition to solid standings in communities for friendly and attentive customer service lend to the ongoing success of the brand. Each store must hire on new and motivated workers to uphold the high standards of customer service put in place by the chain. More and more opportunities become available as the company expands and new locations open.
Job seekers looking for work with the retailer regularly encounter varied roles for hire featuring supportive, fun, and professional environments geared toward children. The most widely available buybuy BABY jobs carry entry-level status and offer part-time hours. Applicants may also find careers in management and other corporate vacancies with the right qualifications. In general, employment hopefuls must enjoy working with children as well as the general public. Product knowledge of items sold in stores may also factor into hiring decisions.
buybuy BABY Employment and Pay Scales
The retail chain sets the minimum age for hiring consideration at 18 years of age. Other considerations for employment center on attitudes toward customer service and abilities to work varied schedules, including nights, weekends, and some holidays. Entry-level associates typically assume part-time roles offering minimum wage pay. Careers in management regularly feature full-time hours and salary options based on experience and tenure. Applicants may readily gain access to the following jobs:
Cashier
Typical cashier responsibilities include operating cash registers, processing transactions, issuing receipts and change as needed, and answering questions about return policies, store hours, promotions, and general product knowledge.
During busy rushes, cashiers may assist sales associates in locating merchandise for customers.
Cashiers mostly stand in place and may need to lift up to 25lbs. at any given time.
Pay scales sit slightly above minimum wage at $9.00 per hour at start.
Sales Associate
Entry-level positions involving direct interaction with customers and fellow employees, sales associate jobs require flexible schedules, motivated and energetic attitudes, and excellent interpersonal skills.
Primary responsibilities include pricing and arranging items on shelves, offering assistance on the sales floor, and directing customers to merchandise.
High standards of customer service require applicants with adept and superior communication abilities.
Some managers may prefer to hire workers with previous experience in the retail industry; however, the traditionally part-time entry-level job usually imposes no formal qualifications for employment consideration.
Sales associates also start out around $9.00 an hour, with opportunities to earn as much as $10.00 or $11.00 with experience.
Management
Dedicated associates and career seekers interested in long-term positions in the retail industry often qualify for assistant store manager and store manager jobs.
Managers maintain helpful and supportive teams of staff, positive work environments, and steady influxes of products.
Specifically, managers take responsibilities for hiring, training, supervising, scheduling, and motivating entry-level employees.
Previous experience in retail settings and high school diplomas or equivalents prove necessary for employment.
Managers also need to possess sound communication skills and the ability to work varied schedules.
Assistant managers often make between $35,000 and $45,000 a year.
Salary options for store managers rise to more than $65,000 annually.
Tips For Applying
Heading into the hiring process, applicants should possess open availabilities and genuine desires to work in the retail industry. While upper-level managerial positions remain accessible on the company website careers page, entry-level job seekers must contact or visit nearby locations in order to inquire about vacancies and submit hiring forms. Researching the retail chain to learn more about product lines, company history, and potential work environments remain in the best interests of prospective workers.
Application Status
Phoning, emailing, or visiting hiring managers in person represent the three most effective ways to check on the status of an outstanding application. In most cases, managers receive phone calls within a few days of submitting required employment forms to attend interviews if desirable. The waiting period for callbacks often lasts no more a week. Workers often encounter job offers on-the-spot during initial interviews. In the event of no formal communication from recruitment personnel, applicants should send a brief email or conduct a short in-person visit or phone call to reiterate interests in available employment.
Benefits of Working at buybuy BABY
A subsidiary of Bed, Bath & Beyond, buybuy BABY provides comprehensive work benefits for eligible employees. The popular chain of retail stores extends generous discounts for current employees, including both part-time and full-time workers. However, employment benefits packages remain reserved for full-time staff members strictly. Qualified employees receive:
Medical, dental, and prescription drug plans
Life insurance
Flexible spending accounts
Paid time off, and
Company-matched 401(k) retirement plans.
Job benefits for eligible full-time workers apply to dependents, as well.
More Information on buybuy BABY
The company website offers product descriptions and useful information to help parents of young children take proper care offspring. One of the many features of the site includes special product features, which highlight new and innovative merchandise sold in store. The product showcases occur on a rotational basis and include links to description pages featuring both written and pictorial accounts of the highlighted pieces of merchandise.
Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card Reviews: Is It Any Good? (2022)
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Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card
in
Credit Cards from Comenity Bank
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Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card is not affiliated with SuperMoney. All products, logos, and company names are trademarks™ or registered® trademarks of their respective holders. Their use does not signify or suggest the endorsement, affiliation, or sponsorship, of or by SuperMoney or them of us.
We endeavor to ensure that the information on this site is current and accurate but you should confirm any information with the product or service provider and read the information they can provide.
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Balance Transfer APR
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Annual Fee
$0
Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card Review
This is a
store
credit card
issued by Comenity Bank.
If you’re wondering whether Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card is the right card for you, read on. This review will provide you with with all the details you need to make a good choice.
Key Takeaways
No annual fee*. This is a great option for people looking for a low-maintenance card. It gives you the benefits of a credit card, but you don’t have to pay an annual fee for the privilege.
Pros & Cons of Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card
The Good
The Bad
No annual fee.
Identity Theft Protection.
Does not offer a signup bonus.
Does not offer rewards or cash back.
Does not report to credit bureaus.
Does not include many credit card benefits.
Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card FAQ
Does Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card have a cash back or rewards program?
No, it does not offer a rewards program.
What are the Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card benefits?
It provides the following benefits:
What are the relevant APRs for Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card?
Does Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card have an intro APR offer on balance transfers?
No, it does not come with an intro APR offer for balance transfers.
Does Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card have an intro APR offer on new purchases?
This card does not offer an intro APR rate on new purchases.
What are the fees for Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card?
The following fees apply:
Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card Fees
Fees
Amount
Annual Fee
$0
This card does not charge an annual fee, which makes it a smart choice for consumers looking for a low-cost card.
What is the customer service phone number for Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card?
The Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card customer service number is (185) 579-69632.
What is the support contact email for Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card?
The support contact email for Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card is [email protected].
What is the Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card login page?
You can access the Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card login page here.
How do people rate the customer service and user experience of Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card?
We currently don’t have sufficient reviews to provide a reliable SuperMoney community rating for this product.
How to apply for Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card
Visit the Buybuy BABY® Store Credit Card website.
Fill in the application form. You will typically need to provide general financial information, such as your Social Security Number, address, and annual income.
Check the information is accurate and submit your application.
If your credit score is preventing you from qualifying for this credit card, check out our guide for the best credit cards for bad credit.
SuperMoney Disclosure: SuperMoney.com is an independent, advertising-supported service. The owner of this website
may be compensated in exchange for featured placement of certain sponsored products and services, or your clicking
on links posted on this website.
Editorial Disclaimer: Editorial and user-generated content on this page is not provided or commissioned by the issuer. Opinions expressed here are the author’s alone and have not been approved or otherwise endorsed by any financial institution, including those that are advertising partners.
Contact
Hours of Operation
Sunday 9:00am – 5:00pm
Monday 7:00am – 11:00pm
Tuesday 7:00am – 11:00pm
Wednesday 7:00am – 11:00pm
Thursday 7:00am – 11:00pm
Friday 7:00am – 11:00pm
Saturday 9:00am – 5:00pm
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No Annual Fee
Annual Fee
$0
Minimum Interest Charge
$2
Customer Type
Personal
Minimum Age
18
Military Status
Active Duty Military
Non-Military
Veterans
Military Dependent
Employment Statuses Considered
Other
Employed Full-Time
Employed Part-Time
Self-Employed
Retired
Immigration Status Considered
U. S. Citizen
U.S. Permanent Resident
Credit Card Benefits
Identity Theft Protection
Rewards Categories
60x Points
on Every Purchase
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Store Card
Card Network
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buybuy BABY on the App Store
Description
Keep your cart, coupons, and registry in the palm of your hand with buybuy BABY’s feature-packed app. We make shopping fast and easy—because we know you’re busy doing kid stuff.
Baby on the way? Kiddo growing every day? We’ve got what you need for every age and stage. Find made-to-last furniture like cribs, gliders, and dressers to create a nursery the whole fam loves. Grab gotta-have gear like strollers, car seats, and carriers for tackling to-dos and everyday adventures. Don’t forget playtime! Explore tons of toys to keep ‘em busy, learning, and laughing through the years. Need more diapers? No problem! Stock up in-between errands. Trust us, our awesome app is totally worth the swipe.
build the best baby registry Scan barcodes in-store using your mobile phone to add items to your registry in seconds. Staying home? Use the app to add to your registry anytime! Get helpful suggestions to get you started and keep track of it all with an interactive checklist.
gift on the go Need a shower gift asap? Shop any buybuy BABY gift registry from wherever you are. Done!
keep coupons organized With all your offers in one convenient spot, you’re ready to save on the stuff you really need.
pick up in-store or curbside Purchase items on the app from your phone, then head to the store of your choice to pick ‘em up. Just pop your trunk for curbside or head in-store to grab your items in a flash.
find a store near you Locate a buybuy BABY store wherever you are. Yep, map and directions included.
buybuy BABY is a member of the Bed Bath & Beyond affiliated companies.
Version 22.60.1
* Performance improvements and bug fixes to make the Harmon Face Values app better than ever!
Ratings and Reviews
61. 2K Ratings
Buy buy baby
This store has become my favorite store ever! I have purchased many things for my cousin, best friend and sister for two babies that are on the way and one grandchild, also my great niece. Everything has come so fast and in perfect condition and absolutely wonderful!! I now have my cousin and best friend using the app to purchase things for the babies on the way, because I have bragged so much about the store! I absolutely will continue to buy for each of them until they outgrow it and hopefully by then more babies will be on the way. Thank you so much for being our number one go to baby store and also for accepting afterpay!!! Being able to use Afterpay was a huge plus for us too!!
Thank you for the wonderful review! We wish all the best to you and your growing family – it truly brightens our day to know you have enjoyed shopping with us so much, and we absolutely look forward to serving you next time!
Inconsistent, out of date
Buy Buy Baby as a store is terrible— terrible customer service. It is difficult to get a hold of a representative and when you do, they usually don’t have answers and seem bothered. The store has a big selection, but little stock. It’s SO frustrating when you register on a Sunday, and then 2 days later half your chosen items aren’t available anymore.
As far as the app goes… very confusing wording on items. Some say “unavailable” while others say “out of stock”. This is confusing because there is nowhere that explains their meaning of “unavailable”. Is it a synonym for “out of stock”? Is it no longer available ever? Who knows? The “notify me when it’s available” option doesn’t work. They don’t notify you. You need to keep checking for when things come back.
Some items come up as out of stock/unavailable BUT it you select the item, you’ll see it IS available online, but not in store. (Or the other way around). SO annoying!
My baby registry is from Buy Buy Baby…. I noticed that some gifts purchased “anonymously still come up with the gift giver ‘s email address. 🤣🙈 Also, gifts I KNOW were purchased and are on my “thank you” list are coming up as still needed. In 2021 there’s really no excuse for having such an outdated, faulty registry app. I would not recommend anyone do their registry through Buy Buy Baby.
We sincerely apologize for any difficulty in your shopping experience, this is certainly not the way we’d want our guests to feel, and we do take this matter very seriously. We appreciate you for taking the time to bring this to our attention, and we’ll be reviewing this feedback with our app team for any opportunity to make improvements in a future update. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us if there is any further assistance we may offer in the meantime, thank you again for contacting us and we hope this finds you with our warmest regards!
Horrible App and website
Signed up and gave my phone number in store and paid $29 to upgrade my account for extra bonuses. Got home and downloaded the app. Found the sign in/create account button easily. BUT when you put in you information and phone number it says phone number is already in the system. Ok, sign in button is at the very bottom. Click it and it takes you back to the exact same page that I started on, sign in/crate account. I try again. This time it says call customer service because the phone number is already in the system. On the website the exact same thing happens. So now I have to waist my time calling customer service to try and fix your tech issue. I wish I hadn’t spent $29 on the upgrade since I can’t even get into the app. If something as simple as logging in takes a call to customer service what happens if I try to order something. Horrible app and website.
Thank you for bringing this to our attention, we absolutely apologize for the difficulty in logging in, and that’s certainly not the experience we would like for our guests. We’ll be more than happy to assist with a solution through our Customer Service options, and please don’t hesitate to contact us with more details so that we may investigate further.
The developer, Bed Bath and Beyond, indicated that the app’s privacy practices may include handling of data as described below. For more information, see the developer’s privacy policy.
Data Used to Track You
The following data may be used to track you across apps and websites owned by other companies:
Data Linked to You
The following data may be collected and linked to your identity:
Purchases
Financial Info
Contact Info
User Content
Search History
Browsing History
Identifiers
Usage Data
Sensitive Info
Diagnostics
Data Not Linked to You
The following data may be collected but it is not linked to your identity:
Location
Diagnostics
Privacy practices may vary, for example, based on the features you use or your age. Learn More
Information
Seller
Bed Bath & Beyond Inc.
Size
144 MB
Category
Shopping
Age Rating
4+
Location
This app may use your location even when it isn’t open, which can decrease battery life.
GiftCards.com’s Buy Buy Baby Gift Card is a plastic or digital gift card pre-loaded (also known as an eGift card) with a monetary value. You may purchase this gift card on GiftCards.com and use it to purchase goods or services at any Buy Buy Baby, Bed Bath & Beyond, Christmas Tree Shops, or Harmon Face locations or online at www.buybuybaby.com or www.bedbathandbeyond.com.
Who can purchase Buy Buy Baby Gift Cards from GiftCards.com?
Any United States resident aged 18 and older with a valid credit card can order with GiftCards.com. Please note that international orders will not be accepted.
How are Buy Buy Baby eGift Cards different from Buy Buy Baby Plastic Gift Cards?
Buy Buy Baby Plastic Gift Cards are physical gift cards sent to recipients by mail. Buy Buy Baby eGift Cards are sent by email and can be printed out, used online or (for some merchants) by showing on your mobile device in store. Both plastic and eGift cards have no fees or expiration dates and are redeemable at Buy Buy Baby, Bed Bath & Beyond, Christmas Tree Shops, or Harmon Face locations or online at www. buybuybaby.com or www.bedbathandbeyond.com.
Where can I use my Buy Buy Baby eGift Card?
Buy Buy Baby eGift Cards are usable for goods and services at Buy Buy Baby, Bed Bath & Beyond, Christmas Tree Shops, or Harmon Face locations or online at www.buybuybaby.com or www.bedbathandbeyond.com.
Can I let someone else use my Buy Buy Baby eGift Card?
Yes. Just like a plastic gift card, you do not have to provide any ID to use your eGift card.
When do Buy Buy Baby eGift Cards expire? Are there any fees?
Most merchant cards on GiftCards.com do not have an expiration date or fees. However, since every merchant is different, please refer to Buy Buy Baby’s specific terms and conditions found on this page, directly underneath the card image.
Is there a dollar limit on my Buy Buy Baby Gift Card?
GiftCards.com merchant gift cards can be purchased in amounts ranging from $10 to $300, depending on the merchant.
What method of payment can I use to purchase Buy Buy Baby Gift Cards?
GiftCards. com accepts Visa, MasterCard, Discover, and American Express credit and debit cards registered to United States addresses. We don’t presently accept international orders.
Are there any fees associated with a Buy Buy Baby eGift Card?
You will only be charged the face value of the Buy Buy Baby eGift Card. If you choose a Buy Buy Baby Plastic Card there will also be minimal shipping fees. For more information on shipping, please visit our Shipping Calculator page.
Where do you ship Buy Buy Baby Gift Cards?
Plastic gift cards may be shipped to valid street addresses within the United States. We will accept orders from an APO (U.S. military delivery address) address, but can only ship gift cards to residents of the United States. International orders will not be accepted.
How are Buy Buy Baby eGift Cards delivered?
Buy Buy Baby eGift Cards are delivered as follows:
Your recipient will receive an email message from GiftCards.com that contains your message, selected video or picture (if used) and a link to the eGift card.
The link will take the recipient to the eGift card where it can either be printed, redeemed online, or shown to the clerk at checkout in the merchant location.
In some cases, the merchant may specify that an eGift card must be used online. Please refer to redemption instructions on this page, directly underneath the card image, for specific instructions.
You will also receive a confirmation email. If the recipient does not receive the merchant eGift card, instruct the recipient to check email as well as any SPAM or promotion folders or automatic filters for an email from GiftCards.com.
If the eGift card does not arrive within 24 hours, contact Customer Service for assistance at https://www.giftcards.com/contact-us. Have the invoice number and the recipient’s email address available prior to contacting us for fast assistance.
How long does Buy Buy Baby eGift Card delivery take?
It can take up to 24 business hours from the time of purchase to review the order and the eGift to be sent. If you specify a future delivery date, your eGift will be sent on that date.
What is the shipping time for GiftCards.com’s Buy Buy Baby Plastic Gift Cards?
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Sugar Baby – Megan Thee Stallion Song Lyrics
Sugar Baby – Megan Thee Stallion Lyrics Song | Good News Lyrics Quedeletras –
Sugar Baby lyrics
Listen to songs Lyrics –
Oh, do you want a bad bitch?
Well, I want a nigga with some money and a long dick0015
Invest in this pussy, boy, support Black business
Get it for a bad bitch, spend it for a bad bitch
If you got some money, then trick on a bad bitch
Spend it for a bad bitch, get it for a bad bitch
0012
Oh, you wanna see my nails when they’re done? Shit, pay for ’em
not talkin’ to me, I’m already callin’ my other nigga, ayy
Boy, I eat like a bad bitch, kale on my salad (Salad)
I sleep like a bad bitch (Bad bitch)
Thinkin’ that he Future, I’ma leave him in the past tense (Bye)
He said, Let’s make a movie, and nutted so quick, we made a story (Ugh)
He text askin’ what we are, I’m like, LOL, I’m dead (LOL, I’m dead)
I think all these niggas stupid, but I still want the head, ayy
Get it for a bad bitch, spend it for a bad bitch
If you got some money, nigga, trick on a bad bitch
I ain’t playin nice for no fuckin’ plane ticket (Uh-uh)
He can call me lame and he can get an attitude public, ’cause you don’t know who I fu*kwith
Why you askin’ why I’m playin’ when you know you got a girlfriend? (Hah)
I’m too bad to be mad (Yup), I’m too se*y to be jealous hey, hey)
‘Cause these niggas act like bad bitches, in the club takin’ pictures
like these bad bitches, messy like these bad bitches (Ah)
Discussions on who fuckin’ like these niggas never had bitches
Well, I want a nigga with some money and a long dick , boy, support Black business
9
Get it for a bad bitch, spend it for a bad bitch
If you got some money, then trick on a bad bitch for a bad bitch
If you got some money, nigga, trick on a bad bitch
Ah
Real hot girl shit
Yeah, I ‘m already rich, but I’m still tryna get richer, hahaha 9
SUGAR Baby Translation of the song
Sugar Baby to translate Russo, translation of the song Russian
9000 9000 9000
O, does he want a bad bitch?
Well I want a nigga with money and a long dick
Buy me everything in my cart if you’re my boyfriend (Hellowa made that beat baby)
Invest in this pussy, guy, support the black business
Get this for a bad bitch, spend for a bad bitch
9000
If you have a little money, deceive the bad bitch
Spend it on a bad bitch, get it on a bad bitch
If you got some money, nigga, cheat on a bad bitch
Oh, you want to see my nails when they’re done? Shit, pay for them
You can’t have an opinion on any shit that you don’t pay for don’t talk to me, I’m already calling my other nigga, ayy
Boy, I eat like a bad bitch, cabbage on my salad (Salad)0015
Designer on my sheets, boy, I sleep like a bad bitch (Bad bitch) book so I think like a bad bitch (Woah, woah)
He said “Let’s make a movie” and went crazy so fast we made up a story (Uh)
He told people that we don’t talk No, little nigga, you’re being ignored.
He writes asking who we are. I’m like, “LOL, I’m dead” (LOL, I’m dead)
I think that all these nigers are stupid, but I still want the head, AUU
Get it for a bad bitch, spend on a bad bitch
if you have it got money nigga catch a bad bitch
Get it for a bad bitch, spend it for a bad bitch
If you got some money nigga bad bitch trick
And I’m not coming until I know how big your dick is (Give me see)
He can call me lame and he can get an attitude do, I don’t want to do (Ah)
Don’t FaceTime me because you don’t know who I’m fucking *kwith
Why are you asking why I play when you know you have a girlfriend? (Ha)
I’m too bad to be mad (Yup), I’m too sexy to be jealous
’cause these niggas acting like bad bitches, they take pictures in the club
other niggas
Moody like these bad bitches, dirty like these bad bitches (Ah)
Discussions about who the hell these niggas never had bitches
Oh he want a bad bitch?
Well I want a nigga with money and a long dick
Buy me everything in my cart if you’re my boyfriend (Hellowa made that beat baby)
Invest in this pussy, guy, support the black business
Get this for a bad bitch, spend for a bad bitch
9000
If you have a little money, deceive the bad bitch
Spend it on a bad bitch, get it on a bad bitch
If you got some money, nigga, cheat on a bad bitch
videolyrics
See Megan Thee Stallion’s biography and discography for all his recordings. His music can be found on their “Traumazine” [Watch] – “Tina Snow II” [Watch] – “Birds of Prey: The Album” [Watch] – “Suga” [Watch] –
.
Megan Thee Stallion Lyrics
Quedeletras >> Lyrics >> m >> Megan Thee Stallion
Top Music
Ton Megan Thee Stallion
[Savage]
[Body]
[Savage (Remix) ft Beyoncé]
[Sex Talk]
[Cry Baby]
[Captain Hook]
[Girls in the Summer Hood]
T Ty Dolla Sign]
[Donmet Stop]
[Cash Shit]
[Work that]
[Realer]
[What’s New]
[B.I.T.C.H.]
[Rich]
[SIMON Says feat. Juicy J]
[Ain’t Equal]
[Freaky Girls]
[Movie]
[Sugar Baby]
CD
[Traumazine]
[Tina Snow II]
[Birds of Prey: The Album]
[Suga]
[Good News]
[Fever]
Letras de canciones – Letras de canciones – Traducida – Translate Lyrics
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90,000 Aesop’s Fables. – M .: Nauka, 1968 (Literary monuments)
In Kazan, the Day of Remembrance of its defenders was held, which “those who got stuck in the 16th century” tried to ban traditional time and talk about how Hater Kone is like Scottish Independence Day or May 9th… BUSINESS Online attended a traditional rally, the fate of which hung in the balance the day before.
The Supreme Court of the Republic of Tatarstan decided: There will be Hater Kone – 2020, but all speeches should be limited to the stated topic. Activists unfurled a waterproof banner “1552-Tatars! Onytma! Onyttyrma!!!”
“I fought for this for three weeks and won”
Arriving at Tinchurin Park about 20 minutes before the start of the event, the correspondent of BUSINESS Online observed an idealistic picture. An activist of the national movement and a policeman together carried a table from the car, on which they then put a pack of medical masks and handouts. It was as if the whole history of the confrontation between the WTOC and the authorities for the possibility of holding a traditional rally in honor of those who died during the capture of Kazan in 1552, its defenders, did not exist. The city executive committee either allowed, then banned, then allowed again, and the prosecutor’s office again slowed down the event. As a result, the Supreme Court of the Republic of Tatarstan decided: There will be Khater Kone – 2020, but all speeches should be limited to the stated topic, i.e. commemoration of the fallen. Just in case, the posters, which did not say something, the representative of the mayor’s office asked not to unfold. As a result, only one example of visual agitation remained. Activists unfurled a banner with the inscription “1552-Tatars! Onytma! Onyttyrma!!!” (“1552 Tatars! Remember! Don’t let me forget!!!”). In addition, it turned out to be waterproof, which was important, because it was raining all Sunday, fortunately, at least in the afternoon the wind had died down.
The rally was opened by one of the elders of the Kamalovsky Theater Azgar Shakirov, he thanked those who came to Tinchurin Park, before his speech he uttered the words of praise of Allah in Arabic
Despite the bad weather, the organizer of the rally – the chairman of the All-Tatar public center Farit Zakiyev – was in high spirits, after all, they allowed to hold the Day of Remembrance! And the fact that even fewer people came than the declared 100 participants is, according to him, not the main thing: “The value of this event is that the tradition has not been interrupted and we are developing it. I fought for this for three weeks and won.” According to rough estimates, probably 80–9 people came to Tinchurin Park0, for comparison: last year there were 200. “Before, Kheter köne was held on a large scale, on Freedom Square, with a procession to the Kremlin, then near the Kamalovsky Theater, already without a march, but at least in the city center, and now here, on out of the way. This also affects the mood of people,” says the legend of the national movement of the 90s Ramai Yuldashev , who managed to bring thousands of people to events. But the publisher and editor-in-chief of the newspaper “Siraҗi suze” Iskander Sirazhi believes that there are a number of reasons for the small number: “People are disappointed because the so-called elites used sovereignty for their own enrichment. Now the policy of Tatarstan is based on the fact that they keep the property they received. Moscow is smart and keeps the “elites” on the hook. They are afraid of losing money. Therefore, this year they did not want to give consent to holding a rally. This hasn’t happened since 1989 years! If they did that, then the Russian March would have to be banned. But then the Russians would have complained to Moscow and from there an order would have come to resolve it. Apparently, that’s why they talked to the prosecutor’s office, gave an order to the Supreme Court to allow Kheter kone to be held. One more thing – before Memorial Day was held strictly on October 15, then it began to be held on weekends close to this date. This was done to violate the importance of the date, its symbolism.
Be that as it may, the tradition of celebrating Hater Kone did not end on the 30th Memorial Day.
Rkail Zaydulla: “Now there is not only mass Russification going on, in Bashkortostan, for example, the northwestern dialect of the Bashkir language is being introduced into scientific circulation, and this is actually the Tatar language. There are many such examples”
“SCHOOLS ARE REQUIRED FOR A WRITTEN STATEMENT OF PARENTS, BUT THE LAW DOES NOT HAVE THE WORDS “WRITTEN”
Before Hater Kone is held, conversations invariably arise, or maybe it is necessary to change the format of the event, hold it in the halls, organizing debates between representatives of the intelligentsia , or in the form of scientific and practical conferences? The highest-ranking participant of Khater Kone – 2020, deputy of the State Council of the Republic of Tatarstan Rkail Zaydulla , a little skeptical about such proposals: “How can I change the memory format? After all, you either remember or you don’t. Yes, various scientific and practical conferences are also needed, but we need to look ahead more, how to save the Tatars. After all, not only mass Russification is underway now, in Bashkortostan, for example, the northwestern dialect of the Bashkir language is being introduced into scientific circulation, and this is actually the Tatar language. There are many such examples.”
Pavel Shmakov: “We organized a meeting and agreed that everyone would have the subject “Tatar language” and that there might be oral statements. But the prosecutor’s office requires written, so we are suing”
Pavel Shmakov , director of the Solntse school , is also concerned about the preservation of Tatarness. Even now, he is suing for this right: “Schools are required to submit a written statement from their parents, but the law does not contain the word ‘written’. What does a written statement mean? You probably know the history, earlier you wrote your nationality in your passport. Then people began to fight for this column to be gone. Who wants – indicates the nationality, who does not want – does not indicate. And here at school they require a written statement: my native language is such and such. This is actually a written indication of nationality. That is, it contradicts the Constitution of Russia. How did we do it? Organized a meeting and talked. They said that no one wants to swear, everyone wants to live a normal life. And we agreed that everyone would have the subject “Tatar language” and that there could be oral statements. But the prosecutor’s office requires written ones, so we’re suing.”
Vladimir Timofeev: “Our future is alarming, that in 20-30 years our youth will hold a referendum on abolishing the republics, raising the question: under what name would you like to live, Tatarstan or Kazan province?”
If Shmakov comes to Memorial Day only in the last 3-4 years, then the Chuvash activist Vladimir Timofeev – from the beginning of the 90s: “Our future is alarming, that in 20-30 years our youth will hold a referendum on abolish the republics, raise the question: under what name would you like to live, Tatarstan or Kazan province? This worries me. I would like people, primarily the Tatar people, to think about this and that this rally be held on the same scale as in 90th, with a march, exclamations of “Azatlyk”!”
By the way, this year the exclamation of “Azatlyk” was heard at the rally only once, but more on that later.
There was a proposal to perform “Tugan Tel” through a megaphone. And over the park of Tinchurin the anthem of the native speech, dear to every Tatar, sounded: “And tugan tel, and matur tel …”
“IF YOU FOLLOW THIS LOGIC, MAY 9 IS THE DAY WHEN HATRED TO THE GERMAN PEOPLE IS INCREASED”
Azgar Shakirov , one of the aksakals of the Kamalovsky Theater , opened the rally, he thanked those who came to Tinchurin Park, before his speech he uttered words of praise to Allah in Arabic. Unlike in previous years, Hater Kone – 2020 did not start with the reading of the Koran, a prayer service, an appeal to the Almighty, which are usually performed by the namesake of Azgar-Aby, the spiritual leader of the national movement Sheikh Umar , aka Gomar Batyrsha (Ayrat Shakirov ). Hazrat was a little late, so they decided that he would close the rally with a prayer. At the suggestion of Zakiev, a minute of silence was observed in memory of the editor-in-chief of the newspaper Zvezda Povolzhya Rashit Akhmetov , who died a week ago. Zakiev, in his speech, spoke about the difficult struggle for the right to hold Hater Kon, wondered why it was not allowed at first, giving an example from history: “In Scotland, on June 24, the Independence Day of the country is celebrated. They remember the year 1314, then the Battle of Bannockburn took place. In it, the troops of Robert the Bruce defeated the forces of Edward II. Scotland gained independence. Over time, it was lost, but the holiday became a national celebration. Today it is celebrated all over Scotland, festivals, concerts, festivities are held. After all, no one in the UK says that the holiday contributes to inciting hatred between the Scots and the English. We live in the 21st century, and the people who wanted to ban us are stuck in the 16th. I hope that next year we will celebrate Khater kone officially as a state date.”
Nail Nabiullin: “They say that only 30 years pass Kheter köne. No, it’s not. The Day of Remembrance was celebrated by Gayaz Iskhaki. This means that Hater Kone has been around for more than a century.”
Historian Ilnar Garifullin gave an example from the events of the 20th century: “Why can Memorial Day provoke ethnic strife? If you follow this logic, then May 9 is the day when hatred for the German people is incited. But no, we are celebrating the victory over fascism, remembering our grandfathers who died for the freedom of their country. Hater Kone is the same event where we remember our ancestors. They defended the independence of their country, fought for their Motherland, Islam.”
The rally also featured a song performed by the composer and poetess from Chelny Flyura Kulakhmetova-Talipova , which ended with the words “Tatarlar berlashegez” (“Tatars, unite”). This inspired the crowd, and over the Maidan sounded the only time: “Azatlyk! Azatlyk! Azatlyk!” Despite the fact that Nail Nabiullin , Chairman of the Tatar Youth Union “Azatlyk” , ran a 52 km memory marathon the day before in honor of the events of 468 years ago, he looked very cheerful. About the fact that the nationals won the right to hold a rally, he said: “This is our victory, albeit small, but.” According to Nabiullin, it would be unacceptable to interrupt the ancient Tatar tradition: “They say that only 30 years pass for Kheter köne. No, it’s not. The Day of Remembrance was also held by Gayaz Iskhaki, on October 15 he organized an event at which the defenders of Kazan, who died at the hands of the invaders, were remembered. This means that Hater Kone has been around for more than a century.”
The speech of a certain Rifat Badertdinov from Naberezhnye Chelny caused bewilderment at the rally. He started talking about being an innovator and invented a technology for the production of red bricks, where “energy savings of 30 percent occur. ” The aksakal who was standing next to the BUSINESS Online correspondent, grinning, said: “Commercial break.”
As promised at the beginning, the Day of Remembrance ended exactly one hour later with the prayer of Sheikh Umar – he asked the souls of the martyrs to rest on the highest step of paradise. People began to disperse, but then a proposal was heard through a megaphone to perform “Tugan Tel”. And over the park of Tinchurin the anthem of the native speech, dear to every Tatar, sounded: “And tugan tel, and matur tel …”.
Vladimir Zuev. DOMCOM » Literature. Electronic literary magazine
(comedy)
Characters: GALINA RUDOLFOVNA – for 50 years, director of the Nord-West Management Company. NADIA – 35 years old, chairman of the Association of Homeowners. ARTHUR – 30 years old, lover of Natalia Mikhailovna. ALLA – 45 years old, actress, divorced. GREGORY – 50 years old, petty official. SERGEY – 50 years old, associate professor. MIHALYCH – 60 years old, plumber. PETROVNA – 70 years old, the eldest in the entrance. PAVEL – 25 years old, activist. SVETA – 25 years old, activist. 1 GUY is a real boy. 2 GUY is a real boy. OLD MAN is a distributor. OLD WOMAN is a distributor.
1.
Room on the first floor of a residential building. Office chairs, on the walls there are posters “Happy New Year”, “From March 8”, “From February 23”, “Happy National Unity Day”, “Happy Family and Fidelity Day”. There are chairs in several rows, people are sitting on them: some in slippers and a bathrobe, some in a tracksuit, there is a man in a jacket and a lady in an evening dress. Everyone is on their phones, no one pays attention to the speaker. A young guy of about 30 draws some schemes on a flipchart with a marker, mumbles to himself under his breath – this is Arthur. Sometimes fragments of words are heard: “In this way … We get … If it’s completely primitive … In general, something like this …” A woman in a business suit and glasses is sitting at the table – Galina Rudolfovna, looks at people, then at Arthur. Next to her sits a girl in jeans, trousers and a sweater with a hood – this is Nadia. She is typing something on her laptop. Galina got up, hit the folder on the table, Nadya jumped up, Arthur looked up from the diagrams, the audience raised their heads. Silence. The street sounds from the open window – intercom trilling, dogs barking, children screaming, laughter, swearing, music from the car.
GALINA . I think it’s time to vote, dear owners. Arthur more than clearly showed us the benefits of transferring control from your HOA to our management company. With us only pluses, dear. Who is for Nord-West, raise your paws! NADIA . Thank you, Galina Rudolfovna, for your presentation… Everything was more than… Maybe a coffee break… Literally five minutes to collect my thoughts.
A 50-year-old man in a tracksuit “ RUSSIA “, got up, straightened his pants, pulled his jacket over his stomach – this is Grigory. He raised his hand with the phone up, looked around at everyone.
GRISHA . This is… GALINA . You are for”? Wonderful! So to speak, wellcome! GREGORY . Frisky! The grip is … felt, in short. I would like to leave our esteemed meeting, it’s time for me and Malechka to go for a walk… GALINA . Granddaughter? You look so young, but already a grandfather. Well kept yourself!
A woman in an evening dress starts laughing. She is forty-five years old – this is Anna. Everyone looks at Anna.
ANNA . Sorry, couldn’t resist. Every time I find laughter when I hear him calling her on the street: “Malechka, Malechka, come here! Matilda, such a bitch, come to me! Did you name your bull terrier after the dog Freken Bok or after the ballerina?
A man of about forty-five, in a suit, cleaning his glasses – this is Sergey .
SERGEY . It was a cat. If you’re not sure, don’t say. ANNA . What’s a cat? SERGEY . Freken Hildur Bock had a cat, and then in a Soviet cartoon. And in the book, that is, in the original source, she had a sister. ANNA . Are you reading the original at night, Captain obvious?! You are my neighbor, it seems, from 42 apartments? GREGORY . I don’t understand why you don’t like the name of my Mali? She’s funny! Yes, and it is not necessary … In short, insult my feelings … SERGEY . Excuse me, but what, hypothetically, is offended? GREGORY . Where are you, wretch?! Are you a commentator? Sit still! (Pause.) SERGEY . My name is Sergey Prokopevich. GREGORY . Damn it! Man, Prokopych, and you, woman, don’t take it to heart… Everyone is on nerves, the Pindos are still pressing… In short, I’ll come later to sign… NADIA . Good. Maybe we can break for coffee? GALINA . You are here, so, one and a half invalids, and you also want to run away. Let’s, gentlemen, activists, quickly vote and disperse. I see you are a real man… ALLA . Aha! Get nasty and run… (to Grisha.) Maybe I’m in a hurry too. SERGEY . Date? ALLA . And I’m so kind, I’ll fall in love – so suck. Like an affectionate cobra I, Caressing, I will wrap myself. SERGEY . Did you steal it yourself? ALLA . It’s Gippius! Did not hear? GREGORY . Hare, theatergoers! Stop self-employment! ALLA . What would you understand!
An elderly man gets up, he is in a vest over a vest and trousers – this is Mikhalych.
MIHALYCH . It’s good to base, we vote and go to the shore. I am for”! SERGEY . But I haven’t decided yet… What did they suggest that you are in favor of? GALINA . If they had listened attentively to the speaker, they would have appreciated the prospects… SERGEY . And you say it again! GALINA . A new playground, bike paths, secure parking near the house, video surveillance, a closed courtyard, clean, excuse me, unpissed entrances … (Mikhalych.) Thank you for your vote and for your trust. MIHALYCH . There is no trust, but others did not come to us, and you portrayed something… People, they will deceive one hell, not these, then others… What is there to gain, let’s vote! GREGORY . I am also for. (To Arthur.) Bro, you record there at your place that we, so to speak, expressed our will… SERGEY . What did you do, sorry? GREGORY . What? SERGEY . What? GREGORY . I apologize in advance… (Alle.) Tell your man to come to me, apartment 22. I don’t solve issues with aunts, but I’ll ask your man for your gundezh. ALLA . And I will say. And it will come! SERGEY . Aha! Which one will come in? Yesterday or the day before yesterday? NADIA . Friends, let’s not swear. You, Gregory, go if you need to, and then come up. Good? SERGEY . Then I’ll go too. Write down that I “abstained”… GALINA . Maybe we can vote already, if everyone is ready? Two in favour, one abstained. There are two left: you, the lady in the evening, and you, Nadia. ALLA . I’m against”. GALINA . Why, you may ask? ALLA . Ask… GALINA . I ask! ALLA . Maybe you, as the face of your company, are unpleasant to me… GALINA (Pointing to Arthur). And he? He is also a face… ALLA . He is not unpleasant. SERGEY . If you don’t stop putting garbage in bags at the door, then there are no options at all. Guys, they are not cockroaches. .. ALLA . I?! Am I taking out the trash? SERGEY . Yes! If you had a husband, there would be no garbage at the door… Because… MIHALYCH (Halle). Woman, vote and set off… ALLA . Do not put pressure on me, oh, I do not advise! Don’t teach me… GREGORY . But the man must teach! NADIA . Let’s not put pressure on each other… GALINA . Will you vote for him ? (Takes Arthur by the chin.) Look, what a handsome boy! ARTHUR . Galina Rudolfovna, why are you talking about me as some kind of … ALLA . Just a lady with a dog! GALINA . Are you jealous?! ALLA . Oh flour! O love! Oh temptation! SERGEY . What are you up to now?! GREGORY . Ponies are cheap! No, I respect poetry, if normal. When about life, and so … Liberal, in short … GALINA . Gentlemen, owners, let’s calm down a bit and, so to speak, finish what we started! Do you want them to not piss at your entrance and further down the list . .. We vote for Nord-West and disperse! Well, above the paws! Who agrees”?! SERGEY . I’m against”! GREGORY . They didn’t ask you, don’t blather! We’re for it”.
Grisha, Mikhalych, Nadia raise their hands.
SERGEY . And I will blather out of principle … You are just some kind of fossil! Nostalgic! GRISHA . What? GALINA . Quiet! Let’s sum up: one – “against”, three – “for”. Thank you for your trust, we will, as they say, work, draw up a roadmap and go on down the list. GREGORY (Natalia). It’s me, with a business proposal… Shall we stir up the parking lot? Tell me your phone number, we’ll decide. NADIA . Don’t leave, please. Now we will sign the protocol of the decision and then we can go home. Just a couple of minutes. ALLA . Where do you need to sign? Let’s hurry… NADIA . Now they will print it out and bring it, I sent it by mail . .. There is no printer here, you did not begin to chip in on it. ALLA . Print poems from the Internet for the holidays?
A woman in her 70s enters the room, dressed in a work robe, with a skullcap on her head. Looked at everyone.
MIHALYCH . What are you, Petrovna? GALINA . Hello! Come in… Let’s get acquainted… Galina Rudolfovna, director of your management company “Nord-West”. NADIA . Antonina Petrovna, why didn’t you come to the meeting? You are the most active member … We have just voted by a majority for the transition from the HOA to the Criminal Code … Are you in favor?
Petrovna crosses herself, backs away, goes out, locks the door with a key. Silence.
MIHALYCH . Petrovna! GREGORY . Mother, what are you? NADIA . Antonina Petrovna, where are you going? GALINA . What was it now? GREGORY . Something freaked out! (Goes to the door. ) Mother, open up, I have to go for a walk with Malechka. GALINA (Nade). Is that his mother? SERGEY . I suspect that this is an affectionate appeal to an older woman. ALLA . So, immediately open, I’m late for the meeting… NADIA . Antonina Petrovna, please open us! GREGORY . Petrovna, I always treat you like a son … Always with kindness, you know! Let me out, mother, I really need to! ALLA . Everyone needs it, one-man! MIHALYCH . She, if she has driven something into her head, will not turn off. GALINA . Is she psychic? Who is she? What for? Drinker? MIHALYCH . And hell knows! So they didn’t seem to notice. They say that she used to work in a children’s colony as a headmistress. Then the head of the hostel at the plant. In short, old school. NADIA . She’s kind of the eldest on the porch, keeps order. He also washes the floors, we all chip off at the salary for the whole house. ALLA . She washes and talks to everyone, everyone complains to her, but she probably knocks somewhere… SERGEY . Slander! She walks by herself, understands. (Alla.) Tell me, did you come to you? Last week was, I heard you swearing because the men go to you! And they smoke on the playground… ALLA . And you’re jealous, right? I would go in like a neighbor … Weak ?! GREGORY . Quiet! Mother, that’s enough, she joked and it will be…
Arthur went to the door and knocked softly. Silence. Knocks again. Silence.
GALINA . Arthur, what are you doing?
Arthur knocks again and again. Silence.
GALINA . Arthur, I asked a question!
Arthur knocks again. Silence.
GRISHA . Hey, woodpecker, it’s good to hammer.
Arthur pounding on the door with his hands and feet. Everyone is looking at him. Tired. He squatted against the wall.
GRISHA . He is, by nature, somewhat unbalanced. GALINA . Don’t touch him… (To Artur.) Artur, clean yourself up, get yourself together… GREGORY . I’ll call now… (Dials a number on the phone.) Let’s decide now. SERGEY (Galina). Could it be childhood trauma? GALINA . Are you a specialist? SERGEY . Faculty of Pedagogy and Childhood Psychology. GALINA . Our university? And what year? ALLA . Do you have graduation party? Let’s open the door. Nadezhda, call this lady, otherwise I can’t vouch for myself …
Nadia takes out her phone and looks through her contacts.
GREGORY (on the phone). Hello, it’s me. Are you sleeping, right? Why don’t you take a pipe? In short, I have a problem here, help me brotherly. No, nothing serious. They locked me up! Well, like this… Technician… Damn, an employee of a cleaning company. .. Cleaning lady… NADIA . Now they will bring the protocol and open it … ALLA . No, I felt like I didn’t have to go here. I hung up at the elevator, I think: I turned off the iron or didn’t turn it off … But I have a fad, I always knock the fork from the iron on the table three times to remember what I turned off. Now I’m stuck here … In vain I remembered that I turned it off. SERGEY . Turned off right? GALINA . (Alle) I apologize in advance, but I’ll tell it like it is. I don’t like you, I don’t feel sorry for you. It so happens that people, women, have a mutual dislike, as we have with you. ALLA . What is your monologue for? GALINA . I’m talking about “feeling” … I decided for myself a long time ago that it was nonsense to feel. Thinking and doing is our salvation! SERGEY . Well, that’s debatable… MIHALYCH . Quiet! GALINA . That’s me, in terms of advice…
People’s voices are heard behind the door. Lots of votes.
GRISHA . Here, the lads have arrived, now they will be rescued … NADIA . It must have been my mother who brought the printout… ARTHUR . This is not mom… GREGORY . Painful spoke… Che, let go?! GALINA . What did you say, Arthur?! ARTHUR . There is no mother … ALLA . And who is there?
A loud male voice is heard from behind the door: “One, two, three. Examination!”. It feels like they are talking through a megaphone.
VOICE . Representatives of the homeowners’ association and the management company, remain calm. This is a temporary measure. You will be opened soon.
Silence.
2.
Office space with posters on the walls, chairs and a table. The overhead light is off, multi-colored electric candles are burning, music is playing. Svetlana is sitting on the table. She is wearing a white blouse, a short skirt and stockings. On the head are two large white bows, a ribbon with the inscription “Graduate-2010” is worn over the shoulder.
LIGHT . Man, back off. You smell of bad habits. It’s not pleasant! Don’t touch me… Help! Do not touch! Save! Let me go, freak! They rape!
A man appears in a tight-fitting suit, a balaclava mask on his head, a luminous toy sword in his hands – this is Pavel. He brandishes his sword, goes to Svetlana.
LIGHT . Man save me! PAVEL . I’m not a man, I’m a polite person! LIGHT . OK! But you’re a man, I see! Save me my knight! PAVEL . First I will punish the evil! Come here, evil! LIGHT . How brave are you! PAVEL . I am fair! Good always triumphs over evil, baby!
Pavel cuts down an imaginary enemy with his sword. Svetlana climbed onto the table with her feet.
LIGHT . Get, fascist, a grenade! So it! Let him out, guts, polite man! You are my hero! You are my savior! I want you to punish me later too, gently, politely! Yes, punish me, my savior! PAVEL . Wait, I have to make sure he doesn’t have accomplices! LIGHT . How responsible are you! It turns me on so much! Get rid of them and come to me! I’m on fire! It seems to me that they ran away, they were afraid of you! Take off your mask, I want to see your noble face! PAVEL . You are a bad girl? Should you be punished? LIGHT . Yes, I misbehaved. Punish me, polite man! PAVEL . Tell me what you’ve done! You didn’t pass the exam?! LIGHT . No, worse! I am a very bad girl… PAVEL . Do you listen to foreign music, don’t wear domestic clothes, use an imported smartphone?! LIGHT . Yes… Only I’m even worse, punish me! PAVEL . What could be worse? Speak, motherfucker! LIGHT . Oooooh! How dirty you swear, polite man! It turns me on wildly! Curse me some more, please! I’m a very, very bad schoolgirl!
Pavel approaches Svetlana, puts his sword on her shoulder. Svetlana sits down on the table, takes off her bows.
PAVEL . Have you gone to the dark side, bitch? Have you been recruited?! LIGHT . Yes, go on, I want more… Punish me, Seryozha.
Pavel takes off his mask, puts his sword on the table.
LIGHT . You misunderstood, Pasha. I wanted to say that Sergei too… PAVEL . Did he punish you too? Well, let’s tell you how he did it… SVETA . Zaya, what are you doing?! You misunderstood everything. I’m sorry bad girl, that’s not what I said. Come to me, punish me! It’s just that today we were talking about Sergei, so it stuck in my head … Don’t pout, zaya! My polite man! Do you want a bad girl to do you good? Come to me… Bad girl is good at doing good. .. PAVEL . Are you sure you didn’t have anything with him? LIGHT . Zaya, don’t even think about it! Where is he and where am I, I’m just a curator… Of course! Only you, only with you. You are my boss, come to me. PAVEL . Look, if I find out, I won’t see that he is the head of the regional headquarters. I’ll punch you in the face and we’ll leave together… SVETA . Of course! You are the first to know everything. Even if he just tries! I have long thought that you are capable of more! Let’s organize our organization! You will be the boss and I will be your secretary. Do you want a secretary like me Ser… PAVEL . Sir?! I mean, again Seryozha? I don’t get it, are you kidding? Are you on purpose? In short, tomorrow we’ll go to Zwilling and part ways. SVETA , And what is there, hare? PAVEL . Sergei took up all the RAM?! We promised tomorrow to help with the release from the HOA. Let’s go, we’ll figure it out and we’ll leave. LIGHT . Well, what are you, zaya? How will we part? For good? Come on, let’s not go there! We won’t go and we won’t part… PAVEL . And what do we have in our portfolio, besides a rally against theater-goers and in defense of animals? As you wish, but I want to have something real in my resume… SVETA . Zaya, you’re right! You are so smart to me! Let’s reset our relationship and start from scratch. PAVEL . What, do I look like a patient? You and Serezha will stir up, and I will endure?
The Old Man and the Old Woman enter the office. Backpacks behind the backs, badges hanging around the necks, which flash different lights. A man and a woman hold hands, in the second hand each has a stainless steel mug. Sveta and Pavel do not notice them.
LIGHT . We had nothing with him! PAVEL . Swear! LIGHT . How? PAVEL . What-what… I don’t know what… You have nothing sacred! LIGHT . There is! I swear by my health: I have with him… OLD WOMAN . Don’t swear, daughter, you can’t swear by your health. Not your own, not someone else’s! PAVEL . Who are you anyway? None of your business! Let him swear! It’s important for me! OLD MAN . Health is important! Good evening. Sorry to interrupt, you were not locked. We are pleased to welcome you on behalf of the international nano-concern for the production and storage of structured water. Our body, like all living things… LIGHT . What, didn’t you close the door? PAVEL . I closed… SVETA . How did they get in? OLD WOMAN . structured water. Development of nano-scientists. The device for its production is simple and practical. Looks like a mug with a lid. The device is made of nano-stainless materials. LIGHT . We won’t buy anything! All the best! OLD MAN . We do not offer to buy, we share the joy! Today we have an Event, we have become representatives of a nano-concern and we share this joy with you! Would you like to see our product? PAVEL . Excuse us, please, we’re a little busy right now, we need to decide something… Do you hear? The working day is already over, we are leaving now. Come tomorrow… OLD WOMAN . Surname! Well? PAVEL . Petrov… What do you mean?! Why are you asking?! OLD WOMAN . Weren’t you taught not to deceive your elders?! What a shame: debauchery was staged at the workplace … Make investments in your future, please your health with a gift! LIGHT . And you were well prepared somewhere … Is this network marketing? OLD MAN . It’s a nano business, baby! Invest in your future, help the elderly! Take care of your health and honor from a young age! What is your name? PAVEL . Paul. How much are you selling for? OLD WOMAN . We do not sell, we offer, and you invest. PAVEL . Clearly, a pyramid! Some kind of Rothschild is sitting there, in the West, and you are hunching over him. OLD MAN . Comrade, Pavel. We are Soviet people and have never stooped to the West. This is a domestic development. Our astronauts in orbit drink from such nano-mugs. Space, you know? LIGHT . Zaya, I want to give you such a mug. Now I will bring the money, I have it in my purse. How much is the investment worth? OLD WOMAN . 500 cu. You are lucky: today one conventional unit is equal to one ruble. PAVEL . I don’t need! Thank you! LIGHT . I just have one without change…
Svetlana goes to her bag and rummages through it.
OLD WOMAN (Pasha). Offended you? Called by someone else’s name? Here’s the trouble! Spit and forgive … She is beautiful. Silly, but it’s good, you’ll always be smarter… OLD MAN . Valya, what did you start? Don’t embarrass your comrade… (Paul.) Here’s what I’ll say… When I was an adviser in Cuba, Che and I talked a lot, and with Fidel, of course… So, once Che said this toast: “Vitya, I wish you to find such a woman who will be a mistress in the house, a queen at a party and a prostitute in bed. You understand, Comandante himself said this. And I remembered his words, searched and found – here is my woman… PAVEL . What are you up to? OLD WOMAN . Forgive her!
Sveta comes back, gives money to the Old Woman. The old man takes out a box with a mug from his backpack and hands it to Svetlana.
OLD MAN . Please check, friend! PAVEL . Thank you. Later. OLD WOMAN . We are a little short of… LIGHT . I don’t have more, I would give… OLD MAN . We don’t beg. .. We’re on a one-way road, I want to show my wife the Island of Freedom. You can die there free… PAVEL . Doesn’t he die in his homeland? OLD WOMAN . Well, let’s not disturb you… Congratulations on a successful investment. We wish you business and sex, that is, in Soviet terms: success in work and happiness in your personal life! (Light.) Do your best, caress him properly! (Pasha.) Don’t pout!
The old woman takes Sveta away.
OLD WOMAN . You make a bowl for him. Come to his bathroom, pour some warm water, liquid soap or shampoo. Let him put his personal belongings in a ladle, and you shake your hand under the personal belongings. You will never leave if you do! LIGHT . Oh, what are you talking about… We’re just colleagues… OLD WOMAN . And you, as a colleague, give him a little… SVETA . Thanks, good luck! OLD MAN . Patrio o muerto! Homeland or Death! PAVEL . Speak the right words, only disagree with the deed… OLD WOMAN . Make sure he does!
The old man and the old woman leave. Pavel examines the mug. Sveta tries to hug him, he pulls away.
LIGHT . Some strange … Crazy? Sect? PAVEL . Traitors! They want to go to Cuba! Liberty Island! They don’t die here, you see. (pause) What did she say to do it? LIGHT . It doesn’t matter… Zaya, well, forgive me… Forgive such a fool. Is Cuba like Crimea? PAVEL . Close the door.
Sveta closes the door.
PAVEL . So you misbehaved? LIGHT . Yes, Zaya, I’m a bad girl… PAVEL . So you need to be punished… LIGHT . Punish me… And tomorrow we’ll go to Zwilling and punish the HOA.
Pavel turns on the music loudly, extinguishes the electric candles.
3.
HOA office. Near the flipchart Galina Rudolfovna and Artur, Nadezhda, Alla, Sergey. Before them are Mikhalych and Grisha. In front of them is a young man of about 25, in jeans and a jacket, under the jacket a T-shirt with Che Guevara is Pavel, and a girl in a blouse and skirt is Sveta. Behind a couple of young people is Antonina Petrovna, she took off her dressing gown, she is wearing a jacket with medals. Behind Antonina Petrovna are two men in their forties in leather jackets.
GRISHA . Let pass. Who are you? Do you even know who I am? LIGHT . You are currently a member of the Homeowners Association for which our body has questions. GREGORY . What? Well, you got it, organ! In short, I’m calling now – and you kapets!
Grigory dials a number on the phone. Mikhalych approaches Pavel.
MIHALYCH . No, he is only a part-time member, on a voluntary basis. That’s how he works in the administration … You’ve stirred up a mess in vain. PAVEL . Maybe we can start then? We will voluntarily lay down our powers, answer the questions of the residents and disperse. NADIA . Some tension is felt. Let’s have tea, coffee and talk… SVETA . We didn’t come to talk! GREGORY . And you kapets! LIGHT . We present a new control body for your home. NADIA . Excuse me, but what does it mean – a new body? And the HOA? What about the management company? We just voted before you… ANTONINA . Domkom is now in the house of power! Suddenly?! SERGEY . What did you say? Domkom? A quantum leap into the past, back to the Soviet Union? We all respect you, Antonina Petrovna… What happened? ALLA (Antonina.) You can, I’ll go, I’m on fire … ANTONINA . I know where you’re on fire! (To everyone.) Enough, we’ve been hunched over you bourgeois! NADIA . Somehow it all went wrong, friends! Gentlemen, countrymen, residents… GRISHA . Mom, maybe someone offended ?! You tell me, I’ll figure it out. .. ALLA . Let me out now… Men, do something! PAVEL (looks at notebook) . You seem to be an actress?! MIHALYCH . You know how she reads poetry – it twists her soul! I don’t want to live, and then I want to… ALLA (Paul). Who are you? On what basis … Show the documents! How do you know I’m an actress? LIGHT . No need to shout, not in the theater! Now let’s figure out who is who … SERGEY . And why are you with us in such a tone? .. They locked the door, put criminals in and think you can get away with it? FIRST . What did you say, bespectacled?! SECOND . Quiet, bro, he provokes us on purpose. SERGEY . I also require documents! By what right can we keep us here?! ANTONINA . Said everything?! You can only chat. It is clear why your woman got a man. So, so, comrades, there is no need to panic… SERGEY . What do you allow yourself?! What kind of guy did she get?! Who gave the right? ALLA . In vain I turned off the iron … GREGORY . In short, it’s time for the night! Now people are coming. It’s better to let me out in a good way, and I’ll try to forget about this rigmarole… Free the passage…
Grisha wants to go to the exit, the way is blocked by men in leather jackets.
SECOND . Settle, dear! We are invited people here, not we, purely, decide … FIRST . You don’t need to bully… If you want to decide something, let’s decide… GALINA . Grigory, these are completely crazy comrades, don’t even try. It looks like there is serious armor in the head… GREGORY . Do you know them? GALINA . We met yesterday… We shared the sandbox. Almost played with knives, right, boys? Why are you so sad today? ARTHUR . They wanted to take us to the forest in the trunk, make us dig our own graves! FIRST . What did you say, bad boy! Hiding behind mommy, piss? SECOND . You said she wasn’t his mother… FIRST . So ask her yourself! Get to know each other. Like, back and forth, I want to spit and sway with you … SECOND . It’s funny you said: “shpil-spilled.” Is this like “fuck-tibidoh”?! FIRST . No, “fuck-tibidoh” is something else… ARTHUR . Jerks! MIHALYCH . Petrovna, it seems to me that you are here for a long time, but I have a complaint about a leak. You would let me out so that I understand the scale of the disaster. I go back and forth. ANTONINA . We know your leak! One hundred grams – not a stopcock! Come sit with everyone! LIGHT . Yes, let’s all sit down and talk. Pavel and I are representatives of the public association “My home is my fortress” of the citywide public youth organization “Grandchildren of Susanin”. Several letters were received from the tenants of your house with complaints about the arbitrariness of the HOA, and our department decided . .. ALLA . Quiet! Whose grandchildren are you? Susanina? Are you serious? Are you in yourself, gentlemen-comrades?! They quickly opened the door and let me out, otherwise I’ll call the police. PAVEL . Police. Call. What will you tell them? That the tenants of house number seventeen on Zwilling Street decided to demand a report on the work done from the HOA? (pause) Here is an initiative group of residents, we are public observers. What problems? GREGORY . The problem is the following. Just carefully watch my thought… I’ll break your nose now if you don’t open the door! LIGHT . No, you won’t break it, Grigory Viktorovich. You will now sit down, calm down and listen to our proposals. GRISHA . And then what? FIRST . Hey, no need to shout! GREGORY . Do you even know who you said “hey” to? SECOND . In the sense – be quiet … He provokes us, bro! Keep yourself to yourself. .. GREGORY . Mother, are these immortals with you?! You tell them… ANTONINA . Right now, son! I’ll tell you! You don’t want the administration to find out about the bike paths, which are only on paper, do you? GREGORY . What?! In short, mom and company, I’m not going to mess with you here! Step aside, let’s go! PAVEL . Go! The door is locked, so until we get answers to our questions, we will not leave here. So let’s start faster and finish faster. We understand that you have become hostages of the situation… Let’s resolve it at home as well. GREGORY . Why are you tearing your ass like that?! You are not even from our house… SVETA . This is our country, and everything here is ours… MIHALYCH . I’ll go and pour myself some tea…
Mikhalych comes to the table, pours tea into a cup, takes a flask from his pocket, pours it into a mug.
NADIA . Antonina Petrovna, who are these young people? They forced you, didn’t they? PAVEL (looks at notebook). Nadezhda Gennadievna, surrender your authority… You are a reasonable person. Why are you getting into all this? You are a housewife, you have a little daughter… NADIA . I am not a housewife – I have my own business … Speaking in official language, I am self-employed … And what does my daughter have to do with it? ALLA . Yes, I wonder who managed to tell them about us, eh, Antonina Petrovna? GRISHA . Why are you like this, mother? What offended? I am always kind to you… GALINA . Pavel, you are an enterprising person, but young … Stupid for now, I would say … I want to advise you something … You wouldn’t get into these showdowns, we’ll figure it out ourselves, like a neighbor … such a case: cohabitants arrange a disassembly. You take your girlfriend and go home, improve the demographic situation. .. Although, it’s better not to… MIHALYCH . A pig will not give birth to a beaver … You in this sense … LIGHT . Woman, you don’t need to be so nervous… And you don’t need to insult… SERGEY . No, it’s necessary! What are we here to you, wordless? Where did you come from, activists? Just like these … crawled out from somewhere! Was not – and there were! GREGORY (Paul). Hey, open the door, Pavlik Morozov! ARTHUR . We are ready to withdraw our authority if everyone is so tense… Well, I’m definitely ready… GALINA . Well, bunnies, bunnies! Crap to you! I won’t leave here just like that! Out of principle! Because you’re fucked up, babes! Goodbye! ALLA . If you don’t open the door now, this minute, I’ll arrange this for you! Do you think I read poems to children in schools?! Yes, you guessed it! I still read a lot, I have friends! PAVEL . Are you threatening us now? ANTONINA . So everyone shut up before I get mad! (Points to Galina.) Everything is clear from this one: there is a machine for counting money in my head! And you, Nina, how did you get involved in this? Are you not like that? Your mother is such a good woman, your daughter is a doll… SERGEY . What did you stick to the person? GREGORY . Where are you going again? LIGHT . That’s it! GALINA . Nina, don’t answer them, they turn you on on purpose… NINA . No, I’ll tell you. I’ve been living here for the second year… And I care, especially since I have a daughter. What did we have here? A wasteland in the yard, a table with benches for drunkards?! Yes, it’s unpleasant for me, that’s why I took it on and organized the Partnership! What got worse? And we made flower beds, and we plant trees, and subbotniks. You clean up your house, buy new furniture, make repairs… But what’s behind the door, it’s nobody’s business, is it?! Everything you want is possible there . .. And they made intercoms and video surveillance … Don’t you need any of this? Do you want dirt? You see how people live in Europe! You go, and along the route it’s clean, you understand? Cows graze there, grass grows like ours. But everything is well-groomed for some reason, because the owner is there. You look as if it is something fabulous, painted. Do you understand?! And I decided to change something here, with us. We are normal people… Yes, here, in our house, in our yard… But we have to start somewhere! Nobody cared! It’s also impossible, we are people, it needs to be beautiful … At least I tried … Maybe not in the way everyone needs … Do you need something in general? PAVEL . So why are you sitting here if it’s so beautiful there?! Let’s go… We’re already here, somehow, in shit… ANTONINA (to Pavel). So, finish the political information! No one is judging you, Nadia. Did – well done. But, as they say, “it’s time and honor to know” . .. Beautiful – yes, but you can’t spread beauty on bread … What is the use of your beauty? LIGHT . And I agree with Pavel: if you don’t like it – come on, goodbye! We’ll manage without you! We have our own way! We have a special mission! (Pause.) “We can’t be driven to the backyard! You can’t measure it with a common yardstick: we have a special become! We will live, create and believe!” (Pause.) We’ll show everyone… GALINA . Well, yes, you mess up … You haven’t shown everyone yet? You do it, do it, otherwise youth is so… ALLA (to Galina). Well, you probably understand in this matter! (Sveta.) You should read something… Otherwise it’s somehow embarrassing for you…
First and Second pull Grisha away from the door, he resists.
GRISHA . Let go who you told! SECOND . What to do with him? Blame? FIRST . What to bring down? You yourself said not to take guns, like, it’s a quiet matter. .. ANTONINA . Quiet, fools! We don’t need to scare the people here! Put him on a chair… (To Nadya.) Nadya, give me something to tie violently, otherwise we won’t talk calmly. SERGEY . What do you want, Antonina Petrovna, feats? Are you bored? MIHALYCH . True, Petrovna, why are you doing such an asshole?!
First and Second I seat Grisha on a chair.
GRISHA . Now you have completely confused everything! I’ll arrange this for you… You’ll all be raked! Guys, what are you waiting for? There’s only two of them, this baby boy doesn’t count! Mikhalych, Prokopych, what are you doing? GALINA . Hey, thugs, hands removed from him! ARTHUR . Galina, don’t! NADIA . Maybe some tea? ANTONINA . Everyone sat down! Ass pressed and do not fidget and keep silent in a rag! (Takes out a plump folder with papers from under his jacket.) That’s what I have! Bomb! It’s about all of you! Every single day is fixed! Starting with what the weather was like, ending with who came to whom, who had a fight with whom, and further down the list . .. Why did you think that Petrovna was just washing the floors here ?! No, I make sure that you don’t fuck everything up to the end, as then, in the nineties! Give you free rein, so you will give the last! You, Nadya, were talking about a table with benches … Like, drunks were sitting there. There my folder sat at one time, and I sat next to it. And I was happy because the folder is nearby. But you decided that if you remove everything there and decorate it with plastic, then there will be full pants of happiness ?! You just have to spoil everything that was before you! Intelligentsia! Why did you suddenly decide that you understand what the people need? With what fright?! Do you even know how much you wrote about each other?! You are all bashful, they asked me to take their claims against each other. What am I to you, mail dove?! Here they are all! So we all sat down quickly and do not blather!
Music was playing loudly outside.
4 .
Office. Two men in leather jackets drink bottled beer and eat chips.
SECOND . No, you really screwed them up today! This one, who is her son, let’s get hysterical, beat on the door … And his mother is like that … And you are like that, we’ll ride in the trunk now! FIRST . What, would you blow her? SECOND . What did you blow? FIRST . Well, like, poofed… SECOND . Ah, in that sense… No, what are you doing! I somehow have someone… FIRST . Come on, even I would blow such a mother! Did you really think he was her son? Yes you drive! In kind, did not catch up that they are not relatives ?! SECOND . Who? Lovers, like?! She’s old… Well, like, older than him… FIRST . No, well, what’s the deal? Lost – admit it. Well, yes, clearly, he lost. I’ll win back! And there are no questions. What to prove?! It’s clear what … SECOND . Repeat, this is… Well, it’s understandable… FIRST . I see. .. SECOND . No, it was “burning” there … Ba-lin. There was “bitter”. Your mother! “Well,” I say, there was “what”! FIRST . And what? SECOND . Well, repeat, not in the bastard… FIRST . It’s clear what … SECOND . You get it so hilariously: “it’s understandable.” FIRST . And what’s the catch? SECOND . Do not mind it! FIRST . No, explain: what’s the catch? I’m not catching up, why are you laughing at me?! SECOND . Okay, what are you up to? Come on, in short… FIRST . What’s shorter? Are you laughing at me?! Am I your type of clown? SECOND . What are you up to, bro? I’m purely like that … It just became funny to me, you said so cool “just a little bit”. Like a “bug”, so he neighed … FIRST . So I’ll fill you up now, bro, if you don’t explain to me why laugh here! I’m really not funny, you hear?! What am I to you, a faggot from the TV, to laugh with me? Or are you taking me for a fool?! SECOND . Hey slow down bro! You don’t throw such presentations, I’m not bullshit either! FIRST . I don’t understand what “too” means? SECOND . Also not … You understand ?! Also not … FIRST . Also not … Ahhh, frenzy! Say it again! SECOND . What? FIRST . “Tozhene” say. SECOND . What suddenly? FIRST . What’s in the bag? You asked – I repeated. Are you in trouble now? SECOND . I just don’t get it, why are you freaking out … I say “not too” and what? FIRST . To that wife… I’m tired, I’m a flycat! SECOND . You yourself are a bastard! What am I, like a clown, laughing at me?! FIRST . You laughed at me! Here’s your answer! One is one, bro! SECOND . No bro! Now I have to say that I will fail you… FIRST . Say… SECOND . If I say, I’ll have to fill up, otherwise I turn out to be a balabol.
The old man and the old woman enter the room . Backpacks behind the backs, badges hanging around the necks, which flash different lights. A man and a woman hold hands, in the second hand each has a stainless steel mug. First and Second do not notice them.
FIRST . Not understood. What, you decided to dump me? SECOND . What other options bro? If I tell you, I’ll have to leave. I’m not a balabol, you know. So don’t force me… FIRST . Have you signed me under balabol now? SECOND . Are you in the ears, bro? FIRST . You said that if you did, you’d have to leave, because you’re not a balabol. It was? It was … It turns out, from your words, that I was a balabol, because I didn’t dump you! OLD MAN . Good evening, brother! FIRST . What?! OLD WOMAN . Men, there is a conversation for you. SECOND . Who is this?! You are purely confused . .. Mother, father, with all due respect, is not up to you now. OLD MAN . Shall we scatter the Rams or will we crush the boobs? This is me, young people, so that you understand: I can speak your way. Here’s what we brought to you… Shows a mug. The first examines, gives the second. OLD WOMAN . Since ancient times, people have been able to make “melt water”, collect dew and rainwater, consecrate and purify water with silver objects. Now structured water is made by a nano-mug. FIRST . My grandma used to do this! I threw silver into the jar … OLD MAN . The topic, young people, the real topic! It is especially useful to drink such water during stress. I think you are under a lot of stress. SECOND . Enough, father … And what, pure water poured into it and that’s it? How much do you have to insist? OLD WOMAN . Such water several times reduces the content of such harmful substances as lead, fluorine, increases immunity. FIRST (Old man). And this… Well, the male part? OLD MAN . Problems? You’re young, like… FIRST . What? No, I’m not myself, I just want it as a present… OLD MAN . So take it for yourself! I can do it every day, sometimes twice… SECOND . Is that how water works? FIRST . Are you warming your ears? OLD WOMAN . Take it, men, your ladies will be happy! And among themselves you will be less ramsit. And then with such nerves you will knock each other out, and stress is to blame. SECOND . Right, mother! I, purely, get nervous a lot … This is the work, you understand. Today we caught up with one management company from the house, tomorrow we are going to disperse the partnership of owners. We are solving the housing problem, mother. In nature – stress … OLD MAN . We had one inmate, a seasoned one. Life has seen up and down, started with a youngster, and away we go. He was calm, like a boa constrictor. And why?! Every morning, the snoops extracted rain or melt water for him, purified it with silver, and then he drank it on an empty stomach. FIRST . You have to take it in kind. Get me a couple, father. OLD WOMAN . Without a market, dear! Ruble from you! FIRST . Are there any discounts? Expensive, mother… The old man takes a revolver out of his pocket, turns the drum, cocks the trigger. FIRST . What are you, father?! I just, purely, for fun, bargain… OLD MAN . Need a stem? Get it, it’s cheap. I can rent. Did you want to crush him? (Second). Maybe you need to? Did you want to beat him too?
Silence. The old man puts away the revolver.
SECOND . Good joke. From the bottom of my heart… I’m two, mother. Here’s a ruble… FIRST . And I have two, dear. (Pause.) Are you on your own, father, or are you making a profit out of someone?! It is clear that the pension is small . .. Do you need it, mother ?! OLD MAN . We are free people… We earn money for ourselves and send to our son, he is in captivity with us… SECOND . How long does it take him?! OLD WOMAN . Let’s not wait… Let’s die. FIRST . Mother, why are you burying yourself alive?!
Money is given to the old woman, she gives them boxes.
OLD MAN . Well, they began to fool! Good luck tramps! OLD WOMAN . Tie up with your nervous work – look for a normal job. You also have parents. Think about them! FIRST . Parents are sacred! Thanks for the tip, mother! From the heart! Only we are not like that – life is like that.
The old man and the old woman leave. The second took out a mug, poured beer from a bottle into it.
SECOND . Maybe we won’t go tomorrow Homeowners’ association kolp? FIRST . Glassed? SECOND . What did you immediately clear?! Who do you want to sign me for?! FIRST . Why are you pushing me empty, like, let’s not go?! SECOND . Well, cleanly, to change something in life … Rebranding. FIRST . Did you understand what you screwed up?! SECOND . I rewinded a year in school – management. Rebranding is an active marketing strategy. Which includes a set of measures to change the brand. Do you fool? Strategy! Were bandits – became someone else… FIRST . Is it nano-beer that got into your jar like that?!
A siren is heard outside. First and Second put out the light, hastily leave.
5.
HOA office. Everyone sat down on chairs. At the table Pavel, Sveta, Antonina. Nadia is standing next to the table. Mikhalych walks near the windows, looks out.
ANTONINA . Here, for example, flower beds. And what?! ALLA . And what beautiful flower beds. Yellow and blue flowers, harmoniously. LIGHT . Does this color scheme remind you of anything? NADIA . No problem, we can plant other flowers. I don’t understand the gist of the claim. PAVEL . I offer – white, blue, red. NADIA . Let’s vote, although it is somehow absurd. I consulted with people who are engaged in landscape design. SERGEY . What do we have, a party meeting?! What an absurdity, by God! LIGHT . Don’t blaspheme, man. ALLA . And you anathematize him! GREGORY . Mother… Excuse me, Antonina Petrovna, what do you suggest? ARTHUR . Excuse me, can we go?! You canceled our participation in the fate of the house. Why do we have to sit here? ANTONINA . It’s your turn, pigeons! The lawn needs to be removed… MIHALYCH . At all? We drain water from the basement there … And the flowers are good, and we can’t carry it … Two in one! NADIA . How are we without lawns?! It’s beautiful, green… SERGEY . It is clear now why the asphalt is always dirty. And if it rains, the slush champs… SECOND . I heard the goo champs! Ugar! And repeat again?! SERGEY . At the circus, right? Why are you acting like teenagers in puberty?! FIRST . What did you say? GALINA . And there is! Everything is on the face and on the face – sensitivity to outsiders’ assessment of their appearance, abilities, skills is combined with excessive arrogance and categorical judgments in relation to others. Didn’t recognize yourself? ANTONINA . Quiet! Not in class! We clean the lawns, clear the local area. There are 80 apartments in the house, 19 cars are parked on the site near the house… NADIA . Near the house there are two paid parking lots. It’s cheap, I park my car there. GRISHA . If one goat out of 23 apartments knew how to park, two more would fit in. PAVEL . Wait, her turn will come… ARTHUR . Why do I have to listen to this crap?! Let’s go, Galina Rudolfovna. They didn’t intimidate us yesterday and they won’t do anything today. LIGHT . I have questions for you too, don’t worry. Here, the fifth point “Ask from the Management Company “Uyut”, director G.R. Inanimate for money…» NADIA . I remember such a company. She was before our HOA, I can’t say anything bad … But I didn’t recognize you, Galina Rudolfovna. And you didn’t say you worked for us… ALLA . Oh, great and mighty Russian language! Ask for money! Aren’t you ashamed, Susanin’s grandchildren?! Who wrote this?! GALINA . Wait a minute… There is no such management company anymore… I closed it… PAVEL . And it’s our right to ask, so don’t leave… ARTHUR . What are you going to do to me? Do you know who my father is?! You do not know! They quickly opened the door and let us out! LIGHT . What are we going to measure dads now? NADIA . To be honest, it’s kind of wild: to close us in the office and ask for some kind of report from us. Maybe we can come to an amicable agreement, Antonina Petrovna? MIHALYCH . Shall we have a drink to ease the tension, so to speak? ARTHUR . Even I would drink now. You have? MIHALYCH . I can call, they will bring it. Well, what are we going to fold?! PAVEL . Drinking alcohol in a public place, and this room is a common house territory, – article 178 of the Code of Administrative Offenses … MIHALYCH . I just suggested… GREGORY . Stop being distracted. Offer to clean the lawn and increase parking? I am “for”, it is high time, but how the orphans huddle together! Let’s vote. ALLA . Well, you are some kind of fat orphan! We are not fools, we understand that you need to cram two cars – yours and your wife – an orphan. Where are the sidewalks? Where are we mortals going? SERGEY . Yes, wait! Gentlemen, members of the board, we are sane adults. Why do we allow two criminals from vocational schools, two impostors, and, excuse me, a pensioner, to organize a revolution here? Do you understand all the absurdity? Why are we silent?! I am a person with a university education, I am an assistant professor. .. GALINA . And they are blockheads, I’m talking about the Petushniks … I talked to them yesterday, I had to give up one house. And you will give… PAVEL . We are not impostors – we were invited. No need to offend our feelings, Sergei Prokopevich. Here, there is a statement against you … They write that you installed a webcam in the corridor in order to monitor who comes to your neighbor Alla Sergeevna. ALLA . Yes, I did! SERGEY . What? This is for safety. I, as a man, have to protect my family… Who are you to ask such questions… LIGHT . We are representatives of a public organization… ALLA . Shut up, rep! Men, really, why are you sitting? There are three of them and three of you… (to Galina.) Yes, there are also yours – four! Let’s do something. It really is some kind of Kafka! FIRST . Heard?! Kavka! SECOND . And what? FIRST . Kavka! Rzhach! SERGEY . We were born to make Kafka come true… Idiocy! (Alle.) Did you write a denunciation against me?! So, I was not mistaken in you, you are just like that… ALLA . Well, what am I?! ANTONINA . Stop bashing! GALINA (Grisha). What are you talking about?! You are a real man! Do something… At least try. GREGORY . Don’t yell at me, lady. What do you offer me? Soak in the toilet and bury on the lawn? The nineties are over! Don’t fuss – we’ll decide… ANTONINA . Let’s get back to lawns! The idea is to remove the lawns, divide the local area equally by the number of apartments. Those who do not have a car can sell their territory or rent it to a neighbor. Or maybe not rent, but use for agricultural needs – dill, onion there … MIHALYCH . Famously you, Petrovna, invented it. What are we doing here?! Communism in a single yard?! PAVEL . It seems to me that this is an absolutely timely decision. I’m not afraid of this word – innovative. Otherwise, how can we equalize the bias between the incomes of the population?! And this will partially reconcile us. SERGEY . Well then, share the playground! I don’t have children, I don’t need it … Do I have the right to my own plot on the playground? I have! And let the children play on the road or sit at home. ALLA . And I don’t have kids! Let’s share! Why are you silent?! GREGORY . She has no children! That’s how they should be done! And you read poetry, along the way, instead! Children from poems will not appear… ALLA . Yes, you go with your children… SVETA . What are you carrying?! Children are sacred! This is our future. How are you, in general… ANTONINA . Vote! Who agrees”? FIRST . For children?! I’ll hold off until… And you, bro?! SECOND . What? FIRST . I speak for children… SECOND . Clearly, children, like a mother, are sacred… SERGEY . What is our interest in voting? I won’t vote on principle… NADIA . Excuse me, but who are we now? You have canceled our rule. Why are we interested in voting? I really need a daughter. She is there alone, with her mother… ANTONINA . Yes, you are interested! If you vote now, I leave it on the board of the Domkom. The interest is simple: board members do not pay for the overhaul of the house. Vote? ALLA . They don’t pay at all? MIHALYCH . Well, then you can vote. FIRST . Go-poke … Rzhaka! SECOND . And what? FIRST . Think about it! Don’t you fool? SECOND . What? What’s so funny?! FIRST . I’ll chew you up later. Vote! Ugar! GRISHA . Are we going to vote in kind or what?! NADIA . Some kind of nonsense. .. I have no desire to participate in all this… PAVEL . Personally, we can leave you as the secretary of the Domkom or the Head of the house. LIGHT . For beautiful eyes such a position to her? Or do you have your own interest, Pavel? ARTHUR . And what is the point of voting for Galina Rudolfovna and me? They don’t put us at all here… SVETA . And we can find some work for you and your boy too … GALINA . Girl, did you even finish school? Where did you all come from? I look at you and understand that you can do one thing – it’s nice for boys to do, and even then, probably, not wow! Go do it, mind your own business, don’t meddle in what you don’t understand. Some time of puberty. There are two clowns sitting over there, yesterday they, like, squeezed my business out of me … Deer, by God! They sat face to face in the cell, threatened me, promised to take me to the forest. It’s all written down, boys. This muten, Grigory with a dog in honor of a ballerina, what are you doing? Scared in the nineties? Let’s decide! Decided! So open the door, I twirled all your bunch. ANTONINA . Well, it’s hard to say. Let’s see how it will turn out in court… FIRST . Some kind of leftist topic has begun … It is necessary to bring down. SECOND . Who to bring down? GALINA . And what about the court? FIRST . Heard, “judgment”! Let’s go, in short! (To Antonina.) Mother, I’m sorry, but then the left topic went, we didn’t sign up to participate in this! ANTONINA . Shut up! (to Galina.) And who was the general director of Uyut Management Company? ALLA . What difference does it make to us who was there? Let me out, my trial starts in five minutes… You could say my fate is being decided, and you are here… SERGEY . Haven’t tried them all yet? ARTHUR . What judgment, Galya?! I don’t want to go to court, I wasn’t there when Uyut was. FIRST . The boy pissed! SECOND . The point is playing! GALINA . Don’t be hysterical, Arthur. (Antonina.) You’re bluffing! Show what you have there… MIHALYCH . Maybe we’ll have a drink – it seems that you can’t figure it out without doping. NADIA . Surely, there is tea, coffee ?! ANTONINA . Sit down, how cute! Both you and your little boy… Swindlers!
Arthur stands up, he has a clerical knife in his hands, he put the knife to his wrist, put his hands out in front of him.
ARTHUR . I’ll cut myself now! Give all the papers to Galina and let us out! I count to three and cut my wrists! One… Two… GRISHA . What are you, cuckoo?! GALINA . Arturchik, Za… FIRST . Aaaaaa! Heard?! Zaya! Rzhaka! SECOND . I didn’t understand the humor… ARTHUR . I warned! Now there will be three! If anything, it will be on your conscience!
Mikhalych walks behind Arthur, grabs his hands. First and Second take the clerical knife from Arthur.
6.
office. There are boxes of nano-mugs on the table. An old woman sits at the table. The old man walks around the office.
OLD MAN . Well, my girl! A little more, a little more… OLD WOMAN . Maybe it’s already here. There is no one to bury there… Are you sure that we need to go there? OLD MAN . He has no peace in anything, this experience is sad, He locked the office to hell and went into the trenches himself. Coming down from the partisan mountains, breathing the midnight heat, Major Ernesto Che Guevara died in a foreign country. OLD WOMAN . You read this poetry when you have nothing to answer… OLD MAN . “To achieve much, you must lose everything.” Don’t be afraid, my dear… OLD WOMAN . We lost everything to go to your youth, to your dream. OLD MAN . We need one last trip, dear. We will do it and we will be free. OLD WOMAN . Not all things have yet been taken away, and they are still standing on the site. I went today…. How much we have accumulated there in our life… Why? For whom? (Pause.) We can’t leave now: a buyer has to come and give money for our apartment. OLD MAN . I’m just offering to make some money on rum and cigars. Don’t worry, I figured everything out, we’ll make it. OLD WOMAN . It turns out that we have been working in vain all our lives… OLD MAN . What are you sad about? OLD WOMAN . We worked to buy these things, so that people could have everything … And now it turns out that it’s all in vain … All life is in vain … Is it so? There are a lot of things that I left from my mother … Some kind of half-decayed shawls, scarves … A whole suitcase of photographs … Someone’s skis, skates … I don’t even remember where we got them from. Why did we live like this, why, for whom?! And our parents lived like that, their parents. .. We don’t change at all… Tell me! Why is everything in a circle? And all life as if through fingers… OLD MAN . Well, everything, everything, my good … OLD WOMAN . Why didn’t I realize before that I shouldn’t live like this? To work, home, work, home, to the cottage on the weekend or to my mother in the garden. Like in a dream… OLD MAN . Well, you and I traveled around the country and were at sea… OLD WOMAN . I remember that… Where did everything else go, between the students of the institute and old age?! Where is this time? Where did it go? Turned into a pile of rubbish? OLD MAN . But now nothing holds us, right?! Smile! Come on, let’s go sell a couple more nano-circles to the nano-weirdos. Well! (Singing) Cuba – my love! Crimson Dawn Island… OLD WOMAN . The song flies over the planet, ringing: “Cuba – my love!” OLD MAN . Do you hear the beaten step? This is the barbudos coming. OLD WOMAN . The sky above them is like a fiery banner… Do you hear the beaten step?
The old man hugs the old woman, kisses her. Put boxes with mugs in backpacks. The old man took out a revolver, twirled the drum, put it in his pocket.
7.
HOA office. Everyone sat down on chairs. At the table Pavel, Sveta, Antonina. There is a chair next to the table, Galina is sitting on it. Mikhalych and Artur are drinking on the sly. One and Two join them.
PAVEL . Was the repair of the entrances carried out according to the estimate for which your management company “Uyut” received money from the residents? GALINA . Go to hell! GREGORY . Well, what kind of kindergarten? We are not in court, so, purely for ourselves to understand … ALLA . Why did you stick to her? She says there is no such company anymore. SERGEY . Why are you protecting her? Most recently, she was unpleasant to you. Female solidarity? NADIA . Friends, let’s at least try to pretend that we are not completely enemies. No, well, really … I understand that we have such a kind of game here, but there is no need to overact. And then they directly attacked the woman. LIGHT . What does this have to do with it? If she were a man, they would ask her the same way… She is like a former director here, not like a woman. SERGEY . And who are you now? As a woman or as a public body? FIRST . Rzhaka! Well done bespectacled! Public Organ! Like a toilet… GREGORY . Quiet there! What’s wrong? Have you found anything to drink, Mikhalych?! (Pause.) Where is the money, Galya? You tell us, and we’ll go quietly. PAVEL . Somehow you are very disrespectful, Sergei Prokopevich, in your comments about public figures. Do you think that we are empty space? That we don’t have leverage? There is! Personally, I promise to demonstrate them to you. You just insulted a girl, a woman, a mother in the presence of all of us… You insulted her civic impulse to help… I’ll write a complaint against you. And then we’ll see who and what body… SECOND . Here is a cart, so a cart! Naturally powerful! ARTHUR . I insulted you too! Licking! Write me down: Artur Ivanovich Pofigistov. I put my organ on your organ. I can even give you a face! GALINA . Arthur, what are you drinking? Don’t listen to him, he can’t drink at all… FIRST . Well done! Let’s move on… Don’t piss! SECOND . Hit him! Do you want us to support him? ALEVTINA (Paul.) Pashenka, son, you’ve done your job, now shut up already. All our agreements are in force, we will settle accounts. Then we’ll figure it out on our own, in a family way … NADIA . Do you have another drink? (to Galina.) Would you like a drink? Mikhalych, be kind… SVETA . That’s what family talk leads to. Now everyone will get drunk and reconcile. What was the point of doing all this then? So that it all ends with a banal booze? And where did you get the idea, Antonina Petrovna, that we should withdraw ourselves? GREGORY . I didn’t understand: will we quarrel or will we look for hard-earned money? MIHALYCH . Gregory, what are you doing? I don’t have money, we’ve been through! Forget, don’t remember. PAVEL . I warned, article 178 of the Code of Administrative Offenses. Alevtina Petrovna, don’t stand like that… What kind of familiarity, son? I feel that you can’t be here without us. ALLA . Here you are a freak! That’s right, the boy said about you – ass-licking! What sadness in the merry boil! To know, that’s why I want so much, Having pulled up my pants, To run after the Komsomol. MIHALYCH . I know sadness cannot be drowned in wine, Souls cannot be cured Deserts and breakaways. To know, that’s why I want it so much too, Pull up your pants, Run after the Komsomol. GREGORY . Morning began at the collective farm. Mayakovsky is on the move! MIHALYCH . Yesenin Sergey Alexandrovich – the great Russian poet! SERGEY . You know, this is a matter of taste, not Pushkin, but let’s not argue. SECOND . Damn, it’s beautiful! In kind, for life! Tell me bro! FIRST . What can I say, bro? PAVEL . Enough! Shut up everyone! NADIA . Please don’t scream! Don’t spoil our aura! ALEFTINA . Are you crazy, boy?! Why are you yelling, not at a meeting… ARTHUR . Galina, get up. I don’t want you to sit there… Come to me. PAVEL . Who has the key? Now open the door, we’re leaving. We do not run, we will return. ALLA . And what, my immoral behavior will no longer be discussed? I saw that you wrote there. “Immoral behavior of Antonova A.A.” It’s me, discuss. NADIA . Allah, why are you? SECOND . Something interesting, in kind, is planned.
Pavel and Sveta go to the exit, Alla blocks their way .
ALLA . Well boy, I’m waiting. Discuss the immoral behavior of Aunt Alla. What is wrong with me? Do men visit me? I even know who wrote. This one, my neighbor… His wife horns him while he examines female students at the university. And he is haunted by the fact that men come to me… (To Sergei.) Well, why are you silent?! Courage not enough to show that he wrote to me? Coward! And you know about your wife, only you are afraid that she will leave you, such a worthless thing. And who else will look at you?! So you endure, horny … (To everyone) Yes, men come to me! Am I fucking with them in the hallways? No. So why did you decide to participate in my personal life? PAVEL . Do you have children? NADIA (Paul). Well, you’re a freak! (To Sergey.) And you, Sergey Prokopevich… ALLA . I have psoriasis, but no children. Therefore, it’s not that men look at the skin, but after that they don’t look at me. So I’m looking for the very one who will come to terms with such ugliness of mine. Well, have you discussed it? Beast! Get out of here and take your pacifier! Get out! Mikhalych, give me a drink… MIHALYCH . Well, you are a goat, Arkadich. I treated you with respect: like, professor… SERGEY . Why are you all looking at me like that?! Yes, I wrote because I thought it was immoral! What are you staring at?! I wrote out of anger, out of resentment. Yes, a cuckold, a loser… Got angry and wrote. Today it turned out that everyone writes … Let’s read aloud who wrote what and to whom! And then they hatched here on me… Go, all of you…
Sveta clung to Pavel. One and Two blocked the door.
GRISHA . Damn, okay, when the women are hysterical, it’s understandable. But when professors are too much. Hey, are we going to do something about parking? MIHALYCH . Alla, my good, drink. (Gives a mug.) What are you doing? So beautiful and crying. Do not Cry! You read poetry so much that I want to cry. Honestly … I even found you in Odnoklassniki, I always give you hearts. Only I’m there under a different name. GALINA (Antonina). Well, what have you achieved? They made a revolution, but what next – you don’t know? Well, share everything, and it will become better? ANTONINA . And you teach me! We’ll talk to you in court, I won’t leave it like that. They cheated us and came to rob us again! No, that’s enough, parasites. Have you done anything useful with your hands? You can only speak. At the expense of us, hard workers, live, eat in three throats and do not choke! How would you live if not for us? If not for me, not for Mikhalych, other ordinary people . .. Who grow bread, mine coal, make machine tools. How would you live? No, it’s not enough for you – she came to rob us again! Yes, your repairs to the entrance, the elevator and the local area crap to me. Shove this beauty up your ass! All my life we lived without these greenhouses near the house and nothing, somehow we grew up with people. They did not become some kind of traitors or parasites due to the fact that our mothers planted flowers in whitewashed tires. And they swung on the swing, which our fathers collected from scrap metal with their own hands. And you suddenly feel like buying everything! And to shit on you, who gave how much health and years of life to their country, you collect the same from everyone. And from the granny, and from the healthy bullies, who did not lift the phone heavier. That is why I came to you today. And I called these, because there are many of them and the power, what no, is behind them. Only I did not understand, fool, that they also shit on me. That’s why I. .. Because you don’t know how to be fair… Because… NADIA . Antonina Petrovna, aunt Tonya, let me sit you down. You have a heart, you can’t… ANTONINA . But you can … Why did Nadya want to attach these thieves to us again? GALINA . Open the door, call an ambulance! Arturchik, what are you standing for? ARTHUR . She is dying? GREGORY . Mother, what are you? We are all good to you. Tell me what to do, I will do it… SERGEY . Why are you like a dying? MIHALYCH . Petrovna, you toss it to me! We still have a leak with you on the first floor. ANTONINA . Rename our street to some normal one. And what kind of Zwilling is this… Live together… I wanted justice, but how it turned out…
The door opens, the Old Man and the Old Woman enter. They are wearing baseball caps with the Cuban flag, sunglasses, backpacks on their backs, mugs in their hands.
OLD MAN . Good afternoon, dear ones! We are pleased to welcome you on behalf of the international nano-concern for the production and storage of structured water. OLD WOMAN . Today we have an Event, and we have come to share this joy with you! There is nothing more important than health! Our body, like all living things… NADIA . Hush, please… ALLA . Shut up now… GREGORY . Breathe, mother, breathe… Check how the pulse is…
The first feels Antonina Petrovna’s pulse on one hand, the second on the other hand. At the same time let go of Antonina’s hands. Pavel and Sveta are baptized. Following them, the First and Second are baptized. Silence.
8.
Office chairs, table. Galina is sitting on the table, Arthur is sitting on a chair next to him, he put his head on Galina’s knees, she goes through his hair.
GALINA . Scared my cat. No, at first you were scared, and then, like a tiger, you began to protect me. The bandits scared my cat… Good one… (Pause.) Freaks! Where did they come from, I thought that they, as a species, had already died out … Goats-tramps! ARTHUR . And I thought that they would kill us … Well, me for sure! Did you hear what they called me?! GALINA . Hush, kitty, hush. You are not like that! ( Pause.) No, what stupid presentations! Pay us for garbage collection! To whom?! He was not in the project yet, when I already ruled in the Komsomol! And what greyhounds, youngsters! And, most importantly, do not be afraid of anything! “I’ll call the police!” “Summon!”. “Now I’ll call people authoritative!”. “Call!”. How to be in such a situation? It’s the first time I’ve had this… (Pause.) No, but you’re doing a good job… When they offered to put me in the trunk and take me into the forest, you started knocking on the door just in time… (Pause) Do we have a drink? Give it to us, kitty! ARTHUR . And you, really, have already been carried in the trunk? GALINA . What can you not say out of fear. They didn’t carry it in the trunk, but there was a lot of fun. ARTHUR . You heard how they insulted me, but I’m not like that, you know … I’m not like that! (Pause.) What are we going to do now? GALINA . I told you, kitty, you’re not like that! Pour a drink already. (Pause.) What to do?! We will take another house for management … And then let these goats rake in! Previously, there were at least some concepts, the people of the coast knew, but now ?! The chaos is complete! It feels like they flew in from somewhere, humanoids, their mother! Impenetrable! They also offended my cat, they would know what a tiger he is in bed! ARTHUR . I want to eat … Maybe I’ll go? Galya, why do you need me? GALINA . The cat wants to eat! The cat is on edge! They scared my cat … I thought that we had everything by mutual agreement. I have – what to give you … Where are you going? Have you got someone? (Pause.) That’s good! Now let’s go, eat, then we’ll bike. And tomorrow with new forces for work. Do you remember that we have a presentation tomorrow? This is our last chance, kitty! ARTHUR . Last… GALINA . The priest’s last wife… ARTHUR . Maybe you should try something else? GALINA . To me? Did the cat mess up something? Is the cat leaking? Trade in Chinese rags? I have already gone through this… Don’t be afraid, there is a quiet house… We will present ourselves, we will settle there, we will put down roots. (Pause.) Maybe someone jinxed me – I’m giving away my second house in a year … First, the shitty tenants got caught, all the complaints were scribbled against me, now the bandits … I need to go to my grandmother or some psychic to clean my karma. And let them look at you … ARTHUR . Why do you need me? GALINA . Scared?! Don’t be afraid, I won’t let you get hurt… It was you who was useless before, but now I’m with you. The folder with the mother left my cat… How could you leave such a paw… ARTHUR . You can find anyone else for yourself… GALINA . I’m old for you, right?! Just say it and let’s go… Old?! Speak! Well, kitty! What, scared again?
The door opens, the Old Man and the Old Woman enter, smiling. Behind the backs are backpacks, hanging around the necks badges that flash with different lights. A man and a woman hold hands, in the second hand each has a stainless steel mug.
OLD MAN . To understand water means to understand the Universe, all the wonders of nature and life itself. GALINA . I’m sorry, what? OLD WOMAN . Water is the source of life. Optimal use of structured water will help you lose weight, increase vitality and improve health. GALINA . You are wrong. .. OLD MAN . Nano-mug changes water, turning it from high-molecular to low-molecular, structured… ARTHUR . We won’t buy… OLD WOMAN . A cluster of such water consists of only 5-7 molecules. In the process of structuring, all negative information is erased, the memory of water is cleared. GALINA . Dear, you have the wrong address! OLD MAN . Such water has a high dissolving, splitting and exchange action. Nano mug for structured water… GALINA . Arturchik, see the pensioners off! OLD WOMAN . Use structured water in the treatment of gastric diseases: gastritis, stomach and duodenal ulcers, constipation, high acidity, dyspepsia. ARTHUR . Please go home… We won’t buy.
Arthur goes to the old people, they back away from him. The woman sat on the floor and closed her eyes.
OLD WOMAN . Structured water effectively thins the blood, maintains normal acid-base balance, prevents the progression of oncological processes and increases the body’s immunity. A mug must be used in every family. Buy a mug! I’m not leaving here until you buy… We need to make a plan, and you… Why is everyone so heartless?! GALINA . Why are you like this?! It’s just that we don’t need these yours, like them… OLD WOMAN . Nano mugs… Structured water, take it… We need to buy a ticket to Cuba. Give us the opportunity to at least die free! OLD MAN . Valya, let’s go… Why are you… Let’s go, my dear… Don’t… ARTHUR . Can we buy? To a new house with new mugs… You yourself talked about karma, maybe it will help… OLD WOMAN . Your son says correctly … Buy it, you won’t regret it … GALINA . Goodbye! Son, buy a mug, respect old age… OLD MAN . Valya and I treat all our sores with this water. Miracle mug!
The old man helps the old woman to get up. Arthur takes out the money, gives it to the Old Woman. The old man takes a box out of his backpack and hands it to Arthur.
OLD MAN . Check, please. Everything is without deception, we have a guarantee… OLD WOMAN . What a handsome son you have! GALINA . Would you like a drink? Don’t be shy, come over… My son will pour you a drink. ARTHUR . No need to check, thanks. We had a hard day… OLD MAN . There is an instruction in the box, you read it, it cures everything … GALINA . He is not my son… OLD WOMAN . Health to you, happiness … OLD MAN . Let’s go, Valya! Thank you, all the best! GALINA . This is my lover, do you hear, woman?! OLD MAN . Forgive us… OLD WOMAN . We have a plan, we need to sell at least one … ARTHUR . It’s okay, we understand. Goodbye…
The old man and the old woman leave.
GALINA . Go away…
Silence.
GALINA . What can you tell me, my boy? What do you want with your elastic body to touch another elastic body? Do you think I don’t know this? I was like you, young and resilient. I was the same age as you when I began to live with an elderly and inelastic. You close your eyes, and it’s almost not disgusting. You can imagine anyone. Only the smell spoils everything. A young body has a different smell, boy. You don’t understand it right now, wait, you’ll understand soon. It seems to be some kind of garbage, the smell, we pass millions of smells through ourselves every day. But this one is different. Something elusive, when you know for sure that this is not a young body. And we also understand our smell. Like animals, boy. We are animals, you hear? I am a bitch who subconsciously wants offspring. I would have given birth if there was someone nearby who would give them, all the litter, food and a roof. Understand? Why don’t you shut me up? Why are you listening to this crap! I just want warmth to snuggle up and be quiet. So that he smells like his family, so that it is warm, so that there is no fear. You scared the “brothers” today, so this is bullshit, boy. But when you’re under fifty dollars and yours isn’t around, then it’s scary! And I want to die right now, so as not to be like this, like this . .. Because it’s wrong, it shouldn’t be like this when there is no heat. (Pause.) A business lady, a soulless bitch… So it’s all from emptiness, from loneliness. Do you think I don’t feel like sitting at home and cooking dinner? Waiting from work, ironing shirts … I would lie like a dog and wait for him, you know ?! I would lie until I died of longing. (Pause.) And you’re afraid to die, because it’s scary that there will no longer be an option to meet this one…
Arthur closes the door, turns off the light. Approaches Galina, hugs her. You can hear the car alarm blaring outside.
9.
office. The table is in the middle. On it are bottles, snacks. Everyone sat around. Antonina sits at the head of the table. Everyone has nano-mugs in their hands.
ANTONINA . Well, for a consensus? SERGEY . What form of government do we have now? GALINA . Domkom, acting on the basis of the charter approved by the general meeting of homeowners. Part of the powers of the house committee is delegated by the same charter to the Nord-West Management Company, under the supervision of the public organization Uyut of the city-wide public youth organization Susanin’s Grandchildren. PAVEL . It is necessary to translate “Nord-West” into Russian. We are not somewhere there – we are here! ALLA . Northwest. And what does it fundamentally change? LIGHT . It supports our roots, foundations… ARTHUR . Do not continue, there you have a long list. GREGORY . What I want to propose… I propose to elect Antonina Petrovna as the first president of the Domkom and assign her a pension… MIHALYCH . I am “for”… By the way, I propose to rename Zwilling Street to Susanin. PAVEL . We do not vote, we put before the fact. SERGEY . And how will the re-elections of the house committee be carried out? LIGHT . According to the statute. If we write in it that elections are possible, then they are possible. If not, then indefinitely. NADIA . How are you feeling, Antonina Petrovna? GREGORY . Mr. President! ALLA . What a subtle fawning! So, we will now live on Susanin. Is it necessary to change all passports? ARTHUR . Where are the old people? And these, brothers who… GREGORY . Neighboring houses went to spud, nano-mugs vparivat. So, does this crap really work? MIHALYCH (examining the box). Manufactured from nano-stainless materials. GREGORY . From stainless steel? NADIA . And can we vote for bike paths and a platform for yoga and meditation with our house committee? ANTONINA . We will write out the gravel, we will give shovels to cyclists … If they scatter gravel along the paths, there will be paths. But with this yoga – I do not know. What is needed there? NADIA . Privacy. Nature. PAVEL . I think that we should initially care about traditional values. Yoga is not ours, I would say, it is completely alien to us. ALLA . And what is ours? Is there any worthy analogue of yoga? ANTONINA . In the garden you will work on six acres, and no yoga is needed. SERGEY . This is wrong, I think. Where do these adolescent reactions come from? This is something that goes into childish egocentrism. When cognition is controlled by a prelogical conviction: “If I do not recognize this, then this does not exist.” GALINA . We all, in my opinion, are engaged in denial… Isn’t it?! And the goal is one – to make life less unpleasant! So we’re all teenagers?! How does it work out somehow? GREGORY . Enough, bring the hurdy-gurdy! Let’s have a drink and go home. For Domkom! ALLA . Can I organize a free theater studio for children at our house? Can we put it in the bylaws? LIGHT . Only you will be controlled by our public organization. ALLA . What is it for? PAVEL . You want a studio at our house, and the house is under the supervision of the public organization “Uyut”. Everything is according to the law. ARTHUR . Galina, forgive me. GALINA . Have you drunk again? ARTHUR . You are not old… GALINA . Zaya… Don’t drink anymore… SERGEY . But these old people, they seem to have stepped out of our common puberty, only in the other direction… GREGORY . What did you say?! SERGEY . This, perhaps, is happiness. Alla, forgive me, please… NADIA . For happiness!
The door opens, the Old Man, the Old Woman enter. First and Second enter next, carrying barbecue on skewers, bottles, and food in bags. Alla, Nadya and Galina take out food, put it on the table.
FIRST . We’ve made such a fuss there now! Well, father, you are, in nature, cool! ANTONINA . What else happened? OLD MAN . A true revolutionary is driven by great love. It is impossible to imagine a real revolutionary who does not experience this feeling! Two houses were transferred from their HOAs under the control of Domkom! Hurrah, comrades! Well, pour us a staff and we’ll go to Cuba! Yes, my good? SECOND . In gives! I would like that at his age! OLD WOMAN . I want to make a toast. Drop everything! Throw and run… PAVEL . Well it started! Let’s go, everyone, we’re here by ourselves… FIRST . Listen, shut up! (Pause.) Speak, mother! OLD WOMAN . Quit junk, quit those you don’t like, quit a job that you don’t like … There is something so important, besides all this … And you are like on a leash, like in a dream, walking in circles, walking .. Then – once, and I didn’t seem to live, but it’s time to die already … There is something like that, I know … There is always no time for it, for some reason. But it is! Truth! That’s what I want to drink for… Perhaps this is freedom… OLD MAN . For freedom! “Liberators do not exist. People free themselves.”
Everyone clinks glasses and drinks. Arthur turns on the music on his phone. It is a sad and beautiful song. The old man is dancing with the Old Woman, Artur with Galina, Sergey with Alla, Pavel with Sveta. Mikhalych drank, got up, pushed Sergey aside, danced with Alla, hugged her. Grisha whispers something to Antonina, who brushes him off. First and Second drink and eat. End
_______________________________________________
About the author: VLADIMIR ZUEV
He was the chief editor of the special project “Dramaturgy” of the magazine “Literature”. Born in Kushva, Sverdlovsk Region. He studied at the Nizhny Tagil Pedagogical Institute, graduated from the Yekaterinburg Theater Institute with a degree in Dramaturgy, a seminar by Nikolai Kolyada (2008). Playwright, poet. Author of 25 plays. The plays were staged in Russia and abroad, published in the magazines Ural, Modern Dramaturgy, Dialog (Poland), and in collections of plays. Poems were published in the magazine “Arion”, in poetry collections. Laureate of the first prize at the International Competition of Contemporary Drama “Eurasia-2006” (Yekaterinburg) in the nomination “Play on a Free Theme”, laureate of the second prize at the International Festival of Contemporary Drama “Free Theater” (Belarus) in the nomination “Experimental Play”. Award “Debt. Honour. Dignity” from the journal “Modern Dramaturgy”. Finalist of the independent literary award “Debut” (2011). Award “Debt. Honour. Dignity -2015” in the nomination “Historical play”. Diploma of the winner of the laboratory of playwrights “Vozrozhdeniye. The day before. 1916-2016 “(Moscow Provincial Theater under the direction of Sergei Bezrukov). Performance by the Norilsk Polar Theater named after A. Mayakovsky based on the play by Vladimir Zuev “Wait for me and I’ll be back . ..” (directed by Anna Babanova) entered the long list of the All-Russian theater festival “Golden Mask” (2017). Member of the Union of Theater Workers.
Read the book “The Smell of Violet” online in full📖 — Ivan Okhlobystin — MyBook.
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Who is he, unknown? At the edge of a dead field Gathers violets. How much sadness must have His heart darkened.
Saiga, “violets”
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Publishing house expresses gratitude to Volkov for work on the work of the book
Publishing Humaner book
The publishing house would like to thank the photographer Andrey Fedechko for providing the photographs
Fires and lanterns were burning in the Mashkinsky forest at night. Grown-up men yelled gutturally, gesticulating fiercely. Frightened children were crying. Women squealed, clutching posters “We will defend the Mashkinsky Forest”, “The forest is for squirrels, not for priests”, or vice versa: “Let the Temple stand in the forest”, “The forest is for the Orthodox, not for the goblin”. Here, I managed to place a mobile food station “Little Potato”, and this was taken for granted by all those present.
The foremen shouted busily, cracking their fists, indistinguishable from one another, with short haircuts and identical uniforms. Finally, a metallic voice came from a megaphone: well, let’s go!
The tenants deftly lined up people in chains opposite each other, laughingly dragged aside the grandmother in a foil hat and stared into the night, waiting for a new command.
Alexander Kalachev looked around and stood up on his tiptoes to look behind his broad camouflage back with the inscription “OMON”. A jagged line of such backs separated the rally organizers and journalists from the horrors that lurked in the early twilight. Even in the dim light of the lanterns, it was hard not to notice the gloomy determination on the faces that united the opposing sides.
There was nowhere to retreat – pyramids of tents rose behind the warriors, and they were surrounded by native aspens. Therefore, the champions of ecology had only to strengthen the defense.
Kalachev carefully took a smartphone out of his pocket – the main weapon of a modern journalist, and, trying to attract less attention, began to shoot covertly. Ridiculously, like a crab, moving sideways and shouting slogans inappropriately for conspiracy, he approached the headquarters of the organizers of the rally. One of the inspirers of Mashkin’s bucha, who immediately reminded Kalachev of the headman Galya Zumberg from their group at the Faculty of Journalism, yelled into a megaphone so that the fillings in her mouth buzzed in resonance. The reporter came close and finally noticed the object of his hunt – a near-liberal deputy who shouted over someone on the phone, ending each sentence with an unworthy word of the people’s choice. And at that moment everything suddenly calmed down, and a friendly “Oooooh! ..” of an unclear emotional coloring flew over the crowd.
Kalachev instantly forgot about the deputy and, poking his head between the riot police, managed to film the end of the silent scene: a dark green bottle, obviously from under the port wine, spinning in the night air, blew in the middle of the banners of the fighters for the temple. According to the trajectory, it was not difficult to understand that the projectile was fired from the camp of the defenders of the forest. A girl with a megaphone screamed on a note close in pitch to ultrasound: “Provocation!!!” But her voice was drowned out by the screams of the temple supporters who rushed to the attack. The squirrel lovers, who had long been sitting in damp tents, met them with an unexpected counteroffensive. Forces collided in the middle of a clearing leading to a housing estate.
Cossack hats and knitted hats of football hooligans flashed in the darkness. Despite the efforts of the organizers on both sides, the fight broke into separate pockets. In the ensuing confusion, a mustachioed gentleman with a portrait of the pre-revolutionary reformer Stolypin punched an equally mustachioed gentleman with a portrait of Stalin, which caused a local massacre between the monarchists and the communists. The situation was also complicated by the fact that football hooligans recklessly acted in a fight on both sides and thrashed indiscriminately everyone.
In the red bonfires, the battle in Mashkinsky Forest looked like Bosch’s famous triptych, but it was not easy to distinguish devils from sinners: too often they changed roles. To complete the infernal resemblance, the sky above the battlefield was filled with multi-colored flashes of festive fireworks, launched under the guise of boys who had fled from all over the area.
In the meantime, a new force appeared on the battlefield – from the side of the road, black figures in space suits began to appear from the darkness. They were busily snatching activists from the crowd and dragging them behind a wall of shields. The crowd trembled and ran, but not to the paddy wagons, but up, to the hill, occupied by the headquarters of the forest defenders. The foremen, turning around until they were hoarse, tried to turn their wards around, but were drawn into the general commotion. The platform was overturned, the megaphone grunted and fell silent, and the supporters of the healthy lifestyle, having received a guard from the headquarters defense, consisting of strong guys in baseball caps with a squirrel, perked up and launched a counteroffensive.
Kalachev came up with the idea that if the organizers had been entrusted with the command of a real army, the ambush regiment on Kulikovo would undoubtedly have been lost without finding Khan Mamai among the steppe.
He was suddenly attracted by a familiar voice, hysterically shouting out articles of the constitution. A couple of meters away from him, four policemen were dragging a near-liberal deputy into oblivion. The “cosmonauts” were confronted by athletic volunteers in squirrel t-shirts, tightly holding their leader by the legs. The deputy was stretched out in the air, like St. Andrew, but at the same time he preached to the indifferent riot police about his rights and their duties. However, the punitive system won, there was a crack of tearing fabric, and solid American jeans, together with volunteers, flew in one direction, and the politician with four “cosmonauts” flew to the nearest paddy wagon.
With an unwavering hand, Kalachev filmed how the politician’s voluminous bare loins disappeared into the depths of the bus. Yes, it was a professional victory.
Suddenly, an unexpected and unusually strong blow to the ear made Kalachev fall to his knees. The native land was very cold, so he sat up on his haunches, putting things in order in his buzzing head, and looked up at the striker. In front of him stood a guy wearing a squirrel T-shirt that didn’t rhyme well with the SXE tattoo under his lower lip and short mohawk (however, in fashionable language, he was already called a mohawk).
– What are you filming here, fascist? the punk asked, aiming his boot at the phone.
Kalachev, who had just been thrown down on withered leaves, was given fear by the reflexes of a cat. He grabbed the gadget with one throw, jumped up and, putting his palms forward, chattered:
– Hey hey hey! What are you, I’m mine! I’m from headquarters! Stop, I say! Shhe, healthy lifestyle, the world is colored, not measles…
A reporter was saved from a furious attack by a grandfather with a poisonous neon inscription on a T-shirt “Zhydy, return Russia!”, who hit the “Iroquois” with a crutch on the shaved back of the head.
Kalachev prepared to say thanks to the anti-Semitic old man, but he shouted “Dry, nit!” again swung the crutch and knocked a sheaf of sparks out of the journalist’s left eye.
Kalachev did not suffer for long moral choice and with all his strength kicked the evil old man right in the center of the neon inscription on his chest, leaving a dirty imprint of a sneaker on him. Then he rushed straight to the road, through the darkness, through the damp thorny bushes. Behind him, the police dragged the last resisters along the ground, the ambulance sirens screeched, the event was slowly coming to an end.
Already in a taxi with a beating heart, he hastily posted his video bomb on the Hyip entertainment portal. Twenty minutes before home along the Moscow Ring Road, Alexander Kalachev became a well-known journalist.
When he was picking the key in the keyhole, he received an SMS: “Alex, this is Irina Struts, Channel One. We want your video with a naked deputy for the Vremya program without the New Planet watermark. Call us and we’ll discuss it.”
The “naked-ass protest” confidently went to the masses. Thousands of views, dozens of reposts from the largest online publications and offers of cooperation from two central channels at once. Much more than you would expect from some forest on the outskirts! Kalachev smiled with satisfaction, went to the window and opened it, letting in the damp night air of the capital. Along with the air, the characteristic metropolitan rumble entered the room, as if the city was actually a space station, and it was about to tear itself off the ground and rise into the black starry sky.
And he, Kalachev, will stand on the command bridge in a white admiral’s uniform and with a telescope in his hand.
However, why is there a telescope in space?
With glass of brandy.
Such dreams imperceptibly led the journalist to the sideboard, from where he took out a bottle of Riga Balsam. He poured himself a glass and, grimacing, drank.
Chapter two
– And the sound is such – bang! I’m so over the ear – vzhuh! The wind blows everything! And then I look – there is such a hole in the shield of the policeman! – Alexander lifted a donut thickly sprinkled with powdered sugar with two fingers and looked at his interlocutor through the hole, but, noticing disbelief on her face, he hastened to add: – Well, almost like that.
Tatyana carefully put the coffee cup on the saucer and, finally, unable to stand it anymore, leaned back in her chair and laughed loudly. She pointedly waved her hand at her interlocutor and, still not laughing, remarked:
– Sasha! Well, you, of course … You should write fantastic books for teenagers.
About battle mages. If at least someone had used a weapon there, they would have raked everyone in and kept them in the department until now.
– Oh, baby, how naive you are! Of course, – he resolutely pushed a strand of hair from his forehead, – a journalist of my level is being hunted by the enemies of democracy all over the world! The cuckoo snipers worked from the trees… More precisely, they could work…
Then Alexander noticed that his companion was again struggling to contain her laughter, and hurried to change the subject:
– But you’re right, it’s all completely unimportant. But to go with you – well, the truth is, it does not work out. You know yourself…
“Well, you won’t get bored in four days,” the girl answered with mock indifference, suddenly becoming interested in the lights of Tverskaya Street outside the window. “But,” she frowned, “it’s still too late to refuse. The plane tickets have already been bought. It’s a tradition, and you’re breaking it…
Tatyana paused expectantly, rhythmically tapping her spoon on the table. Alexander was going to answer for a long time, realizing that any phrase would now be inappropriate. But when he finally took a breath of air and opened his mouth, the awkward pause was interrupted by the ringing clatter of heels behind him.
The waitress put a miniature box with an invoice on the edge of the table and, beaming a duty smile, rapped out:
– Our director asked you to tell you that she was delighted with your driving report about the Mashkinsky forest and our institution is giving you an additional ten percent discount. You are a noble and fearless person!
A golden restaurant card lay on the table next to the box. Tatiana watched the waitress go with a startled look and turned to Alexander:
– What was that now?
– It was a success, baby! – he answered with a calm smile and playfully removed the bangs to the side.
The girl put aside her coffee cup and leaned toward her interlocutor with interest:
– Fearless? Is she talking about your “cuckoos” that shoot from the trees? she asked, raising her eyebrows.
Alexander thoughtfully stirred his coffee with a spoon and slowly answered:
– Yes, there’s not only that… It’s just that these monastery workshops, about which I wrote, are painfully profitable production – casting crosses, and trees…
Kalachev crumpled the napkin into a small ball and threw it on the table. Tatyana rolled her eyes and covered her mouth with her hand.
– Well, I don’t know… Now everything can be… What if they really kill you! They will not figure it out and will slap, like this white-eyed nit-traitor in Kyiv, who lived with the singer.
Alexander made a displeased grimace and waved him away.
– Don’t talk nonsense! Who will kill me? Father George?
– Well, Father Georgy, of course, won’t, he’s… what did you say? Did the whole of Afghanistan go through with your dad? – the girl reminded and shivered. “To be honest, it gives me goosebumps. Reminds me of some character from a horror movie… By the way,” Tatiana perked up, “if the priests really run into you, it will be possible to set Father George on them!” They want to cut the forest, and he will cut them himself, with a chainsaw! And what, it’s easy!
The girl laughed again, apparently vividly imagining this picture. Alexander looked at her for a long time and answered quite seriously:
– He will not nag anyone! Although I myself would not want it to come to Father George. You understand…
But Tatyana was already enthusiastically twirling the gold VIP-card of the restaurant in her hands.
“Look,” she remarked, “what kind of people appreciate you, “noble and fearless”! Do you know who the owner of the restaurant is? Xenia Lancer! Strong woman! Golden Pen of Russia!
Alexander smugly grinned and looked significantly at his companion.
– What is there Lancer! By the way, they called me directly from Channel One, they offered me a permanent job . .. Salary. Work studio.
– So what are you?!
The girl even got up, looking dumbfounded at Alexander. But he only made a disgusted grimace and shook his head:
– He refused, of course, I still have moral principles!
Tatyana disappointedly sank back into her chair and pushed the card back to Alexander with her fingernail.
“Well, he refused in vain,” she snorted with displeasure, “maybe he missed a lot of money. In any case, you now have such stellar friends that I’m no match for you. So pay for dinner yourself.
She waved her hand, calling the waitress, as if ringing an invisible bell. Kalachev pursed his lips. Of course, they called him from Channel One, but they really didn’t offer anything. In any case, he did not understand it. And if offered, he would immediately run to them without hesitation, on any terms. The main thing here is to get hooked. Yes, and money has recently been simply desperately lacking, and for the opportunity to live like a human being and not count a penny, he was ready to work at least for the State Department, at least for the Russian Orthodox Church, at least for ISIS, so long as they don’t pull with an advance payment. He sighed heavily and used one of his looks, theoretically designed to soften girls’ hearts.
– Honey, we agreed. Why repeat a hundred times? We live in the modern world! I invested all my money in crypto for a week. The currency is now especially promising, the chart is rushing up, in five days I will withdraw three times more than I invested! I will return everything to you, and there will be more!
But his magic apparently no longer worked on Tatyana. Without looking up from studying the account, she gloomily answered:
– Now you can tell the waitress about the prospects for cryptocurrencies and the rise of the chart. And don’t try to hypnotize me, Nastya Vorobyova gave you up with giblets. Orest Nikolaevich complained to her that you asked him for another hundred thousand in debt.
– I asked, – Kalachev lowered his head dutifully. – But this is a bitch-life! You know about my situation, I’m in bondage!
“Yeah,” Tatiana smiled grimly, taking a card from her purse and handing it to the imperturbably smiling waitress, “in sexual slavery. Nothing, work at night.
Alexander immediately discarded his mournful air and said in a businesslike tone:
– Then buy two packs of cigarillos as an advance. Oh, and one more thing, I almost forgot: remind me about tomorrow’s editorial board. Fadeev asked not to be late. Maybe he will throw some worthy order. Kalachev leaned back in his chair and winked at his companion with a smile. – I will receive a fee, I will redeem myself from sexual slavery and I will love you selflessly. And insatiable.
Tatyana put a couple of tip notes into the box, slammed the lid and looked slyly at Kalachev.
– Will you buy it? And for how long? Or will you come back in a week to give up? Okay,” she softened, “since I’m insatiable, I’ll remind you.
At that moment, her smartphone reminded of itself, buzzing like an angry Maybug in a matchbox. The girl clicked her fingernail on the screen and raised her eyebrows in displeasure:
– Damn it! I have a plane and a meeting with Poretsky, and I also need to wash my hair and get ready . .. – She hastily stuffed her phone and wallet into her purse, almost breaking her nail in a hurry. – Crap! Okay, kiss! Good luck tomorrow, although it is a pity that you are not flying with us, that’s it, I have to go.
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(49 ratings)
Ivan Okhlobystin
On this page you can read the online book “The Smell of Violet” by Ivan Okhlobystin. This book has an age limit of 16+, belongs to the genre “Modern Russian Literature”. The work touches on such topics as “phantasmagoria”, “modern Russia”. The book “The Smell of Violet” was written in 2018 and published in 2019. Enjoy reading!
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MyBook: Stories
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His music can be found on their “Traumazine” [Watch] – “Tina Snow II” [Watch] – “Birds of Prey: The Album” [Watch] – “Suga” [Watch] –
– M .: Nauka, 1968 (Literary monuments)
6399994 0 0 615.6000061 0 0 cm