Emotional intelligence teenager: Teaching Emotional Intelligence to Teens and Students

6 ways to boost your teen’s emotional intelligence

In high school, academics take center stage and it’s easy to forget that teens need to continue to grow and develop their emotional intelligence, too. Teens with a high degree of emotional intelligence are better able to control their emotions and behavior when things don’t go their way. This in turn makes them happier, more self-confident, and more respectful of others. Not surprisingly, students with a high EQ (or emotional quotient) tend to do better in school. They pay attention, take in information, stay motivated, and get along with teachers and classmates. Nurture your teen’s emotional development with these conversation starters and games about feelings and empathy.

1. Ask your teen “What would you do if …?”

   On family car rides or at the dinner table, the “What would you do if …?” game gets your teen thinking about ways to respond to different situations. Ask questions that encourage them to behave with more emotional smarts: “What would you do if you saw someone being bullied at school? Or if I blamed you for something you didn’t do?” Asking these kinds of questions when emotions aren’t running high gives your child a chance to come up with ideas on how to best respond — and for you to offer some ideas of your own.

2. That’s emo-tainment!

   Books and movies present ideal opportunities to talk with teens about emotions and behavior. If you and your teen have read the same book — for example, The Hunger Games — use these fictional characters to have a conversation. Talk about a character’s motives and intentions. Ask your child, “What do you think he’s feeling?” and “Why do you think he did that?”

   Similarly, after watching a movie together, ask your child why someone was angry, frustrated, sad, or excited. These conversations help kids get used to thinking and talking about why people behave the way they do and how they might have responded differently. Talking about fictional characters makes it that much easier for teens to be emotionally fluent when discussing their own emotions — which is the whole idea.

3. Anger management

   Not only can you use stories as a launching pad to discuss feelings, you can get books that address feelings directly. For preadolescents and teens, anger is one of the most difficult emotions of all. A great book to help them understand — and tame — unruly emotions is Hot Stones and Funny Bones: Teens Helping Teens Cope With Stress and Anger. Teenagers talk about their own ways to gain self-esteem, handle stress, and deal with anger. Read it together, or just hand it to your child to learn helpful tips on coping with the emotional roller coaster of the preteen and teen years.

   There’s also Hot Stuff to Chill Out: The Anger Management Book. Among other tips, kids will learn to smile for a few seconds when they feel angry. It works! They can’t help but feel better.

4. “Sounds like …”

   San Francisco-based social skills expert Dominique Baudry says charades is the perfect game for families to learn about and safely express a range of emotions. To play charades: A person draws a slip of paper from a container and silently reads the word written there. Then he or she acts it out for others to guess what it is. You can play in teams — a team wins when one person guesses correctly in a set amount of time.

   “It works because anything that removes language and looks at facial and body language helps teach about emotions,” says Baudry. “Make up your own categories. Things at a birthday party. Things you can do with your mouth. Animals. Sports.” Your imagination is the limit.

5. Give everyone a second chance

   Admit it. When parents — and kids — get angry enough, they yell. Angry outbursts make everyone in the family feel terrible and usually solve nothing. Childhood communication and social skills coach Ellen Pritchard Dodge recommends that all family members should be allowed a chance to do it over when they lose their cool.

   “Anyone in the family is allowed to say, ‘That came out really mean. I’m going to do a do-over. Here’s what I wanted to say.’” Pritchard Dodge explains that do-overs allow kids and grown-ups a way to gain more self-awareness by practicing less hurtful ways of expressing difficult emotions. “Allowing for do-overs let the whole family help one another try again in a kinder, better way,” she says. “It’s also a very kind way to cut each other some slack.”

6. Play the “Maybe” game

   Understanding why others behave the way they do — or empathy — is an essential EQ skill. To practice your empathy skills, play the “Maybe” game. See someone flare up with a bad case of road rage? Everyone in the car can have a shot at guessing why that person is feeling so badly. “Maybe she is late for work. ” “Maybe her doctor called and had really bad news.” “Maybe she’s an extraterrestrial and can’t stand the way earthlings drive.” It doesn’t have to be serious. Sometimes talking and learning about emotions can — and should — be fun!

   And when someone in the house is cranky, the “Maybe” game works wonders for figuring out the reason behind negative behaviors. “Maybe you’re so mad about your homework because you need something to eat first.” “Maybe you’re yelling because I didn’t clean up the dishes when you asked. ”

How to Foster Emotional Intelligence in Kids & Teens

Raising a teen who has a hard time feeling empathy, who has a hard time understanding someone else’s emotional experience, or who is prone to extreme emotional outbursts can be tough on the entire family. The good news is that empathy and self-management can be cultivated by helping your child foster emotional intelligence skills.

What is emotional intelligence (EI), and why does it matter? 

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand your own emotions and the emotions of others. It’s also the ability to manage and apply your emotions to everyday life. Just like your IQ can predict how well you will do on tests, your emotional intelligence (also called your EQ) can predict how well you will do in social situations. EI is what you need to keep your relationships alive and make new ones down the road. 

You may have heard that IQ is what determines your intelligence. Yes, your IQ will tell you how you will do academically. While it is very important to be book smart, it helps if you are emotionally smart as well

Getting good grades and reading books written by the smartest people may help you in school, but being people-smart will help you build success in your relationships . . . and at work. Studies show that individuals with high EI are more likely to get hired, promoted, and earn higher salaries.

That part might get your teen’s attention.

Fostering emotional intelligence during the teen years will allow your child to recognize and use their emotions to guide them as an adult.

Drawing on the work of psychologist Daniel Goldman, here are four of the main pillars of EI and how to foster it in your teen. 

Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is basically knowing your strengths and weaknesses and how your behavior affects others. Helping your teen become self-aware will benefit them now and throughout life. Self-awareness helps your teen to identify and correct errors and leads to greater resilience. Other benefits of self-awareness include:

• Better listening and overall communication skills
• Critical thinking and problem-solving skills
• Cultivating a growth mindset
• Stronger leadership skills

Emotional self-awareness will help your teen to manage their emotions and recognize the emotions of others—which is very helpful when seeking to create meaningful connection. For example, recognizing how you feel when you are sad will enable you to more easily notice others’ sadness. By acknowledging the emotions of other people, they may turn to you for comfort when they most need it.

Teach your teen that while emotions can feel BIG; all emotions are not the same. An emotion may last a few seconds while others last long enough to determine if you are happy or sad. No matter how long an emotion lasts, remind your teen that recognizing it is the first step toward being emotionally intelligent.  

Self-Management

Emotions are tricky but also transitory. We are constantly feeling little ups and little downs throughout the day. It is healthy to express any emotion you are feeling. However, it’s important to know how to manage your emotions so that they are in the passenger seat and not the main driver. While we aren’t going to be able to control what emotions arise and when they do, we can learn to manage them. 

Emotional intelligence teaches you how to manage your emotions in order to avoid hurtful or inappropriate behavior. Consider this scenario: You and your family are out to dinner with a relative you do not get along with. It might be relatively easy for you to explode with anger if this relative begins to criticize you.

However, self-control is about learning how to breathe through your emotions. Since you are in a public place, it would not be best to yell at this relative. You are also with your children, so you do not want to embarrass or upset them. In this situation, it is probably wise to either ask to change the subject or not talk at all.

When it comes to teaching your teen self-management skills, it’s helpful first to model it. Here are some ways:

When you feel like your emotions are spinning out of control, or you become overwhelmed by a big emotion such as anger, pause and take a deep breath to reset. Then, share your feelings with a trusted friend. Afterwards, openly state (in front of your teen) how those actions (hopefully) helped you to calm down.

Allow yourself time to process and choose how you wish to respond after hearing about that thing your child did that you explicitly asked him not to do. When that happens in my home, I often say, “I am feeling very frustrated right now, so we are going to discuss this a little bit later when I feel calmer.” 

Consistently demonstrate the ways in which you decompress from a tough work day or week: journaling, listening to music, taking a ten-minute walk around the neighborhood.

Empathy & Understanding

Another way of being emotionally intelligent is knowing how someone would feel in a certain situation and understanding why they feel what they do. For example, if you offer your friend a snack only for them to quickly refuse, seeing their uncomfortable facial expressions and body language should tell you not to pressure them.

Imagining what a person could be feeling at any given time and taking into consideration their feelings and point of view is called empathy. 

The skill of empathy helps us to know what the appropriate thing is to say or how to behave toward someone who is showing intense emotions. 

In addition, empathy also helps to cultivate an awareness and appreciation of difference. In today’s diverse world, empathetic youth become emotionally intelligent leaders who are able to build culturally and generationally diverse teams with unique experiences and perspectives. Empathy is an essential part of welcoming various strengths and leveraging those strengths towards creative problem solving.  

When teens develop empathy, they are better able to understand and relate to themselves and others.

Relationship Management

Let’s face it, people are going to annoy or disappoint us. Even those we like or love. Emotional intelligence is a skill your teen can use in any social situation. Recognizing, understanding, and using your emotions can make a difference in maintaining relationships with anyone you meet. 

Listen to your instincts if you feel like what you are about to say is not wise in the given moment. If a friend or loved one is hurting, be able to provide comfort and love. When your teen reaches adulthood, it will be easier for them not to just recognize their own emotions, but also the emotions of those around them.

Teach your teen to know when it is best to talk about something that may be hard for the other person to hear as well as where and how. If they see that their friend is feeling sad, that is not the time to brag about how good their day is going. As the teens I counsel often say, “Read the room!” 

Instead, a better option would be for a teen to speak to that person in a gentle voice and let the other person know they are available to talk.

Conflict is a part of life. A useful communication strategy to teach your teen is to make “I” statements. When we are agitated or feeling hurt, “You” statements tend to flow more naturally and quickly.  However, “You” statements imply that the other person is solely responsible for your feelings. It can also trigger defensiveness.

“I” statements, on the other hand, enables a person to take responsibility for how they feel but also what they need. Such statements require that a person has a level of understanding of their own needs (as we discussed in the self-awareness section) and then helps that person to make a request. 

You can teach your teen this tool by utilizing this helpful sentence stem: 

“I feel ___________ (identify the emotion) when ___________ (identify the cause of the emotion). ”

For example, “I feel frustrated when you say you are going to do something and then something seems to come up at the last minute.” 

By identifying the cause of the big feeling, your teen will have a better idea of what can be done to resolve the issue or make them feel better.

Then add the request by identifying the specific action you would like to have happen:

I need/want/prefer __________.  Would you _________?

For example, “I would prefer if you can let me know if something comes up in advance so I’m not left waiting and wondering if you will show up. Would you do that?”

While there is no guarantee that the other person will always respond positively or seek to meet your request, using this tool will increase the likelihood that your thoughts and feelings will be heard. 

Just a brief word of caution. This tool is particularly useful in mutually trustworthy relationships. It’s not always appropriate where there is a steep power dynamic, such as if your teen is communicating with his or her manager or if the other person is a consistently unsafe or uncaring person.  

Features of emotional intelligence of adolescents. The idea of ​​emotional intelligence

In relation to the external environment, a person encounters the need to understand the feelings of other people. The success of a person is undoubtedly associated with knowledge, skills, erudition and the ability to think in general, that is, with the level of general intelligence. However, in most cases, a high level of general intelligence is not enough. The idea of ​​emotional intelligence was a consequence of the development of ideas about social intelligence, the main reason for distinguishing which as an independent ability or trait was the frequent discrepancy between the level of general intelligence and the success of the individual in interaction with the social environment [1].

The answer to a practical request was the concept of emotional intelligence, which is actively developing within the framework of modern psychology.

Previously, the intellectual side of a person’s life was opposed to the emotional component of the personality. It is now recognized that emotion, as a special type of knowledge, can enable a person to successfully adapt to environmental conditions and correlates with the category of intellect. Emotions and intellect are able to unite in their practical orientation. This integration is necessary for the harmonious development of the individual.

The theory of emotional-intellectual abilities of J. Mayer, P. Salovey, D. Caruso, the theory of emotional competence of D. Goleman, non-cognitive theory of emotional intelligence of R. Bar-On represent interesting solutions to many theoretical and practical problems of emotional intelligence. G.G. Garskova, I.N. Andreeva, D.V. Lyusin, E.L. Nosenko, N.V. Kovriga, O.I. Vlasova, G.V. Yusupova, M.A. Manoilova, T.P. Berezovskaya, A.P. Lobanov, A.S. Petrovskaya and other scientists are working on the problem of emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence has become the subject of psychological research relatively recently. The first work devoted to its study is dated 1990. Its authors P. Salovey and D. Mayer define emotional intelligence as a group of mental abilities that contribute to awareness and understanding of one’s own emotions and the emotions of others [2]. D. Goleman continued to consider emotional intelligence and defined it as an important component of leadership abilities and considered emotional intelligence, first of all, as a social ability. This issue was studied in more detail and effectively by R. Bar-On. The author proposes to define emotional intelligence as all non-cognitive abilities, knowledge and competence that enable a person to successfully cope with various life situations.

Yes, V.D. Lusin, considers this category as a set of cognitive abilities “to understand and manage emotions, both one’s own and those of others.” The author emphasizes that it is better to interpret emotional intelligence as a cognitive ability and not include personality traits that may contribute to a better or worse understanding of emotions, but at the same time are not its components.

The concept of emotional intelligence owes its popularity to the work of D. Goleman, who published the monograph “Emotional Intelligence” in 1995.

The problem of emotional intelligence in adolescence is insufficiently covered in modern research. The vast majority of research highlights the problem of emotional intelligence in adults. However, in adolescence, there are significant changes in the intellectual, emotional and motivational spheres of the personality, which require adequate psychological support, correction and purposeful development.

Adolescence has a number of specific features. We list those that are associated with the development of the emotional-volitional sphere of the personality: the emergence of reflection leading to the development of introspection, the emergence of a special interest in one’s experiences, dissatisfaction with the outside world, withdrawal into oneself, the emergence of a sense of exclusivity, the desire for self-affirmation, opposing oneself to others, increasing the number of conflicts with them.

A teenager’s discovery of his inner world is accompanied by joy and excitement, but creates a lot of disturbing experiences. Together with the awareness of one’s uniqueness, originality, unlikeness to others, a feeling of loneliness comes to the place of joy. The teenage self is still indefinite, and it is often experienced as restlessness or a feeling of inner emptiness that one wants to fill with something. Therefore, one can observe an increase in the need for communication and, at the same time, an increase in its selectivity and the need for solitude.

The emotional sphere of a teenager is undergoing significant changes, in general, it can be characterized as labile, unstable. It is difficult for a teenager to process his emotions, he often does not understand what is happening to him.

The issues of the structure of emotional intelligence of adolescents in the context of social situations are reflected in the works of L. D. Kamyshnikova. The author revealed that the ability to understand and manage emotions is a factor of personality adaptability. Successful resolution of various situations provides a socially adaptive function of emotional intelligence. In addition, L.D. Kamyshnikova focuses on the fact that the manifestation of emotional intelligence in various social situations is associated with their frequency of occurrence, value and prototypicality [3].

In his research I.I. Vetrova studied the development of behavior control, coping and psychological defenses in adolescence. According to the analysis of the results of the study, in the context of emotional intelligence, behavior control as a phenomenon of self-regulation, based on the resources of individuality (cognitive, emotional, volitional abilities) and their integrativity, creates an individual pattern of self-regulation. I.I. Vetrova points out that within the framework of emotional intelligence there is an inseparability of behavior control, coping and psychological defenses.

Also Yu.V. Davydova studied the essential features, structure and characteristics of emotional intelligence in adolescence and found that emotional intelligence in adolescence is a stable heterogeneous category, the functions of which are to ensure the success of activities, optimize and harmonize the processes of intrapersonal and interpersonal interaction. The author notes that the development of emotional intelligence and its essential features is quantitative: by the older adolescence, more children demonstrate a high ability to recognize the emotions of other people and show empathy [2, p.114].

Consider the sex and gender characteristics of the manifestation of emotional intelligence in adolescents. A number of researchers I.N. Andreeva, A.A. Aleksandrova, Yu.V. Davydova in their works point to gender differences in the severity of emotional intelligence components in adolescents. The authors are unanimous in their opinion that boys, in comparison with girls, have a lower level of emotional intelligence in general. According to I.N. Andreeva, in girls, the general level of emotional intelligence is associated primarily with the cognitive processes of understanding and understanding emotions, and in boys, to a greater extent with the quality of interpersonal relationships [4].

In adolescence, differences in various indicators of emotional intelligence are most pronounced. According to A.A. Alexandrova, teenagers aged 12-13 have a low level of emotional intelligence and a high level of empathy. This may indicate the inability of most adolescents aged 12-13 to express their feelings, to associate non-verbal or gestural symbols with feelings. Moreover, girls have a more pronounced ability to empathize with another person, to feel what another feels, to experience the same emotional states, to identify themselves with others. A greater variety of ways of expressing emotions in girls may be due to the fact that in girls the ability to verbalize emotions develops earlier and is formed faster than in boys [3, p. 618].

A higher level of development of girls’ emotional intelligence is due to the fact that the signs of emotional intelligence that load the “understanding of emotions” factor (emotional awareness, empathy and recognition of other people’s emotions) are higher in girls than in boys. The results obtained can be explained by the fact that the noted signs of emotional intelligence, being socially determined, in our society are more associated with the manifestation of women’s social roles. Girls learn earlier and more about their emotions and feelings and the feelings of other people, and also, following the maternal instinct, from childhood develop the ability for empathy, empathy, sympathy – those qualities that are considered primordially feminine. This difference persists throughout adolescence [1, p.92].

Yu.V. Davydova obtained data on the ability of adolescents to manage their emotions. In adolescence, in general, there is a limited ability of children to high volitional stresses, a lack of endurance and self-control, which is expressed in incontinence, impatience, harshness. The results of the study revealed that boys have a lower development of the ability to manage their emotional states compared to girls.

In the studies of V.A. Kulganova, N.N. Samuylova revealed that girls are trying to control their own manifestations of aggression and guilt, which is not typical for boys. This proves, according to the authors, that girls especially try to protect themselves from aggressive manifestations, while boys at the same time do not seek to cope with aggression and feelings associated with guilt.

It was also found that by controlling external expression, girls do not control anxiety and do not improve their communication skills, but only restrain anger, anger and irritation. The authors believe that women have a ban on the expression of anger, and in this regard, in order to demonstrate socially acceptable behavior, it is enough for girls to control the external manifestations of their negative emotions.

Thus, the analysis of psychological and pedagogical literature shows that adolescence is sensitive to environmental influences, since it is during this period that the personality as a subject is actively formed. Emotional intelligence does not develop during adolescence without special training. During correctional and developmental work, it is necessary to pay special attention to the group of signs of emotional intelligence that form the “understanding of emotions” factor. Studies show that these signs lend themselves well to external influence and are based on the process of concept formation, the mastery of which children begin precisely in adolescence. The study of the characteristics of the emotional intelligence of adolescents will make it possible to understand and create the prerequisites for minimizing maladaptive forms of adolescent behavior and use the data obtained to prevent maladaptation of the younger generation as a whole.

Literature:

1. Davydova Yu.V. Peculiarities of emotional intelligence of adolescents// Bulletin of the Peoples’ Friendship University of Russia. – Series: Psychology and Pedagogy. – 2012. -№2. – S. 92-100
2. Davydova Yu.V. Gender aspect of studying the emotional intelligence of adolescents// Bulletin of the Peoples’ Friendship University of Russia. – Series: Psychology and Pedagogy. – 2010. -№4. – pp. 113-118
3. Aleksandrova. A.A. Gender aspect in the study of emotional intelligence in adolescents / A.A. Aleksandrova, T.V. Gudkova // Young scientist. -2013. -#5. -WITH. 617-622
4. Lyusin, D.V. Modern ideas about emotional intelligence / Ed. A.V. Lyusina, D.V. Ushakova// Social intelligence: Theory, measurement, research. -M:. Institute of Psychology RAS. 2014,- p.29-36

How to develop emotional intelligence | RBC Trends

Each emotion can become a resource for achieving a goal, so the development of emotional intelligence is an important component of success, psychologist Viktoria Shimanskaya is sure

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand emotions, feelings and experiences – one’s own and others. It allows you to make the whole range of emotions your assistant to achieve goals and complete any tasks.

We rarely think about what causes irritation, joy or anger. A person with a developed emotional intelligence can read these signals and reacts not to actions and emotions, but to the reasons behind them. Even the strongest experiences do not obscure the eyes of such a person.

Who needs to develop emotional intelligence?

Today the world is changing very quickly: to achieve success it is no longer enough to be a specialist in any one field of knowledge or to receive one diploma of higher education. Therefore, it is more important than ever to develop the so-called soft skills, among which are those that can be classified as emotional intelligence. This is true for people of all ages, but especially for teenagers.

Adolescence is a time when there is an active process of building external communications. If until this moment the world of the child was sufficiently defined, and almost all problems were solved by adults, then in adolescence a person enters a new stage of communication and socialization. He himself begins to make decisions: with whom to communicate and who to be, for the first time difficult life situations arise.

Therefore, it is necessary to help a teenager develop several aspects at the same time, namely, an understanding of his goals, intentions, experiences and the ability to build communication with peers, parents and other adults. This is facilitated by a well-developed emotional intelligence.

How to develop emotional intelligence?

It is important to understand that the work on emotional intelligence also awaits the parents of teenagers. In puberty, hormonal changes take place, as a result of which children become very difficult to communicate: it seems that adolescents do not hear adults at all, and there is almost no talk of transferring experience. This will require a developed emotional intelligence of the parents themselves.

Most importantly, don’t forget that a teenager’s intentions are always positive, no matter what negative actions they manifest. The wisdom of parents at this moment should be to not react to abrupt and sometimes inadequate actions, but to try to understand the intentions, as well as reconsider the requirements for a teenager.

Parental assistance will consist of doing tasks together with the child to develop emotional intelligence. Here are a few practices that I recommend. Have your teen complete them. By the way, these practices have no age restrictions: for many adults, they will be no less useful.

About understanding yourself

Exercise “Mood Square”

Reading the mood in which the interlocutor is, allows you to assess the prospects for communication and quickly choose an approach. Below is a diagram that will clearly show why it is sometimes so difficult to establish communication and agree on something.

Photo: from the book “Communication” by Victoria Shimanskaya

This is the square of emotions or moods. Mood can be determined by two criteria. Pleasure is an emotional component. Energy is physical. Try to assess your energy level and emotional level now. What sector are you in?

By the way, a person can act effectively in any of the four states, examples of suitable activities for each are inside the colored squares.

Gradually, you can learn to recognize in which mood sector the interlocutor is, and then communication will become easier.

About communication with peers

Exercise “Don’t be offended!”

When someone says offensive words or tries to offend, it is important to remember that all nicknames, “name names” have nothing to do with reality. From being called an elephant, ears or a trunk will not grow. This is just a “distorting mirror”, which you can always walk past, ignoring the strange image. Ignoring is another way not to be offended and not to “feed” the offender with your reaction. To make it easier, you need to ask yourself the question: “Does the opinion of the person who says this really matter to me?” After that, step back completely.

Photo: from the book “Communication” by Victoria Shimanskaya

The associative chain helps to switch to the ignore mode. Look around you. What do you see? For example, you see a table, a chair, a wardrobe. Zero emotions. And you continue – offender. Table-chair-closet-offender – no emotions. And you can also imagine the offender in some funny or stupid situation, so that it simply did not work out to be angry with him. You really have to try not to laugh.

Communication with parents

Words often cause a negative reaction only because of their coloring, although their meaning is neutral or even positive. The most striking reaction is usually to the word “should”: “you must study”, “must clean the room”, “must walk the dog”, “must listen to what you are told.”

To tell you the truth, no one owes anything to anyone. You are nobody, but you are nobody and nothing. Realizing this helps to take a fresh look at many things. Here’s how to decipher a few common parenting lines.