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Teachers, Trans Kids Are Clashing Over Whose Rights Come First

Aidyn Sucec remembers how much better he felt toward the end of eighth grade when, after years of struggling with his identity, he told his family he was transgender. It was the spring of 2017, and Aidyn’s anxiety and depression began to lift as people embraced the teenager as “him.”

“My family and friends began to recognize me as who I am,” Aidyn, who’s now 16, said in court documents.

Before Aidyn, who was designated female at birth, started at Brownsburg High School in Brownsburg, Indiana that fall, his mother, Laura Sucec, worked with school officials to make sure his new name and gender would be logged into Brownsburg’s database. She wanted to be sure teachers knew him as Aidyn and didn’t use his former name—his “dead name”—when addressing him.

The school was quick to accommodate Aidyn, and with input from Sucec and other parents, it soon allowed all trans students to use bathrooms, names and pronouns aligned with their gender identity. But that change, which was meant to protect the students, was a problem for Aidyn’s orchestra teacher, John Kluge. Kluge, 29, believes “it is sinful to promote transgender behavior,” according to a federal lawsuit he filed in June that accuses the Brownsburg Community School Corporation (BCSC) of forcing him to resign because of his beliefs. The BCSC policies do not specifically mention bathroom use or names for trans students, but Sucec and Kluge say those changes were made during the summer of 2017.

The case is one of at least three pending against public schools in three states—Indiana, Virginia, and Ohio—by teachers who say they were disciplined for refusing to use the preferred names or pronouns of transgender students. But beyond arguing over names and pronouns, the lawsuits raise the question of whose rights take precedence when transgender students’ demands for recognition and respect clash with teachers’ personal beliefs. All of the teachers say they were forced to choose between keeping their jobs or acting in a way that conflicted with their religious views.

The lawsuits come in the midst of heated national battles over LGBTQ rights, which the Trump Administration has sought to curtail. In two closely watched cases before the U.S. Supreme Court, the justices in October heard arguments about whether employers have the right to fire gay and transgender people because of their sexual orientation and gender identity, or if a federal law prohibiting sex discrimination in the workplace protects the employees. The Trump Administration has filed briefs in support of the employers in those cases. It has also sought to roll back Obama-era protections for trans students and medical patients, banned trans people from serving in the military, and supported the rights of certain businesses to refuse service to gay people due to religious objections to same-sex marriage. Such actions stand in contrast to recent public opinion polling by Gallup, which shows that most Americans believe trans people should be allowed to serve openly in the military, and that gay and lesbian people should have equal access to job opportunities and the same rights as heterosexual married couples to adopt children.

John Kluge, a former orchestra teacher at Brownsburg High School, says he was forced to resign after refusing to use trans students’ names, citing his religious beliefs.

Courtesy of John Kluge

The Alliance Defending Freedom (ADF), a Christian legal group known for bringing religious-freedom cases to advance conservative causes, is providing legal support to the teachers in all three lawsuits. The ADF also defended Jack Phillips, a Colorado baker who cited his Christian beliefs in refusing to bake a wedding cake for a same-sex couple in 2012; Phillips won a partial U.S. Supreme Court victory last year when the justices ruled that Colorado’s Civil Rights Commission had shown religious bias in sanctioning Phillips.

“This isn’t just about a pronoun, it’s about what that pronoun means,” Tyson Langhofer, senior counsel for the ADF, says of the school lawsuits. “No one should be forced to contradict their core beliefs just to keep a job.”

Aidyn and his mother agree with Langhofer on one thing: that it’s not just about a pronoun. To them, it’s about much more.

“When anybody denies your child their personhood, their identity, denies them that supportive environment, they’re actively harming your child,” says Laura Sucec.

“I spent an hour a day for 180 days with Mr. Kluge, watching as he avoided me and other transgender students. Mr. Kluge’s behavior made me feel alienated, upset, and dehumanized,” Aidyn, who played the violin in Kluge’s orchestra, wrote in a legal declaration in August. “It made me dread going to orchestra class each day.”

While Kluge temporarily received a religious accommodation from the school district and started calling all students by their last names only, in an effort to avoid first names, Aidyn said other kids noticed Kluge’s refusal to acknowledge his gender. “At one point, my stand partner asked me why Mr. Kluge wouldn’t just say my name,” he wrote. “I felt forced to tell him that it was because I’m transgender.”

***

An estimated 150,000 teens, ages 13 to 17, identify as transgender in the United States—0. 7%, the highest percentage of any age group—according to a 2017 study released by the Williams Institute at the University of California, Los Angeles, School of Law. As the number of trans students in K-12 schools grows, LGBTQ advocates are calling on schools to better support a population that is already more vulnerable than most kids to harassment, bullying and violence. Seventy five percent of trans students feel unsafe at school, according to a 2015 survey conducted by GLSEN, an organization that advocates for LGBTQ rights in schools. Half of the trans students surveyed said they were prevented from using names or pronouns that align with their gender identity, and 65% said they had been verbally harassed at school. A quarter of trans students said they’d been physically harassed at school, and 12% said they’d been physically assaulted.

Similarly, a survey of trans adults found that 24% said they were verbally, physically or sexually harassed in college, and 16% of those who experienced harassment said they left college because of it, according to the 2015 U. S. Transgender Survey conducted by the National Center for Transgender Equality.

There remains a patchwork of policies for trans students in school districts across the country. Some states have issued guidelines to schools, but policies differ from one district to the next.

When Sucec approached the Brownsburg district about changing Aidyn’s name and gender in the school database, for instance, she learned it had no policy for accommodating trans students, even though Aidyn was not the first. Sucec says she and other parents advised school officials as they made accommodations for trans students.

This lack of clarity has sparked several court battles, usually involving students demanding the right to use the bathroom that aligns with their gender identity.

In 2008, trans actress Nicole Maines—identified in court documents at the time as Susan Doe—sued her Maine school district when it denied her permission to use the girls’ bathroom at her elementary school. The case ended up in the state Supreme Court, which ruled in Maines’ favor in 2014. It was the first time a state had declared it unlawful for a school to deny a transgender student access to the bathroom that aligns with their gender identity, but it hasn’t stopped states from trying.

Gavin Grimm on his front porch at his home in Gloucester, Virginia on Aug. 25, 2019. A U.S. appeals court overturned a policy barring the transgender student from using the boys’ restrooms at his Virginia high school.

Steve Helber—AP

In 2017, a Pennsylvania school district settled with three transgender teens who had sued after being denied access to the bathrooms that match their identity. As part of the settlement, the school board directed all district schools to end bathroom restrictions for trans students. Last year, a federal judge in Florida ruled in favor of 17-year-old Drew Adams, who had sued his school for the right to use the boys’ bathroom. “Now I can finally be like any other kid at my school, any other boy,” Adams, who has openly identified as male since 2015, said in an interview with local news in 2018. The St. Johns County School Board has appealed the ruling to a federal appeals court. In August, a nearly five-year battle waged by Gavin Grimm of Virginia finally ended when a federal judge ruled that his school had discriminated against Grimm, a transgender male student, when it denied him access to the boys’ bathroom when he was 15.

But schools also face obstacles when they attempt to accommodate transgender students. In October, a Georgia school district that had adopted a transgender-friendly bathroom policy — in line with the ruling in Adams’ case — reversed the decision in the face of death threats, vandalism and other forms of harassment.

Though many of the most high-profile cases involving the rights of trans students have taken place at the K-12 level, tensions arise in higher education as well. There are an estimated 139,000 trans college students in the U.S., Reuters reported in August. And polling shows younger generations are more familiar with people who are transgender or nonbinary. More than a third of Gen Zers (born after 1996) say they personally know someone who uses gender-neutral pronouns, according to a Pew Research Center report published this year. The American Society of Plastic Surgeons says gender confirmation surgeries in the U.S. have nearly tripled in recent years, from 3,200 in 2016 to 9,576 in 2018. But many colleges still lack gender-neutral bathrooms and housing or non-discrimination policies that protect trans students. In August, a mental health study published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine found that transgender, gender nonconforming and nonbinary college students are two to four times more likely to experience mental health problems than their peers. The lead author of the study, Boston University School of Public Health assistant professor Sarah Ketchen Lipson, concluded, “there has never been a more important time for colleges and universities to take action to protect and support trans, genderqueer, and nonbinary students on campus. ”

But the lawsuits from Kluge and other teachers concern challenges whose solutions aren’t as simple as changing signage on bathroom doors, or switching names in a database.

LGBTQ advocates and mental health experts say the evidence is clear: transgender students do better when they’re not made to feel awkward or isolated from their classmates. “The overwhelming body of evidence about every single student in every classroom in this country is that when you treat a student with respect, when you pronounce their name correctly, when you use the right name, when you refer to them in terms that are appropriate to who they are—no matter who that student is—they do better,” says Eliza Byard, executive director of GLSEN. “They feel like they belong in their classroom, they are more likely to listen to you as an educator, and they have the simple ability to participate fully in school life.”

But attorneys on the opposite side say tolerance should be a “two-way street” and schools’ actions amount to a “heckler’s veto” of religious and free-speech rights. Many conservative Christians argue that gender is determined at birth as either male or female and “it cannot be changed,” per Kluge’s lawsuit.

“We see a growing hostility in the culture to religious liberty, and so this is another example of that. And we want to fight those examples hard with all the tools we have,” says Curt Smith, chairman of the conservative Indiana Family Institute, which is supporting Kluge’s lawsuit. “The larger goal is to have the government realize it cannot coerce speech.”

***

From an early age, Aidyn Sucec said he struggled with his identity, “knowing that there was something different about me.” He’d been treated for depression and anxiety since second grade, but it wasn’t until he turned 14 and came out as transgender that Aidyn said his mental and emotional health improved. He changed his name to Aidyn on his birth certificate and social security card, and friends and relatives accepted his new identity.

“My family and friends refer to me as Aidyn,” he said in his legal declaration. “Indeed, everybody in my life now refers to me as Aidyn.”

But that wasn’t the case in Kluge’s orchestra class.

When Kluge, who had been teaching at Brownsburg since 2014, first raised religious objections with the Brownsburg superintendent to the school’s transgender-friendly policies, his lawsuit says he was given an “ultimatum.” He could use students’ transgender names, resign or be fired. Kluge suggested he be allowed to address all students by their last names only, as an athletic coach would, and the district approved. But five months later, the lawsuit says, officials told him that the plan was creating tension in the classroom and later said some students “were offended by his use of last names.”

Kluge’s beliefs were clear to Aidyn. Throughout the year, Aidyn said Kluge refused to use his name. Instead, he said Kluge would nod or wave at him in class to get his attention, or call him by his surname. When Kluge was out one day, Aidyn said the substitute teacher referred to him in front of the entire class by his former “dead name,” something Aidyn described as “intensely humiliating and traumatizing. ”

The school principal, Bret Daghe, told Kluge he had until the end of the school year, May 2018, to resign. (Daghe did not respond to a request for comment.) According to the lawsuit, Kluge submitted a “conditional” letter of resignation on April 30, 2018, then changed his mind and sent a letter on May 25 rescinding his resignation. But Kluge says that same day, the school locked him out of buildings and internet access and posted his job.

The mandate that Kluge use trans students’ names and pronouns “left Mr. Kluge with an untenable choice of maintaining his employment while violating his sincerely-held religious beliefs on an almost daily basis, or losing his employment—the chief financial means of support for his family,” his lawsuit said. At the time he lost his job, Kluge was earning a salary of $46,250, plus an additional stipend of $5,200 a year for being the school’s music director.

(The Brownsburg Community School Corporation and the individual defendants, who have asked the court to dismiss Kluge’s case, declined to comment on pending litigation. )

High school teacher Peter Vlaming chats at a West Point School Board hearing in West Point, Virginia on Dec. 6, 2018.

Shelby Lum—AP

In Virginia, high school French teacher Peter Vlaming similarly accused the West Point School Board of violating his rights to free speech and free exercise of religion under state law, when he was fired in December 2018 for refusing to use male pronouns when referring to a trans male student. “He wasn’t fired for something he said. He was fired for what he didn’t say,” his lawsuit filed on Sept. 30 says.

According to Vlaming, he’d agreed to use the student’s preferred first name in class but refused to use male pronouns and was accused of using female pronouns in the student’s absence. In one incident, the lawsuit said, he slipped up and called out, “Don’t let her hit the wall!” during a class exercise in which he feared the student, who was wearing virtual reality goggles, could be harmed. According to the lawsuit, the trans student, who has not been publicly identified, approached him after class and said, “Mr. Vlaming, you may have your religion, but you need to respect who I am.”

West Point Public Schools said Vlaming, 47, was disciplined for violating a school district policy prohibiting discrimination on the basis of gender identity. The school board and staff “acted within the law and division policy, and we deny any liability to Mr. Vlaming” and plan to “vigorously defend against any claims,” the school district said in a statement.

Philosophy professor Nicholas Meriwether’s lawsuit filed in federal court in November 2018 also claims that his religious beliefs were violated by Shawnee State University in Portsmouth, Ohio. Meriwether—who typically uses “sir” or “ma’am” and “Mr.” or “Ms.” when addressing students in class—was investigated and had a warning placed in his personnel file after he refused to use female pronouns to address a trans female student. University officials said Meriwether’s treatment of the student created a “hostile environment” and violated the school’s nondiscrimination policy. In September, a federal magistrate judge recommended that the suit be dismissed, refuting Meriwether’s First Amendment claims. His attorneys filed an objection, and a U.S. District judge will issue a final ruling.

The university declined to comment on specifics of the case while litigation is ongoing but defended its actions. “We are confident, though, that as details about the case come to light, it will become clear that efforts were made by Shawnee State to both respect our faculty member’s deep rooted religious beliefs and our student’s right to equal treatment in the classroom,” a university spokesperson said in an email.

Langhofer, of the Alliance Defending Freedom, says Vlaming has not been able to find another teaching job since being fired, while Meriwether, 62, remains a tenured professor at Shawnee State. Kluge has also been unable to find a job in another school and is working as a contractor and teaching private music lessons instead, says Michael Cork, an attorney representing him.

***

Justin Driver, a Yale law professor and author of The Schoolhouse Gate: Public Education, the Supreme Court, and the Battle for the American Mind, says he would be surprised to see the teachers prevail in their suits because such a decision would conflict with the 2006 U.S. Supreme Court ruling in Garcetti v. Ceballos. That decision said a public official’s free speech rights are only protected when they’re acting as private citizens, not while performing official duties.

Aidyn Sucec and his mother, Laura Sucec, sit in their home in Brownsburg, Indiana on Nov. 11, 2019.

Maddie McGarvey for TIME

Paul Castillo, a students’ rights attorney for Lambda Legal, agrees. “It is not the public square,” Castillo says of classrooms. “And these students, particularly in a K-12 environment, are mandated to be there. They have no choice, and they ought not to be subjected to discrimination.” Castillo is representing Indiana Youth Group, an LGBTQ advocacy organization that has filed a motion to intervene as a defendant in Kluge’s lawsuit because it has an interest in the outcome and believes it can better represent the rights of trans students.

Driver expects lawsuits challenging the rights of transgender students to increase, and he thinks the Supreme Court is likely to take up the issue at some point. “The questions that divide American society often find their fiercest battles arising within the schoolhouse itself,” Driver says. “The schoolhouse is where people on both sides of the issue feel strongest, and I think that’s because what young people learn in American public schools, they carry with them for the rest of their lives.”

In a speech at Notre Dame Law School in October, U.S. Attorney General William Barr called public schools “ground zero” for “attacks on religion,” citing laws in New Jersey and California that require schools to include the social, political and economic contributions of LGBTQ people in the curriculum. Barr said “many feel” that curriculum is “inconsistent with traditional Christian teaching.”

Byard, of GLSEN, says attitudes like that are all the more reason teachers should respect the identity of trans students. Given the level of polarization in the country over issues of gender and identity, Byard says, trans students “are being used as a political football by people at the highest levels of government.” With studies showing them already at higher than average risk for depression and suicide, being caught in the middle of bitter political fights only makes things worse.

“They are in danger, and every single teacher out there is in a position to help them through the simple act of using the right name and the right pronoun every day,” Byard says. “The ability to help them is entirely within their control. It is a daily act of affirmation that could save someone’s life.”

For Aidyn, school became intolerable after Kluge’s departure turned into a controversial issue that sparked protests at a school board meeting and bullying at school. In court documents, Aidyn said several students hurled insults at him when he showed up for the start of his sophomore year in the fall of 2018. One student “called me ‘the fag that got Kluge fired,’” he said.

A week into that school year, he withdrew from Brownsburg. Laura Sucec says Aidyn is now taking online classes at home through Indiana Connections Academy, a free online public school program. He’s doing well, she says — earning good grades, preparing to graduate a year early, and feeling more relaxed. But she wishes he’d never had to endure the misery that led him to leave Brownsburg High.

“He’s going through the process of identifying who he is as a person. That’s something that everybody goes through,” says Sucec. “But when somebody identifies as being transgender, that’s much more difficult to go through, because that’s something that not everybody understands.”

Write to Katie Reilly at [email protected].

“We don’t have to dedicate our lives only to children”

This is from the latest issue of the Forbes Woman app, which will go on sale May 19th.

Lyudmila Petranovskaya – educational psychologist, author of the books Minus One? Plus one!”, “Child of two families”, “Secret support. Attachment in the life of a child”, “If it is difficult with a child”. She is the founder and head of the Institute for the Development of Family Arrangement, under which there is a School of Adoptive Parents. Since 2012, the training of adoptive parents in our country has been mandatory. Over the three years of its work, more than 400 people have graduated from the SPR according to the method of Lyudmila Petranovskaya, more than 70 children are growing up in their families.

— You can’t argue with the fact that a happy mother is better for a child than an unhappy one. And if a woman likes to work, then the child is better off. Do you agree?

— I agree, because a mother is no less valuable person than a child. A mother is not a means for raising a child. Both the child and the mother have their rights. It’s perfectly normal when you leave, but at the same time tell the child: “You’re upset that I’m leaving. I understand that you will be bored. I will miss you too. We will meet in the evening – and I will be with you. Well, if you say to a little man, “Why are you crying again? Do you really want us to be left without money, ”this is already called non-fulfillment of parental responsibilities. Fulfillment of parental responsibilities does not consist in satisfying all the desires of the child always. They consist in being attentive to the feelings of the child, helping him adapt to the reality that exists, but which does not always correspond to his desires. Our children have the right to be upset if they don’t like something.

– If a woman made a career and then became a mother, when should she return to work? What is the best time for a child to have their mother around?

— I don’t think there are any objective deadlines. Nature has laid down a period when a child especially needs a mother – these are the first months of his life, the period of breastfeeding. So not only the child, but also the mother is calmer. It must be admitted that women also usually experience severe stress if they have to part with a child in the first weeks or months of his life. And, in fact, mother often at this time is not happy with either work or entertainment.

It is a great achievement that the Internet and mobile communication allow a modern woman not to make a painful choice between work and a child. You can find more flexible options – freelance, part-time, and work from home.

About attachment

— Thanks to your books, we learned about attachment as a basic thing in human life. And how to form this feeling in a child if a woman needs to work hard and, accordingly, be absent from home? Especially if we are talking about a foster child who was initially deprived.

– This problem was common in Soviet times. When a child was sent to a nursery at the age of two months, in fact, he received the same deprivation. Families that allow themselves not to send their child to a nursery were the exception rather than the rule. Let it not be total deprivation, but the Soviet child got his mother, exhausted by the work shift at the factory and a rather difficult life. It is no coincidence that we still see the consequences of deprivation in the older and middle generations.

– How do they express themselves?

— A person, already an adult, has no contact with his own feelings, he has no contact with his body, with his parents, with his needs, and even with his grown children.

— In order not to repeat the Soviet experience, what is important to consider for a modern working woman?

— It’s one thing for a mother to make frequent phone calls, go to meetings once a week, or end up breastfeeding her baby during a break from a business event. And quite another – leaves the child on the replacement nannies. If a woman does not feel motherhood is the sphere of her self-realization and understands that she does not want to take care of the child a lot, it makes sense to look for a permanent substitute person: dad, grandmother or permanent nanny.

But in this case, the mother will have to agree that the nanny, father, or grandmother will become the child’s main attachment. In general, for many years the propertied classes lived like this, and the mother actually began to take care of the child at his more adult age. So, for example, we all know the name of Pushkin’s nanny, but we don’t know what his mother’s name was, right? If the mother is satisfied with this alignment, then everything is in order.

– That is, attachment problems begin when the mother cannot or does not want to take care of the child and does not transfer this responsibility to anyone?

— Yes, such a mother first hires a nanny, then changes her, because the child becomes attached to her, and the mother becomes jealous. Very often, a nanny is fired with the wording: “Applies to the role of a mother.” But at the same time, when a child is sick, when he has a temperature, teeth are cut, he is sick or needs to be taken to the hospital, a nanny is still with the child. And at the same time, he should love only his mother. Sorry, but this way of attachment does not work. The child becomes attached to the adult who is next to him in the most difficult moments. And it is better to cherish such a nanny as the apple of an eye and pray that she does not leave you.

quote_block node/285815- A business woman is usually good at distributing and delegating responsibilities. And what in the upbringing of a child can and cannot be delegated?

– If you want to be your child’s main attraction, you can still go to work and make your own career. A visiting nanny can walk, play, feed a child, but his basic needs – when he is sick or at bedtime, when the child is as defenseless as possible – must be met by his mother. If you understand that you do not want to do this and cannot, agree with the fact that you will not be the main attachment of the child. This is how you help your child.

– Women who don’t want to ruin their careers often justify leaving the office early by saying that they don’t want to look uninteresting in the eyes of their own child when he grows up.

— To be honest, there are not many careers where you can’t leave the office for a year or two. Especially if we are talking about a truly successful woman, a sought-after professional who has already made a name for herself and a position in business. And even more so when we say that many have children not at the age of 25, but much later, when a career is formed. I think by the age of 35 you can already have a workplace where you will not be forgotten in a couple of years. In addition, no one takes away the opportunity to work as a consultant or part-time freelancer. And starting from the age of three, the child can already afford full employment.

— Parents often justify their employment by the need to earn money for the best things for the child — the best (and, accordingly, expensive) kindergarten, school, courses, toys. How to include material values ​​in education?

– Most often, this grows out of the childhood of the parents themselves, when they themselves were deprived of much. It is important to ask an adult: “Whose need is this – my child or my own from childhood?”.

— What about small gifts from mom and dad after returning late from work or a business trip, for example?

— There are children for whom gifts are important. This is about the fact that mom and dad remember and love them. Gifts in and of themselves are not a crime. But if, instead of my company, I offer a child a gift and at the same time I expect him not to want gifts, but me, this is already somewhat strange. The child wants someone who gives him strength and the feeling that he is loved.

— With your extensive experience of communicating with different parents, do you see the difference in children with mothers at home and mothers working?

— The difference does not depend on the presence or absence of the mother at home. It is not uncommon for a child to have all the signs of deprivation in the presence of excellent housing conditions and a non-working mother, that is, in the presence of an emotional deficit in communication between the child and the parent. At the same time, there are plenty of working mothers with excellent relationships with children.

— How do you know if your child has signs of deprivation or not?

— A deprived child feels neglected, feels that no one needs him by himself. There are different options for how a child experiences a lack of relationship with his mother. In adolescents, for example, this is expressed in a consumer attitude towards parents or a substitutive attachment to peers, and not to mom and dad.

If we talk about little ones, then a three-year-old child, for example, can go to the hands of everyone in a row, smile in the hope that at least someone will pay attention to him. Some children generally withdraw into themselves, become isolated, they do not need anyone. Others, on the contrary, become anxious, literally cling to the skirt, hoping to get at least something from their mother. Like Bergman in the film “Autumn Sonata”: the child is ready to sit under the door for a long time, waiting for his mother to pass by and look at him at least for a short time.

– What kind of adult will he then become?

– As adults, we often reproduce a model of relationships familiar from childhood or compensatory in relation to it. For example, when a child yearns for a parent’s attention, they may create a relationship pattern in which they are ignored and abandoned. A child, forced in childhood to deserve the attention of adults by actions, jumps, achievements or something else, will continue to build relationships in this way, confident that they love only for achievements, and not for the fact of his existence in this world.

– A sad picture is obtained when such negative scenarios are laid down in childhood.

– By default, any adult will have a basic relationship model that they have received from their parents. But such a child, having become an adult, thank God, is not sentenced. He can always change his life scenario and abandon the parental one, provided he is aware of it and carries out deep inner work with himself.

At the same time, it is clear that there is no child in the world who has never felt that his mother is not enough for him. There are situations like this all the time. Mom can get sick, go to the store, when the child at that very moment really wants her by her side. This is normal to one degree or another. I, too, in my childhood, was waiting for my mother at the door.

Much more important is what happens after the mother returns home. One mother is interested in washed dishes, clean floors and homework done, the other hugs the child, tells how she misses her, and they go to dinner together. Feel the difference? These are two different scenarios.

About education

— It turns out that by the time of motherhood, any mother (and not only a foster mother) must not only deal with her children’s scenarios, but also learn new rules for raising children.

— This is important right now. Until recently, even at the time of our grandmothers, humanity lived in large families. Then, in a situation of large families and close contacts with neighbors, any woman, by the time her first child appeared, had already gained experience in communicating with a dozen children of different ages and intuitively understood how to deal with a one-year-old, three-year-old, seven-year-old child. Now in cities it is not uncommon for a 35-year-old woman to pick up her first baby, her own child. Then it is better to read books in advance.

quote_block node/272929- There are thousands of parenting books on the market today, with different and sometimes conflicting theories. How to find the best option in them?

– It’s very simple. If you feel like a bad mother after reading this book, don’t read this book any further. If after reading you think your child is wonderful, and you yourself, as a mother, are fine, keep reading. The book either helps and becomes a mother’s resource, or hits on the head. You don’t have to hit your mother in the head.

– What is the role of genes, especially in the case of an adopted child, in the child’s future success? Many adoptive parents are afraid that the child will show genes, and then …

— Genes play an important role, but not the most important. More important than genes is the experience of a child’s relationships in childhood: were they supported, did they help him understand and experience his feelings, did they help him to be in contact with his feelings, are there relationships that are dear to him, are there people for whom you can think about yourself, about your safety. Humans are not programmed robots. One may not have the best heredity and no inclinations for the exact sciences, but he will be brought up as a decent person and he will live a good life. And the other will grow up in a family of professors, try drugs, or at 19lie down on the sofa.

Do you know many family clans where there is not a single person, for example, a drinker or an unhealthy person? Personally, I don’t know. Parents, on the one hand, are not the arbiters of fate and not the creators of genes, but on the other hand, they have the opportunity for proper upbringing.

About education

— How to proceed when choosing a school? Where is the line when a parent is obliged to give a good education, but also not to push the child to activities that are not interesting for him?

– You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. You can break into a cake, pay for an expensive English school for your child, and he will not study there. Parents create conditions to the best of their ability for the child to receive an education. Whether he uses it or not – this, by and large, the parents have the opportunity to influence.

– Many parents even do their homework for their children, as long as they stay in a decent school.

— If a child has a headache, he is tired, then doing homework for him is an ordinary family mutual help. But when they learn for a child and replace his desire to learn with his own desire, there is no point. After 18 years, he will no longer be afraid of parental punishment screams and lie down on the sofa. When parents “steam” more than a child, it means that they need a school or a university, and not a child. Isn’t it easier then to do it yourself and get another diploma? At least they’ll enjoy it.

— What is the most important thing when choosing a place of study for a child?

— It is important to understand that school is a service provided to a child. And it is important to take into account the atmosphere there, so that going to school becomes a conscious desire for the child, and not a daily feat. It is important that he goes there calmly and confidently. When getting an education becomes a pain, it’s not worth it.

Of course, there will always be heroic personalities like Lomonosov who have learned under any conditions. But is our child obliged to be a heroic person? A child is primarily for parents, not for school. And if a parent believes that today it is more useful for a child to lie in bed, then it is the parent who decides, not the school.

My 15-year-old daughter has a very busy school schedule, and if I see that it is better for her to lie down and sleep, then I allow it. Sometimes I ask her, and she gladly agrees to rest, and sometimes I persuade her to rest. This is also an important skill for a child and for an adult – to realize that you have an overload and that you need to rest so as not to break loose.

– Are there mothers, especially working ones, who do not feel guilty?

— There are. The maternal instinct is manifested to varying degrees.

— So harmony in relationships with children is directly related to instinct?

– Depends on the characteristics of the child. If he is no longer small, sitting with his beloved grandmother or dad, then why reproach yourself? If a person is very small, then any physical distance from him in space will be difficult. This is a mechanism laid down by nature to keep the mother close to the child, instinctive behavior. But if he is already 12, and you can’t spend a calm day without calling him ten times, or you don’t understand who will warm the soup for him, then this is probably too much.

Wearing your underwear and feeling down: 9 things you should never do in front of your kids | 45.

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Raising a happy child is a difficult task. Let’s try today to get closer to her solution

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Experts have long said that the best way to raise children is by example. You can tell your children as much as you like about the dangers of fast food and drunkenness, but if you yourself regularly order a burger and buy beer after work, you just shake the air. Often parents of teenagers are faced with the fact that they see their negative traits in children. Our colleagues from Wday.ru, together with psychologists, found out what to avoid when communicating with children.

But it’s always easier to say than to really start working on yourself. To get a little further in this direction, you can simply remember some of the taboos in raising children. It is important to understand that everything depends on the individual and age characteristics of the child, so all recommendations are not universal. So 9things not to do in front of children.

Do not talk badly about relatives and friends in front of a child, even if they deserve it. Children should not become witnesses of showdowns and scandals.

– If you constantly tell the kid what a bad father he has, you will only dig a hole for yourself and ruin the child’s life. Without a positive image of a man, a notorious and offended person will grow up. Dad and grandfather are authorities. If you criticize household members, then weigh every word, advises psychologist Boris Sednev.

Boris Sednev – clinical psychologist of the highest category, trainer, family psychologist, head of the Sednev Psychological Center.

The reverse side of the coin, when mom or dad takes the side of the child in all conflicts and does not show him an objective picture of what is happening. In this case, it seems to the son or daughter that the world revolves around them, and later it will be very painful for them to disbelieve this.

Often this happens unconsciously, what adult in their right mind would blame a three year old for their troubles. Many do not believe in the power of phrases spoken in the heat of the moment and in a temper: “I hate you”, “You ruined my whole life”, “I love your brother / sister more”, “If it weren’t for you …”, “We will no longer we love”, “I am ashamed of you”, “You are a shame to our family”, “I give you the best years, and you …”, “Leave me alone”, etc. These words will remain in the memory of the child for a long time, he will remember , which is a burden to you and you are tired of communicating with him.

Children who are often told this, eventually realize that it is pointless to turn to a parent for support. This attitude will remain with them into adulthood.

If this and the next paragraph seem difficult for you, we have prepared a simple cheat sheet for parents, it contains 7 phrases that will help your child grow up successful (and 9 expressions to make it the other way around).

Add to your arsenal the phrases: “You will succeed”, “I believe in you”, “You are the best”, try to think positively in the presence of a child and not become discouraged. Indeed, for a child, this is a signal, since the mother (authority) is afraid, sad and discouraged, it means that everything is really bad.

— Who doesn’t think so, watch the film adaptation of the autobiographical novel by writer Romain Gary “Promise at Dawn”. The action takes place in provincial Poland, where a single woman is raising her only son. The family constantly endures ridicule and bullying from others, the expert advises.

Of course, in the movies, a boy in a funny fur coat will become a famous diplomat and a popular writer. Even if this does not happen to your child, it may be worth giving him such a chance.

It must be remembered that public censure and punishment cause psychological trauma. And when you praise one child and scold another, thereby comparing, this aggravates the situation. For example, “Lena doesn’t cry in kindergarten and eats well, and you are constantly crying.”

– There will always be someone who will do something better or worse. You should love children for who they are and praise even small results. Even if your child has committed an unpleasant act (for example, he took a toy from a friend in the sandbox), then try to make the baby apologize. Leave all punishments and moralizing for home. Scold the child without witnesses, the psychologist advises.

The concept of education, where one parent is gentle and all-permissive, and the other is strict for two, is wrong from all sides. A child needs an example of a couple where there is agreement with each other. If dad does not allow something, mom should not cancel it, and vice versa.

There will be fewer conflicts if we immediately establish general rules, for example, we eat cookies once a day for an afternoon snack. At other times, it is not available to the child. The inconsistency of actions does not give the baby a clear understanding of what is good and bad.

— What about grandparents? Your parents’ house has different rules and regulations. When the child is on vacation, he can be given the opportunity to relax a little. You should not control grandparents, and even more so make comments to them in the presence of children, advises Boris Sednev.

It’s okay if a child sees you, for example, in a bathing suit. But to be naked in front of children, according to experts, is still not worth it.

“We live in a country where it is not customary to go naked,” says Elena Nikolaeva, a medical psychologist. “And the behavior when parents ignore clothes comes into conflict with what society requires of us. Also, if you walk in underwear (but not sexy) around the apartment, the child needs to explain this. For example, it’s hot at home, it’s more comfortable, but it’s not customary to walk like that on the street.

The fashionable phenomenon of being friends with your children breaks down in the first months of adolescence, when it turns out that the mother-friend does not support the grown-up daughter’s desire to stay overnight at a fun party. Friendship is good, but distance is still necessary in the parent-child relationship. And equality in this case is impossible and is unlikely to have any healthy forms.

Experts advise to stop any rudeness and disrespect on the part of the child. In front of children, you can’t swallow insults and leave insults addressed to you unanswered. Talk, analyze, conflict, but just do not be silent.

Just remember that if you’re on your phone all the time, your child’s best friend will be a tablet. Children of parents who are addicted to gadgets understand from childhood that there is something more interesting there than in real life. Spend your evenings actively, play monopoly, take a walk, share your impressions, then your child will not have any dependence on gadgets.

How many times have you told your little child that you will return to this cafe today, that dad will come soon (although not at all soon), and the fox took the nipple and carried it into the mink, so you don’t know where it is. Of course, you can’t explain some things to a small person, but you must not stop trying and not get carried away with writing.

— Every day a child understands that in the world of adults there is a place for falsehood and lies. With whom can you be frank, and where is it better to refrain from criticism? You will have to answer this question to your son or daughter yourself. Consider one thing: the more a child sees deception, the more often he will deceive himself, concludes psychologist Boris Sednev.

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  why is this not so? — Articles on the website of channel 7, Krasnoyarsk

  The only argument of Elena Semyonovy, based on facts, and not on personal subjective worldview and experience, is an increased risk of fetal pathologies, including Down syndrome.

  “She wants a child at 35, gives birth to a person with a bunch of sores, God forbid, not with Down syndrome,” she writes.

  Indeed, the longer you have lived, the more likely you are to earn some kind of disease. A separate issue related to women’s health is the state of the eggs. And all this, of course, affects the health of the unborn child. But we are talking here about the probability, not about the verdict. According to statistics, the likelihood of a woman having a child with Down syndrome increases with age. This is true. But we are talking about the following figures: 0.2% – 0.3% in women in labor from 20 to 30 years old, 0.2% – 0.8% from 30 to 40 years old and up to 4% at 45 years old.

  And yet, statistics cannot say anything about the prospects of a particular person. All women are different, and studies on this issue still do not give a clear answer about the ideal age for having children.

  In addition, we live in a time of advanced medicine, many congenital pathologies are diagnosed during pregnancy, and in the event of an unfavorable prognosis, a woman has the right to have an abortion. And modern methods of its implementation allow you to conceive again in the vast majority of cases.

  Well, if it is impossible to conceive or endure naturally, there are IVF and surrogate motherhood. In the end, you can take the child from the orphanage.

  And by the way, once again we forget that the health and age of the father can also affect the health of the child, albeit to a lesser extent. But Semyonova has a man: “and at 40 – suitors,” and in her opinion, it is more than excusable for a man to leave a woman with a sick child.

  Well, in the end, and who even said that a girl, having lived to be 30, 35, 40, 45 years old, will definitely want and have to give birth?

  There is no point in life other than children. Well, you will be an old 40-year-old aunt with half-empty ovaries. So what?

  The presence of a reproductive system as such does not mean that it must be used. At the moment, in humans, as in a species, the issue of reproducing their own kind is not acute. We have developed enough civilization so that most of the once relevant factors of mortality are no longer a threat to us.

  Thanks to the achievements of science and medicine in the 20th century, there was an unprecedented demographic increase. Life expectancy has increased, and the birth rate, for quite natural reasons, has fallen. We no longer need to give birth to 3, 5, 10 children so that they help in the household and at least some of them survive.

  Now people have become more interested not in the quantity of offspring, but in its quality. The contribution that parents make now is nothing compared to what it was 150 years ago. This applies to the stage of pregnancy planning, and to the period of gestation, and to further education.

  And even if someone never gives birth in their entire life, society is interested in specialists. In scientists, inventors, doctors, lawyers, artists, actors and many others. All of them contribute to the development, survival and standard of living of all mankind, including those who have chosen family and children as their priority.

  And the fact that young girls and women are postponing the birth of children, giving preference to studies, careers and other aspects of life, once again demonstrates the failure of the current demographic policy aimed at encouraging the birth of children, and the rhetoric presented by Elena Semyonova.

  For example, in the study “Change in fertility rates in developed countries. Influence of the labor market”, published in 2004 in the journal “Journal of population and economic”, presents an interesting curve showing the correlation between the birth rate and the employment rate of women (analyzed data from the indicators of countries that are members of the organization for economic cooperation and development, from 1968 to 1996) .

  It shows that over time, employment growth begins to be positively correlated with fertility. According to the study, from 19For 86 years, the growth in employment coincides with the growth in the birth rate, and vice versa, in countries where women have problems finding work and moving up the career ladder, they begin to have children less willingly. Of course, this does not give an unambiguous conclusion about causal relationships, but at least refutes the widespread fears associated with the tendency among women to pay more attention to careers [Changing fertility rates in developed countries. The impact of labor market institutions, Journal of population and economic, 2004].

  Researchers suggest that such changes are a consequence of the fact that women are becoming more confident in the future and the gradual adaptation of state institutions to the needs of working women.

  – In countries with a large number of women in leadership positions, they can afford to be distracted by having children, confident that they will be able to find work in the future.

  Perhaps those who are so worried about other people’s reproductive abilities should not intimidate, condemn and promote the primacy of having children as a woman’s purpose and meaning of life, but for a moment think about why even those who want children postpone or even refuse to create a family.

  Well, arguing with the following statements is generally pointless.

  – Your aging and ugliness can only justify the birth of children. Nothing more. Or do you think that you are on a par with men? No. They are. And our youth ends at 35.

  – Wanting children for a young woman is normal, not wanting is not normal. So it has always been, so it is, and so it will always be.

  All of the above is Elena Semyonova’s personal idea of ​​life. And individual personal experience, as an argument in the discussion, cannot be taken seriously at all.