Single mothering: The Truth About Being a Single Mom

The Truth About Being a Single Mom

As a five-year veteran of the single mom gig, I’ve been on a constant emotional rollercoaster — feeling like queen of the universe for potty-training my son in a month, panicking at 3 a.m., as I nurse his 104-degree fever, and even doing a happy dance after dropping him off at day care. I’m free, I think … even though I’m headed straight to work. Then there’s the sinking guilt of raising my son without his father and the exhaustion of having to do it all. Being a single mom is pretty much as tough as it’s cracked up to be, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love it.

You’ve got to work at having a social life
Office happy hours, a girlfriend’s jewelry party and an impromptu date all take a backseat to your child (and so do dental appointments and pedicures). As the only parent, you’re needed at home physically and emotionally. But be warned: It’s important not to become a recluse, or to feel sorry for yourself. Just get used to planning ahead to get out (and you _absolutely _should get out)! Having “girls’ night out” scheduled in your iCal, or letting your friend fix you up on a blind date will give you something exciting and “adult” to look forward to, and keep you thinking positively.

You’ll work your butt off — but still feel like you’re treading water job-wise
With school drop-off and peak traffic, I’m admittedly a little late to work some days, and I dart out at five on the dot. Obviously, I have no other choice, since there’s no other parent to take turns with. But why feel guilty? I’ve learned to scarf a salad and work through lunch, and even accepted that I’ll have to get work done after my little guy goes to bed, too. Just don’t wear yourself too thin: You need to call it a night every now and then, crawl into bed and watch reality TV — with or without ice cream.

Dating is a juggling act, but it’s doable (so do it!)
It took me a good four years to start dating again, and I don’t take it lightly when it comes to a guy meeting my son. That’s still pretty much off-limits. This means I’m currently living in two worlds. One night, I’m getting wined and dined, like any other single lady. The next, I’m back at home with the love of my life, simultaneously searching for a Lego man’s microscopic hand, cooking dinner and singing the ABC’s — and okay, shooting my date a text. I actually like compartmentalizing my lives as a mom and as a dating woman. It’s nice to occasionally get away, have a drink and recharge my batteries. I always feel refreshed after a night on the town and super-excited to resume my mommy duties.

Talking about the absent parent hurts every time
Raising a baby and toddler alone is a lot different than parenting an inquisitive five-year-old whose friends have moms and dads who either live together, or are both involved. When my son asks about his father, I answer truthfully, quickly and then change the subject (advice I gained from a child psychologist). I never say anything negative and know this conversation will evolve as my son grows older and more curious. So plan ahead of time how you’ll answer. And rest assured that it’s normal for you to feel sad, anxious, guilty or even enraged after having this tricky conversation. Just try to keep your cool around your kid.

You definitely need help
It’s a single mom’s instinct to feel like she needs to do it all, but that’s not realistic or rational. Despite what your seemingly perfect mom friends say or do, no one is super mom. Ask for help and accept help — especially if you’re a solo single mom, like me, with no other parent to pitch in. I know that “being on” 24/7 leads to burnout, so I say yes when family members and friends offer to babysit (and repay them with a coffee gift card or by returning the favor for their kids). In the beginning, it will be hard to loosen the reins of control, but eventually, it will feel comforting to know that help is a phone call away.

You’ll become a penny pincher
I don’t care how much money you make, you’re going to automatically reel in the spending and rethink your purchases. In addition to basic financial obligations that come with bringing up a tiny human, you’ll tack on life insurance, healthcare and a college savings plan (gulp). Child support usually helps with basic costs, plus medical and work-related childcare, but extra expenses always come up: Little League registration, your child’s birthday party, tickets to a play. And even though you’ll feel empowered that you’re supporting two people on your own, you’ll be paranoid about what would happen if you lost your job. Truth is, I feel like an awesome mom knowing my kid has a college fund, and that it’s partially because I’m rocking a bag from two (or three?) seasons ago. Got to love a semi-vintage bag!

Christine Coppa is the author of *Rattled! (Broadway Books, 2009), a memoir about starting her journey as a single mom. She’s a market editor-at-large, and has been a contributor to several parenting publications. Her son is five years old.*

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The Truth About Being a Working Mom

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18 single mom survival tips from other single moms

No one ever said parenthood was easy, and that’s never more true than if you’re doing the job on your own as a single mother. Stressful, challenging and sometimes terribly lonely are just a few ways single moms describe their everyday lives.

Yet the second-most common living arrangement for children in the U.S. (after two-parent households) is living in a home headed by a single mom. According to the 2020 U.S. Census Bureau, out of the 11 million single-parent families in the U.S., more than 80% of those are single-mom households. While raising children on your own can be a roller coaster of financial worries and time management stresses, there are lots of single moms out there not just getting through it and surviving, but thriving.

Fortunately, there are lots of ways to make single momhood easier on yourself. We asked single moms for their best advice on conquering some of the most challenging parts of being single parents. Read on for single mom help and tips on how to stay organized, slay your financial challenges, raise well-adjusted kids and keep yourself happy all at the same time.

Get control of your finances

Raising a child on one income can be challenging. Even if finances aren’t tight, the mental space required for keeping track of all the bills can be a lot and even take away from time you spend with your child. Learning how to manage your finances can take a big load off your shoulders.

1. Start a budget and keep it updated

Chris, a mom of one from Massachusetts, says a budget is the key to keeping your head above water financially.

“My big tip is to create a budget, but my most important tip is to keep it updated,” she says. “I would keep creating these budgets but never updating them and then wondering where all my money went. Now I set aside time every Sunday night and update everything so that I am never confused at the end of the month. I don’t always feel like doing it, but I just make myself. This has helped me more than anything.”

Understanding how much money is coming in and how much is going out will help you figure out where you need to cut back and how much you can spend on extras during the month. You can go old-school by creating your budget with pad and paper or try making one in Excel or Google sheets for an easier option. With a little bit of setup time, a free app like Mint can tie directly into your bank and credit cards and make budgeting even easier.

2. Put your bills on autopay

If you know your budget can handle it, try putting monthly bills on autopay. This ensures you don’t miss a payment and incur late fees and will also save you time. Instead of sitting at your laptop paying the bills one by one each month, set up autopay, and have more time to spend with your kids (or with a good book!)

“I was afraid to set it up because I felt like I’d run out of money unexpectedly,” says Liz, a New York City mom of two. “But once I bit the bullet, it was great. At this point, I am used to the money coming out at a set time, and I don’t have to worry about being late.”

3. Take advantage of tax breaks and government programs

“Personally, I’d love to have a personal money manager, but I can’t afford it,” says Monica, a mom from Massachusetts. “I did a lot of research after talking to another mom where I live, and there are things I wasn’t even taking advantage of. Now I look into it every year to make sure nothing has changed. ”

Make sure you are taking advantage of tax breaks like the Child Tax Credit and the Child Care Tax Credit, both of which recently increased for 2021. Do your research to ensure that you are saving whatever money you are entitled to when filing your taxes.

If money is tight, there are several government programs and grants available for single mothers.

• Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) is a government-run program aimed at providing food-buying assistance to low-income families and single mothers.
• The Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants and Children (WIC), provides state and Federal grants to eligible moms who need supplemental food, health care referrals and nutritional guidance.
• Single mother grants are available to qualifying moms. Check out the list and see if there is anything you can use to help make your financial situation better.

4. Learn how to say “no”

“I can’t buy everything my kids want,” says Monica. “It’s sad to tell them no, but it would be worse to teach them to care about buying a toy instead of being able to afford our house or food.”

You don’t need to get into the nitty gritty of your finances with your kids, but it’s good to teach them to prioritize what matters in life. It will help them understand the value of a dollar and to be more discerning about what they buy as they get older. If there’s something they have their heart set on, teach them to save up for it or put it on a holiday or birthday list.

Utilize your support system to make child care easier

It takes a village to raise a child, right? Whether you’re a single mom or not, most people realize that child care usually involves many different folks pitching in. You might be surprised by how many other parents want to team up with you to tackle child care — just ask around!

5. Join up with other single moms

“The one piece of advice is to do what I resisted doing forever — make friends with other single moms,” says Pauline, a mom of two from Wisconsin. “There is absolutely no guilt in asking another single mom for help watching your kids now and then because she knows the struggle. She also knows I’ll do the same for her when she needs it. I’m really shy, so it took me forever, but my whole life changed when I got close to two other single moms. We cover each other’s back, always, no questions asked!”

Other single moms will understand your situation more than anyone else could. They will also be a good person to go to for advice when you need it because you won’t need to over explain anything to them.

6. Try a sleepover exchange

“My friends and I are members of the sleepover exchange club,” says Judy, a mom of three in Austin. “Basically, you take the group of kids for a sleepover one weekend night a month and each of the other moms does the same thing on the other weekends. This is how I’ve managed to date; otherwise I don’t think it would ever happen.”

If your kids are old enough and ready for sleepovers, this can be a real game-changer. You can go out or do some time-consuming projects while being kid-free for an entire night. The bonus here: The kids think it’s all for them, and they have a blast with their friends.

7. Start or join a carpool share

There’s no reason for everyone to take the same drive to and from school every day when you can start a carpool and split the duties.

“Carpool is the key to sanity some days,” says Pauline. “When it’s my day, I’m prepared for it ahead of time. When it’s not my day, I get an extra hour or so to do things around the house or get to work early. It’s a small thing, but it helps.”

8. Rely on close family members

“I’m lucky because my mom and my aunt are both in my town and neither of them works full time,” says Chris. “My mom has my daughter two afternoons a week after school and my aunt takes her another two. It’s the only way I can manage my job.”

Some moms worry that family members will feel taken advantage of, but older family members looking out for the youngest kids is a tradition as old as time. Many of us grew up spending a lot of time with our grandparents, so try to put your own worries aside. Have an honest conversation with your family members and see if they are willing to help you out. You will probably be surprised at how willing they are to take on some babysitting time, even if it is just an afternoon here and there.

Get organized to save yourself headaches

Kids like consistency, and setting up a “system” for your family can not only save you time, but it can also help you avoid meltdowns and unexpected curveballs.

9. Get on a daily routine and stick to it

“I run this house like a well-oiled machine, and it’s the only way it works,” says Jo, a mom of three from Maine. “We have a very specific routine for weekdays, and no one is allowed to mess it up, including me. As long as we stick to it, there are no surprises!”

Getting yourself and your kids on a daily routine is not only helpful to you, but it’s good for your kids, as well. Kids like the consistency of a routine, even if they put up a fight about it now and then. Having a set routine in the mornings especially is the best way to make sure everyone is dressed on time and no lunches get left at home accidentally.

10. Try creating a mealtime list system

“It sounds crazy, but I have a rotating mealtime list system that I use,” says Kim, a mom of two from New Jersey. “Basically, I came up with eight different dinner lists that cover one dinner for each day of the week. I rotate between the eight lists. Having eight lists means that there are two months worth of dinners before I start to repeat them. I just pull up a list, depending on what’s going on that week, and bring it with me to the grocery store. I don’t have to think about dinner every day since I already know what I’m making, and I know it’s something my kids will eat.”

Meal planning can help you hold down the chaos that can take over during a busy week, and it also makes grocery shopping a lot easier. Try creating a board for each week on Pinterest for each list and saving each dinner as a pin within that week’s list. If things go totally awry during the week, you can always order a pizza, but at least you have a basic plan to start with and that’s half the battle. Lots of sites like Skinnytaste, Tastes Better From Scratch and The Kitchn post healthy weekly meal plans for families.

11. Use online tools to keep track of everything

“I would be lost without Google Calendar,” Kim says. “I use the color coding in Google calendar to differentiate between school things, family things and personal things.”

There’s nothing wrong with pen and paper, but online apps and tools provide certain features that can make a single mom’s life a lot easier. Google Calendar and many other apps allow you to share things with other family members which means everyone is on the same page all the time. If your kids have their own devices, they’ll be able to see tasks, events and lists as you update them.

Remember that your well-being is just as important as your kid’s (if not more!) Connecting with others in similar situations can provide you with a type of support you can’t get from non-single parents.

12. See if there are Meetups for single moms in your area

“I belong to a few Meetup groups for my job, so after a particularly challenging week, I decided to see if there were any for single parents,” says Allison, a mom of two in Los Altos, California. “That was a few years ago, and I can honestly say that the moms in my Meetup group are some of my closest friends now. There is no better group to vent to when I need to and I love giving them encouragement or advice or help out with a kid when they need it, too.”

Being a single mom can be incredibly lonely, and having a local circle of moms who are in similar situations can keep you connected to people who live close to you. It’s great to chat with other moms online, but nothing beats being able to meet face to face for a glass of wine or a cup of coffee.

13. Check for local Facebook mom groups

“I found a Facebook group for moms in my area,” says Rachel, a mom of three in Brooklyn. “It’s not all single moms, but it still works for me. I’m far from the only single mom in the group, and just having other moms to connect with is helpful. We trade notes about schools, parks, even local grocery store sales. Lifesaver. I’ve met up with two of the other moms in person.”

Local Facebook groups are another option for connecting with moms in your area. It might be tough to find an active local group made up of only single moms, but connecting to any moms in your neighborhood will give you people to talk to when you need advice, have a question or just want to vent.

14. Look for reputable private groups or forums for single parents

“I saw something on the news about a private Facebook group for single parents, and I joined it,” says Chris. “My family is great, but sometimes I need to talk to people who are living similar lives and who I know won’t judge me for feeling frustrated or burnt out. ”

Amanda, a mom of two from New Jersey, agrees. “Finding an active online group of friends who could relate was key,” she says. “I have a super loyal crew of IMFs as I call them (Internet mom friends) that I am closer to than my IRL (in real life) moms.”

Surviving Single Parenthood is a popular private Facebook group for single parents. Founded by a single dad, it’s been called a “haven” by the parents who are members. They go there for advice on everything from finances and child care to dating as a single parent. The group even holds a Secret Santa event each year where members send holiday presents to the children of other members. 

Make the most of these general sanity-savers

Any single parent knows that there just never seems to be enough time in the day. Learning how to prioritize — and outsource — the many things that need to get done is key to maintaining your sanity.

15. Assign chores to your kids

“Give your kids jobs. Seriously,” says Judy. “First of all, it teaches them the importance of work and contributing, but most of all it will save you work and time. My kids are old enough to each make their own lunches every day now and that is a huge timesaver for me in the mornings.”

Children can start taking on small chores beginning in toddlerhood. As they get older, change up what they’re doing to be more age-appropriate. You’ll appreciate the extra help, and you’ll be instilling values in them that will shape them into responsible adults.

16. Utilize time-saving shopping features

“Yes, I use Amazon Prime and it’s worth every penny,” says Kim. “I don’t mind paying for it because it saves me so much time. Need a birthday present for the weekend? I get it there. Basically I’d rather spend a bit of money to save myself the hassle of running all over town for little things all week.”

If you have the money in your budget to spring for some time-saving shopping helpers, go for it. Look into ordering your groceries from a company like Fresh Direct instead of spending that hour at the store each week. If Fresh Direct isn’t available in your area, consider trying curbside grocery pickup or delivery from your local stores. 

17. Outsource what you can

“You really need to think of your own time as a commodity,” says Amanda. “See what you can afford to outsource. Can you afford a cleaner twice a month? Do it! Can you get a sitter even twice a week after school? Do it!”

If you have the cash in your budget to bring in help, look into what would be the most helpful to outsource. Don’t feel guilty about having someone else help around the house if you can afford it. It means more time for you and more time that can be spent with your kids.

18. Plan kid-free time for yourself

“My biggest tip is to make time for yourself,” says Judy. “It’s so important, and most of us won’t do it because we feel guilty.”

Pauline agrees: “It took other single moms telling me to do this, so I want to tell others to do it, too. You need time without your kids. It helps you be a better mom in the long run and you deserve it, too.”

Single moms rarely get time to themselves, but that kid-free time can invigorate you and refill your reserves in a way that really matters. Hire a babysitter or ask a family member or another mom to take your kids for a few hours so you can have time to yourself. Get a pedicure, go to a bookstore or just take a leisurely walk by yourself. Making time to do something that is just for you is something you shouldn’t feel guilty about. After all, happy moms make for happy kids!

Single mother \ Acts, samples, forms, contracts \ ConsultantPlus

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Single mother: 5 problems and their solutions

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For parentsA person among peopleDivorce

The number of women raising children on their own is steadily growing in the world. For some, this is the result of their own initiative and conscious choice, for others – an unfavorable combination of circumstances: divorce, unplanned pregnancy … But for both of them, this is not an easy test. Let’s understand why this is so.

Problem No. 1. Social pressure

The specificity of our mentality suggests that a child must have both a mother and a father. If the father is absent for some reason, the public is in a hurry to feel sorry for the child in advance: “children from single-parent families cannot become happy”, “a boy needs a father, otherwise he will not grow up to be a real man.”

If the initiative to raise a child on her own comes from the woman herself, people around her become indignant: “for the sake of the children, one could endure it,” “men don’t need other people’s children,” “a divorced woman with children will not be happy with her personal life.”

A woman finds herself face to face with peer pressure that makes her make excuses and feel inferior. This forces her to close herself in and avoid contact with the outside world. The pressure drives a woman into distress, a negative form of stress, and further exacerbates her already precarious psychological state.

What to do?

First of all, get rid of delusions that lead to dependence on someone else’s opinion. For example:

• People around me constantly evaluate me and my actions, notice shortcomings.
• The love of others must be earned, therefore it is necessary to please everyone.
• The opinion of others is the most correct, because it is more visible from the outside.

Such prejudices make it difficult to adequately relate to someone else’s opinion – although this is just one of the opinions, and not always the most objective one. Each person sees reality based on his own projection of the world. And it is up to you to decide whether someone’s opinion is useful to you, whether you will use it to improve your life.

Have more confidence in yourself, your opinion and your actions. Compare yourself to others less. Surround yourself with those who do not put pressure on you, and separate your own desires from the expectations of others, otherwise you risk relegating your life and your children to the background.

Problem No. 2. Loneliness

Loneliness is one of the main problems that poison the life of a single mother both in the event of a forced divorce and in the case of a conscious decision to raise children without a husband. By nature, it is extremely important for a woman to be surrounded by close, dear people. She wants to create a hearth, to gather people dear to her around it. When this focus falls apart for some reason, the woman loses her footing.

A single mother lacks moral and physical support, a feeling of a man’s shoulder. The banal, but much-needed rituals of daily communication with a partner become inaccessible to her: the opportunity to share the news of the past day, discuss business at work, consult on children’s problems, talk about your thoughts and feelings. This greatly injures the woman and introduces her into a depressive state.

Situations that remind her of her “loner” status exacerbate and intensify the experience. For example, in the evening, when the children are sleeping and household chores are redone, memories roll in with renewed vigor and loneliness is felt especially acutely. Or on weekends, when you need to go with the children on “lone trips” to shops or to the movies.

In addition, friends and acquaintances from the former, “family” social circle suddenly stop calling and inviting guests. This happens for various reasons, but most often the former environment simply does not know how to react to the separation of a married couple, and therefore stops any communication altogether.

What to do?

The first step is not to run away from the problem. “This is not happening to me” denial will only make things worse. Calmly accept forced loneliness as a temporary situation that you intend to use to your advantage.

The second step is to find the positives in being alone. Temporary solitude, the opportunity to be creative, the freedom not to adapt to the wishes of a partner. What else? Make a list of 10 items. It is important to learn to see in your condition not only negative, but also positive sides.

The third step is active actions. Fear stops action, action stops fear. Remember this rule and be active. New acquaintances, new leisure activities, a new hobby, a new pet – any activity will do that will help you not feel lonely and fill the space around you with interesting people and activities.

Problem No. 3. Feeling guilty towards the child

“Deprived the child of her father”, “could not save the family”, “doomed the child to an inferior life” – this is only a small part of what a woman blames herself for.

Moreover, every day she encounters a variety of everyday situations that make her feel even more guilty: she couldn’t buy a toy for her child because she didn’t earn enough money, or she didn’t pick it up from kindergarten on time because she was afraid to ask for time off once again From the job.

Guilt builds up, the woman becomes more and more nervous and twitchy. She is more than necessary, worries about the child, constantly takes care of him, tries to protect him from all adversity and tries to fulfill all his desires.

As a result, this leads to the fact that the child grows up excessively suspicious, dependent and focused on himself. In addition, he very quickly recognizes the “pain points” of the mother and begins to unconsciously use them for his children’s manipulations.

What to do?

It is important to recognize the destructive power of guilt. A woman often does not understand that the problem is not in the absence of a father and not in what she has deprived the child, but in her psychological state: in the feeling of guilt and remorse that she experiences in this situation.

How can a person crushed by guilt be happy? Of course not. Can an unhappy mother have happy children? Of course not. Trying to atone for guilt, the woman begins to sacrifice her life for the sake of the child. And subsequently, these victims are presented to him as an invoice for payment.

Rationalize your guilt. Ask yourself questions: “What is my fault in this situation?”, “Can I correct the situation?”, “How can I make amends?”. Write and read your answers. Think about how your sense of guilt is justified, how real and proportionate to the current situation?

Do you hide unspoken resentment and aggression under guilt? Or are you punishing yourself for what happened? Or do you need wine for something else? By rationalizing your guilt, you will be able to recognize and eliminate the root cause of its occurrence.

Problem #4. Single-sex upbringing

Another problem faced by single mothers is that the child’s personality is formed solely on the basis of the female type of upbringing. This is especially true if the father is not involved in the child’s life at all.

Indeed, in order to grow up as a harmonious personality, it is desirable for a child to learn both feminine and masculine behaviors. A clear bias in only one direction is fraught with difficulties with its further self-identification.

What to do?

Involve male relatives, friends and acquaintances in the upbringing process. Going to the movies with your grandfather, doing homework with your uncle, going on a hike with your friends – for a child, this will be a great opportunity to learn different types of male behavior. If it is possible to at least partially include the father of the child or his relatives in the process of raising the child, do not neglect this, no matter how great your offense is.

Problem #5. Personal life in haste

The status of a single mother can provoke a woman to rash and hasty actions. In an effort to quickly get rid of the “stigma” and tormented by guilt before the child, a woman often enters into a relationship that she does not like or for which she is not yet ready.

It is simply vital for her that someone else is next to her, and that the child has a father. At the same time, the personal qualities of a new partner often fade into the background.

At the other extreme, a woman devotes herself completely to raising a child and puts an end to her personal life. The fear that the new man will not accept her child, will not love him as his own, or the child will think that the mother has exchanged him for a “new uncle”, can lead a woman to give up trying to build a personal life altogether.

Both in the first and second situations the woman sacrifices herself and as a result remains unhappy

In both the first and second situations the child will suffer. In the first case, because he will see the suffering of the mother next to the wrong person. In the second – because he will see the suffering of his mother in loneliness and blame himself for it.

What to do?

Take a time out. Do not rush to urgently look for a child a new father or try on a crown of celibacy.