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newborns, 1, 2 and 3 years old

Margarita Noskova

psychologist and mother

Author’s profile

When a child’s behavior changes, parents often fall into a stupor or panic. Just yesterday, the baby was accommodating and smiling, and today he cries all day and refuses to fulfill requests.

I carefully prepared for the birth of my son: I read a lot of literature on education, I was interested in the experience of my friends and acquaintances. I just remembered that I once studied – I am a psychologist by education. But when my son was born, it suddenly seemed to me that I didn’t know anything and didn’t understand what to do next.

I remember the first months of my son’s life with a slight shudder: he slept little and screamed a lot, until three and a half months he did not get off his hands at all. When the son went on his own, the daily routine became more interesting and a little easier, so the crisis of the first year of life passed almost unnoticed. Now my child is a two-year-old with an active life position, which is periodically reported by a wild or. Fortunately, now I understand how to deal with this.

In the article I will talk about the first crises in the life of a child and how parents should act when a difficult period comes.

Why developmental crises occur

Psychology knows several approaches to the periodization of a child’s development, but they all agree that children go through certain crisis stages – this is inevitable.

Don Bokum, Grace Kraiga “Developmental Psychology”

The fact is that crises in a child’s life are associated with significant changes in his life. As a rule, three factors influence this most of all: a change in the social situation of development, a change in the leading activity, or the emergence of new skills in the child. I’ll tell you more about this.

The social situation of development is the relationship between the child and the environment that educates and surrounds him. In practice, this is any communication between a child and adults around him: parents, relatives, family friends, caregivers, teachers.

A crisis occurs when the social situation changes. The child grows up, and it becomes not enough for him to communicate only with his parents, he begins to be interested in other people, wants to play with other children. Attempts to establish contact are not always successful – this can be frustrating for the child.

Leading activity determines the development of the child at one stage or another, the most important changes in mental processes depend on it. Roughly speaking, this is the main occupation of the child, what it is important for him to do at a particular age. For example, the leading activity from birth to a year is direct emotional communication with an adult.

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A crisis occurs when a child switches to a new type of activity, begins to explore the world, but is faced with the fact that not everything is allowed to him and not all objects can be influenced. For example, children can get upset even because large objects do not fit into their mouths, and hard ones do not bend.

New skills, or mental neoplasms – as psychologists call them – can also cause a new crisis. New skills may frighten the child at first, because he still does not really understand how to apply it, but he tries very hard. For example, a crisis occurs when a child begins to speak: the baby may not always be understood, and sometimes the vocabulary is not enough to express everything you want – this upsets.

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All children experience these periods of change differently. One child will be capricious when faced with any difficulties, another will be offended, refuse to communicate and sit sullenly in the corner, and the third will simply become very demanding and relentless, but without hysterical antics. It can be difficult for parents to survive these periods of change, but the longer they try to maintain the old way of life, the more difficult it is for children to get a new round of development.

Next, I will talk about the main crises that parents face from the birth of a child to school.

Neonatal crisis

How it manifests itself. A newborn child is helpless and completely dependent on adults, but he can communicate his needs only by crying. The problem is that it is difficult for parents to understand what exactly a cry means at one time or another – you have to guess with the help of intuition and logic. Until the parents understand what exactly needs to be done, the baby can worry and scream, which means that the whole family will be nervous and upset.

Deadlines. Officially, the neonatal crisis is considered to last from the moment a child is born to two months. During this time, parents usually find a common language with the baby. But everything is individual – the crisis can go on longer.

How to be parents. Don’t treat a baby’s cry as a whim. Even if the baby is full, slept well and in a dry diaper, his crying can signal a lack of attention from parents. The fact is that bodily contact with parents is the basic need of newborns, and direct emotional communication with them is the leading activity. All this helps to form a quality attachment and will serve as a support in the future life of the child. At this age, children do not manipulate the cry and it is impossible to accustom them to hands.

True, we should not forget about another key task of this period – to allow the mother to recover after childbirth. To do this, it is important for her to share the care of the baby with someone else. In my practice, there were situations when relatives or nannies helped the family to survive the neonatal crisis. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

Sleepless nights can also affect the mother’s well-being, and hence her ability to take full care of the child. If your baby does not sleep well at night, try different sleep arrangements, consult a pediatrician, and ask for help from sleep consultants. Coping with a neonatal crisis will be easier if the whole family gets enough sleep.

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What to buy. During this period, it is important to free yourself from other worries and delegate part of the functions to relatives or specially trained people. For example, order cleaning or buy ready-made food. If the baby spends all the time in the arms of the parents, it may be worth trying to buy a swing or a deck chair to make life easier for yourself.

The use of swings will not harm the formation of attachment: it is important not only the quantity, but also the quality of time that parents spend with the child. If you communicate with the baby every day, then daytime sleep not in mother’s arms, but, for example, in a swing will not hurt anyone.

An electric swing is quite capable of replacing swinging on your hands and giving mom or dad a break. Such a model costs 25,900 R, but there are also more budget options – from 2000 R. Source: akusherstvo.ru

How I got through the crisis. I came to my senses for about four months. My child cried often and woke up 8-12 times a night. The side bed helped to save the remnants of sleep, and then joint sleep.

Since my son slept exclusively on me at first, I learned how to organize the space according to my needs. Usually she held the child with one hand and leaned her body on the back of the sofa, always left the other hand free to, for example, eat, take a mug, sit on the phone or do something on the computer. At three and a half months, the baby abruptly “matured up” and suddenly became interested in what was happening around, got off his hands, lay on the floor with pleasure and touched toys. So this period had to be just waited out.

Until about four months of life, babies do not wake up from the noise in the room, so I could safely watch movies and TV shows with sound – it brightened up the routine.

Crisis of one year

How it manifests itself. Young parents often hear the phrase “It will get easier after a year” – this is true and a myth at the same time. A myth, because even after a year, babies still require a lot of attention and you won’t be able to move away from them for a long time. True, because by the age of one year children are already more independent and aware: they can crawl, and some can walk, point fingers at interesting objects, understand speech addressed to them, hold some objects in their hands.

Thanks to this, the child understands that every day he can do more, that it is not necessary to call his mother to take the item of interest. During this period, it becomes especially important for him to grab objects, manage them himself and understand what can be done with the help of this or that thing. And this is the main reason for the crisis: the kid wants to do a lot, but so far knows little.

Understanding that the crisis has come is quite simple: the child begins to demand more attention and ceases to obey adults. He becomes stubborn and behaves more actively than before, is naughty out of the blue, refuses usual activities, such as walking, bathing or brushing his teeth. If at 8-10 months the child could at least occasionally play by himself for 5-10 minutes, crawled on his own and did not call for help, then by the time of the crisis he again begins to demand the constant presence of an adult nearby. Sometimes even outbursts of aggression are possible, but this is rare.

Deadlines. The crisis of the first year can begin even earlier, conditionally at 10-11 months, and by the age of one and a half it usually ends. By this moment, the kid accepts the rules of the game: he understands what he will do himself, and in what cases he still needs to call an adult for help. Some motor skills are reinforced.

How to be parents. In a crisis period, it is important whether adults will restrict the child and prohibit everything, or, on the contrary, will give moderate freedom in action. The fact is that through the ratio of freedom and prohibitions, the child will begin to form a basic trust in the world. He will draw conclusions whether the world is safe and open to him or, on the contrary, it is terrible and dangerous, since his parents forbid everything.

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Some parents continue to do everything for a one-year-old child, believing that he is still small. But with such a strategy, adults are threatened with frequent tantrums, and there is still a great risk of getting a helpless child in the future: he will simply accept and get used to what everyone is doing for him.

Eating with your own hands is a great idea. I didn’t worry that my son would get dirty: the washing machine will endure everything

Of course, the child will do everything on his own for longer. When my son walks along with me on business, and does not ride in a stroller or on his hands, the short road turns into a long walk. This can be annoying. Sometimes parents want to shout, scold the baby for sluggishness or mistakes.

Parents usually resort to swearing out of impotence or fatigue, but at the same time, the child undergoes changes not only of a psychological nature, but even at a physiological level: the heartbeat quickens, the hormone cortisol begins to be produced. That is, his body perceives the cry as a danger – he believes that he needs to run or freeze, but not listen and draw conclusions.

It is also important for parents during this period to explain to the child the first rules of behavior and set the boundaries of norms. The rules should be the same for everyone and act not only at home, but also when visiting grandparents: this is the only way the child will not get confused. For example, you can’t bite and beat anyone, even if the grandfather is not against comic cuffs from his grandson. Be prepared to repeat the same thing day after day: the child will not immediately want to obey and do everything that is required of him.

What to buy. Closer to a year, children master most motor skills and practice them even at night. At this age, they will sometimes wake up, try to sit up, get up and get out of the crib. It may be dangerous. High sides by the bed will help protect the child from falling – they should reach the baby to the armpits if he is standing.

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To monitor a sleeping child during the day and late at night, parents will need a video baby monitor or a camera with night vision. Video baby monitors cost from 5000-6000 R. Video cameras are slightly cheaper – from 2000-3000 R. I had a video camera.

To allow the child to be more independent, you need to prepare an apartment for this: block windows, sockets and cabinets with household chemicals, equip a space for games, for example, lay a rug on which the child will not be cold to play, and put a rack with toys. It’s inexpensive: plugs cost about R100 for a set of six, lockers for cabinets from R80 each, and for windows from R200. . For example, a breathing monitor or a speaker that reacts to crying and turns on white noise for the baby. Source: akusherstvo.ru If there is not enough space in the apartment, you can buy a rug-bag. During games, the baby sits on it, and when it finishes, the rug is easy to fold and put away with toys. Such a rug costs from 700 R. Source: akusherstvo.ru

How I got through the crisis. My son had a crisis when he was 11 months old. He became especially active, constantly asked to be held and demanded that I carry him to specific objects. He didn’t want to sit in the wheelchair either – he held out for a maximum of 20 minutes, and then yelled and tried to get out of it.

In response, I changed my approach to walking. Now we sometimes went out without a stroller. When my son began to walk on his own, I sometimes began to ask him to help my mother carry the stroller so that he would walk next to me, and not ride on his hands. If possible, I took him in my arms and was there as long as I could, so that he would get enough attention and quickly switch to more interesting activities. And I haven’t yelled at the child yet, although sometimes I really wanted to do it – herbal sedative drops helped me with this.

We also organized a safe space for children in the house. In his corner, the son played and arranged the toys on the garage shelves himself. It was good for everyone: the child had the freedom of creativity, and I had peace of mind that he did not destroy the whole apartment.

We couldn’t allocate a separate room for the child, so I organized a corner for him in the hall

Crisis of two years

There is no such concept in any classical age periodization, nevertheless, parents often face something similar to a crisis during this period. I observed this both as a mother and as a specialist.

How it appears. The main symptom is resentment and frustration when something does not go the way the child intended. For example, he wanted to press the button in the elevator himself, and his mother did it. Or he wanted the whole kilogram piece of cheese, and not the piece that was cut off for him. Moreover, these are precisely the features of thinking, and not just the desire to be harmful.

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Children also perceive whole objects as correct and good. For example, if parents break off a piece of a cookie, then for a child it already becomes spoiled, defective – this is a reason to be upset.

Deadlines. There are no clear boundaries, but in practice, children’s stubbornness, tantrums and frustrations for any reason are more common at 2-2.5 years.

How to be parents. Try to ask the baby what he wants and in what form. If the child does not speak yet, offer him options and ask him to point to the one he likes. If the child’s request is feasible, then just do as he wants. For example, let you take a plush dinosaur with you for a walk or open the bathroom door yourself after bathing.

If the request cannot be fulfilled, then explain to the child in detail why, but at the same time be prepared for tears and hysteria. Remember that tantrums do not last forever – they end even if the baby cannot be switched to something else.

If possible, divide food into portions out of children’s sight and bring already cut or serve whole.

How I got through the crisis. In my case, the crisis is still ongoing – now the active phase. The child is very demanding, starts screaming if something important for him does not go according to plan.

My son already speaks well enough, so I ask him in a firm voice to stop shouting and say in words what he wants, otherwise I will not understand him. Sometimes it works. In other situations, I just wait out the tantrum, and then tell him that he was upset, it happens, and this is normal, but now you need to calm down. To calm down, I suggest that he breathe, hug or start playing something. It works only once, but this is already a big success.

Recently, I began to negotiate with my son. For example, before going to bed, he asks to go to the kitchen to take something, although he is already in bed, and I read books to him. Then I say that now we are going to the kitchen, he will take what he wants, and then immediately go back to the room to sleep. Then I ask: “Agreed?” He confirms. Then, in the kitchen, I remind him of the contract and agreement, and we return back. Of course, this doesn’t always work either, but it’s still worth trying.

The child makes ultimatum demands for cheese: only the whole thing, no pieces

Crisis of three years

How it manifests itself. This is the most famous children’s crisis among the people. Among the characteristic symptoms are stubbornness, self-will, devaluation of adults and the desire for despotism, that is, the manifestation of one’s power over adults. Often there is negativism – this is when the child answers “no” to all proposals and requests.

The main message of the crisis is “I myself”. Children strive for autonomy and test how strong the boundaries of what is permitted are. They begin to understand that they have their own will and may not obey an adult in absolutely everything.

The game becomes the leading activity of this period, during which the main development takes place. The social situation is also changing – the child begins to be interested in other people, now he is ready to perceive children as partners in games.

Timing. Here the terms are also blurred. The beginning can be expected at two and a half years, and later, up to three and a half years. The crisis itself does not last 1-1.5 months, but longer.

How parents should act. Independence, the ability to say “no”, the ability to form and defend one’s opinion are born just at the age of three. Their further development is partly determined by what parenting strategy the parents choose at that moment.

I recommend that clients take a partner position in relation to the child, but with elements of imperious care, as Ludmila Petranovskaya puts it. This means that you perceive the child as a separate person with your own needs, tastes and interests, are ready to take into account his opinion, conduct a dialogue, take care of satisfying his needs, but define the rules and boundaries of behavior.

There are a number of universal recommendations – I discuss them with almost all clients who want to help themselves get through this period.

Be as calm and consistent as possible. If you start to boil, then this is an occasion to ask to replace you for a while – so that you switch.

Also, I would not ignore such a resource as cartoons. They will captivate the child for some time, and you can just sit, drink tea or relax. WHO allows you to spend 60 minutes a day on cartoons, and an hour of extra time for yourself is priceless. If, in addition to TV, in a child’s life there is a sufficient amount of live communication with adults, games and activities, then cartoons are unlikely to be able to harm in any way.

WHO recommendations on physical activity, sedentary behavior and sleep in children under five years of age

Playing together with your children is the key to their harmonious development

Do not use directives at this age. If you say to a child, “Put on the gray pants,” the answer is likely to be a clear “no.” To avoid this, offer him options: “Do you want to wear gray pants or black ones with a typewriter?”, “Would you like broccoli or rice for lunch?” This tactic makes the child understand that you are ready to give him independence in choosing, albeit a little imaginary. In psychology, this phenomenon is also called a choice without a choice.

Distract and switch the child. If at first the question or request caused a protest, but is still relevant, ask again after 5-10 minutes, when the child is distracted by something else. You can also modify the question and substitute your favorite characters – this way the chances of success will increase. For example, if a stubborn person does not want to take vitamin D, ask: “How would Peppa Pig swallow this vitamin? Show me!”

Allow your child to do things that are not dangerous for his life and health. This is how he learns, hones his skills, tries his hand. If the action doesn’t work out, this is an occasion to say “Try again” – this is how you show that one attempt is sometimes not enough, and form the beginnings of motivation. If the child succeeded, praise him: “Vasya, you did a great job cleaning the corn, you were able to do everything neatly” or “Look how well you grabbed the zipper with your fingers, you could unbutton the jacket yourself.”

The ability to eat yourself is an important skill. If the child does not ask for help, then let him eat himself, even if it takes a long time

The most difficult thing in this period is to learn to endure the child’s tantrums. During the tantrum itself, you can leave the room and thereby deprive it of the audience. Or, on the contrary, you can sit nearby and wait, hug or stroke the baby, if he allows you to do so. But after that it is worth telling the child that you love him in any way, but you need to behave differently. Give examples of how it could have been done differently.

At the age of three, the first rights and obligations can already be introduced. So, the child is already able to take his plate to the sink after eating or put his shoes on the shelf after a walk. Such small household chores are good for discipline and give the child a sense of inclusion in family affairs. Don’t forget about the rewards too. He agreed to put on a warm hat and gloves instead of thin ones, so he could walk and dig in the sandbox for half an hour longer. It’s like bargaining, but bargaining with a three-year-old can be useful.

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What to buy. At this age, you can try circles and sections: they will allow you to release excess energy. The most important thing is that it will no longer be you who will captivate, but a coach or teacher.

With three-year-olds, I recommend thinking more about sports and physical activity. For example, trampolines, gymnastics, swimming pool, first tryouts in football or hockey are suitable. Of course, if a child asks for a quiet activity like drawing, he should not be denied.

How do I plan to get through the crisis. My son will be three years old only next year. For now, I stock up on strategies for behavior in different situations that I can quickly pull out of memory and apply in practice.

What’s next

When the crisis of three years is over, there will be a respite. This does not mean that you will get a perfectly obedient child for the next few years. Conflicts will still arise, as will tantrums and episodes of disobedience. But the next serious crisis is expected only by the age of seven – by the time the child goes to school. Until then, the social situation of development and the leading activity of the child will not change.

To cope with difficulties from three to seven years old, simple rules will help: let the child express emotions, but be there and support him, and if necessary, talk through the situation and look for a solution together. Remember that the child is already able to understand you: you can agree or explain why you did this and not otherwise. It may not be easy, but everything will work out.

Remember

1. Crises pass, but new skills and relationships with the child remain.
2. Calmness and endurance of parents is one of the key guarantees of successful passage through all children’s crises.
3. Flexibility is our friend. Do not try to keep everything as it is, feel free to change the established way of life, taking into account the new needs and skills of the child.
4. Ask for help if you find yourself boiling over. Discuss important aspects of parenting with relatives in advance and feel free to delegate the child when possible.
5. A child is also a person with his own desires and interests. Listen to him, ask, talk and negotiate.
6. One of the main tasks of education is to help the child become independent. Give moderate freedom, introduce rules, gradually delegate minor responsibilities to older children.

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