Positive parenting at trinity: Positive Parenting At Trinity | DAVENPORT IA Licensed Center

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Principles for Positive Parenting – Child Development

Principle No. 1. A child who misbehaves is a demotivated child who has erroneous ideas about how to achieve his main goal – to establish a positive relationship with his parents.

If a child begins to misbehave, if he rebels or shows disrespect – know that in this way he pursues a completely different goal than the one that lies on the surface. The purpose of his bad behavior is to try to “reset” or re-establish a lost positive connection with you.

Therefore, you will not be able to effectively correct your child’s behavior as long as you focus solely on his bad behavior instead of directing your attention to correcting the child’s erroneous beliefs and re-establishing a positive connection with him.

Principle #2 will motivate bad behavior. Instead of focusing on your child’s mistakes, reward every step they take to improve their behavior.

Principle #3. A great way to encourage children is to regularly spend special time with them. Many parents note dramatic positive changes in the behavior of a “problem” child, devoting five to ten minutes a day to enjoy some joint activity with him.

By regularly spending special (individual) time with the child, he experiences a feeling of close connection with his parents. He feels important to them, and this reduces his need to play pranks, since pranks were an unconstructive way for him to restore or “reset” a positive connection with his parents.

Principle #4. As you put your children to bed each day, ask them to share their saddest and happiest moments of the day with you. And be sure to share yours too. You will be surprised at how much this helps.

Real life example: Before putting her children to bed, a mother asks them to share their saddest and happiest moments of the day. At first, her children used this opportunity to complain about upsetting events and ended up crying.

Mom patiently waited for them to calm down and then said, “I’m very glad that you can share your feelings with me. Tomorrow, when you’re not so upset, we’ll talk a little more about this to see what we can do about it. Now tell me about the good things that happened to you during the day.

If the children could not think about their good moments, mother shared with them her joyful events. After the children got used to this procedure, they began to talk about sad events without emotional distress, in essence, and then come up with ideas about how to avoid similar problems in the future. Soon there were more good things than bad things in the children’s stories.

Principle No. 5. Have regular family meetings to work out solutions to problems together. This is the key to creating an atmosphere of love and respect that will help children develop self-discipline, cooperation and problem-solving skills, as well as responsibility for the implementation of decisions made and commitments made.

Four Steps to Getting Your Child to Behave

• Discuss problems in a friendly atmosphere, allowing everyone to speak up and be heard.
• Use brainstorming to find possible solutions and choose the one that suits everyone.
• Set a deadline for fulfilling obligations (up to minutes).
• Keep in mind that children are children and it is quite possible that the deadlines for fulfilling their obligations will be violated, so just continue to stick to your side of the agreements, reminding the child of his obligations.

Principle #6. Don’t do for your children what they can do for themselves and don’t indulge in learned helplessness. Parents may sincerely not understand that when they do too much for their children (usually in the name of kindness and love), this greatly demotivates them and discourages them. A child can come to believe “I can’t” when adults diligently do for him what he could well do on his own. Therefore, try to give your children the opportunity to make a real contribution to the good of the family (clean the room, wash the dishes, take out the trash regularly, go shopping, etc. ) so that they can feel even more positive connection with their family and their ability to be one. useful.

Principle #7. Spend time teaching your children. Make sure the children understand what you mean by “clean up the kitchen.” Perhaps for them, it may simply mean putting dirty dishes in the sink. After you explain to the child the essence of what is required of him, ask him the question: “How did you understand your task?”.

Principle No. 8. Teach your child to be respectful of others and, above all, set an example of respect yourself. Be kind and firm at the same time. One way to achieve this is to treat the child with respect (be kind) and also respect yourself and the demands of the situation (be firm). These rules are hard to follow during a conflict, so use the following tip any time you get impatient.

Principle No. 9. Try to learn how to stop and take a breath. The right timing for solving a problem will increase your efficiency many times over. Trying to solve a problem during a verbal skirmish is always doomed to be unproductive. Also teach your children to stop in time, take a breath and calm down.

Instead of focusing on disrespect, focus on feelings. Say something like, “Obviously, you are very upset right now. It makes me sad when you say that. Let’s take a breath and calm down. We can talk later when we feel better. I’d like to hear how upset you are.” You (or the children) can go to a separate room and do something that makes you feel better, and then return to solving the problem with respect and taking into account the interests of all parties.

Principle #10. Get rid of the crazy idea that in order for children to behave better, you must first make them feel worse. Are you at your best when you feel humiliated? Even if you want to “put the child in a corner”, you must do it in a positive way.

Create a place for your child to feel good and recover from emotional imbalance (pillows, books, music, soft toys). Remember that children behave better when they feel better. Then you can ask the irritated child, “Do you think it will help you if you go to your corner and think about your behavior?”

Principle No. 11. Punishment works only if you are interested in stopping bad behavior here and now. In the long run, it causes resentment, rebellion, revenge, or sadness.

Principle No. 12. Explain to the children that mistakes are great opportunities to learn. When parents and teachers speak negatively about children’s mistakes (usually because they want to improve their behavior and performance), they are trying to motivate children to do something more for their own good. But at the same time they do not take into account the long-term results of their educational methods.

Isn’t it possible to say to a child: “You made a mistake. Very well! Let’s think about what we can learn from it? Effective work on mistakes consists of three successive stages – admitting a mistake, comprehensive reconciliation, which includes both reconciliation of parents with a child and a child with themselves, as well as developing a joint decision about the current situation. It is obvious that working on a solution to the problem without first reconciliation is completely unproductive.

Principle #13. Focus on the behavioral solutions to the problem, not the consequences. Many parents and teachers try to disguise punishment as a logical consequence of bad behavior. Involve children in finding a solution to the problem in a way that is relevant to the problem, respectful of the children, acceptable and helpful.

Principle #14. Most importantly, whenever you try to correct a child’s behavior, check to see if your words and actions help him feel your love and respect. Begin by saying, “I love you. I care about you and am concerned about this situation. Let’s work together to solve the problem that has arisen?

Use the tips above to show love and respect to your children. Good luck!

15 tips for positive parenting

Ideas for the home /
Family and children

Expert Debbie Godfrey says positive parenting is for “parents who want to discipline their children without breaking their spirit. ” The wording is beautiful, but what exactly lies behind it? Let’s take a closer look at the basics of positive parenting and see why we need it.

What exactly does the term “positive parenting” mean? First of all, this approach is based on mutual respect, which many parents overlook. Surely each of you at least once witnessed situations of disrespectful communication with a child. Some mothers and fathers demand respect from their children, while they themselves do not want to show it. But after all, we all know the folk wisdom that says: “As it comes around, it will respond.” If from an early age a child sees disregard for himself, for his aspirations, for his opinion, then over the years he himself will begin to treat his parents with contempt. At a young age (due to dependence on parents), children can hide their contempt behind a mask of humility. But as soon as they get older, a parent can say goodbye to a good attitude towards himself. And he himself will be to blame. In order not to be unfounded and to better understand the meaning of the described method, we should consider tips for positive parenting.

1. The right to feelings and expression of emotions

Of course, it is necessary to teach the child to control his emotions and avoid their violent manifestation in public. At the same time, it is necessary to explain why it is impossible to yell in line or shout, cry loudly, and so on. But you can’t stop the child’s mouth endlessly, forbidding, in principle, to show emotions. Mothers and fathers look like monsters, beating already upset children simply because they stumbled and fell. They are in pain and they have the right to cry out the pain. And such unfortunate parents only multiply suffering, forcing children to further hide their true feelings. Teach your child to adequately show emotions, as well as learn ways to calm the child.

2. Intangible rewards

It is necessary to encourage children, but encouragement can be wrong. For example, if the kid is a good student, you don’t need to buy expensive toys for every five. Otherwise, he will cease to be a good boy if, for some reason, his parents stop giving gifts. Encouragement can be expressed by verbal praise, a smile, hugs.

3. Communication at the level of the child

In the literal sense of the word – on the same level with him. When we always tower over children and talk down to them, they feel slavish and emotionally distant. If you need to discuss something and you want the child to be as imbued with your words as possible, then it is better to sit next to him so that you are on the same level.

4. Communicating in a child’s language

Consider the age of your children when you want to convey a message. Toddlers may not catch the meaning of a grandiloquent phrase with “adult” terminology. When communicating with a teenager, at times you can use his own slang (only without being rude). Speak the same language with children.

5. Handicap

Always give your child a head start to complete an assignment and remind them of deadlines. After all, you don’t like it when the authorities burst into your place with cries: “Immediately report to my table! I need it for yesterday! There is no need to put the child in the same situation. Let’s say he is going to a friend’s birthday party in the evening, and the room is not tidy. Remind him to clean in the morning, not 5 minutes before going out.

6. Reasonable motivation for expectations

It is important to clearly explain to the child why we want him to attend certain courses, study foreign languages, go in for sports, and so on. Give personal examples from life for greater clarity. Let’s say a child doesn’t want to attend English courses. See examples among your wealthy acquaintances whose successful professions require knowledge of the language. The child must understand that he is doing something not for the sake of parental whims, but for his secure future.

7. Empathy and sympathy

Show the children that you can hear them. Know how to put yourself in their place and show understanding, as well as show your approval if you agree with their opinion. Let’s say a child cries and begs for ice cream until lunch. Admit that you also want to eat ice cream, say that you understand it. But explain the consequences: ice cream on an empty stomach will cause stomach pain, one ice cream can make you fat, and so on.

8. Sense of humor

It is not at all necessary to constantly make a serious face. It is easier for children to remember life lessons in a positive way when they are accompanied by jokes. Smiling is one of the most effective parenting tools.

9. Reasonable Consequences

It is necessary to explain to a child from an early age that every action leads to consequences: good or bad. Remember the ancient “carrot and stick” method? The essence is the same, only the sticks and gingerbread will be figurative (children cannot be beaten). Many parents are so engrossed in imposing discipline in every little detail that they actively use the “whip” but completely forget about rewards for the child’s good behavior.

10. Dialogue instead of monologue

When discussing any problems, try to avoid pretentious reading of morality – it is like water off a duck’s back for a child. Instead of a monologue, it is better to focus on dialogue, involving children in a conversation. Ask your child important questions to get a response.

11. No to beatings

As we said above, children should not be beaten. Basically. Just think about this: a parent is the closest person to a child in the whole world. The parent is a protector and role model. What happens in the soul of a child when a “defender and role model” raises a hand against him? Physical pain turns into mental pain: resentment, anger accumulate, contempt and a feeling that you have been betrayed appear. Later, an adult child may begin to beat his children as well. We don’t want this, do we? Separately, I want to focus on the cuffs that are popular with many. Dear parents, do you think it is good to hit people on the head? Of course not. It may seem as if the blow was light, but even a tiny crack does not bring any benefit to the brain, but can backfire with a concussion. Conclusion: no assault!

12.

Keeping promises

One should not deceive a child by giving false hopes. For example, some parents promise to buy a dog or a bicycle if the child finishes the school year with an “excellent”, but in fact they are not even going to keep their promises. Are you waiting for the child to fulfill the given word? Then give him an example. If you can’t do something, then don’t promise it. It is important for a child to know that a parent’s word can be trusted 100%. If false promises are the norm, then children themselves will learn to deceive others, including their parents.

13. No toxic phrases

Almost every parent makes the mistake of using toxic phrases that send the child’s life away. These include: comparisons, blackmail, insults. Consider examples.

Phrases with comparisons: “But the children of other parents don’t behave like that”, “But my friend’s son teaches mathematics”, “But I already knew how to do it at your age!” and so on.

Designed to motivate the child to take action, such language makes him feel inferior in comparison to others.

Blackmail phrases: “No TV until you pass all the subjects with excellent marks”, “I carried you, gave birth, fed you, didn’t sleep at night, but you don’t appreciate it!” etc.

In the first case, the parent refuses to accept the obvious fact that the child may not have the ability to study certain subjects, so such blackmail is comparable to the demand to get the moon out of the sky. In the second case, the parent transfers responsibility for the decision not made by him to the child. The child did not ask him to carry and give birth, right? So why should he be grateful that mom and dad decided to become parents?

Offensive phrases: “You were not given a word”, “As long as you live under my roof and eat at my expense, no one asks for your opinion.”

The point, I think, is clear. And I am already silent about phrases with the use of obscene words that hurt a child more painfully than a knife.

14. Guarantee of unconditional support

The child must know that the parents will listen to him, help him solve the problem and support him in case of difficulties. Let me give you a sad example: I have a friend who has all the symptoms of a “mother”. When her child was still a toddler, she (always dissatisfied with her life) took out her anger on him over any trifle. Even for an accidentally broken cup, the child was generously poured on the pope, seasoning the punishment with selective abuse. But the punishment is undeserved, right? Each of us at least once accidentally broke something. All her acquaintances tried to explain to her the absurdity and danger of such a monstrous upbringing, but she always had only one reaction: “I am a mother, this is my child. I myself will decide how to educate him.” So, when the boy grew up, his mother began to complain that he was completely out of hand and did not share the news of his life. By chance, the mother found out that the child was expelled for constant absenteeism, that he smokes, works somewhere, and so on. Even at an early age, the child lost confidence in his mother, realizing that he would be punished and humiliated even in cases where he was not guilty of anything. Explain to the child that even if you are upset because of his misconduct, this does not mean that you will deprive him of your support.

15. Abstraction from one’s own problems

It is dangerous to bring up a child in moments when we are overwhelmed with personal feelings. If you quarreled with your spouse or you have problems at work, do not dump your negativity on your child. He is not to blame for anything. Learn ways to blow off steam without consequences, meditate, listen to collections of relaxing music – choose those relaxation methods that work for you personally. You will return to education as soon as you cope with your emotions.

Children are known to learn from their parents. There are cases when an older child made the right conclusions and rejected all the mistakes of the father and mother, but there are often situations when adult children completely copy the behavior of their parents, showing it in communication with others, their life partners and their own children.