Loving care for kids: The importance of loving care within children’s institutions — ScienceDaily

The importance of loving care within children’s institutions — ScienceDaily

Nurturing caregiving from a few consistent individuals helps to minimize the potential emotional and mental-health development issues that can arise from spending the early years of a child’s life in an institution. Within such facilities, infants and toddlers reared in daily contact with responsive and warm professionals display better physical, cognitive, and social development. After they are placed into families, they have less aggressive and defiant tendencies and show fewer externalizing behaviors.

These are the primary findings of a newly released study led by researchers within the University of Pittsburgh School of Education’s Office of Child Development. A follow-up report to a previous in-depth research endeavor, the study acknowledges that infants and toddlers who reside in traditional institutions for extended periods are more likely to exhibit internalizing and externalizing behavioral problems even after being placed into families for some years. The recent study sought to determine whether positive interventions in these institutions would be associated with improvements in their behavior after transitioning into family care.

“Unfortunately, many children around the world are reared in a regimented fashion by a large number of individuals who provide only the basics of care and support in a businesslike fashion with very little else — no response to crying, no conversation, no play, no hugs,” said Robert B. McCall, one of the study’s lead researchers and a co-director of Pitt’s Office of Child Development. “The typical neglectful institutional method minimizes sensitive and responsive caregiver-child relationships and produces chronic stress, which leads to higher rates of deficient development and behavioral patterns. Conversely, improved caregiver-child interactions and relationships might be expected to minimize such adverse outcomes, leading to happier and more well adjusted children. We believe these findings are potentially significant to professionals seeking to improve alternative care facilities and train their staff to care for the children in their care. “

“This research shows that the characteristics of typical family life are important contributors to the development of infants and toddlers, even when implemented in an institution,” said Christina J. Groark, lead researcher and a co-director of Pitt’s Office of Child Development. “The quality and consistency of early caregiver-child interactions appear to be the most important elements of childcare, regardless of whether the children live in an institution or a family.”

The study, conducted with Russian colleagues, observed the children, facilities, and personnel of three separate institutions — also known as Russian Baby Homes — in St. Petersburg, Russian Federation. Researchers followed 135 children who had spent at least three months in one of the three institutions. Participating children departed for domestic families either during the study or up to six years later and resided in those families for at least one year. The children were between 18 months and ten years of age.

For the study, one Baby Home was allowed to conduct business practices as usual — representative of the status quo — while the other two were asked to install specific childcare interventions. Staff members within the second facility were instructed to interact with the children in a “parent-like” manner — expressing warm, caring, and sensitive mannerisms — the same as they would with their own children. The third institution was asked to implement the same parent-like mannerism intervention as well as a series of caregiver-child policy changes. These changes included cutting the number of different caregivers the child experienced regularly and having those same one or two professionals consistently playing a role in the child’s daily life. In essence, the policy changes implemented in the second and third facilities looked to mimic parent-child relations as much as possible; in addition, the third Baby Home was made more “family-like” in operation.

When transferred into domestic families, researchers found that the parents of children from the intervention-implemented institutions rated them as being less indiscriminately friendly with strangers and that the children displayed fewer incidents of aggressive behavior, especially when compared to children who experienced longer stints in the status quo group home.

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Materials provided by University of Pittsburgh. Note: Content may be edited for style and length.

Loving Care Children’s Learning Center

(Un)Unconditional acceptance: why unhappy children grow up in loving families

Author of the Monsikov Academy methodology for developing emotional intelligence in children on how to learn to unconditionally accept your child and let him live his own life

In the first months of life the child does not separate himself from his mother, and therefore, as he grows up, he accepts her attitude as the most true, fundamental and irrefutable. So it turns out that mom is not just love and care. Mom is a colossal responsibility, a source of great opportunities or, on the contrary, great restrictions.

Love and acceptance are inextricably linked. This connection is manifested in all relationships, but especially in the relationship of parents and children. A child who is not accepted by the family will not be able to accept himself. Looking around, we see people who, even growing up, get stuck in their souls in this period of childish rejection. These are closed, constrained people who do not know what they want, have very low or too high self-esteem. They are potential victims or tyrants, deprived of their basic right to be themselves, having lost their talents and desires in the pursuit of parental approval. Even having matured and left the zone of family control, it is very difficult for such people to fulfill themselves. The attitudes instilled in the family usually last a lifetime and, what is most tragic, are very often passed on to their children. And this does not mean at all that such children are not loved. They are loved, but with a condition.

6 barriers to unconditional acceptance. Dedicated to loving mothers

But if we love our children, what prevents us from accepting them unconditionally? Imagine that six glass barriers were placed between you and your child: some are cloudy, some are colored, some are cracked. This is our expectations, ideas, conventions. Will we be able to see behind this screen his real childish feelings and manifestations? And almost every mother faces such barriers, because very often we ourselves are hostages of behavior patterns instilled in us in childhood.

1. Mom and her past. Relationships with parents in childhood have a strong influence on our actions and reactions in the present. It will be very difficult for a perfectionist child, for whom a score of “4” is a failure, to rebuild in the future from this model. And even if we once swore to ourselves not to do this to our children, we very often find ourselves with horror that we repeat their pattern of behavior. Unwittingly, we act out the “scripts” laid down by our parents.

What to do? First, accept yourself and your past. Forgive your parents and thank them for all their efforts and care. Even if your parents are not around, you can imagine their image and say everything that has accumulated over the years. Once children’s hurts and tears are forgiven, give them your unconditional love. So you will feel light.

2. Mom and her present

The state of dissatisfaction is familiar to many mothers after the birth of their first child. Boundless devotion to the new role of motherhood sooner or later leads to fatigue, dissatisfaction and even depression. And the feeling of guilt for the state that I can give the child only 20 minutes a day often leads to aggression, either on the child or on myself.

What to do? Learn to enjoy the here and now. Forgive yourself that communication with a child is only 20 minutes a day. The main thing is that in these moments you are completely with the child. And also determine for yourself the fundamental moments of joy that you do not want to lose and allocate at least a couple of hours a week for them. Will it be fitness, massage or meeting with friends – the main thing is that it gives you a new charge of strength and energy.

3. Mom and her future

Motherhood often imposes two of the most common thought patterns. The first involves fear of the future, when the mother is afraid of being unnecessary and unfulfilled, the second – when the mother completely dissolves in the child and connects her future only with him.

Destructive model “Who will need me later?” involves a whole range of tasks to develop goal-setting and strengthen self-esteem. For business moms, this often turns into a workaholism syndrome, in which we prove every second to ourselves and the world that right now this is the most important thing. So I’ll do it and then … But then it never comes. The most dangerous thing is that we feed this model at the level of hormones. In this way, we constantly stimulate the production of the hormone dopamine, a neurotransmitter that helps to better perceive and remember information. But if we constantly stimulate its production by quickly switching attention, filling things up, without balancing deep immersion, then the effect of “addiction” occurs.

What to do? Start by identifying what really brings pleasure. Write down 10 favorite activities on a piece of paper – reading books, meeting friends, shopping, etc. And then grab one verb from each sentence – meet, read, walk … Your task is to clearly understand what kind of ACTION is hidden behind each desire. Reformulating desires into actions allows you to clearly understand what exactly needs to be done in order to achieve success and feel joy.

With the syndrome of hyper-custody, the main danger lies in the fact that behind the future planned and drawn by the mother for the child, she does not see real feelings and his desires at all. As a rule, this is accompanied by excessive demands on children.

What to do? To determine the overprotective syndrome, do a simple exercise-experiment: take a rope with your spouse and pull it so that the child can climb over it. Each time, lift the rope higher and higher until the child can physically step over it. After that, pass the rope to the child and let him lead the height that you must overcome. Pay attention to how high, higher and higher he will lift it for you. If this height clearly exceeds your capabilities, think about it. After all, it is through play that children unconsciously “return” to us the demands that we make on them.

4. The child and his past

Often our perception of a child’s past is connected with the difficulties of the first year of his life. Despite strong love, this year is psychologically very difficult for mom. It is during this period that we are faced with a new rhythm of life, with the health of the child, with the difficulties of adaptation. Negative feelings and experiences of the past can leave a mark on the attitude towards the child in the present.

What to do? To understand that everything is behind us, and this colossal experience has already been worked out. Leave for yourself all the brightest and most pleasant memories of the first year of a child’s life, for example, in the form of a photo album, film or diary.

5. The child and his present

It is not easy to see a child at that age, in the condition and mood he is in now. After all, grandmothers, girlfriends, magazines impose their standards on us from the outside, and often our child may not meet them. This is where the main trap for the mother lies – involuntarily she begins to compare her own with other children, and if the child is still small, she seeks to instill in him a lot of new knowledge and skills and not notice the talents and abilities inherent in the child by nature, thereby violating the basic balance .

What to do? Recognize the right of the child to his individuality. Here the best helpers are the practices of developing emotional intelligence (EQ). It should be remembered that the child in the first years of life is interested in everything or almost everything. Give him the opportunity to choose the game, activity or activity that is most attractive to him at the moment. And forget templates. It is also important to teach your child how to properly express their emotions. You can start with yourself, and the child will follow the mother’s example. A simple phrase: “I feel _________ because ________, and I would like _________” will help to more accurately express both the joy from the moment of playing together and my fatigue after work, and, therefore, to build boundaries correctly.

With an enhanced parental “mode” of new knowledge and skills, it is important for a child to find an opportunity to convey new information to him in a soft, interesting, and most importantly, understandable way for him. For example, you can introduce your child to dinosaurs through drawing, reading, modeling, watching documentaries, visiting a museum, and putting on your own home performance.

6. The child and his future

The most difficult thing is to find a balance between the present and the future. Now you look at the child and see how something does not work out for him. But you have already imagined his dizzying career and success in the future. This state of inconsistency between his present and the future that you want to create for him makes it difficult to see real steps for growing up.

What to do? In fact, if you have already gone through the previous five steps, learned to hear and understand yourself, see and accept the uniqueness of your child, then this stage will be very easy for you. After all, whoever your child decides to become, the most important thing is his self-confidence, his ability to communicate with other people, his feeling of maternal support, and, of course, the belief that at any moment – the happiest or the most difficult – he will be able to return to you for this support.

Unfortunately, unhappy children in a loving family are far from being an exception. Happy children in a host and understanding family is the rule. At the moment when all barriers between you and the child are destroyed, you can see the true image of the child and love him with an accepting, pure and unconditional love.

“Sometimes I Wish It Wasn’t There”: Stories of Women Who Don’t Love Their Children and Motherhood

Talking about motherhood may not bring joy is not accepted, and many women experience postpartum depression and burnout, raise children alone and feel cut off from the outside world. We talked to heroines who do not feel happy as a mother and do not feel love for their children.

“I hate motherhood for having to constantly sacrifice myself for others”

Maria’s story

36 years old, lives in St. Petersburg, three children: the eldest is five years old, the middle one is three years old, the youngest is one year old

At sixteen, Maria left her parents for Moscow. Having entered the university, she began to engage in hiking and outdoor activities. In the summer, she led excursions around Solovki. The rest – traveled to different countries. This went on for fifteen years. And all this time, Maria did not think about children at all. But seven years ago, she decided to stay in Solovki for the winter – one woman offered to live in her house for free, and Maria agreed. There she met her future husband, four months later they got married, and Maria became pregnant almost immediately. At that time, she was deeply immersed in Orthodoxy, so she had thoughts about her family and children. But at the same time, both marriage and the first child, as the heroine now understands, were rash, spontaneous events.

Two years before her pregnancy, Maria had a very active life, she went in for yoga, sports, swam in an ice hole, went skiing. “I was in excellent physical shape. Apparently, the Lord gave me these two years of breathing room. Now I’m in terrible shape, I’m practically falling apart,” she says.

After giving birth, Maria didn’t have time to either get euphoric or depressed – she immediately returned to work, started moving and doing other things. Depression covered her later – six months later, when she began to stay alone with the child: “My husband was at work from 7 am to 8 pm, with one day off. I sat with the child all day long. All my childless friends have safely forgotten about me, as if I had ceased to exist. And that was the hardest part: the endless routine, my son’s colic and bad sleep.”

The husband always helped whenever possible — he, as Maria says, is one of the helping husbands. But still, the family lived according to the traditional distribution of roles: the man goes to work, the woman stays with the children. “Everyone thinks that this is the norm,” says Maria. – They constantly told me: “What are you complaining about, you are sitting at home with one child.” In fact, it’s hard, because I’m not in my life, there is only a child . As soon as I turn away, he starts squeaking. As soon as I start doing my own business, he immediately requires attention.

According to Daria Utkina, a psychologist, doula, and the author of the Take Care of Yourself project, the standards and expectations of mothers in the modern world are much higher than they were in the 20th century. Now they have to not only try hard, but also in no case go too far in their desire to be a good mother in the stream of intensive motherhood. And being just a housewife is no longer enough. At the same time, there are fewer and fewer traditional support practices: in many countries, gardens and nannies are expensive, decrees are short, and a normal family income should consist of two salaries. It often happens that grandparents are far away, there is no help, plus the city is not intended for children. “Against this background, it is difficult for women in the 21st century not to notice how dramatically expectations from them and reality do not coincide. Or they have to put in too much effort to meet these expectations,” Daria explains.

“Modern motherhood is becoming more and more diverse,” says sociologist Olga Savinskaya. – On the one hand, there is one trend for modernization – the desire for equality, changing the established roles in the family, a sense of the trends of the future. But in parallel with this, a conservative ideology is advancing to preserve the traditions and foundations that successfully existed in the past. People who share conservative principles consider them time-tested and therefore true. Seeing different practices and values ​​of parenthood around them, the younger generation is becoming more reflective: they are more and more thinking and making choices about how to build relationships with a spouse and a child. Therefore, instead of following traditions, they begin to follow their own individual path. It is this reflection that prompts public talk that motherhood is not easy and simple, it is hellish work . Women are talking more and more about how physically difficult it is: to endure, not to sleep, to be on the alert, to always remain positive towards a little person who still does not know how to take into account the needs of mother and father

Thoughts that Maria is tired of motherhood, finally came along with the third child. Three days before she found out she was pregnant, she sold her travel company. Left without support and being physically exhausted, Maria began to think about abortion, despite her religious beliefs. “We left everything and flew with my family to Thailand because I wanted to run away. There I already had toxicosis, and I physically felt that I was a child. And, of course, there could be no thought of any abortion.” Maria recalls that at that time she felt only confusion and fear for the future: “I thought what I would do with three children?! Only on the horizon appeared a way out to people, and here again these rags and diapers.

Maria never keeps her emotions to herself. She can send the children to another room, if she needs to mind her own business, she can shout. The husband condemns her: he does not like that she can sit on the phone instead of playing with the children, he does not accept when they raise their voice at the children. “If I’m tired or I need to be alone, I can even say it in a rude way. Unlike my husband, he endures to the last. He thinks that everything is for children. But I don’t: first I will eat myself, and then I will feed them. This is my burnout valve. I will send everyone if I want to sleep. I won’t play with them. I don’t know if this is good or bad. But I am quite open in my manifestations, even if this behavior is not accepted in society.”

“Most often, mothers experience burnout in Western countries where there is individualism, where women are more independent: the USA, Canada, European countries. The United States has the most burnout mothers,” says psychologist Alena Prihidko. – Of course, when a woman is tired, in particular, from trying to strive to meet the standards of a good mother and constantly worrying about her child, this leads to the fact that the mother is on the verge of exhaustion. And when you are exhausted, it is very difficult to feel the feeling of love.”

There are no statistics on maternal burnout in Russia. But Daria Utkina explains that out of the 1.5 million births that occur in the country every year, approximately 300 thousand women experience postpartum depression. About the same number, according to the first studies, experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after childbirth. Another part of them were extremely tired and burnt out. These are not separate groups, many are faced with everything at once, but someone gets one thing.

It is difficult for Mary to be a mother, because her children do not allow her to live the life to which she is accustomed and which brought her pleasure. But at the same time, she tries not to blame the children for this. “I love my children, but I hate motherhood,” Maria says. “Children touch me with their faces, stupid actions and funny jokes. I hate motherhood as such – for the need to constantly sacrifice yourself for the sake of others.

“I was terribly tired of sitting at home with them, playing these stupid games, cleaning up after them. Everyday life also plays a big role in this, because endless cleaning, which has no gratitude or feedback, is tiring.

You do everything automatically, like the attendants of your children. It’s hard for me to get emotionally involved in them. The older one wants to tell me something, the middle one wants to hear how beautiful she is, the younger one just needs physical contact. And it turns out that I’m fucked up and constantly touched by them.”

Maria is sure that it will never be easier for her . Perhaps it will become easier when the children grow up, but there will be other problems, for example, financial ones. All those close to her told her that it was hard only up to a year, and then it gradually became easier. But she doesn’t feel it.

“When I tell my mother that I hate my children, she replies: “Mash, these are your children. All this will pass, don’t think about it.” For some reason, we have such an attitude towards the feelings of mothers. That’s it, you gave birth – be patient. They were sitting with you, and now you are sitting.”

Among the different range of emotions that mothers experience, hatred is the most noticeable. “Any mother has an attitude that she must constantly feel love for her children,” says Alena Prihidko. – And for the first time, when she experiences a feeling of dislike, this event becomes very bright and frightening for her. She begins to analyze it for a long time and as a result can come to a variety of conclusions. Like thinking she’s a bad mother.”

“Now I’m trying to accept motherhood,” Maria says. Realize that for at least another fifteen years they will be children. I try not to forbid myself to feel all the emotions that I have. Perhaps this will help me become a full-fledged mother, and I will stop running away from my motherhood.

“You don’t have to tell me this will pass.

It doesn’t work for me”

Olga’s story

37 years old, lives in the USA, the eldest son is three years old, the youngest is one

“ When women say that it’s hard for them, it means that it’s hard for them . There is no need to say that everyone has it, ”says Olga, mother of two boys. She gave birth to her first son at 34. The boy is suspected of Asperger’s Syndrome (AS), which is expressed in problems of communication and social behavior, with concomitant dysfunction of sensory integration (this is a condition in which signals from different senses are not organized into an adequate behavioral response. – Approx. ed. .). He does not feel hungry until he has stomach pains. He does not understand when he wants to go to the toilet, he is afraid of loud sounds. Despite the fact that he can talk, he expresses his desires and negative feelings through hysteria, aggression or auto-aggression (causing psychological or physical harm to himself. – Note ed. ).

Before the birth of her son, Olga worked with children and knew that it was hard, that parenthood meant certain efforts and sacrifices. She understood that titanic work was behind the upbringing of a child, but at the same time she liked the children.

Immediately after giving birth, Olga did not feel the euphoria that many women talk about: “I only had a feeling of relief that it was finally over. Not to say that the birth was very difficult. I gave birth at home with a midwife. But the process itself was terrible. And when he was born, I exhaled.” In the first two weeks, Olga started having problems with breastfeeding. The child was constantly crying and slept very little. Up to seven months, she remembers only the constant cry of her son, there are practically no other memories. Then, when the baby learned to crawl, it became a little easier.

One of the manifestations of AS is lack of attachment. “It is hard to raise a child who is not attached to you. This is a very big problem. My son can run away at any moment, he can be cold and distant when talking to me – he doesn’t look into my eyes, doesn’t smile, doesn’t hug. Until the age of three, he screamed a lot. All his emotions were expressed through op. Imagine that there is a screaming person next to you all the time. He does not communicate with you in a different way, only through op. In our house, the glass is ringing from his screams. With him, as with no other, the proverb is true: what you sow, so you reap. And you need to sow a lot there.”

There were bright moments when the son behaved less anxiously. Sometimes it lasted for two or three weeks. Then Olga and her husband woke up with hope that everything could work out. But each time everything started anew: “ This is being in constant slavery . Your needs do not exist at all: neither to eat, nor to go to the toilet, nor to sleep – everything is ignored at any time of the day or night.

Olga had no help: up to a year she sat with her son all day long. The husband was at work during the day, grandparents did not help: “In the evenings, after work, the husband connected to the care of his son. He was very tired, he also began to burn out. As a result, we accumulated irritation with each other.” Olga tried her best to calm her son down, but there came a moment when her strength was running out. Then she simply went to another room to exhale herself, then returned and again consoled the baby for hours. When the baby learned to walk, Olga began to close herself in the bathroom with headphones. Almost none of her relatives could just listen and support her, everyone tried to give advice, insisting that “everything will soon pass.” Olga was always very annoyed by this: “You don’t need to tell me that this will pass. It doesn’t work for me. Yes, it becomes easier in some ways, but harder in some ways. In my case, in order for something to change for the better, constant titanic work is needed. I just want to be listened to: no comments, no evaluation, no advice. ”

Mothers often face devaluation of their experiences. At the same time, it is difficult to achieve empathy from the source of experiences – a child. “Moms need to learn to sympathize with themselves on their own,” says Alena Prihidko. – There is no point in waiting for sympathy from children – they are at a completely different level of development and are not capable of this until a certain age.

It is important to give yourself understanding and support. You can take care of yourself by talking to yourself the way you would talk to the person you love.

Or maybe even think about the fact that along with you, hundreds of thousands of mothers also experience the same feelings and get tired. In such cases, people are needed who can listen, give warmth and support. People who will help create a space where you can pour out your pain without being judgmental.”

Olga recalls that she was full of strength before childbirth and entered the role of mother with a good psychological resource. But a few months later, burnout began, followed by postpartum depression: “I keep everything in myself, I tried to work with a psychologist, but, unfortunately, it was unsuccessful. And my anger turns into auto-aggression. If I experience severe stress, then I begin to harm myself – I can open my fingers to the point of blood, for example: this calms me down. I won’t cut my hands, of course. But some obsessive movements calm me down.”

When the baby was two months old, Olga kissed him on the cheek, and he started crying because of it. Over time, she realized that it was impossible to hug her son again, because it was unpleasant for him. “He didn’t smile at us. Imagine that an aggressor has appeared in our life, how can we love him ?

All the time Olga was internally struggling with herself, experiencing constant emotional swings — from pity to hatred: “It seems that I’m about to push myself a little and I’m definitely going to love him. It seems you hold on, hold on – and fall down again. You scold yourself for not working out.” At the same time, Olga responsibly treats her mother’s duties: she spends a lot of time on classes with her son and education, does without screaming and punishment.

When the youngest son was born in Olga’s family, the eldest became jealous. She was afraid to leave the children alone in the room, even for a couple of minutes, because she knew that the eldest son could harm the youngest. He could run up and hit the kid with his head on his head. “I was blown away by the tower at such moments, I was ready to just strangle him right away and throw him out the window,” says Olga.

Almost all mothers have an attitude that children should be loved, Alena Prihidko explains. We are living people, and we can have a variety of emotions in relation to children. When mothers begin to scourge themselves for negative emotions, they enter a vicious circle: they got angry with the child, scolded him, and then themselves for being a bad mother. “Love is an emotion, all emotions are short-term, that is, they cannot last long. They last for tens of seconds, and then replace each other,” says Prihidko. – Love is the same emotion as shame, joy, fear. And it’s impossible to love a child 100% of the time. It is difficult for a tired mother to experience a feeling of love, because against the background of burnout, she has other feelings. When a child is the main cause of fatigue, then in relation to him, the mother can experience completely different emotions, including negative ones. For example, as the psychologist explains, anger is an absolutely normal negative reaction of a mother in a situation where a child does not obey because his behavior creates an obstacle for her. Anger arises when we want to change the way the other person thinks, and we want them to start thinking differently. If someone does not respect us, we get angry because we want to change it. The second common reason is injustice. And parents feel injustice all the time: they do a lot for children, but they do not appreciate it and do not reciprocate, because they are not yet capable of it.

Now, three years later, Olga admits that she was able to accept her son: “The theory of attachment helped me a lot. Even his behavior began to improve little by little. You can leave your husband, you can not communicate with your parents, but you can’t get away from the child. He was already born, already exists, even if you left him somewhere and abandoned him (which I can’t imagine at all), he still exists somewhere, and you bear this responsibility. You can divorce your husband and after a couple of years you no longer know where he is and what he is. It won’t work with a child.”

Many psychologists who specialize in motherhood work with attachment theory. It boils down to the fact that an adult takes full care of a child until the child can take care of himself. When an adult develops attachment, he feels responsible for the child – this helps the parent not only take care of the child and help him, but also enjoy this process. At the same time, attachment does not have to be associated with love. According to this theory, a child who receives enough care from an adult becomes independent more quickly.

When asked if Olga loves her son, she honestly answers: “During the first three years, I sincerely admitted to myself that I did not love my son. But I always wanted to love him.

Communicated with friends, asked for advice. I realized that many people are sailing in the same boat, they just do not admit it to themselves. In society, it is not customary to talk about the dislike of parents, especially mothers, for children.

“I would like society, especially in Russia, to reconsider their attitude towards mothers and motherhood,” says Olga. – This attitude “has given birth – stay at home” is felt in everything. Not everywhere there are changing tables, not everywhere there are places for a child, not everywhere you and your children are welcome at all. And the phrase “everyone is like that” is annoying. I remember that my girlfriends constantly told me: “Well, what are you doing, children – this is such a joy. ” And I thought that something was wrong with me, that I was so flawed. And it turns out that society sometimes hammers the last nail into the coffin. I think that I could have accepted my son much earlier if there were more caring people in my environment.”

“Sometimes I just want her to be gone”

Anna’s story (the name was changed at the request of the heroine)

41 years old, lives in Moscow, two children: the eldest daughter is fifteen years old, the youngest son is two

“There are problems in any motherhood, but when you raise a child without love for him, this is a prison,” says Anna. She gave birth to her first daughter at the age of 26 – due to problems with the reproductive cycle, the woman was sure that she would not be able to conceive a child without appropriate treatment. Therefore, the news of pregnancy came as a surprise to her.

“I had a severe stomach ache, I couldn’t wear tight clothing. And I thought I had a tumor or cancer. In such a state of terrible horror, I went to the doctor, and they told me that I was in my ninth week, ”says the woman. By that time, Anna was already thinking about parenthood, although she did not plan to become a mother in the near future. But she did not have any thoughts about abortion – she knew that in this case, she had too high a chance to be left without children at all.

Anna broke up with the father of the child at that time. He was younger, she did not have serious feelings for him. But after the news of the pregnancy, they got together, began to live together and soon got married. At that time, Anna was studying at a party at Moscow State University and she did not want to quit her studies. My husband’s mother came to the rescue – she took over all the main duties of caring for the child and around the house.

For almost the entire pregnancy, Anna and her husband were expecting a boy – this was shown by several ultrasounds done in different clinics. But in the seventh month, they suddenly found out that there would be a girl: “It seems that I then cried for a week. That is, yes, I realized that I have a living healthy girl in my stomach. But I mourned my boy. It may seem ridiculous, but at that moment it was a tragedy for my mind.”

“The birth was very difficult,” recalls Anna. – The doctor wanted to perform a caesarean section on me, although there were no indications for him. And I wanted to give birth myself. As a result, the process still did not go in the most natural way. I was alone, frightened, I was in pain: I lay under a drip at night, and the doctor went to bed. And when she woke up, the child already had hypoxia. Everyone immediately ran, took me to the operating room, and the doctor on the way said: “Well, I told you.”

Due to complications, Anna was only able to see her daughter three days after the birth. Against the background of all the other children, Sophia (name changed) for Anna was the most beautiful – the baby had smooth skin and long eyelashes. But the woman did not feel the feeling of closeness: “It seemed that she was simply given to me. A very pretty, cute baby. But what about me, it was not clear. There was no connection between us and no feeling that I was somehow involved in her appearance .

After arriving home, the feeling of alienation towards her daughter only intensified. According to Anna, the grandmother wanted a daughter all her life, and therefore she was extremely happy with her granddaughter. At some point, Anna felt like a guide through which Sophia came into the world for her grandmother and father. Since her grandmother practically took on the role of a mother, Anna was able to quickly return to her ordinary life – to study and work – without spending a lot of time caring for the child.

According to Daria Utkina, a mother can have a feeling of alienation towards her child for various reasons. The most common of them: unwanted child or unexpected pregnancy, pregnancy due to violence, prolonged separation from the child, when someone else becomes the main adult for him, emotional burnout, severe fatigue, depression (not necessarily postpartum). Sometimes a feeling of alienation towards a child can be a manifestation of a feeling of alienation in relation to any relatives in general. Most often, the formation of such an attitude is influenced by several factors at once, related both to the emotional state of the mother and her experience, and to the circumstances in which she finds herself.

Sophia grew up very sensitive. Anna recalls that when her daughter was a child, any difficulty immediately made her hysterical. “It annoyed me to the point of shaking, to hatred. When she screamed hysterically non-stop over some little thing, I yelled, “Get this away from me.”

When Sophia grew up, Anna began to understand that her and her daughter’s feelings were mutual: her daughter also did not give her as much warmth as her grandmother. Watching how her husband’s mother treats her child – with unconditional love and acceptance – and comparing this with her attitude, Anna began to think that she was a bad mother: “I always thought that I was a mother-shit – and I have a child that’s why he’s so hysterical. I constantly had thoughts that I should give it somewhere. I thought, let her grandmother adopt her, because I cope very badly with her. I am horrified when they leave me alone with a child.”

“I don’t love her, it’s hard for me, I’m not interested. At some point, I just wish it wasn’t there. She does not bring me anything good, but at the same time she takes a lot of things from me, ”says Anna.

She admits that there were times when she wanted to harm her daughter by screaming or spanking, knowing full well that these were unacceptable methods of education.

From an early age, the grandmother began to take the child on vacation to Moldova, where she had a dacha. Anna loved this time and did not suffer in separation from her daughter. When Sophia was ten years old, her parents divorced. “After the divorce, I had a real depression, but there was a very biased attitude towards psychiatry. I thought I could handle it myself, but I did it very badly,” says the heroine. Grandmother then moved to Crimea, built a house there and offered to take her granddaughter for the summer. Anna immediately agreed, because she was sure that her grandmother in Crimea is much better than her mother, who is struggling with depression, and her father, who cannot decide how to live on.

Sofia has left. First for the summer, and then her grandmother invited her to stay for another couple of months of warm autumn. As a result, winter came, Sofia went to school, then enrolled in an art school. Every time Anna asked her daughter if she wanted to return home, the girl answered that she would stay with her grandmother for a little longer. As a result, through joint discussions, it was decided that the daughter would come to visit Anna several times a year.

“This feeling of alienation does not go away, and I am not sure that it will ever go away. My daughter is an unkind, unempathetic child. With age, everything becomes easier, simply because she becomes more independent. You can negotiate with her, you can switch to some other business. There is no longer such a total dependence. But love does not suddenly arise, ”says Anna. She also remembers the bright moments spent with her daughter, when it seemed to her that they were getting closer. And the moments when Anna felt love towards her daughter. But, according to her, this feeling is very fragile. And when another conflict happens, emotional kickbacks happen very quickly.

This is exactly what happened on my daughter’s last visit. When Sophia arrives in Moscow, she lives with Anna, her husband and younger brother, whom she, according to the heroine, is jealous of. Once Sophia wanted to meet her dad, she and Anna agreed that during the day her daughter would do housework, and in the evening she would go to her dad. But it turned out that only one key remained at home. As soon as Anna told her daughter about this, she immediately burst into tears, called her father and said in hysterics that her mother was locking her at home. The ex-husband called Anna and threatened the police if she did not immediately let the child out of the house. “I was shaking and pounding all over, I let her go to my dad. And in a couple of days, through my grandmother, I find out that my daughter is going to live with her father, ”says the woman.

After this situation, Anna wrote a post in a Facebook group for mothers asking for advice on what to do when the child’s father threatens the police. She described her story in detail, and in 15 minutes, fifty angry comments appeared under the post that Anna was a disgusting mother, and her daughter was very unlucky.

Anna admits that they do not feel guilty, although she has a feeling that she should have felt it: “A mother who deviates and does not comply with some traditions and norms will be condemned. The fact that I gave my daughter to my grandmother automatically makes me a monster, and hers an unhappy and poor child. But if I grew her on my own, killing my and her psyche, would that be right?

“Women regret motherhood in different ways,” explains Daria Utkina. “There are quite a few who experience only this feeling. More often these are ambivalent experiences: and regret, and love, and anger, and joy. And this is what happens the hardest. Because many people think that motherhood is only happiness, and it is strange and bad to experience all other feelings .

It is very important for modern mothers to know that it is normal to be angry with a child or regret that with the appearance of a child in life there is less freedom and more responsibilities.

Anna has completely different feelings for her youngest son. Despite the fact that the birth was much more difficult, Anna lost a lot of blood and ended up in intensive care. But when she saw her son, she immediately felt a connection that she did not feel with her eldest daughter: “There were completely different feelings. Engagement immediately appeared: I knew this was my child, I gave birth to him.

Now Anna regrets that she cannot have the same feelings for her daughter. She worries that her daughter cannot be close to her in the same way as with her grandmother. But she is sure that she has chosen the best layout for herself and for her.

Anna believes that involvement in a child is a guarantee of happy motherhood: “When you have it, even if it’s hard for you, you understand why you endure all this. And if there is no inclusion, then this is hard labor – you just have to wait until the child grows up, goes into adulthood, and you become free. And there are no guarantees that this involvement will arise in every mother. This violation of chemistry can appear at any time. And it is not clear what mothers should do in such situations. Knowing the theory of attachment and understanding that the child will not always be like this helped me a lot, she will grow up and change. And in general, understanding the psychology of childhood and upbringing can help reduce the level of adverse interaction with the child. Now I know how to make our relationship less traumatic and more acceptable, so that I myself can sow the ground for the healthy development of my child.