How to get your child to tell the truth: 5 Ways to Encourage Your Kids to Tell The Truth

5 Ways to Encourage Your Kids to Tell The Truth

My grandmother used to tell me about a parenting strategy she used to us to get my mom and uncles to tell the truth when they were kids.

If she suspected one of her children was lying, she would line them up and tell them that she was going to inspect their foreheads. Every time one of the kids asked why, she simply said, “Because when I see your forehead, I can tell who’s telling the truth or not.”

Inevitably, as she went down the line, the child who was lying would cover their forehead so my grandma couldn’t see. Then my grandmother would proceed to them and say “So it was you. Now I know.”

Clearly, she was a genius.

I suppose using a game of deception to encourage honesty might not be the best parenting idea going, but you have to give her points for ingenuity.

What my grandmother struggled with is what every parent struggles with: how do I get my kids to be honest?

I suppose some of you have some parenting tricks you’d love to share (we’re all ears here), but here are a few strategies that can help you foster the kind of atmosphere that values truth:

1. Start talking about honesty early. If you begin the conversation early, you can establish honesty as a core value in your home. You can reward a toddler’s behavior every time they tell you they did something bad. Well that wasn’t right and we’ll have to do something about it, but I’m SO glad you told me the truth. Thank you! That’s so important!

2. Discourage dishonesty even more than you discourage the crime. We all make mistakes. But we don’t have to lie about them.   If your child does something wrong, consequences are in order. But if they lie about what they did, make the consequences greater. If all you do is punish the act, you might be giving them unspoken incentive to lie about the act.

3. Don’t lie. I was going to say this more tactfully, but maybe we need to be direct. Almost all of us tell white lies from time to time. Ever been caught  in front of your kids trying to come up with an excuse to get out of something? Oh, just tell them you’re busy, I know you really don’t want to go. Or maybe your kids have overheard you talking about how to get that ‘extra’ day off on your vacation. Well, you could call in sick. Ouch. They model what you do more than they model what you say.

4. Search for a way to tell the truth. While this might not work well with two-year-old, but as your kids get older, explain the dilemma you find yourself in when you are tempted to tell a ‘white lie’. For example, you might say, “I really want to tell her I liked the brocoli salad, but I didn’t. So I found the things I did like and told her about that. . . such as, “I so appreciate all the time and effort you put into making the meal. Thank you!” It teaches your kids to search for a way to tell the truth when we all have trouble finding it. And it teaches them to value honesty in every situation.

5. Talk about your struggles. As your kids get older, talk about your struggles to tell the truth. Tell them about how easy it is to lie in order to not hurt someone’s feelings, and how you really have to wrestle with being 100% honest at work in every situation. When you let them know it’s still a struggle for you, it validates the struggle they feel within themselves. It’s also another way to establish the value of honesty as a core value not just in your home, but in your lives.

What are you learning about valuing honesty in your home? What would you add to the discussion?

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Fight For The Heart, Imagine The End, Make It Personal

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Carey Nieuwhof

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Carey Nieuwhof is a bestselling leadership author, speaker, podcaster, and former attorney. He hosts one of today’s most influential leadership podcasts. His podcast, blog and online content are accessed by leaders over 1.5 million times each month. He speaks to leaders around the world about leadership, change and personal growth. Carey and his wife, Toni, live north of Toronto.

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Encouraging Children to Tell the Truth

Behavior

At times, your child confuses what they imagine with what is actually true and can spin some tall tales as a result. When children use their imagination to explore different behaviors, they’re less likely to act them out in real life. Sometimes telling a lie allows your child to get what he or she wants or to avoid consequences.

Remember: Your child is still figuring out what “truth” means and “lying” is a normal part of development. However, her are a few ways to motivate your child to tell the truth.

• Help your child become better at telling fantasy from reality. When your child shares fantasies with you, point out what’s real and what isn’t, but don’t insist that he or she agree with you. Remember, it is still important to celebrate your child’s growing imagination.

• Use your child’s fantasy stories to understand them better. Ask your child to share their feelings and fantasy life by asking questions. “Wow! You have three baby sisters. What is it like to live with so many babies?” Support his or her feelings. “That made you angry because you wanted book time and daddy had to feed all those babies. What did you do then?”

• Make it clear that lying is usually worse than the crime. Children lie to avoid losing a privilege. Give two consequences, one for the action that occurred and one for lying, and it will be more likely to encourage the truth next time. Make consequences less severe if your child tells you he or she lied. 

• Don’t investigate or accuse. This makes your child feel like they can’t be trusted, or that they are bad. When you know your child is lying, don’t ask directly to try and catch them in a lie. Forcing the truth out of your child doesn’t encourage them to take responsibility for bad behavior on their own. Pressuring your child to admit a lie increase lying behavior in the future.

• Make it easy to tell the truth. Respond calmly to your child’s mistakes and problems. Your angry responses encourage your child to lie. Instead, say something like, “let’s try and get the marker lines you drew on the table off together.” This allows your child to admit to their mistake, giving you the chance to praise his or her willingness to accept responsibility.

• Model truth telling. Tell the truth in front of your child. Your child’s thinking is black and white, and they don’t understand concept of a “white lie.” 

• Read the story of the boy who cried wolf with your child. Talk about the some consequences of lying.

• Avoid shaming and blaming. “Catching” your child in a lie will put him or her on the defensive. Catching your child in a lie only teaches them how to become better at lying in the future.

• Teach your children that telling the truth takes courage. Support your child and talk about how hard it can be to tell the truth. Offer praise about how brave they are to tell the truth before any consequences.

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More in 4 years: Behavior

5 tips for parents on how to convince a child to tell the truth when necessary / AdMe

Any parent, one way or another, is faced with the fact that the child is telling a lie. And this is normal, because this is how children develop their imagination and, oddly enough, socialize. But what to do if you suspect that your child could get into a dangerous situation when a lie can harm: he is being bullied at school, someone is pestering him, the teacher did something bad and forbade him to speak, he got into a fight with someone and hides. How to help him not to deceive, but to tell you the truth?

We at ADME decided to figure out how to help a child in such situations to open up and tell everything as it is.

1. Choose your words carefully

Try not to react negatively to your child’s behavior with yelling, threats, and punishment. You will blow off steam, but your behavior will cause fear in your child. Watch your tone and try not to use accusatory words (“stole”, “lied”, “disappointed”). Think together how you can correct the misconduct: let the child find a way out of the situation under your strict guidance. Let him know that, despite the fact that he deceived, you still remain a family and you are together.

2. Reducing fears

The main reason for not wanting to admit one’s actions is fear . Fear of being punished, misunderstood, ashamed, disappointing a loved one or evoking negative emotions and reactions in him. Help your child overcome this fear. Show him that if necessary, you can protect him, support him morally.

Set the child on a trusting tone. For example, say: “If you tell me what happened, then only I will know about it. ” Or convince him that if he tells the truth, then punishment will not await him: “I will not be angry with you”, “I will definitely understand.”

3. Let the child save face

Don’t ask questions you already know the answer to. For example, instead of the threatening “Have you done your homework yet?” try asking, “When are you going to finish doing your homework?” If the child really hasn’t done their homework yet, they can save face and tell you their plan instead of making up lies.

4. Show that you are on his side

All the same fear, but on the other hand: fear not of punishment as such, but of your emotional reaction – condemnation, disappointment, misunderstanding. Show empathy. Show that you understand, or try to understand the child if he tells you the truth. Let’s say you notice that your son is skipping classes. You could start talking about it like this: “You will, of course, deny the fact that you are truant. But I understand you perfectly. ”

Let the child understand that if he opens up to you, then nothing terrible will happen. We are afraid to tell the truth, expecting punishment or backlash. But if you manage to show that the consequences will not be as dire as your child expects, then he will trust you.

5. Appreciate honesty

“Mommy, I’m going to tell you something now, but don’t swear” — when you hear such a phrase, does everything inside shrink in anticipation of something negative? Before reacting aggressively to what has been said, realize that the child, realizing that he committed a misconduct and that punishment may await him, nevertheless told you the truth. This is important and should be encouraged – tell the child that you appreciate his sincerity and help correct the consequences of his act.

Often the child first lies, and later decides to tell the truth – parents, instead of appreciating the child’s confession, still emphasize that he lied. The child concludes: “It makes no difference whether I’m lying or telling the truth – I am punished anyway. ” In order for a child to understand that it is important to tell the truth and that admitting one’s mistakes will not lead to punishment, one must evaluate and encourage his honesty.

We sincerely hope that our advice will help you to become even closer with your children and achieve mutual understanding, regardless of the situation.

Bright Side/Psychology/5 tips for parents on how to convince a child to tell the truth when it is necessary

Why do children lie? Seven Ways to Get Them to Tell the Truth

The first lie heard from a small child comes as a complete surprise to parents. Fortunately, you can still remedy the situation by slightly changing your parenting style.

Anna Stepsyura

One of the most obvious reasons why children lie is the fear of being punished for what they have done. It is difficult for a child to be honest if he knows that in return he will face physical force, humiliation or reproaches. It’s hard to blame the kids for this – we ourselves do the same thing if we encounter an angry boss at work.

Another reason for cheating is that the child is afraid of losing your good attitude towards him. None of the children wants to disappoint their parents – they would rather lie than let you think badly of them.

And finally, children are always interested in feedback – which is why they often tell outlandish stories to impress.

Unfortunately, the practice of severe punishment for lying creates a vicious cycle: the more you scold them, the less they will want to tell the truth next time. Instead, try to create a safe environment for your child to feel comfortable telling the truth.

Here are seven ways to achieve this.

1. Don’t shout

If your kids are screaming at the slightest infraction, they don’t feel safe to tell you the truth. Try to always talk to your child in a calm voice (although this can be very, very difficult). And focus on always looking for the solution to the problem, not the one to blame.

2. Let your child save face

Never ask questions to which you already know the answer. For example, instead of the threatening “Have you finished your homework yet?” try asking “What are you going to do to finish your homework?” If the child really hasn’t done his homework yet, he can save face by telling you his plan instead of inventing lies.

3. Focus on his feelings

If the child is lying, try to understand why he decided that he could not be honest with you. And instead of immediately accusing him of lying, say: “This sounds like a story made up especially for me. You must be afraid to tell the truth. Let’s discuss this.” In return, you will receive an honest answer and a lot of useful information that will help you better understand your child.

4. Appreciate honesty

If the children told the truth (even the unpleasant one), give them credit: “It must have been difficult for you to decide to tell me what really happened. I respect your courage, this is an adult act.

5. Forgive mistakes

Mistakes are a way to make the right choice in the future. If children know that you will not be angry or disappointed, they will be honest with you. Try to talk about how the child would act in the future if the same thing happened to him? What would he do differently? If your child’s actions somehow affected other people, be sure to discuss this with him.

6. Love children

Tell your children more often that you love and will love them, no matter what they do. There is nothing that can change your love.

7. Don’t lie yourself

Remember that small eyes and ears are always on the alert.