Explaining trust to a child: Trust, as explained by kids – The Thought Co.

Trust, as explained by kids – The Thought Co.

“I trust you.”

We know that these are important words that are laced with a lot of emotion. In fact, these exact words can make or break relationships, organisations, countries and sometimes, even governments. As you can tell, the impact of trust (or distrust) can be monumental. 

Okay, you get it. These three words can mean a lot but what do they actually mean?

Now that might seem difficult to articulate. Whenever something is difficult to explain, I look at how a child would best describe it. So I went ahead and did just that. I asked a few kids and watched a couple of Youtube videos of children explaining what trust means to them and it’s really cool what amazing insights they had in store for me!

According to most children, trust is about having someone who’s there for you or believes in you; so you end up feeling happier when people trust you, but at the same time, it might feel like you have nobody in your corner if they don’t. No surprises there, I couldn’t have put up a better definition of trust myself.

Another point that some of them mentioned is that although at first it might be hard to trust someone, it only gets easier and easier over time. This ‘difficulty’ (to me) meant that there is an element of risk and vulnerability involved in trusting someone. But is this risk really worth it ? Do you choose to make something you care about vulnerable to the actions of others? 

But what happens when there is mistrust? Our attempts to connect or even our relationships often become tangled with fear, suspicion, dread and doubt. So, when we are struggling with trust in our relationships, it’s important to actually talk about it – which might seem difficult to do since trust feels like such an ambiguous entity! 

My favourite way to talk about the components of trust and demystify them is using an acronym formed by researcher Brene Brown. It’s called BRAVING. 

B (Boundaries): Explaining your do’s and don’ts and respecting another person’s do’s and don’ts.

R (Reliability): The assurity that you will back your words with actions. In short, practising what you preach. 

A (Accountability): Acknowledging your mistakes with others and taking responsibility for them. This involves apologising and making amends. 

V (Vault): Keeping confidential information, confidential no matter what. Assuring anonymity when confidentiality is asked for is not enough. A quick example: when a person shares a story that they said was a secret, it makes it your responsibility to keep that story safe, as if it were  in a vault. Being anonymous about the person’s identity but sharing the story without permission is a breach of trust. 

I (Integrity): Practising your values, choosing what is right over what is convenient, fun or fast, and choosing courage over comfort. 

N (Non-Judgemental): Sharing what we feel and asking for what we need without feeling or being criticised or judged.  

G (Generosity): Reading kind intent to situations, words and actions. An example of this would be a trusted friend not calling on your birthday knowing that they care about you and that you can share how you felt and hear them out too.

Meet The Author 

Zahra is a mental health practitioner with a specialisation in clinical psychology. She has completed her training in Mumbai and London. She is experienced in working with children, adolescents and young adults in various clinical setups. Her research interests lie in adapting therapeutic techniques to individuals with neuro-developmental disorders. She also volunteers for NGOs aimed at social change. She believes addressing both the psychological and social aspects of an individual.

Zahra Diwan, Psychologist

Developing Trust in Kids Ages 8-11

Social Skills

Trust is an important part of every good relationship.

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By Michelle Balani

Trust is an important part of every good relationship, and as your child grows, he is learning about the role that this value plays in his social interactions. You can nurture his ability to trust by creating a supportive environment, actively listening, and following through on the promises you make. You are your child’s primary relationship and have the role of teaching him what it is to be able to trust someone. By doing this, you are showing him what a trusting relationship looks like, and you are helping to form the foundation on which all his future relationships will be built.

Take time to talk with your child, allow him to ask questions, and provide him with honest answers. Making your child feel like his voice matters and will be heard is a building block for his sense of trust and validation. Acknowledge him when he acts in a responsible and trustworthy manner, and communicate with him clearly and firmly when he does something to damage that trust. Make sure that he knows that you will be there for him if he is faced with a problem or conflict, but try not to overreact, as this may cause your child not to want to share information with you. Children don’t want to escalate the situation and create an even bigger problem, and in these moments, it is best to trust your child’s ability to make the appropriate decisions. For example, if your child comes to you with a problem that he is having with one of his classmates, you should ask him about how he wants to solve the issue and support him with making a decision, but try not to make it for him. Being truthful and candid with one another allows the trust to grow, and helps you forge a relationship built on openness and honesty.

Continue talking to your child about the role that trust plays in all relationships. As your child gets older, he’ll continue to develop more friendships, but you have more influence over your child’s friendships than you may think. If you teach him how important it is to be honest to friends and that he should expect honesty in return, you are helping him define what a trusting relationship looks like. This can also get him to understand that he does not need to associate with friends who are untrustworthy. Try not to share private conversations you have with your child with others. Your child needs to know that he can trust you, and by allowing what he says to you to remain private, you are showing him that he can confide in you. Along those lines, your child may have some secrets that he doesn’t want to share with you, and you need to trust him enough to allow him to keep them to herself. Unless you suspect he is hiding something that could cause him harm, allow him to keep some matters private, as this will help solidify the trust between the two of you.

Parent Toolkit resources were developed by NBC News Learn with the help of subject-matter experts, including Maurice Elias, Director, Rutgers Social-Emotional and Character Development Lab; Jennifer Miller, Author, Confident Parents, Confident Kids; and Michele Borba, Author and Educational Psychologist.

Michelle Balani

Relationships based on trust: how and why to build them with children – magazine



Trust is an open, positive relationship between people. When a person trusts someone, he is confident in the decency and goodwill of the other. Trust is considered the basis of all social institutions, including the family. Parents often seek to control all the activities of their children in order to protect them from possible dangers. For example, they can read the correspondence of their children, follow them, because of which they completely lose the trust of the child. How to build a relationship with a child based on trust, and why this is necessary – we dealt with psychologist Tasya Osadchaya.

Basic trust is formed in a child during the first year of life. This trust is closely related to the mother or her surrogate. In the first year of life, a child cannot physically or emotionally survive without a person to whom he completely trusts himself.

Basic trust is closely related to the phenomenon of unconditional love. Unconditional love is love without conditions, when a child is loved simply for what he is. Subsequently, the presence or absence of unconditional love and basic trust affects the overall trust of a person in the universe.

To build a sense of trust, it is also important that the mother (or another significant adult) shows her feelings and emotions: laugh when she is happy and sad when she is bad. So the child will learn to trust not only others, but also himself: to trust his own eyes and feelings.

Trust between parents and child is definitely a reality that all families need. However, trust between parents and children is different from trust between two adults. It is difficult to argue that parents and children have different rights and obligations, and therefore the level of their responsibility also differs. Up to a certain age, parents are fully responsible for the child and for how his comfort is ensured.

A three-year-old girl can definitely choose which dress to wear: blue or purple. However, if it gets colder outside and the next day it’s not 25 degrees Celsius, but only 15, then a child at that age is unlikely to make the right decision about appropriate clothing. Therefore, parents can and should connect their responsibility and, in addition to the dress, put a sweater on the child.

This does not mean that the child is not trusted, but only that they want comfort for him. In this case, a manifestation of trust can be such a phrase: “You put on a sweater because it’s cool today. If you get hot, you can take it off.” Parents trust the child, but also ensure his comfort, and the child hears an honest explanation of the situation, which also stimulates trust.

Relationships between parents and children should be built on trust when they share their thoughts, emotions and experiences. On the other hand, trust between a child and an adult is different from trust between two adults, so it is not necessary to involve children in some topics, such as problems in relationships between parents.

Trust has its limits. Telling mom how sad and how she feels is good, but the door to the parent’s bedroom must be kept closed.

Trust between parents and children is about finding a balance and setting specific boundaries. With age, these boundaries change and the range of topics that need to be talked about and the choices that a child can make will expand. It would never occur to anyone to give meat to a newborn child, because he is simply not ready for this. It is the same with the balance of trust and responsibility.

Trust is often confused with permissiveness. It seems that if you completely trust the child, then it will become impossible to control him. In order to not have to control, and it became easier to trust, it is worth building very clear boundaries for the child.

Boundaries are the understanding of what behavior and under what conditions is acceptable and unacceptable. So the child will have a pile of freedom, but within understandable limits for him.

Parents should also adhere to such boundaries. If the child has his own room, then before entering, you should always knock, and if the child does not want to let his parents into his room, then this is his right, since these are his personal boundaries.

To avoid permissiveness, the child must also understand that all his actions have certain consequences. If he said unpleasant things to someone, he should understand that this person will be offended by him. Parents should not solve conflicts instead of the child, but give him tools or advice on how to behave in a given situation. This is trust, confidence that the child will be able to cope on his own. If the child understands the consequences of his actions, he will feel independent, and parents will trust the decisions that he makes. This skill will certainly be needed in adulthood.

People generally don’t trust each other for no reason. Adults are unlikely to share their secrets with strangers or tell neighbors where they keep their money. In the relationship between parents and children, the situation is exactly the same: trust is not born out of nothing.

Learning to trust a child and make him trust his parents is a long journey, but it will definitely have a positive impact on family relationships and on the child’s future life. So what do you do to create a relationship based on trust?

1. Be honest. Honest parents speak sincerely about their feelings. If dad or mom is angry, then they should talk about it and explain why. How can a child learn to be honest if his parents are not sincere themselves?
2. Accept the child as he is. In order for a child to learn to trust his parents, they must understand that there are no good or bad experiences. The child must know that all his emotions are important, be able to share them with his parents and not be afraid that he will no longer be loved if he is sad or hurt. The child will definitely feel whether he is loved even in dirty clothes and with sand in his head, and in adolescence – with a broken heart and bad grades.
3. Build clear boundaries. Understandable boundaries for the child will help him to exercise his freedom and remove most of the anxiety of parents. A small child should know from which shelves he can take things, and from which not, and a teenager – at what time should he return home and why. These boundaries should be specific and unambiguous. It cannot be that today something is allowed, and tomorrow they are punished for it.
4. Communicate with the child. Parents are sometimes surprised that the child does not talk about what happened to him in kindergarten or school, but to the question “How was your day?” simply responds with “OK”. In this case, parents should pay attention to themselves. Think about whether your children know what you do and how your days go? If not, then you need to start with yourself and talk about your day every day, because only in this way will children learn to do the same. A child learns to use a spoon by watching his parents do it. He also learns how to communicate.
5. Take a child’s feelings seriously. For example, a toy was taken away from a child, and he comes to his parents in tears. They don’t react to it because the problem doesn’t seem real to them. Yes, at 35 it’s not a problem, but at 5 it’s a real disaster. The child’s experiences should be taken seriously, not devalued, and, if necessary, help find a way out of the situation.

Developing a sincere relationship based on trust is worth it from the very birth of a child. Real acceptance of the child and communication with him will help develop open and honest relationships in the family. Trust between parents and a child is one of the most important components of the formation of a healthy personality.

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Mentor » Blog Archive » How to win a child’s trust?

Trust and love give rise to a feeling of comfort and security in a person. Surrounded by this reliable warmth, the child gains faith in his abilities, calmly grows and develops, learns the world. But children won’t trust their parents just because they have to. In order for the feeling of trust to become stable, it needs to be repeated many times in the mind. How to win and keep the trust of a child? Psychologist Sarah Radcliffe gives good advice to parents on this matter. Here are some of them:

1. Prepare your child for life – this is the real care of him. Parents should instill in their children practical skills in various areas of life, as well as explain what they will do and experience in the future. For example, a child needs to do inhalations for the first time in a clinic. When they put him at the table, put on a mask, he can simply be horrified. Such a reaction can be easily avoided if you tell the child in advance what exactly (and why) they will do with him in the clinic. You can bring the child there in advance and show how this procedure is carried out with other children; it is possible to recreate the entire procedure while playing “hospital”. Everything will help ease the child’s anxiety and fear of the unknown. When children manage to do something on their own, but under the guidance of adults, they involuntarily begin to trust their father and mother, their life experience. They gain confidence that they will not be abandoned and will always provide help and support.

2. Satisfy your child’s need for companionship. Willingness to communicate with your child is another way to gain his trust. A son or daughter feels secure if he knows that he can always turn to his parents with any questions, with his experiences, discoveries and anxieties. It is important to let the child feel that he has someone to rely on, that at the right time there will be a person nearby who is able to understand and accept any information, help with advice, and provide support.

Not only does a small child need frequent contact with their parents, but a teenager also needs to communicate with them. Children who study away from home may also treat their parents with trust and love, but their feelings are largely based on memories and impressions of the past. In rare moments of communication with such children, parents should show maximum participation and interest in their lives, their problems and anxieties.

3. Be predictable to your child. The predictability of a person, that is, his ability to act as expected of him, already inspires confidence in itself. If the child knows exactly how the parents will react to a certain situation, he can anticipate the possible consequences of his various actions and adjust his behavior accordingly. And vice versa. When a child cannot foresee the consequences of his behavior, not only his trust in his parents is put at risk, but also elementary mental health. For example, one time the daughter receives praise for helping to prepare dinner, and the other time she listens to dissatisfied statements (“Don’t bother me, I’m in a hurry!”, “Don’t touch anything!”). It is already difficult for him to understand what to expect from his mother in response to his actions and what is required of him. Such insecurity can lead to a loss of mental stability and a sense of security.

4. Always keep your promises. There is no greater obstacle to gaining trust than a broken promise. By promising, we instill hope in the child: “if you behave well, then on the weekend we will go to the cinema with you” or “if you help me clean the apartment, we will have time to go to the carousel”. It is necessary to keep your word and fulfill the promises made to the child. However, children perceive as a promise any of our statements relating to the future: “Today for dinner I will cook mashed potatoes with meatballs” or “I will arrive in an hour.” We don’t have to say the word “promise” for the child to accept it as such. If you announce an upcoming event, the child takes it as your promise. When the waiting process ends with the successful implementation of plans, he is satisfied and strengthened in the thought that you can be trusted.

It is very difficult for children to understand and accept explanations for broken promises, no matter how objective they may be. It should be remembered that the child is waiting for everything to happen exactly as you said. If he does not wait, this is a clear sign that his trust in you has been lost.

5. Be honest with your children. In all our dealings we must be honest and truthful, especially in dealing with children. This is important for two reasons: we serve as an example for them, and honesty creates the basis for their trust. Most parents believe that they never use lies in their lives. However, many of our statements cannot be considered impeccably truthful: “If you behave badly, a policeman will come and take you away”, “If you don’t go home now, I’ll leave you to spend the night in kindergarten!”. It is enough for a growing person to hear several times how parents tell a lie, or inaccurately convey facts – and the lesson will already be learned.

6. Do not discuss your child with strangers. Many parents, believing that children do not have the same sensitivity as adults, allow themselves to discuss the shortcomings of their son (or daughter) in his own presence. The punishment received at home is quite enough for the child, there is no need to shame him in front of his acquaintances, who will subsequently begin to treat him with a certain prejudice. If the behavior of the child really upsets and worries the parents, they can discuss this problem with each other, consult with a specialist.

7. Respect your children’s feelings. Even as a joke, one should not say hurtful words to a child. It’s not very pleasant to feel like an object of ridicule. Try not to give your children “joking” nicknames; under the guise of humor, they will be able to recognize the causticity. The sense of human dignity also suffers when people are put in an awkward position – especially in the presence of others. The humiliation that children experience from such scenes hurts them, and the older the child, the more respectful attitude he requires; avoid making comments to him in front of strangers, especially with peers. Parents who do not consider their children’s feelings risk losing their trust.

8. Accept your child as they are. Sincere acceptance is, first of all, awareness of the limits of one’s possibilities.