My teen daughter is jealous of my new baby: New baby: helping children & teens adjust

Dealing with challenging behaviour when a new baby arrives

5min read

Many children experience feelings of jealousy towards their new brother or sister, and may convey these feelings through resorting to more ‘babyish’ behaviour, such as having tantrums or refusing to use the potty even though they have been successfully potty-trained for a while. This is all perfectly natural, and is their way of expressing their feelings of frustration, and confusion about their role in your life and their place in the family.

Key Points:

• It is natural for young children to experience feelings of jealousy towards their new sibling. This is all perfectly natural, and is their way of expressing their feelings of frustration, and confusion about their role in your life and their place in the family
• By responding with patience and understanding, your child will start to feel secure again, and know that by making room for a new member of the family, they are not giving up their place or getting any less love from you
• Do allow your older child to be an active part of the baby’s life, by letting them help with looking after their baby brother or sister like helping to change a nappy, or reading to them

On this page

• Understanding what might be behind their behaviour
• Tips for managing this change
• Taking a positive approach
• Further resources

It is completely normal for older siblings to react in this way to the arrival of a new baby, and should not in any way affect their future relationship, particularly if dealt with in an open and non-judgemental way by their parents, so that their feelings of jealousy will diminish over time.  Even if your child appears to be independent and capable of doing many things for themselves and without your constant attention, they still need your love and interest just as much as before – maybe now more than ever. These types of behaviour are particularly prevalent in toddlers, who are still so used to having your undivided attention, and were not long ago being breast or bottle-fed by you or falling asleep in your lap.

Tips for managing this change

• If you haven’t had your baby yet, prepare your child for the arrival of the new baby. It might help to look at a children’s book about the subject together.
• Do look through old baby pictures of your first child with them, so they remember that they too had all the same attention and care that the new baby is receiving.
• Do try to spend some time alone with your older child on a regular basis, so they don’t feel they need to compete for your attention.
• Do allow your older child to be an active part of the baby’s life, by letting them help with looking after their baby brother or sister like helping to change a nappy, or reading to them.
• Do encourage your children to resolve their differences themselves as they start to get older.
• When dealing with a toddler, try to make them figure out their own solutions rather than giving in to their demands all the time – if they are disturbing you whilst you’re trying to feed the baby, ask them to play where the baby can’t get in their way – making them feel they can do things the baby can’t, which reminds them that there are perks to getting bigger!
• Don’t make any major changes to your child’s routine when the baby first comes along, such as their sleeping arrangements; try to do this a couple of months before the birth or a few months after the new arrival.
• Don’t make comparisons between your children like, “I wish you’d eat up all your food like your baby sister does”. This may make your child feel they’re not good enough. Say what you want from them, like, “Try and eat a bit more, then you can go and watch TV.”
• Don’t punish them for regressing or acting ‘babyishly’ – understand that it’s just a natural way for them to deal with emotions they don’t understand, such as jealousy.
• Don’t think that sibling rivalry means your children won’t have a good relationship later on – once they have got over the initial jealousy of having to share their parents, there is no reason why they shouldn’t learn to live with their new brother or sister. 

Taking a positive approach

Try not to punish your older child, as this may lead to them feeling more resentful towards the baby. Although you must explain clearly that they are not allowed to hurt the baby, tell them you know they are not meaning to be naughty and should tell you how they are feeling, rather than taking it out on their brother or sister. Hopefully this should encourage them to open up to you a bit more and feel comforted by the fact that you want to know how to help them feel better.

By responding with patience and understanding, your child will start to feel secure again, and know that by making room for a new member of the family, they are not giving up their place or getting any less love from you. This will help them to accept the baby and start to see that they are also a part of their life, in their role as big brother or sister. 

If friends and family are buying gifts for the new baby, it may be an idea to get some gifts to give to your child too so they don’t feel left out. You might also want to make up a little box full of treats and fun activities, books and toys from the baby to your child. 

Watch our video below on tips on getting the kids involved with the new arrival

Further resources

It may help to chat to other parents on our forums to find out how they are dealing with this issue within their family life. You can also talk to us online via our live chat service, email us at [email protected] or call us on our helpline on 0808 800 2222 to speak to trained family support worker. 

Other organisations that may be useful:

Visit the NCT website for ten top tips on managing sibling jealousy

Read this advice from Bounty on introducing a new baby to siblings

Last updated: September 2022

My daughter is railing against my new relationship – The Irish Times

Q) I’m the father of an 11-year-old girl. My wife died almost two years ago. I have recently started a new relationship with someone familar to my daughter (she has taken her shopping, babysat for her and so on before the relationship started), and my daughter is fond of her but since the start of the relationship she has been throwing wobblies.

We went on holidays recently and she wasn’t at all happy with the sleeping arrangements; I suppose she was shocked that we were sleeping together as she hadn’t witnessed this before. My partner is devastated and wants the relationship to end as she doesn’t want to hurt my daughter. I have always been my daughter’s chief carer, as I was always a stay-at-home dad.

A) It can be hard for children to accept their parents starting new relationships, especially as they come into adolescence. However, with a bit of patience and support, and some firm rules, they can adjust to the new situation. I wouldn’t give up on your relationship as it is important to you; instead, try to help your daughter manage.

Communication and understanding

Parents often start new relationships without talking to or preparing their children and this can lead to problems. It sounds like it might have been a shock for your daughter on holiday when she realised that the person she thought was a family friend was now confirmed as your new partner.

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This might have been very awkward for her. While it is important to keep new relationships private for a period, it is important to tell children directly when they need to know; for example, before going on holidays. This gives them time to adjust and they may well respect the fact that you have told them.

In helping your daughter, it is important to take time to appreciate how she might be feeling. Like yourself she went through a major bereavement two years ago, losing her mother, and my guess is that she is still coming to terms with this. The fact that you are starting a new relationship might remind her acutely of the loss of her mother and bring up again her feelings of grief.

In addition, she might see the start of the new relationship as a sign of disloyalty to her mother; she is not yet ready to move on and include someone new in her close family unit.

The start of the new relationship might also bring up fears that she will lose you to your new partner. Unconsciously she might be jealous and worry that your new partner will be more important in your life than she is.

At 11 years old, your daughter is starting into her adolescence and is likely becoming much more aware of sexuality and adult relationships. Young adolescents can find it awkward and embarrassing to think of their parents starting sexual relationships and these awkward feelings can be displayed by being critical, judgmental or even hostile.

Help your daughter manage her feelings

It is quite likely that your daughter is unaware of her feelings and will need help articulating them. The goal is to encourage her to put names on her feelings rather than acting them out in tantrums.

Pick a good time to check in with her when you are alone, and ask her how she feels about you being in a new relationship. Listen carefully to what she might say and encourage her to express things without being defensive.

It can be good idea to address directly some of the fears she might have: for example, “ Just because N is my girlfriend, it doesn’t change in any way how special you are to me”, or “It also doesn’t change in any way how we feel about Mum and how we remember her”.

You can also use the time to share your own feelings: “N is a special person in my life and I hope she will continue to be a good friend to you too.” Once their own feelings are acknowledged, many older children do accept their parent’s new partner, especially when they see that the relationship makes them happy.

Insist on respect from your daughter

Whatever your daughter might be feeling, it is important to acknowledge that you do have a right to start a new relationship and you can’t put your own life on hold because your daughter is upset about it. While you can be sensitive to her, you also have to do what is important to you. She might be upset at times, but it is right as a parent to insist your daughter shows respect to you and your partner.

Talk to her after one of her wobblies and say, “I appreciate that you might be upset, but it is not okay for you to throw a tantrum.”

Be prepared to use discipline and consequences if her behaviour continues. For example, you might warn her that if she is rude again like that, then she will lose some of her pocket money or screen time.

The key to managing tantrums and challenging behaviour is to have a step-by-step plan for how you will respond in a calm way. For example, you might start by asking her to be polite or calm down, and if she doesn’t you withdraw from the conversation and then follow up with her later to talk things through.

Dr John Sharry is a social worker, founder of the Parents Plus charity and the author of Positive Parenting. His new evening courses for parents of toddlers, three- to 10-year-olds and teenagers start on October 2nd in Dublin. See solutiontalk.ie

9 Best Ways To Deal With Jealousy In Children

Come up with positive ways to reduce the feeling of insecurity in your child.

Research-backed

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Image: Shutterstock

Jealousy is a complex, defensive reaction that may arise when one senses a threat to a valued object or relationship. Jealousy in children usually arises when the parent’s love and affection get divided with the arrival of a sibling. Fascinatingly, jealousy in children is usually associated more with the mother since many young children tend to be closer to the mother.

Jealousy is a common emotion in children, though it is one of the most unpleasant emotions they may experience. The emotion arises from the fear of losing the love and attention of their parents and caregivers. It may also cause anger, anxiety, or resentment toward other siblings. In addition, children may have frequent disagreements or fights if they are jealous of a sibling or a friend.

Read this post to learn about the common parenting mistakes that may lead to jealousy in children and how to deal with them.

Parenting Mistakes That Cause Jealousy In Children

Parental behavior could be the trigger for jealousy in childhood. For instance, children are often eager to impress and seek extra attention from their parents. A child could gradually develop jealousy if parents always give more attention to one child than others.

Below are some of the parenting mistakes that may cause jealousy (1):

1. Too much pampering

If you spoil the child with too much pampering, they could feel unconquered at home. When a new child comes into the family or comes across a more powerful friend than them, they feel insecure. Children may feel the newborn or the friend as the reason for this insecurity. They could suffer from depression when they do not get the desired attention and may develop inferior complexes in the future.

2. Over protecting

Overprotecting the child and then releasing him from the clutches one day would mean that you are suddenly leaving them in the wilderness. They might become reserved, timid, and shy, leading to jealousy when he sees a confident kid.

3. Authoritarian parenting

Over controlling is also another mistake parents make, thereby raising jealousy in children. Setting up strict rules and regulations without explaining the cause will affect the child. They grow with lack of self-confidence and feel less worthy than their siblings or pals.

4. Comparing with others

Another dangerous mistake by parents is to compare their children with each other. Comparisons can only lead to jealousy, rivalry, and lack of self-confidence.

5. Creating unhealthy competition

Making children do the same activity and comparing their results would create unhealthy competition among them. One child may be less skilled than the other, but insisting that they do the same activity with similar precision could prove wrong, leading to jealousy.

6. Birth order

Sometimes parents may pay more attention to a child based on their birth order. For instance, the first sibling might be jealous of their newly born sister or brother when they see parents paying them more attention. With the newborn’s arrival, the older children may feel dethroned, which could lead to jealousy.

Signs Of Jealousy In Childhood And Adulthood

In childhood, you may notice the signs of jealousy when your children are playing with each other. It will be so common that the jealous child might hit the other child and act like it is just a game.

Common signs of jealousy in adults and children may include (2):

• False complaints about the person they envy
• Anger
• Anxiety
• Hypervigilance
• Possessive behavior
• Oversensitivity
• May behave annoyed, impatient, expressionless, or even step out of the situation when others receive good compliments
• Misunderstand other’s intentions
• Bully others
• May explain that other’s achievements are without struggles
• May copy a person they envy but avoid them

In adulthood, jealousy is more obvious as they talk about the other and impede their progress. Jealousy could hamper adult relations, and many of them may not feel happiness in their lives. The fears and anxiety accumulated over the years may increase the risk of certain mental disorders. You may help your child to grow out of jealousy in childhood to avoid these consequences in the future (3).

Measures To Deal With Jealousy In Children

Before dealing with jealousy in your child, be sure that you are not jealous of your siblings, friends, neighbors, or anybody else. Unless you remove it from your system, you cannot deal with it effectively in your child. Here are the ways to handle jealousy in children (4).

1. Turn envy into ambition

Diverting your child’s envy to a positive channel is a great way to reduce their negative feelings. For instance, if your child is sad because their friend received good grades, you may encourage and motivate them to study harder and score better grades. Once your child gets caught up in the attempt to study, they won’t focus on how to outrace someone. They will divert their focus in the right direction.

2. Listen up

In most instances, jealous and envious behavior is rooted from deep within. They have a particular issue or concern behind such behavior. Talk to your child and know the reason why they are jealous of a particular person and then listen to them. There may be cases where your child may have lower self-esteem and confidence. They may not be sure enough about their positive aspects, which may cause them to exhibit jealousy towards someone else.

3. Read out from the classics

The classic stories and fables have many moral messages conveyed underneath, and even if you don’t emphasize them, your child will learn from those during the crucial stages of their development. Make bedtime reading a daily routine. Get your child more books with morals that talk about qualities like being helpful, caring and having good intentions in mind. This will help your child understand that what they’re doing is not right.

4. Explain using examples

Another great trick to emphasize the importance of having positive feelings about everyone is setting yourself as an example. Compliment others for their sense of humor, good behavior or any other quality that they may have. Be liberal in such compliments in front of your child.

5. Teach your child the importance of sharing

Children tend to hold a grudge against other children for no reason. If that’s the case, teach your little one the importance of sharing and caring. This will help them remove any insecurity. Sooner or later, you’ll find your child enjoying the company of a child they once envied.

6. Love your child

We don’t say you don’t love your child. Instead, we emphasize that they need all the love and affection they could get during this stage of their life. No matter what the reason is, parental guidance, coupled with love and care, can always fix things up and make them the right way faster.

7. Withhold from comparisons

Do not compare one child with the other, as it devalues them. It can develop long-lasting strains. These comparisons will make children conclude that “You love them more than me” or “You think they are better.” Never compare one child’s schoolwork, report cards, and test scores with their siblings or friends. They will not help your child to work harder. Instead, they fuel up resentment in them.

8. Foster a unique strength in each child

Every child loves to hear from parents about their strengths. Talking about that particular strength will nurture their self-esteem. It would be best if you fostered a unique strength in each child on their interests and temperament.

9. Reinforce cooperative behavior

It is one of the simplest ways to let away the jealousy in children. Mold them in a way that they support each other. Give them the moments to share, help, and work together and value their efforts. They will repeat these behaviors as they realize that you want them to be so.

So if you find your child jealous over their classmate’s good grades or because their big brother just got a new bike, sit with your child and remind them of the instances when they achieved something in life and were rewarded for it. Your close involvement makes a huge difference for them.

Jealousy in children is a common emotion, especially in children who have siblings. Children could develop feelings of envy due to various reasons and certain parenting mistakes such as constant comparisons and too much pampering. You may try tips such as diverting a child’s attention towards positive things, listening to them, and lending them your love and support. Also, remember that overlooking your child’s behavior could negatively impact their mental well-being and personality. So next time you see your child jealous of their peers or cousins, talk to them and motivate them to get over this negative attribute.

References:

MomJunction’s articles are written after analyzing the research works of expert authors and institutions. Our references consist of resources established by authorities in their respective fields. You can learn more about the authenticity of the information we present in our editorial policy.

1. Child Counseling: Jealousy and Envy in Kids| How to Handle Children’s Envy; My Wellness Hub
2. Dealing with jealousy; Oxfordshire County Council
3. How to Help Your Child to Deal With Jealousy; Findmykids
4. 5 Ways to Deal with Jealousy in Children; Cambridge Montessori Preschool

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• Reviewer
• Author

Sagari was a math graduate and studied counseling psychology in postgraduate college, which she used to understand people better. Her interest in reading about people made her take up articles on kids and their behavior. She was meticulous in her research and gave information that could be of help to parents in times of need. An animal lover, vegan, and… more

Dr. Marwa Yahfouf is a board-certified pediatrician practicing in the US. She did graduation in biology and a diploma in teaching before completing the doctor of medicine. Then she worked as a pediatric research fellow at the Center for Infectious Disease Research, Beirut, and did her pediatric residency at the Kansas University School of Medicine in Wichita. 

How to handle sibling jealousy with a newborn baby: 10 tips | Baby & toddler articles & support

Whatever happens, there will be a period of adjustment for your oldest child when their baby sibling is born. Here’s how to manage it when they feel left out or jealous.

The arrival of a new brother or sister can be unsettling for a toddler. After all they are used to having your undivided attention.

You might find that your toddler isn’t as happy and excited about your new baby as you are. Some find it difficult to adjust while others accept the new arrival easily (NHS, 2018). Here’s how to handle the jealousy…

1. Get your toddler involved

You could ask your toddler to pass you the bottle for a feed. You could see whether they will hold the cotton wool while you change their little brother or sister’s nappies. You could even try to persuade them to entertain their sibling with songs in the back seat if they’re upset in their car seat.

Your toddler will love having tasks and feel much more part of things. You will need to guide them as a child’s interpretation of a situation may be inaccurate and you should be aware not to expect too much of them (ROSPA, 2018).

2. Put your toddler first sometimes

No matter how much you would normally go to your newborn first, a few occasions of putting your baby second can work wonders.

Try ‘telling’ the baby they’ll have to wait to get their nappy changed while you get their older sibling’s snack. You could put the baby on the play mat while you play dollhouse with their big brother or sister. Anything that shows them that right now, at this second, they are number one.

3. Acknowledge their point of view

Being ‘in it together’ with the occasional acknowledgement of their views can make a whole world of difference. Acknowledgements like ‘Yeah, babies do cry a lot don’t they?’ or ‘I bet you wish sometimes we could hang out alone’ will let them know you get it.

Parents who develop open, participative communication with their children help their children to manage stress well. That helps them to develop resilience (Joseph Rowntree Foundation, 2007).

4. Be prepared for toddlers hitting or other aggression

Yep, however much you hate it, probably your toddler will at some point turn on their sibling. One study found 46% of children said they had been victims of sibling aggression, while 35.6% admitted they had been aggressive to their siblings (Tippett, 2014).

Toddlers might throw a toy at their sibling, pinch them or hit them. And you’re likely to be tempted to shout at them. The thing is: that was kind of their aim. Instead, give your attention to making sure the baby is ok and then they’ll think that was a waste of time and (hopefully) not bother again.

Positive parenting and good relationships within the family reduce levels of aggression. Yet harsh parenting is associated with increased levels of aggression (Tippett, 2014). You could try to encourage your eldest to talk about any anger or jealousy they feel towards their younger sibling. These are normal emotions and it is better for them to talk about them than to bottle them up (Wallace, 2016).

5. Don’t compare your toddler with your newborn

Asking your older child why they can’t be more like their baby brother or sister is unnecessary and unhelpful. Don’t be tempted – even when you’re tired and stressed out.

6. Stay alert with toddlers for a while when you have a newborn

Much as it would be lovely to be able to leave your children alone together and know they’d be fine, this is the real world. For a while, you’ll have to be close to hand to know that your older child won’t hurt your baby – even accidentally – when you’re not there to monitor.

Children under the age of four are most at risk of an accident at home (Rospa, 2018). Many accidents are caused by horseplay, involving pushing, shoving and wrestling.

Other things to be careful about are heavy objects, such as furniture and televisions, being pushed or pulled over on to younger babies or children.  Children might see sets of drawers as ideal climbing frames but they can pull over easily if unsecured. Children can also swallow, inhale or choke on items like small toys, peanuts and marbles (Rospa, 2018).

If your toddler begs to hold his new sibling, sit your toddler on the floor on a soft surface and help them to support the baby.

7. Get help with the baby so you can spend one-on-one time with your older child

Nothing can make your older child feel better about their feelings towards their sibling than hanging out with you and you alone. If you’re breastfeeding and can’t leave your newborn for long, even a quick trip to the park can make them feel they’ve got your undivided attention again.

The quality of the parent–child relationship at home can influence cognitive and socio-emotional outcomes for pre-school children (Department of Education, 2017).

8. Point out how much the baby likes their older sibling

Saying ‘Look how much they love you’ and ‘They won’t stop watching how good you are on your bike’ will make your older child feel like they’re really involved in making their younger sibling happy. Warm, authoritative and responsive parenting helps children to manage stress. By boosting their confidence they will respond better to the change in their lives (JRF, 2007).

9. Keep toddler routines as much as possible

Toddlers are creatures of habit. So if you can sling some clothes on and drag yourself to their usual music group, even in the early weeks, it will make a massive difference to how they feel. After all, this is a huge upheaval in their lives.

Try with the smaller stuff too, like reading them a bedtime story or eating your usual breakfast.  Participation in routines like reading or storytelling are associated with higher social and emotional school readiness among preschool-age children (Munzi, 2014). Going to playgroup, visiting friends and telling a bedtime story might be difficult to organise in the first few weeks. But sticking to established routines will help reassure your toddler (NHS, 2018).

10. Remember that it won’t last for ever

When young children are feeling jealous of baby siblings, it can feel like a phase that will never end. But – like them all – it will. And before you know it, they’ll be best of mates (and ganging up on you).  Remember too that both your baby and toddler are gaining socially and emotionally by having a sibling (Hughes, 2011).

This page was last reviewed in June 2018

Our support line offers practical and emotional support with feeding your baby and general enquiries for parents, members and volunteers: 0300 330 0700.

Make friends with other parents-to-be and new parents in your local area for support and friendship by seeing what NCT activities are happening nearby.

My Teen Resents My New Partner

What can you do if your child doesn’t accept or seem to like the person you love?

Dating after divorce or a break-up is never easy, especially if you have children. You’ve navigated the highs and lows of finding a partner and now you’ve finally found the one. There’s just one problem: your child doesn’t like them.

Your teen’s dislike for your other half could be causing all sorts of upset and conflict, not just in your relationship with your partner, but also within the rest of the household. It can often feel as if you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Uncovering The Issues

Before you can even begin to deal with the situation, you need to find out exactly why your teen doesn’t like your partner. Your child might not be emotionally ready to see you with another person, especially if the family breakdown was recent and emotions are still raw, but there may be more to it.

It’s important to determine the real reason behind your child’s dislike for your partner before you can move forward or make any decisions. You might not agree with their reasons but it’s important to listen to them and hear them out. Your teen may feel:

• Like they are being pushed out or are being replaced.
• Jealous of the time you now spend with your partner.
• Guilty or upset for the parent who has been ‘left behind’.
• Embarrassed at the thought of you having a romantic relationship.
• That there’s something not quite right about your partner.
• As if your new partner doesn’t like them.

Talking To Your Teen

Sit your teen down, just the two of you, and ask them to talk to you about their reasons. It may become clear that your teen is reluctant to accept a partner in your life right now. Your teen needs patience and time to get to grips with these changes and to develop a relationship with your new partner.

Your teen may feel as if they are being pushed out or forgotten about, now that you have a new partner in your life. This is a very common emotion for a child to feel and it’s normal for them to have doubts and worries about ‘sharing’ you with someone else. They might need a bit of reassurance from you that their position in your life won’t change. A lot of teens just need to know that they are still loved and wanted as much as they have ever been.

Addressing Bad Behaviour

If your teen has been rude or aggressive towards your partner then this, of course, needs to be addressed. Make it clear that it’s not acceptable to behave disrespectfully, even if they don’t like your partner. Instead, encourage your teen to talk about why they feel this way and see if there are any solutions you can offer.

This works both ways. Your partner’s reaction to your child’s hostility or coolness can drastically shape the outcome of this situation. By remaining calm and setting firm ground rules, making it clear which behaviours are unacceptable, your partner is much more likely to make progress in building a relationship with your teen. Reacting in anger or in the heat of the moment will only make the situation worse and is likely to strengthen the feeling of hostility your teen already has. If your partner is reluctant to make these efforts, this may be an unhealthy sign of things to come and perhaps the time to reconsider this relationship.

Building Bridges

If your teen has no serious, underlying issues about your partner other than jealousy or fear of losing you to someone else, there are ways you can try to nurture a relationship between them and your partner. It can help to have your ex on board if they’re willing to help out – sometimes a child feels a sense of guilt for bonding with the person who they see as having taken their mother or father’s place. Your ex talking positively about your new partner and showing support for your new relationship can make a big difference to how your teen feels and acts.

Most of all, your teen probably wants to be included. Make time in your life for 1-2-1 time with your teen, as well as your partner. Be patient and begin to build up on time spent together – you, your partner, your teen and any other children in the family. After time, hopefully, tensions will ease as your teen starts to relax a little and becomes used to your partner.

Let your teen set an activity for you all to enjoy. Their choice (within reason!). This gives them a sense of control over the situation and allows them to be a part of the decision-making within this newly-blended unit. Like most family turmoil, healing and moving on takes time, patience and understanding. Yes, this may have gotten off to a rocky start, but things can get infinitely better if everyone puts in a little effort.

In some cases, a teen might suggest moving out at 16, while this is technically legal it is not a great idea for a number of reasons.

When It’s Serious

If your child has concerns about your partner’s personality or is in fear of them, it’s important to listen. They may have seen or experienced something you were unaware of. It can help to reach out to other family members to see if they have noticed similar character flaws. If any allegations of abuse or mistreatment are made, you have to take these seriously and do what’s best for the mental and physical safety and wellbeing of your child.

More help for your teen: https://hiddenstrength.com/for-me/family-and-relationships/relationships/im-jealous-of-my-step-family/

My 11-year-old is so jealous of her little sister it’s causing us havoc

My eldest daughter is 11. She has a younger brother aged nine and a four-year-old sister too. I think she suffers from jealousy. Her little sister is the focus of her wrath. She encourages her younger brother to join in the meanness but luckily his heart isn’t in it.

Her dad tries to put manners on her (he is very firm with her) but it only leads to more rows and misbehaviour. Mealtimes, morning times — any time we have to be somewhere are all a disaster. The whole house ends up in a heap. What could I do with my daughter to stop her being so jealous of her sister?

David Coleman replies: The issue of your house ending up “in a heap” may not just be about your daughter’s jealousy. It may also be about how you and her dad are responding to that jealousy.

But, let’s start with your hypothesis that jealousy is the root of her behaviour towards her sister. You describe that she gets very angry towards her sister and is mean to her.

If so, then she may be like many eldest children. She probably feels that her little sister is more favoured and more loved than she is.

This may have started when her sister was born and was treated, naturally, as the little baby of the family, garnering lots of love and attention from everyone.

Your eldest daughter may have felt like she was losing out from all the focus on the little baby. It is hard for children to explain feelings of jealousy to parents, as most parents don’t want to accept such feelings.

Invariably, parents end up either protective of the other sibling or cross with the jealous child for being so petty and not being open-hearted to their sibling.

So, if they don’t feel they can tell a parent, most children try to show their displeasure and jealousy by taking it out, angrily or meanly, on their sibling. Subconsciously they may be trying to punish their little brother or sister for taking away their parents’ love, attention or approval.

It is as if they blame their sibling for they, themselves, being out of favour with their parents.

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It is easy to see how this can set up a negative spiral of interaction. The more cross they are with their sibling the more they get given out to by their parent; the more they get given out to, the more they may blame their sibling and the crosser, or meaner, they may become.

I am struck by your phrasing “her dad tries to put manners on her (he is very firm with her)”. This suggests to me that her dad is quite authoritarian in his approach.

I wonder if he relies on lots of consequences or punishments to try to discipline her when he sees her behaviour is bold?

If so, it is no wonder that his efforts to discipline her just lead to more rows and more misbehaviour, in line with the negative spiral that I have just outlined.

I’d imagine you and her dad giving out to her, or punishing her, probably exacerbates her jealousy. She probably views this as further evidence that you love her sister more than her. In her mind this may lead to her being mean to her sister in return.

So, rather than continuing to pursue strict discipline with your oldest daughter, I would suggest you try a whole different approach and try to understand her rather than punish her.

I’d recommend you go with your gut instinct about jealousy being at the root of her misbehaviour. Talk to her, openly, about her feelings about her sister, giving her both permission and opportunity to say how she really feels.

I once read a great explanation of how it can help children to express some of their bad or negative feelings. That explanation was simply that; “until the bad feelings come out, the good ones can’t get in”.

While this is a simplification, it does describe how children need to have a safe platform to express the ‘bad’ or dark thoughts and feelings they may have. Then with more emotional space available they can acknowledge the good feelings that otherwise get ignored.

Your daughter needs to know that she is allowed to give out about her sister, to you and her dad, without repercussion.

I think you may find that if she knows you understand things, better, from her perspective, that she won’t need to keep acting meanly and angrily towards her sister, meaning you will see much less misbehaviour from her.

My eldest daughter is 11. She has a younger brother aged nine and a four-year-old sister too. I think she suffers from jealousy. Her little sister is the focus of her wrath. She encourages her younger brother to join in the meanness but luckily his heart isn’t in it.

Her dad tries to put manners on her (he is very firm with her) but it only leads to more rows and misbehaviour. Mealtimes, morning times – any time we have to be somewhere are all a disaster. The whole house ends up in a heap. What could I do with my daughter to stop her being so jealous of her sister?

“SO SHOULD I ENVY OR NOT, DEAR PARENTS?!”

It was this question that a 12-year-old child asked his parents that recently ended one of my psychological sessions.

Loving parents came to the reception with their teenage son. By and large, so far (they tried to focus my attention on this particular word), they did not notice anything terrible in the behavior of their child. Nevertheless, they began to worry about the decline in parental authority, which, in their opinion, began to be traced from the beginning of the new school year. In this opinion, both father and mother were united. It looks like it really was. All the unpleasant feelings that they experienced at the reception with a psychologist could be summarized in one word – vulnerability. What happened in just two months from the beginning of the school year with their son, if the parents so painfully felt the uselessness of their authority?

Everything turned out to be very simple. Since the new academic year, a new student has come to the class where the boy is studying. In their opinion, this is a child from a fairly wealthy family who has lived with his parents in the United States for two years. Naturally, from the very first days of his stay in a new class, he became the center of attraction for most of his classmates. His stories about a happy overseas life, his clothes, some of his “branded” student supplies did their job. The guys were sincerely interested in his personality, and, of course, many began to envy him.

Particularly impressive for some classmates was the birthday of this young “American”. His parents did their best. With true American flair, they put on a real show for their child and his new friends in their chic apartment. And friends were impressed, impressed to the fullest by the capabilities of their new “overseas” friend, including computer and gaming capabilities.

As you may have guessed, our young hero, that is, my teenager being consulted, was among those invited to this show. And his eyes, like those of his comrades, lit up, his head began to spin, and he, too, began to envy that it was possible to live “like this cool”. Well, then, as always happens in such cases, the lad threw out a fair portion of his admiration for his parents: “Mom, dad, that’s how he is, they are great there!” Then he shared his thoughts: “If only I could do this, if only I could do this!” And finally: “Why can’t you give me the same computer, the same games? Is it weak for you to buy me the same thing that his parents bought him? And tell me you love me!”

“Do you understand what happened to our child? Do you understand what happened to his soul? Now he is jealous of all the peers who have what he does not have. Now he reproaches us on almost every occasion when we cannot satisfy his next desire, ”the parents complained about their bitter life and at the same time about their ungrateful child. “Where did we go wrong? We tried to educate him correctly, by the strength of our example of honest and hardworking people. What have we not taken into account? Or maybe the whole generation of modern children is like that? These were the questions these parents asked me throughout our conversation.

I will immediately comment on this case. First, nothing bad happened. Secondly, parents needlessly blame themselves for pedagogical miscalculations. Thirdly, what this child is going through right now, what questions he asks his parents, and how he criticizes them – all this is normal. Yes, do not be surprised, it’s normal, it’s normal for teenagers. And since with such “tragedies” more and more parents come to see psychologists, frightened by the “envy that suddenly manifested in their children,” we have no choice but to deal with this problem together and without fuss.

So, to envy is, in a broad sense, to desire something (or someone), which (or someone) you do not have, but the other (others) has. Envy, apparently, appeared along with humanity. To envy is to try on other people’s views on life, only to try on passionately and actively. Envy is something that a person from the beginning of his conscious age (from 5–7 years old) will regularly encounter in his experience or the experience of other people throughout his life, seriously, rudely, visibly or collide, slightly touching, sliding along surfaces.

You can even say this: a person is doomed to envy. I foresee a lot of objections: “Bullshit! Nonsense! I have lived a great life. Everything happened in this life – both good and bad. But neither I, nor my children, nor the children of my children have ever envied other people. And this is also correct. This does not contradict the idea of ​​the original envy of human nature. The thing is that different people are either fully or partially aware of envy, or experience it only unconsciously.

Why do people generally feel such a feeling as envy? Because a person, in order to feel confident and fully live among people, must constantly learn, compare, compare his life with the lives of other people, while remaining himself.

If a person from an early age learns to trust people, is open to them with all his soul, knows how to empathize with them, then such a person’s envy will take on a bright, joyful, kind character. Let us recall in this connection the well-known expression “I kindly envy him.” Note that here “I envy him” is closer in meaning to the expression “I’m happy for you.” The result is: “How nice it would be if, over time, everything would be just as great for me as it is for you. In the meantime, my friend, I am sincerely happy for you and your success.

It’s clear that such a wise attitude to the successes of one’s neighbor comes with age, and a child and teenager only learn such wisdom. And it is also obvious that if a child from an early age is taught to openly hate people, then in the future he will not be able to survive good envy. In contrast to this, he will certainly develop “black envy”, that is, such a form of comparing himself with another person, when the envious person does not experience anything other than anger in connection with the successes of another – up to the desire for his physical destruction, or, at least, all that associated with it.

The question arises: is kind envy always good for a child and a teenager? Is this the necessary psychological condition without which the normal human development of the rising generation is impossible? First, it’s not worth asking such a cool question. You can become a good person without experiencing good envy. Secondly, as we have already said, envy is a means, an instrument of understanding the world, but nothing more. If the means outgrows its goal, this is already bad, that is, if you envy the other more and longer (desire to become different), then you can imperceptibly get lost, lose your own “I”. An envious person kills his personality by trying to become different. And in this case, the difference between the impact of black and good envy on a person is only in time. If with black envy one’s own personality is destroyed instantly, then with good envy, if it is abused, the personality is destroyed gradually, gradually.

Here in a nutshell about the origin and purpose of such a complex human manifestation as envy. Therefore, adults should be wished wisdom and understanding of the current problems of their child. Parents should not take seriously and personally the overly emotional and immature performances of their children in the form of merciless criticism and childish whims. However, at the same time, parents are obliged to help children creatively process their envy without losing their face, that is, their personality. But this is an art that parents need to constantly learn.

By the way, while complaining about their child, these disgruntled parents from my example reproached him for his lack of study zeal. As an example worthy of emulation, they admired the son of their acquaintances, the same age as their “stooge”, who in the same 12 years had already achieved a lot. “He visits three serious clubs, he is already a candidate for a chess master, and at the same time he manages to study at a music school,” they admonished their son in the presence of a psychologist. Their son, obviously embarrassed, sadly listened to the moralizing of his parents, and then could not stand it and asked: “So, should I envy or not, dear parents? I’m kind of confused.”

At this point our psychological session ended. We will also finish our story and wish all interested parents pedagogically successful answers to such questions.

What is envy, how does it manifest itself in children and what to do if a child is envious

It is difficult to remain calm when a child is overcome by envy. In these moments, we ourselves experience different feelings and do not always know how to correctly respond to the actions of children. Psychologist Maria Arsentieva and the Foxford online school talk about the right attitude to children’s envy.

There are no bad emotions

Psychologists distinguish ten emotions, including joy, anger, fear, surprise. From emotions, knowledge and desires, cocktails of feelings are obtained. Envy is a feeling based on the emotion of anger.

It is wrong to think that some emotions are needed and others are not. Just as we do not divide body parts into useful and harmful, so we should not divide experiences into good and bad.

All feelings have a biological basis. And in nature, everything is expedient. If a feeling arises, then it is necessary, because it gives a signal: “Everything is fine” or “Houston, we have problems.”

Envy speaks of a desire to receive something of great value. Notice that neither adults nor children envy everything in a row. Someone does not feel safe without a fur coat or an iPhone. Others lack the status of a bridesmaid to be completely happy.

How envy manifests itself at different ages

In young children, envy takes the form of jealousy. If a child sees a manifestation of love nearby, which he does not have in abundance, he tries to draw attention to himself.

Preschoolers seek recognition from their parents. It becomes important for the child that his help, deeds and talents be noticed. We ourselves feed envy if we compare children with others: “You see, Makar has been in the section for only a year, and is already participating in competitions. Katya is already washing the floors herself, and you won’t even wipe the dust.”

The child understands that a good attitude must be earned. It is useful to encourage deeds, but when we approve children only for their work, they stop appreciating themselves. A child dependent on other people’s external assessments feels good because others think so, and not because he is confident in himself. Without internal support, it will be difficult for him to survive the inevitable failures in adulthood.

Schoolchildren envy the popularity of their peers and try to imitate them: dress the same way, buy the same gadgets and relax. If envy torments a child in adolescence, he probably did not receive your love at an earlier period. In order not to “lose” a child, it is better to seek help from a psychologist.

Every age has its own needs. The new envy builds up on the old one and distorts the personality. The child grows anxiety, discontent and self-pity.

If I don’t have it, I’m worse than the one who has it

A child who constantly feels deprived grows up angry and greedy. Adults want to help him “correct” and stop unwanted manifestations of feelings. Instead of relieving tension, parents clog the energy of envy. But any energy seeks a way out and finds it. The child becomes naughty and rude, does not understand what is happening to him or starts to get sick.

The fate of children’s envy depends on the words and actions of parents. We can reject, forbid a feeling, or we can show how to use its energy.

How to help your child cope with envy

If you notice that your child is jealous, listen to yourself. What do you feel: shame for the child in front of society; guilt for not giving him something; anger that he does not meet your ideals or fear that he will grow up envious; perhaps irritation and confusion.

Separate your emotions from your child’s. Confess to yourself your fears and expectations. Think about where they came from and what their sudden manifestation can lead to. Don’t look for someone to blame. Understand what you want and how to get it.

When you have named your feelings, treat the child’s envy with calm interest. Show that you hear him, repeat in response: “you are angry with Kirill because he sleeps with mom and dad, and you are in your bed”, “you also want to go to an amusement park”, “you are angry, because I didn’t give money for a new phone.”

Recognizing the child’s right to be angry and wanting is an important step towards overcoming the contradiction. Take your time. Some people need time to revel in their grief, suffer and cry. Sobbing will bring relief. When the child calms down, it will be easier to agree. Hug him, tell him that you sympathize, and try to help when he is ready to talk.

When the storm subsides, talk to the child. Often, due to frustration, we see everything in black. Some need help to see the full picture. Tell us how you appreciate the help of the child and rejoice in his success. Remind him that on his birthday he got everything he dreamed of. Hint that new purchases can be timed to coincide with the next holiday or save money and buy for no reason. In the meantime, let’s make a wish list.

Invite the older child to play alone when the baby is asleep. Discuss with the preschooler what attractions he wants to ride and agree on when this can be arranged. To relieve emotional tension, ask your child to draw a reminder for you – pictures where you eat ice cream together on a Ferris wheel.

Don’t criticize a teenager’s desire to buy something you think is ridiculous. Better tell him how to carry out his plan. Money can be saved or earned. Privileges and rights can be earned by taking on new responsibilities around the home.

And most importantly, be patient. You cannot speed up the process, but a wise attitude to childhood experiences will bear fruit, just give it time.

Photo: iStockphoto (EvgeniiAnd)

Children’s envy how to recognize what to do and what is dangerous

How often does your child throw a tantrum at the sight of a bright toy in the hands of a peer? Or, even worse, breaks someone else’s thing and calls its owner bad words? Such behavior is not a whim or pampering. In most cases, it is provoked by envy.

Manifestations of envy

Not in every situation, adults manage to recognize children’s envy, so they attribute the bad behavior of the baby to bad manners. “What an ugly boy! Ruined my friend’s car! Your parents didn’t teach you good manners,” the teacher of a naughty child scolds.

Alas, she does not understand the reason that prompted the boy to such an act. This is envy. The child was overwhelmed with emotions, thoughts flashed through his head: “What a cool truck! I would like this! Why does Petka have it, but I don’t? Petka is a fool! Now I will arrange for him!”

The child is not yet able to independently understand the cause of his irritation, control feelings and suppress the subsequent reaction. So he commits unseemly acts under the influence of negative emotions.

“In my opinion, children’s envy is no different from adult envy. Is that it is more open, frank and direct.

The emotions and feelings that children and adults experience with envy are the same. But the external manifestations are different.

An adult has learned to control himself and can hide his envy, but the child has not yet developed self-control. And if he has not been taught in any way about the external manifestations of envy, he will show it without any hesitation. The smaller the child, the brighter these manifestations, up to hysteria and aggression,” says Victoria Filippova, specialist in human potential assessment and talent development.

As an example, the expert proposes to analyze several situations.

No. 1 Envy contrary to common sense

The family is celebrating the birthday of their eldest daughter. The youngest is aware that now they will congratulate her sister, give her gifts, admire her. She understands that this is someone else’s birthday, that she will have her own, which means that they will prepare a bunch of gifts for her.

But when they start to dance around the sister, when they give gifts and show all kinds of signs of attention, the younger girl gets hysterical.

Hence the conclusion – you can talk to the child in advance, explain the upcoming situation, and he seems to understand everything, but he will not be able to control spontaneous emotion.

For him, the feeling of envy that has arisen is similar to resentment, he thinks: “It’s a shame that now I don’t get everything.” And this despite the fact that the gifts that are given to the older sister are not really needed by the younger one. So, the birthday girl was given an easel for drawing, and her sister is not fond of this at all. It’s just that she also wants to receive a gift, because it is a sign of attention, a symbol of parental love.

No. 2 Envy that encourages destruction

Envy often leads to unconscious or conscious sabotage. My average son has a large group of friends about the same age as him (6-8 years old). Somehow, grandfather brought us a toy – a Kalashnikov assault rifle from Detsky Mir. Very beautiful, just like the real thing! And also a saber, a pistol and military ammunition.

Boys run around here with simpler weapons. In just a few days, they broke all of my son’s new toys out of envy. As if they accidentally dropped it on a stone, as if they had accidentally torn off the belt on which the machine gun hung.

But in fact, their jealousy manifested itself in this way. The principle “I don’t have this, so let him not have it!”

It is much easier and calmer when all the children have approximately the same things: wooden guns, plastic pistols.

It happens that envy manifests itself in such bravado: “Oh, this is not fashionable! Sucks! Is not cool!” The flaunting child actually really wants to have it, but for some reason can’t. Probably, parents do not consider it necessary and useful to buy this or that toy, drink, sweets. And the child, in order not to show his true feelings, demonstrates that he does not need it, and thus devalues.

Anastasia Mordkovich, psychologist-teacher, believes that children’s envy, unlike an adult’s, manifests itself towards the object that caused this feeling.

Adults may envy the financial situation of a particular person, but at the same time treat him well. The child, envying a peer’s toy, will show aggression towards him.

Another feature of children’s envy, according to Anastasia Mordkovich, is that it can spread to the entire object. For example, a child who hasn’t been ridden on a pony says, “I hate those ponies!”

Envy and the age of the child

In different years of life, children manifest their envy in different ways. The object of envy also changes. According to Natalia Fesenko, founder and head of the International Institute for the Development of the Future, preschoolers literally “mirror” the behavior of their parents. Therefore, if you yourself are jealous of friends or colleagues, be careful – the child can take an example from you.

“Envy is based on the emotion of anger. Envy signals a desire to get something very meaningful. In toddlers, envy can take the form of jealousy. If a child sees a manifestation of love nearby, which he does not have in abundance, then he tries to draw attention to himself. A child, surrounded by parental care, easily switches his object of attention, and does not get hung up on the object of his own envy, ”says Natalia Fesenko.

During the school years, the child’s needs are transformed. He also needs love and recognition, but now he also focuses on peers.

Natalya Fesenko notes that during this period, children begin to envy the popularity of their friends and classmates. And if you add this to the problems that were not solved in the preschool years, you get a layer cake of envy and irritation.

“The child becomes anxious, dissatisfied, arouses pity for himself, and subsequently grows up embittered and greedy. Adults want to help him, sometimes suppressing the negative manifestations of such feelings. Instead of relieving tension, they begin to forbid, get angry at the child. And the child does not satisfy his need for recognition and love from his parents, while the tension increases, ”the expert comments.

Parental assistance

How to act if your child is jealous, and you do not want to aggravate the situation and provoke problems in the future?

First, understand that envy is a normal feeling. There is no need to be ashamed and scolded for it. But letting everything go by itself is not a good idea.

Victoria Filippova said that adults often come to see her, dreaming of getting rid of their painful conditions, in particular envy, which they did not learn to work with in childhood.

The expert invites clients to direct negative energy in a different direction. And it is important for a person to understand what else he is ready to focus his attention on. However, with a child, this technique will not work.

“Fairy tale therapy helps children best of all. Tell a story about a mouse who was jealous of a cat and nothing good came of it. And how everything worked out when the mouse realized how nice it is to be yourself. It is important to explain these feelings to the child, to allow them to experience and teach them to live. The child must understand that he will not be punished for being envious. Anyone has the right to experience this,” says Victoria Filippova.

It is also very important to help the child find his true values ​​and needs. So, in a situation with the envy of the younger sister to the older one, who was presented with an easel for her birthday, parents need to ask: “Why are you upset? You wanted a bicycle, not an easel. Or do you like to draw now?

In addition, moms and dads can tell the child how to be happy without certain things, how to earn respect from friends and become the soul of the company.

“Explain that being “cool” is possible not due to a toy, but due to the ability to run fast, dance, count to a thousand, or amuse friends. This will help reduce the manifestation of envy, including in adulthood,” notes Victoria Filippova.

At the same time, do not deny the child’s need, especially when it comes to a teenager, for things that seem ridiculous and unnecessary to you. Sometimes we do not understand the importance children attach to certain objects, and by devaluing their desires, we cause serious injury.

“Consider your child’s true needs with calm interest. Talk when the storm of emotions subsides. Recognize the needs of the child and tell him how to fulfill his desire. Teach your child to use the feeling of envy as an impetus for certain actions,” recommends Natalia Fesenko, founder and head of the International Future Development Institute.

Psychologist-educator Anastasia Mordkovich agrees that if the situation develops favorably, envy can serve as an incentive to achieve a goal.

Otherwise, it provokes the formation of beliefs for many years, and even for life. So, a child who is envious of the school successes of his classmates begins to believe that all excellent students are boring, all rich people are bad, if parents buy toys they are good.

In this situation, Anastasia Mordkovich advises to separate the subject and the object. High achievers bore? Are you also a bore when you get “five”? And there are bores who have bad grades?

Communicate with your child as often and as confidentially as possible. Don’t be angry because, with his envy and controversial desires, he doesn’t live up to your ideal. And do not forget that any emotion of a son or daughter is an occasion to better understand their thoughts, feelings and actions.

Everyone experiences envy: both adults and children. However, envy envy is different. If this condition occurs from time to time, when a person doubts his abilities or feels insecure, you should not beat the alarm. But if the feeling of envy begins to prevail over the others, then it can thoroughly ruin life.

Your child is a little envious. How to define it?

Often, it cannot even occur to an adult that his child is gnawed by envy – the object of the child’s passion seems so insignificant to him. However, even at the most tender age, this feeling can be not only strong, but also long, and most importantly, destructive. It is important to understand in time that your child is jealous of a friend. Childish envy has several appearances.

Practical activities. In anger that he does not have such a car, a child can ruin someone else’s toy or break a craft for which his friend received the praise of an adult.

Imitation. The child really likes the thing that his friend has, and he begins to ask his parents for exactly the same thing or creates it in his imagination and demonstrates to his loved ones invented actions using it.

Criticism. This is an attempt to reduce the value of what is the object of envy. “There is nothing special about his victory”, “This doll is ugly, I have a hundred times better at home” – statements characteristic of such behavior.

Ignore. An attempt to protect himself by creating a real distance between himself and the desired object: the child refuses to play with it if a friend offers it, and generally tries to communicate with other children, and not with the owner of the object of envy.

Camouflage. This method is often used by older children, from 7 to 16 years old, it is beyond the power of preschoolers. Such envy is more difficult to recognize. An envious person does not rejoice for a friend who has achieved success in something or has become the owner of a new gadget, but he sympathizes with the failure or breakdown of the desired thing from the bottom of his heart.

The origins of envy

What causes envy? On the surface, of course, is an object (such as an expensive gadget) or an event (such as an interesting trip abroad or winning a competition) that a peer has in his life, but your baby does not. Healthy envy is a fleeting feeling in which both joy for a friend and a desire to repeat his achievements are mixed.

” If a child envies for a long time, stubbornly, painfully, then, of course, it’s not about a tablet or a cup. The child wants attention, approval, respect and, finally, love. So chronic envious people almost always suffer from low self-esteem: the child thinks that he is the worst in everything, and believes that the coveted prize will correct the situation in an instant. However, because of the same low self-esteem, he is afraid to do something in order to achieve high results – a vicious circle is obtained.

If parents notice that their child is full of envy (although this rarely happens in such a situation), they begin to treat the symptoms, not the cause: they scold the child for unworthy feelings or try to make the child happy with an expensive toy. This does not solve the problem, because in fact, love and attention from this no longer becomes. To fix the spoiled parent-child relationship in some way, a long work is needed, it is advisable to connect a psychologist to it.

Envy, go away!

Another situation: parents do not help the child overcome envy, moreover, they themselves instill this feeling in him, literally teaching him to envy everyone and everything. If you are sure that, in general, everything is in order with your child and low self-esteem is unusual for him, but you do not know how to teach him to respond correctly to other people’s successes, then here are some useful tips.

The most correct way is a personal example. If you allow yourself to speak negatively about acquaintances, to level their successes and achievements, your children will definitely be envious.

Help your child become aware of his feelings. Let him know that from time to time everyone gets angry, angry or jealous, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Admitting that you are jealous is the way to overcome this destructive feeling.

A good method of dealing with envy is the disclosure of the child’s personal potential. The more he does what he loves, the more successful he becomes and the less reason for envy he has left.

Show what envy can lead to using book or cartoon characters as an example.

Praise the child, emphasize his strengths and positive aspects, pay attention not to victories, even small ones. This will help develop a positive attitude towards others – a good inoculation against envy!

Remember! To prevent a child from becoming jealous, you should never do the following:

• Don’t compare him to anyone. This leads to the fact that the child begins to constantly look back at others and evaluate his position on the scale of success.

• Don’t make things into a cult. Instantly buying the same thing that other children have will lead to an increase in the child’s demands, and envy will not disappear anywhere.

• Do not support boasting. This will not increase the child’s self-esteem and will not make him a leader among children, but he can become arrogant and snobby. Real authority is earned by deeds, not by expensive things or boastful stories – convey this idea to the child.

about children from 4 to 7 years Other articles of the author

What a good article, adults would do well to read it for themselves. For some reason, I didn’t see so many children envious of her as adults all the time

“They don’t even dare to think about her…” What to do if you encounter parental envy

Parental curl. The very combination of these words seems unthinkable: how, how can a parent envy a child?! This is nonsense! Absurd! Unfortunately no. Many – both parents and adult children – suffer from the poison of seemingly unnatural envy, but do not dare to admit that they know it personally. Well, it’s understandable: the topic is extremely delicate, filled with shame and pain . .. About who is at risk of becoming a victim of parental envy and how it can be bled, psychologist Anna Khidiryan told.

Taboo feeling

Parents who have the courage to admit to themselves that they are gnawed by envy of their own child, one, two, and counted. There are also few adult children who bravely face the truth. Even on the Internet, where you can hide behind a nickname, people are very reluctant to share their experiences and avoid this painful topic. And if they do write, it is often with great uncertainty and doubt : they say, can my mother really envy me?! Or does it just seem to me? So, on the network there are stories of confused young women who noticed that their mother flirts with their boyfriend (husband), preens for his arrival, meets him in skimpy outfits. The daughter believes and does not believe her eyes. “This happens because envy itself is an unapproved feeling. Due to the fact that envious people are actively condemned and condemned in society, it causes a lot of shame. And the shame of envying your child can be overwhelming. Therefore, envy is easier to deny than to recognize in oneself or one’s parent,” , explains the psychologist.

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Envy plays hide-and-seek

Absolutely all people experience envy – some less often, some more often, some have it moderate, some have it acute and obsessive. When another possesses something that we do not have, but really want to have, we can feel discontent, anger, a desire to deprive this good: to spoil, interfere, destroy. If person openly admits her envy to (“What a beautiful dress! I’m already jealous. Where did you buy it?”) and she is not “bloodthirsty”, there is no reason to worry. An unlawful feeling poisons neither the one who experiences it, nor the one to whom it is directed. But if envy is carefully hidden or strenuously denied, things are bad.

Unconscious envy overshadows the life of its “owner” and his relatives. At first glance, innocent phrases give it away (compare with the example from the previous paragraph: “Where did you dig up this dress? It makes you look fat, and sewn carelessly – the thread sticks out”), as well as actions, deeds that the envious person diligently disguises as care, gives out for concern, sensible remarks . So, a person who has long wanted, but cannot improve his living conditions, having got to a housewarming party, will scold the owners – in person or to himself: “Oh, why did you buy an apartment in a disadvantaged area. And the layout is unsuccessful, and you missed the floor. And what wallpaper is tasteless – I would never stick such wallpaper for myself. He is not able to share someone else’s joy.

One who is tormented by envy feels relieved if he finds some shortcomings , often small or contrived. It is as if he is arming himself with a magnifying glass and enthusiastically examines the flaws, ignoring the numerous advantages. “If at a generous dinner nine dishes out of ten are exquisite and tasty, and one turns out to be a little rustic, a person will pay attention to it. And a salad with “incorrectly cut” vegetables – which, by the way, may be conjecture – will overshadow the rest of the treats for him”, – Anna Khidiryan describes the peculiarities of perception of an envious person.

Envy at gunpoint

From painful, exhausting envy suffer people with acute internal deficiency . Moreover, the need can exist solely in the imagination of a person: objectively, he often cannot be called deprived, but he feels like that. “In his reality, he is a victim. For example, he lives with the certainty that in childhood he lacked the love and care of his parents. Although, in fact, mom and dad were quite loving, they provided everything necessary, in general they gave everything that is required for life, ” – says the psychologist. Only, perhaps, a girl from a wealthier family lived nearby – and a splinter got stuck in her soul: “But my parents didn’t take me to Bentley and didn’t send me to ski resorts in the Alps every year . ..” Or a woman is constantly unhappy with her husband: and his income is more modest than Bill Gates, and he promises to buy a mink coat only in six months. And the girlfriend received a fur coat as a gift as soon as she hinted – she was lucky with her husband … And you start asking the “poor thing” – and it turns out that the husband is devoted to the family, climbs out of his skin so that his wife and children do not needed. But the woman does not see this point-blank: someone else’s fur coat obscures her eyes.

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Envious people don’t know how to enjoy what they have. They are never satisfied with life. When they get something they want, their joy does not last very long. It is quickly replaced by oppressive thoughts: “But I don’t have that, and that, and that …” A person for whom the feeling of strong dissatisfaction has become familiar, clearly remembers situations of disappointment. He seems to get stuck in them and cherishes his grievances. “Once parents, finding themselves with a child in a store, did not buy him a toy that he liked – and already an adult calls this episode the main memory of his childhood. And he constantly criticizes the “heartless” mom and dad, not taking into account that thanks to their efforts there were many other toys in the house. With whom he enjoyed playing, – Anna Khidiryan gives an example.

Gallery of envious parents

Maternal envy is better studied, but paternal envy also has a place to be, it’s just that they talk about it less often. If women actively write about difficult relationships with their mother on the Internet and turn to a psychologist with this problem, then men who have suffered from the envy of their father are in no hurry to pour out their souls on forums or in a specialist’s office. In addition, the parent, not even realizing his envy of the child, instinctively hides it very carefully. “Nevertheless, accurate indicators of parental envy exist”, – says the psychologist and lists the most common types of envious parents.

♦ Aging woman . If a woman stakes on beauty and invests a lot of resources in her appearance, then aging for her is like death . She does not think of herself outside the context of “beauty”. She feels confident and interesting only because of external attractiveness – this is the main point of her identity. Appearing wrinkles and gray hair are a sign that she is becoming ugly, repulsive, worthless. The whole world is collapsing. And if a daughter blooms nearby, the woman clings even more desperately to the outgoing beauty. She does not feel joy because her daughter is growing up, becoming attractive, men are paying attention to her. On the contrary, it is a disaster for the mother. She tries to slow down time and disarm the “rival”, addressing her daughter with such phrases: “Why are you dressed up and wearing makeup like an Indian?”, caustically criticizing her appearance or flirting with her chosen one.

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♦ Burnt woman . A woman who has never aroused much interest in men, or has experienced betrayal, or has been in a destructive relationship (with an abuser, an alcoholic, a gamer, etc.), may unconsciously envy a more successful daughter. However, the line between envy and intense anxiety is very thin and not always obvious, warns Anna Khidiryan.

If a mother warns without aggression: “Be careful!” – and, despite her worries and fears, she is glad that her daughter has many admirers and she can choose the one who she likes more, marry for love, then she is driven by anxiety. Anxiety can also be assumed if a woman, due to a traumatic experience, sees rapists, womanizers, nonentities in all men. The mother “attacks” her daughter’s suitors because she wants to protect her from what she herself had to endure.

And envy manifests itself in the desire to spoil the joy of daughter : “And he is plain, and his trousers are old, and some kind of car rattles.”

♦ Untalented or undeveloped parent . When an adult envy a child more gifted than himself, he puts obstacles to the development of his abilities . For example, under a plausible pretext, he does not allow you to attend a circle or section: “To drive too far”, “You won’t have time to do your homework”.

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If a parent dreamed of but did not receive a higher education, he can speak depreciatingly about him and advocate for a working specialty: they say, there is no sense in the “tower” – how many among people with university diploma sit without work or receive miserable pennies, so do not dry your brains, but get up quickly on the wing. The envious parent reproaches the disobedient child: “You hang on my neck”, refuses to financially support, although he has the opportunity to do so.

Obsession , which some parents discover when developing the child’s abilities, can also indicate envy. “My mother dreamed of becoming a ballerina as a child, but something didn’t work out. To heal her spiritual wounds, she enthusiastically sculpts a ballerina from her daughter. For such a mother, it is very important that the girl, called to fulfill her dream, demonstrates success. If the little ballerina is not diligent enough, a tyrant can wake up in her mother. And the refusal of a child to do ballet becomes a heavy blow, ” – says the psychologist.

♦ Deprivation parent . A person whose childhood fell on an era of total scarcity or who grew up in a poor family may envy a child who does not know what poverty is. An adult seems to be pleased and happy that he can give his son or daughter something that he himself did not see at his age: a separate room, beautiful clothes, expensive toys, trips to Disneyland. But if a child indifferently puts aside the tenth box of Lego or too sluggishly rejoices at the third pineapple in a week, the parent boils anger and indignation : “Ungrateful! He doesn’t appreciate what I didn’t even dare to dream of as a child!”

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People from dysfunctional families may be bitterly sad that they were unlucky with their parents. Although a childhood full of beatings and humiliation is in the past, and they themselves are not like their marginal mothers and fathers, they are seized by self-pity. And envy raises its voice: “Why did my child get warm and caring parents, but I didn’t? Why am I worse?

♦ Savings-obsessed parent . If a person has formed the habit of limiting himself in everything, buying only the necessary things and only when the old ones have become unusable, he is irritated to the point of impossibility by those who live more carelessly, know how to please themselves , easily part with the money earned. As soon as a son or daughter hints at the next purchase, such parents start a bagpipe: the money was spent unreasonably, it is quite possible to do without it, but what will you save for a rainy day … “It’s one thing when parents reproach an adult child who lowered his salary for pleasure and cannot, for example, pay a communal apartment or buy groceries. And it’s completely different – if he fully provides for himself, does not beg, and mom and dad are still itching: why do you need a microwave if there is a stove, or why do you need a new jacket if the old one has not lost its appearance yet, – the psychologist clarifies.

How to step on the throat of your envy: advice to parents

Recommendations can only be given to parents who are even slightly aware of their envy. There are very few of them. Most envious mothers and fathers do not even have the thought that they are in captivity of an insidious feeling.

A parent who recognizes or suspects envy of a child is often tormented by shame, overwhelmed by thoughts of his inferiority. In this case, it is important to internally agree that nothing out of the ordinary is happening . “Denial and self-flagellation will not bring relief”, – emphasizes the specialist. Man is a complex being, his psyche is multifaceted. In any adult there is a children’s part – the so-called. an inner child who may envy another, happier boy or girl. “But at the same time you also have a parent who wants to please his child and is able to rejoice when he feels good . This joy softens sharp, unpleasant feelings,” says Anna Khidiryan.

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Reduces envy and fulfillment in an attractive area. So, women who are painfully experiencing the departure of youth and beauty can find solace in activities that were previously inaccessible. While the child needed care, the mother only dreamed of traveling, or defending a dissertation, or breeding new varieties of flowers. And when the daughter grew up, the mother got a second wind, because she can finally devote herself to the cause to which the soul lies. Someone is happy to try on the role of a grandmother. Each age has its advantages – look for them.

How to communicate with envious parents: advice for adult children

With a parent who does not admit to envy to himself, it is useless to start a conversation about it, even very gently and carefully. They will not hear you, and will start to defend themselves : “Yes, I’m worried about you, I wish you well!”

You can try to find a contact using Self-messages : “I feel bad when you say that”, “I was hoping/hoping to get support from you”, etc. If the parent is very intrusive and over and over again seeks to break through your boundaries, nothing can be done – it will take hard rebuff : “Don’t mess around, I’ll decide it myself!”. A person who is afraid of conflicts will begin to bypass a topic that is unpleasant for another.

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If attempts at constructive dialogue fail one after another, well, the only thing left to do is accept the feature of the parent . And if possible, do not talk about what will predictably cause a negative reaction in him.

“In childhood, we are all very dependent on our parents, we look at ourselves and the world through their eyes. But the older we get, the more opportunities we have to refresh our eyes and get acquainted with other “world orders”. Leave to your parents what you don’t like or don’t like. Adopt someone else’s attractive experience. Enjoy the freedom of choice and desire”, – summarizes Anna Khidiryan.

What to do if a child is constantly jealous of others?

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What to do if the child is constantly jealous of others?

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• Expert advice
• 1-3 years
• 3-7 years old
• 7-12 years old
• teenager

Envy is characteristic of all people regardless of their age. However, it is necessary to distinguish between envy as a feeling that can rarely arise, during periods of doubt and uncertainty, and envy as a stable feeling that accompanies a person throughout life. To prevent your child’s short-term envy from becoming a real problem, “I’m a Parent” shares tips on how to avoid it.

How can you tell if a child is jealous?

The expression of childish envy is usually very predictable. The object of envy is either some things (clothes, toys), or life circumstances (when a child’s peer wins a competition, receives praise for his actions from a caregiver or teacher, etc.) A child’s feeling of envy can be recognized by the following manifestations: practical actions, imitation, criticism, ignoring or masking.

Practical actions are damage, destruction or removal of the object of envy.

For example, when one child angrily breaks another child’s toy just because he doesn’t have one, or soils a drawing drawn by another child for which he received the teacher’s praise.

Imitation is an attempt to recreate the object of envy. If the kid really likes the new car that was given to his friend, he begins to demand from his parents to buy him exactly the same one. Or he fantasizes that he already has it – tells mom and dad how he plays with her.

Criticism manifests itself in the exponential depreciation of the object of envy. For example, a child may say: “Nothing special”, “Your toy is ugly, I have better food at home. ”

Ignoring is a kind of attempt to protect oneself. If a child is envious of a new construction set that one of the kids brought to the kindergarten, he specifically tries to be as far away from the desired thing as possible: he refuses to assemble the construction set together with the owner, defiantly does not talk to him, runs away to play with other children, etc. d.

Envy disguises are often used by older children (7-16 years old). Babies just aren’t capable of that. Such envy is the most difficult to recognize. An envious child will not be happy for his friend or girlfriend for whom his parents bought a new toy or a fashionable gadget, but if the owner of the toy loses or breaks it, then the envious will sympathize with his grief with great pleasure.

Sometimes children’s envy may not have external manifestations at all, but all the same it spoils the life and mood of the child. In such a situation, the child himself may not even suspect that envy is actually the cause of his negative emotions. Only a child psychologist can help him understand his feelings and their causes in such cases.

Where does envy come from?

Ordinary dissatisfaction lies at the root of a child’s envy. The child lives calmly, is happy with everything, and suddenly discovers something in another that he liked so much that he immediately wanted to have it. And here envy appears – he has it, but I don’t.

Approximately the same thing happens when a child begins to envy someone else’s success. His peer won the competition, received a prize and universal recognition, and no one pays attention to him. Naturally, he begins to envy: he also wants to be noticed and appreciated.

In some cases, it is low self-esteem that is the root cause for the manifestation of this negative feeling. Children with low self-esteem think that they are worse than others in everything, and there is nothing left but to envy. Self-doubt prevents them from taking any action to become better, or achieve those results that cause envy. In such cases, parents will have to work, first of all, with the formation of adequate self-esteem.

How to help a child cope with envy?

The best example is personal. Children almost always copy the behavior of their parents, so if you yourself often discuss the acquisitions of your acquaintances in a negative way, criticize others and constantly compare them, do not be surprised that your child turns into an envious person. No matter how much you tell him that this is a negative and destructive feeling, until you yourself stop envying others, your child will not stop doing this either.

Teach your child to be aware of his feelings. Explain to him that there is nothing to be ashamed of, since it is common for everyone to get angry, angry and, of course, jealous from time to time. It is important not to succumb to this feeling, but to understand and admit that you are envious is already half the battle in getting rid of this bad feeling.

Help your child to reach their personal potential. If the child is busy with some business, then there will simply be no time for envy.

Use the example of negative characters from books or cartoons to show your child what envy leads to. Such heroes usually climb into someone else’s life, destroy someone’s happiness just because of this feeling, which is not easy to deal with.

Develop a sense of self-confidence in your child, praise him, name all his positive aspects, then he will also have a positive attitude towards others. And the absence of some things for him will not be a difficult test, he will be happy that he is loved.

In order not to develop a feeling of envy in your child, read what you should never do:

1. Compare your child with other children. Such a comparison only leads to the fact that the baby begins to live with a constant eye on others, and sometimes blackmail his parents.

2. Create a cult of things. Many parents, seeing that another child has a new car, immediately seek to buy their child the same one, hoping that in this case envy will not take possession of him. However, over time, children’s requests grow and grow, and mom and dad fall into a vicious circle.

3. Teaching a child to brag. Some moms and dads try to boost their child’s self-esteem by buying him the very best to make him feel special among his peers. As soon as such a child appears in kindergarten with an expensive toy or comes to school in new exclusive clothes, a crowd of kids immediately rushes after him who want to chat with a “cool” guy or girl. Naturally, the most “cool” likes his privileged position, he gets used to it, and eventually grows up to be an arrogant and boastful person. Remember that true love and respect can only be gained by deeds and behavior, and not by expensive things.

Victoria Kotlyarova

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How parents cripple their children

“The youth went wrong”, grumbles the older generation. Based on this message, it seems that, wherever you look, we are surrounded by effeminate men, “IT people” who are puppeted in their virtual world, emancipated hysterics and girls who only dream of how to marry a rich “daddy” as soon as possible. Not to mention alcoholics and drug addicts. Is the nation degenerating? Of course not. But the question of how to properly raise children is especially relevant today. Eyes run up from various “progressive” techniques. And parents go to extremes. Some allow almost everything to their children and then they are surprised that by the age of majority the child is not adapted to life at all. Others, on the contrary, make every effort to load it to the fullest, believing that the main task is to reveal the numerous talents of their offspring, without thinking about the fact that they are actually depriving him of his childhood. In both cases, the intentions of the parents are the best, but they “love” their children so much that they do not notice how they cripple them. Is there a golden mean? Today we will discuss this difficult issue with the psychotherapist Andrey Metelsky.

Who is this?

Andrey Metelsky has been solving the problems of fathers and children for more than a dozen years. By education, he is a pediatrician, adolescent psychotherapist, sexologist, in addition to this, a Gestalt trainer, certified trainer of the INTC center, co-founder of the Institute of Modern NLP. Enumerate the regalia of our interlocutor can be long enough. But is it necessary? The conversation with Andrey from the very beginning turned out to be difficult, uncomfortable and a little intimidating. Try to try on his thoughts and experience for yourself. We are sure that they will make you look at your life in a completely different way.

– Let’s start with the main one. Do we really maim children with our love?

– In order to understand this complex topic, let’s define the basic concepts. I’m afraid many parents will find it difficult to accept them, for sure it will be unpleasant. Parents don’t like children. What is meant by the term “love for children” in everyday life and in psychology is attachment. Love is a kind of inner state that just exists, I can experience it, but it cannot be directed at anyone. This means that love cannot be for someone or something. Therefore, what we experience throughout our lives in relation to our children is attachment, and it is akin to attachment to a bottle, a car, cigarettes, and so on.

The parents do not love the child, the parents love themselves in the child. We all strive to ensure that our offspring become successful in those areas where we did not take place. What toys do we give the child? Most often those in which they themselves did not play in childhood. In the same way, we love ourselves in some car, hanging spoilers on it, doing tuning and showing off to friends: “Look, what a cool car I have!” In the same way, we love a spouse – not this individual person, but ourselves in him: “Look what a long-legged blonde walks with me. It’s not that she’s so cool, but I’m cool because she chose me.” Of course, I’m exaggerating, but…

In order to love a child, you must first learn to love yourself. In part, this is a rather hackneyed phrase, but most people do not understand its depth. The trouble is that we all do not love ourselves, and here we get a paradox: how can you love someone in this case, because you simply do not have a behavior model! To love yourself is to be clearly aware of your needs and not replace them with surrogates and dependencies. For example, I now have a need for attention – and I will go to seek this attention, instead of smoking or drinking. If we begin to squander money, this means only one thing – that we subconsciously feel a lack of pride and are trying to compensate for it – again surrogately. If I love myself, by and large, I don’t need practically anything. This will be a statement that is very close to the truth. It was not in vain that the Buddha said: a person from birth has everything he needs.

And here’s another unpleasant fact for you: children are born because of a single motivation – the fear of death. If we were immortal, then most likely there would be no families or children. What for? After all, then there is no point in thinking about being remembered, there is no need to think about the “trace that you left”.

So we give birth to children in order to continue in them, to receive a substitute for immortality. That is why we begin to “love” our sons and daughters against their will: we give them to endless, completely unnecessary circles and sections, we torture them with total control. And it seems that we want them to be successful, but in fact it is not. Because, if you look at it impartially, we try to replace their unique life with our vision. We cannot admit to ourselves that a son or daughter is a completely separate person, and we desperately want to see in them an extension of our loved one. We are ready to cripple the child’s entire future life, if only to prolong the existence of a particle of ourselves as a person on the planet at least a little.

— Somehow, the topic we are discussing from the start has grown to a universal scale…

— Think about the scale using a simple example. When you make any contact with a child, ask yourself the question: is what I am doing now so that he will be successful, or so that I will be calm or amuse my ego? By and large, this is the only question that parents should be asking when they are engaged in parenting. I think that 80-90 percent of us will find the strength to admit: first of all, we think about our own peace of mind.

Let’s start with the simplest things. When our three-four-year-old toddler climbs slides and swings in the yard, we constantly pull him up. Based on what? First of all, based on your own peace of mind. Yes, the child may fall and get hurt. But this is his life! How else will he get a basic and correct idea of ​​the world without stuffing his bruises and bumps? Naturally, everything is fine within reasonable limits. Knowing from experience that some actions are guaranteed to lead to injury, we prevent them. If you respect the child, then there will not be many such prohibitions.

— What about the maternal instinct, the heart that aches for its child?

– What I’m talking about. You are not thinking about your son, but about your sick heart. And while trying to replace the child’s life. The classic metaphor of modern parenting is a shout into the sandbox: “Senya, go home!” – “Mom, am I cold?” – “No, you’re hungry!” Our parents know better than a child what he needs. But it’s not like that! Each child is born as a separate person, he has his own mission on this earth, his own destiny. We cannot know this mission, but at the same time we stubbornly “educate” the child. Rave!

Love for a child implies respect. I respect whatever decision he makes. Yes, I can assume that this decision may not lead to very good consequences, and I will warn him about it.

— And let me choose?

– That’s right here – the main mistake. To allow one to choose is again to dispose of property. I repeat: I respect his choice. Linguistically, everything is very accurately reflected.

– The child says: “I’m tired of school, I don’t want to go there…”

– Don’t go!

– Can you imagine the consequences?

— I had such teenagers. They consciously abandoned school, and I recommended that their parents not prevent them from doing so. Here is an example of a striking situation. The teenager studied in each class for two years, was a loser, fought, was completely uncontrollable. After our training, the mother came home and handed over responsibility for her life to him. That is, she said: do as you see fit. He left school the same day. A week later, he got a job, and a month later, of his own free will, he brought documents to an evening school. The guy made good money, eventually became an excellent student, and today he is a fairly well-known director in Moscow. He was given responsibility for his life, and he built it the way he wanted …

— That is, parents should not think that they can act as a “deterrent”?

— I have been working with families — parents and children — for many years. I can tell you: if a child is respected and understood that he should be given the right to his own development, he always grows up brilliant, creative, flexible. A smart parent should be very attentive, observe what the child wants. If my two-year-old son liked to sit in my arms and count the passing cars, I stood with him for 20-40 minutes, realizing that in the future it would benefit him. When my son went to first grade, he was already adding two-digit numbers in his mind.

It bothers some parents that their child runs all day like a fool with a stick. Parents, this is great! Think back to your childhood! A found stick for a child is a whole world: a spear, a machine gun, an airplane steering wheel and much more. Why do we force a child who finds a stick on the street to immediately throw it away? Thanks to her, he builds the world, creates, develops imagination and intellect.

The world of child psychology is a very interesting thing in general. I will even tell you that ghosts or non-existent friends that a child communicates with are far from stupid. Why do we categorically declare that none of this exists? For a child there is, thanks to these “phantoms” he metaphorically develops, learns, gets rid of some of his fears. Even I, as a psychotherapist, do not always know what problem the child’s brain is currently solving, inventing some kind of allies for itself.

— Will sooner or later the respect for choice grow into permissiveness?

— In psychology, there are concepts of internal and external reference — these are the polarities that we build in our value system, and the value system that influences us from the outside. The child must be taught internal reference. Having collected information outside, he must be able to make a decision on his own. He can learn this only in practice, feeling freedom. Here is an example for you on the fingers, again from my personal life. I give my son pocket money. We went to a cake shop. I see that the child is pleased not only to eat sweets, but also independently calculate the required amount, get it out of the wallet. And so the saleswoman says to her son: “Look, baby, this is the most delicious cake, with cottage cheese!” The son looks up at her and says: “Thank you, but I can actually read.” At that moment I realized that I was doing everything right, that he had an internal reference. Even if he is offered drugs, it is unlikely that it will work: he has learned to make decisions himself.

Internal reference gives a lot, sometimes completely non-obvious things. For example, it allows you to stay healthy: we simply will not fall for the “advertising” of the flu. When I worked as a pediatrician, I noticed an interesting trend: a flu epidemic begins a week after anti-flu drugs were advertised in newspapers and the subway. People without an internal reference, reading the symptoms, are already ready for them, tune in to them. And then the disease appeared!

Inner freedom, of course, implies certain limits. Remember the basic rule of life that the hippies preached in the seventies of the last century? “Do what you like without disturbing others.” In my opinion, a very good idea. The child should be explained that his freedom ends where the freedom of another person begins.

— Now the Tibetan model of raising a child is very fashionable, which says that until the age of five one should treat him like a king, from five to ten – like a slave, and after ten – like an equal. The time frame may vary, but the general idea is clear. What do you think about it?

— Here it is worth understanding that in some matters the child simply does not have a base on which to base decisions. So it’s worth asking the question: before allowing everything, did you discuss what is right and what is wrong? Have you played situations, told about the consequences of this or that act? Without this base, inner freedom somehow grows into permissiveness.

This is really a big problem. Parents often talk about communication problems with their children, while they do not talk to them themselves! My position in this regard is clear: you need to talk with a child on an equal footing, not lisping, from the first minutes of life. And don’t tell me that lisping is a sign of tenderness. Do you know how children understand that they are loved? The only way is through the eyes. And now a question for parents: how often do you communicate with children, looking into their eyes with love? Most of the communication looks like this: the child mumbles something, and we answer him over his shoulder. At the same time, we are physically at different levels: we are higher, the child is lower. What kind of equality and mutual understanding can we talk about? Why are you surprised that in the end the child stops hearing you?

Let’s move on. Let’s think about it: when do most parents make eye contact with their child? That’s right – when they scold. Like, you did something, now look into my eyes. The most important channel of communication turns into a tool of suppression. It is logical that after that at my reception, on the street – yes, everywhere I see people who try not to meet your eyes. It comes from childhood! The channel is blocked, moreover, a negative anchor has been created: “If they look me in the eyes, then they will expose me now.”

If you scold a child, turn away. No wonder they put it in a corner before.

Now for some practical advice. How is the basis for a child’s decision made? He asks a question, you lower yourself to the level of his eyes (or sit him on the table) and conduct an equal dialogue.

When I worked as a psychotherapist in a dispensary, children who stutter were often brought to me. In 80% of cases, I could help with virtually the same simple advice. As soon as the child turned to you, drop everything and listen to him carefully: there is nothing else in the world for you at this moment!

Stuttering is most often not a fear, as grandmothers who need to earn money say, but a child’s dissatisfaction in communication. He wants to convey a thought to his parents, ask a question, but they do not hear him. Or they listen, but only the beginning of the monologue (which happens even more often). And now the child, trying to have time to speak out, speaks faster and faster, but his speech apparatus is not yet fully formed. Here he begins to stutter. And then it went in circles like a snowball. The child stutters, speaks more slowly, parents listen to him even less, and so on.

So in most cases, parents who had the wisdom and patience to fulfill this simple condition removed stuttering in a maximum of a month.

Children are not nonsense, they are wise, and I highly recommend listening to them carefully. What kind of love for a child can we talk about if we do not respect his opinion, his thoughts, his world. Let it seem to us that everything a child asks about is a banality, remember that for him the world is a series of discoveries. Do not prioritize “teaching”, concentrate your energies on “listening”.

— What signs in a child’s behavior should cause parents to worry?

– Any. It frightens me that in this enlightened age, many parents believe that nervous tics, enuresis, and stuttering are illnesses that have nothing to do with the psychological health of the child. I am sure that any illness of a child is a reason to ask questions: “What am I doing wrong? What happens in our relationship? The vast majority of children are very healthy and strong beings who “go into illness” primarily because of psychological problems.

Of course, anxiety symptoms are also any behavioral things that go beyond the rules recognized in society. In short, if you just don’t like something in a child, it’s already worth going to a psychotherapist or psychologist and sorting out the situation.

— By and large, it turns out that it is time for almost all parents to go to specialists?

Yes. And all because there is no institution of proper education in the country, we are not taught how to be parents. Therefore, all the “jambs” that were in the relationship with our parents, we project onto our children, adding our own as well. Moreover, in the overwhelming majority of cases, it is the parents, not the children, who should work with the psychiatrist. Over the many years of my work in a children’s and adolescent psychiatric dispensary, I rarely came across cases when it was really necessary to work purposefully with a child. Most often, it was enough to correct the behavior of the parents. A child is a light bulb, an indicator that something is wrong in the family. There is no point in treating him until the conditions in the family have changed. Otherwise, it will turn out like with the very text that I typed on the computer, printed out and found errors. Instead of correcting these errors, I continue to output more and more new copies to the printer with the stubbornness of a maniac in the hope that this will correct the situation …

— Can a parent look at his actions impartially and correct something on his own?

— Of course not. The system cannot change itself, it is changed only by going beyond. The ideal solution is to work with a specialist. Alternatively, seek advice from a trustworthy person who is successful with their children.

— How much do kindergarten and school help in raising children?

– They don’t help at all. We, parents, educators and teachers, have long been confused and forgot two simple things. School and kindergarten – teach, family – educates. These two spheres must never intersect. And personally, I am sure that the school has no right to raise your child, and you should not do his homework. When they explained to me at a parent meeting how to fill out this or that notebook, I was surprised: “Why are you telling me all this? Discuss with your son: he is a student.” I withdrew from the learning process, and, as practice has shown, this is very useful. The teachers were initially shocked by this position, but very soon they realized that I was adamant, and we find a common language.

I’m not saying that I’m completely indifferent to what’s going on in the child’s school. If he asks me for help with his homework, I will do my best. But only in this case. I don’t check diaries, at one time I explained to the elder how to forge my signature, and I didn’t know the trouble. Not that I taught the child to lie, I just explained to him that in the modern world there are conventions that we are forced to comply with. No matter how idiotic they are.

By the way, in general, I think that if you go to parent-teacher meetings, then definitely with the child. This is his study, his life, his problems. How can you discuss them without the one for whom it matters most?

School and kindergarten, in addition to education, partly perform only one more function – the socialization of the child. It gives models of how to interact with other people, with society, with authorities. Those models that are sometimes built in our educational institutions, I do not consider healthy and normal. Therefore, compromises with the school should be as formal as possible.

– Parents are very afraid that their child will get into bad company, as a result – crime and drugs. Are there practical tips to reduce the risks?

– If such questions arise, then you have already crushed your child, completely suppressed his personality. Remember what we talked about: if you bring up an internal reference in your child, then in any company he will be a leader, and there should be no fear that someone will influence him at all.

If there is no internal reference, the only thing I can offer is training with professionals. You need to learn how to transfer responsibility for his life to the child, then, in my experience, everything is normal: the son or daughter will begin to think about the consequences, in which case they, as a rule, leave bad companies.

And remember that drugs appear in a child’s life when there is no mutual respect in the family and there is an attempt of total control by the parents. After all, those who sell drugs purposefully look for such troubled teenagers and offer them “freedom”. How are they drawn into a drug addict company and into sects? A person is told: “Here you will be accepted as you are.” Can you imagine how creepy that sounds to parents? That is, they do not perceive their child like that? It turns out that it is.

For someone it will be news that after five years the child is formed and we can influence his character very indirectly. What to do? First, it is completely useless to feel guilty about missed opportunities. Take the situation philosophically, I would even say karmically: everything that you could do, you did. Now let your children take responsibility for their own lives. Do it in stages if you’re scared right away. That is, if you transferred the responsibility for washing dishes, cups and mugs to your son or daughter, you no longer wash. If you have transferred responsibility for cleaning the room, then you never again look into it in order to check for the presence of a mess and never remind you of cleaning.

At first, the room will be a mess, believe me. At first, you will be tested: how sincerely did you transfer responsibility? And when the understanding that everything is serious comes (it usually takes from two weeks to two months), the child will decide how to live on. If the rest of the apartment is kept clean and the dishes are washed, with almost one hundred percent probability I can say that in the child’s room on some wonderful day you will see changes for the better. Perhaps it will be a different order, not close to you. This will be his order, and he will be comfortable in it. But is that really what we’re after?

Read also:

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• “Impressionable to death” — about the attitude of Belarusians to advertising and bright images

• Has God come? Why does a modern Belarusian need faith and why does it become more popular every year

Reprinting text and photos of Onliner.