In laws babysitting: Mother-In-Law as Nanny | Alpha Mom

Mother-In-Law as Nanny | Alpha Mom

Hi Amalah!

I always knew when we started having kids I’d want to be a SAHM, at least until they were in school. Well, I’m due with my first in a couple of weeks and unfortunately we can’t afford for me to stay home with her after maternity leave ends. At least I get to take 12 weeks, but after that I had no idea what I was going to do with her.

I was starting to look into daycare when recently my MIL approached me and asked if I’d found anyone to watch the baby yet. I said no, and that it was stressing me out. She then tearfully proceeded to ask if I “would allow her grandmother to watch her.” I’m not sure why exactly she was emotional about it- was it because I hadn’t approached her to ask myself? Was is it because she considers it a huge honor? I had no idea, but what could I say? I told her yes. After she left I promptly burst into tears.

I know it sounds crazy- my MIL is one of the sweetest, most generous people I know. It will be a tremendous financial burden off of us, and I know the baby will be in the most loving hands. It’s a huge sacrifice for her to take my infant full time and she will spoil the baby to death. But here’s the thing, as much as I love my MIL, she drives me absolutely bat-shit crazy sometimes. She’s helpful to the point of being intrusive and VERY opinionated. She has something to say about EVERYTHING. She does not understand the concept of comfortable silence- she must ALWAYS be talking.

As well-intentioned as she is, my MIL can rub my nerves completely raw. And she will be raising my child 40 hours a week. Given my MIL’s strong-willed, very opinionated personality, I’m worried about being steam-rolled as a parent, that she’ll become too possessive (you should see how she is with our dog), plus I don’t want her aggravating tendencies to rub off on my baby as she gets older.

I’m generally a very logical person. Maybe I’m being too paranoid- or just jealous that someone else gets to bond all day with my baby when I can’t, which is literally heart-wrenching for me. I know I should be grateful and maybe I’m not giving my MIL enough credit. Still, how do I lay boundaries to prevent my fears from coming true?

Signed,

Always with the MIL issues

I don’t think you’re being too paranoid — this is one of those situations with a very large pro/con list, and you were basically put on the spot and guilted into agreeing before you had any time to weigh those pros and cons. Not cool. Even if you had ultimately agreed to go the MIL-as-nanny route, it would have been much, MUCH better if you had initially responded with a “Let me think about that offer and discuss it with Husband first.” And then “hired” her in a more formal way, with fewer tears and more “okay, but here are the ground rules” talks right from the start. 20/20 hindsight — totally the worst.

Having a family member as a primary caretaker is wonderful for many reasons. It’s an enormous financial load off your shoulders. You can rest easy knowing your baby is with someone who truly loves them and who is going to (hopefully) remain a stable, long-term fixture in her life. You don’t have to worry about any of the issues that come with traditional daycare, like unscheduled closings, inflexible hours, germs (and using YOUR sick days to stay home with a sick kid, only to get sick yourself with no leave left), rowdy older kids, and just that general nagging worry that your baby isn’t getting as much one-on-one attention as you’d like.

But oh, those cons. Those boundaries! Those mild in-law annoyances ratcheted up to 11! While ANY childcare arrangement requires a good deal of compromise and acceptance that no nanny or daycare in the world is going to always do things exactly the way you would, it can feel so, so PERSONAL when it’s your mom or MIL. And without good communication, it’s easy to let every little thing fester. You think she’s undermining you at every turn. She thinks you’re taking advantage of her by working late too many nights in a row. Why can’t she stick to the nap schedule? Why don’t you understand that sometimes your baby just doesn’t give a crap about your precious nap schedule? Why did you ever agree to this and how can you get out of it? Why did she ever agree to this and how can she get out of it? GAAAHHHHHHHH.

Our family all lived too far away to ever be a regular childcare option — though my MIL has said repeatedly that if we moved closer she’d nanny for us in a white hot second, and we do rely on them for any sort of overnight/travel-related care. So based on my not-entirely-equal experience, I’ll give this advice: As a first-time mom, I was simply wound way, way too tight to deal with an opinionated  family member as nanny, so know yourself. Your jealousy is natural and normal — and while it might feel illogical to be MORE jealous of a family member than a hired caretaker, I don’t actually think it is. Your MIL won’t be getting your money, but she will get that day-to-day emotional experience of bonding with your baby that you’re worried you’re missing out on. You need to come to terms with the fact that you have to work, maybe grieve a little for your lost SAHM dream, and then focus solidly on what childcare arrangement is best for your daughter. Some emotional homework for you, there.

As a second- and third-time mom, on the other hand, I would have been TOTALLY DOWN for my MIL nannying when they were newborns and babies (provided I worked outside the home, that is, rather than from home). I know we would have clashed on a few things (sleep training, sticking to meal schedules, BABIES DON’T NEED WATER OH MY GOD FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME) but I think I would have been chill enough to pick the right battles and let the rest go out of gratitude for the free care.

BUT the arrangement would have had to come to an end once they got older. In hindsight, fretting over her preference to rock my babies solidly to sleep instead of putting them in the crib drowsy-but-awake really isn’t as big of a deal as the disagreements we have now. I don’t really want to broadcast the specific details, but I think we have very similar MILs with similar personalities and yes. The stakes go up, as do the opportunities for undermining, once your kid is verbal and old enough to get confused by Things Grandma Told Me That Mom & Dad Don’t Agree With. The value of free overnight childcare has diminished over the past couple years, because I feel like we end up paying for it in other ways.

So. If I were you, I would probably accept that at this point, going back on your arrangement would be pretty damn nuclear, emotionally speaking, and if you’re due in just a few weeks it’s probably too late to find anything else anyway. So for now, I’d focus on the pros for your daughter and less on the cons that have to do with her just getting on your nerves. (She’ll be spending 40+ hours a week with your baby, but realistically, YOU’LL only be dealing with her a few minutes each day, so…win?) I mean, yeah, she’ll get on your nerves, but so would maybe getting consistently stuck in traffic on your way to the expensive daycare that charges you a fee for every minute you arrive after pick-up. Her constant talking will be good for your baby, and her confidence in her opinions will mean she probably WON’T be calling you constantly at work with endless questions.

I would also sit down with her NOW to discuss the arrangement in more detail, being blunt and honest that while you are hugely grateful for her sacrifice, you are aware this can be a dicey situation that really depends on good solid two-way communication and trust. If she ever feels like she made too much of a committment, she needs to tell you. If there are childcare directives you give her that are different from the way she did, you need to trust her to understand that this stuff changes with time and follow said directives without arguing. Pick your personal hills to die on (basically anything safety or health related), and agree to let the more petty, minor details slide. Clearly define expectations about responsibilities and schedules — will she be willing to do the baby’s laundry and clean up the kitchen, does she have any social commitments in the evenings that you need to respect and be home on time for, what’s the back-up plan for her taking days off (because for real — she’s going to need days off: vacation time, sick days, appointments, etc. ), how much heads up will you need for said days off, and so on.

Your husband should be involved here, too. And you two will need to have a separate discussion about who will talk to her about any concerns or disagreements that crop up.

You might also still consider a compromise down the road — maybe just one or two days of traditional daycare at some point. (Give your MIL a heads up on the plan sooner rather than later, so she doesn’t think it’s because she’s doing something wrong. Be up front that the arrangement will have an expiration date.) You can position it like your daughter will benefit from the social interaction and structure, and because you understand what a huge time commitment she made and would like to give her a little bit of her life and free time back. If the MIL as nanny situation does turn out to be as irritating/undermining-y as you fear, and your finances allow it, you can slowly up her enrollment.

Or if everything is great with your daughter but you just find you just dread seeing your MIL’s face every morning, try to work out a shift plan with your husband — you go to work first, he stays until MIL shows up, then you relieve her in the afternoons (or vice versa).

Keep your options open, but also your mind. There’s free childcare and then there’s “free” childcare. Your MIL has offered a wonderful, generous gift…but for everybody’s sake it’s totally okay to be cautious about it and not just “wheeeeee! free babysitting! I can now never question her or have any opinion of my own because GRATITUDE!!1!” Maybe everything will be awesome. You can’t deny it’s nice to put the daycare hunt on hold and keep more of your paycheck, and having her as a nanny will be 100% more logistically convenient than using a daycare center, and a 1,000% cheaper than hiring a FT nanny on your own. The things that annoy you might have absolutely no negative bearing on your daughter, at least not at first. But if you can’t keep the lines of communication open without your nerves snapping, it’ll probably be best for everyone to explore alternate arrangements.

Alcoholic in-laws want to babysit, parenting advice from Care and Feeding.

Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by elebeZoom/iStock/Getty Images Plus.

Slate Plus members get more Care and Feeding every week.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My in-laws, who live locally, are heavy drinkers. They start in the morning and continue all day. They bring flasks to every visit with us. They habitually drink while driving: They show up with roadies and make fresh ones before they leave. They rarely (but not never) get sloppy during these visits, but I know they are drunk. They are also extremely eager to babysit for our now 5-month-old, and the question of whether they can ever be alone with the baby has become a big point of contention in my marriage. My husband (who believes that his parents are heavy drinkers, but not alcoholics) has told them that they must not drink before or during babysitting, and they readily agreed; however, they have continued the drinking habits described above during visits with us even after that conversation.

After much discussion, my husband and I agreed that we will keep any babysitting short and during the day. He refuses to have a franker discussion with them about our concerns, because he believes that they will abide by the rule he set down. I do not. I believe that they are alcoholics and have no control over their drinking, that they could not abide by this rule even if they wanted to. I am already uncomfortable and anxious about the limited daytime babysitting we’ve agreed to—which has not yet occurred, and which is becoming an issue for them (exacerbated by the fact that my parents, also local, have babysat numerous times).

Now we want to go on a trip, just the two of us, after the baby turns one. In an ideal world, the two sets of local grandparents would split the time caring for our child in our absence. But there’s no way I’m ever leaving my kid with my in-laws overnight. I do not believe that they can drink in moderation, I do not believe that they will refrain from drinking for more than a few hours at a time (if that), and I believe it would be reckless to leave our child with people who habitually drink while driving, even if they promise not to do it while he is in the car.

But it was a big deal for my husband to raise the subject about staying sober while babysitting. I have not yet told him my feelings about sleepovers and about driving (never ever ever), but I previewed my position about leaving our son solely in my parents’ care when we travel, and he seemed potentially receptive. Questions: Am I being unreasonable? Should his parents be given the chance to show that they can abide by a no-drinking-while-babysitting rule? Even if they can, is an absolute boundary against sleepovers and driving reasonable in these circumstances? And: Husband wants to go on this trip (and therefore will, I think, ultimately agree to care solely by my parents) but doesn’t want to hurt his parents’ feelings. How do we even begin to approach this while abiding by my husband’s preference not to discuss this massive elephant in the room with his parents?

— Biased Against Boozy Babysitters

Dear Biased,

1. Content Lockedfor Slate Plus members

   My Mother-in-Law Says I Cut My Kids Out of Her Life. It’s for Her Own Good.

2. My Child’s Teacher is Really Sick. What Do I Tell My Kid?

3. Content Lockedfor Slate Plus members

   My Son Is Holding a Grudge Against His Dad … for Something I Did!

4. My Wife Is a Total Slob—and Her Justification for the Mess Is Absurd

The question of whether or not your in-laws are alcoholics or “just heavy drinkers” is moot.
(Although I recognize that it is not moot to your husband, who does not want to believe his parents could be alcoholics, or to the heavy drinkers themselves, who do not seem to believe they have a problem.) I would not waste energy debating this with your husband, and if he does not feel up to the task of dealing head on with the elephant in his parents’ living room, he is going to have to come up with some other way to explain to them that the two of you cannot leave your child in their care. If he refuses to do this, I’m afraid you are going to have to tell them yourself (and I’m sorry if that turns out to be the case).

Alas, your husband needs to recognize that hurting his parents’ feelings is the least of (any of) your problems. People who drink while driving are engaging in a criminal act as well as an unethical one. People who drink all day long and bring flasks when they visit others will not hold themselves to a promise not to drink for any amount of time. They are humoring their son, since they clearly don’t think there’s anything wrong with what they’re doing; that he does not or cannot see this is sad, but immaterial to your decision-making about childcare. You cannot leave your child in your in-law’s care, ever. If your husband balks at this, you are going to have to stand your ground. Marriage counseling may be in your near future.

com/_components/slate-paragraph/instances/cl5lh587u001l356plx8dbcdg@published”>— Michelle

Advice

Family

Parenting

Slate Plus

My in-laws won’t babysit our children | Family

I would like some advice on how best to initiate a conversation with my in-laws about their approach to being grandparents. They recently retired, are in good health and financially comfortable. They live not far from us in a large house with a garden, and have the space to look after the grandchildren (we have two young children) for an evening if they wish to. Except that does not appear to be an option.

We have regular (day) childcare, but thought it would be helpful if they could take the boys for an evening every few weeks so my wife and I could go out, which we do rarely. But each time we have tried to set this up, my in-laws have changed their mind at the last minute.

As it seems they are not ready for this, we have stopped trying to set up time with them alone with the boys. Our boys love them very much, and the in-laws do love spending time with all four of us – although I think of them as a bit cat-like; the love always has to be on their terms.

When we got married my father-in-law threatened to cut off his daughter, and not attend the wedding unless she complied with one of his requests. These threats to cut off are not made idly. My father-in-law has form – he no longer talks to his sister and has only recently repaired things with one of his adult children.

I regard him as a controlling individual. I have no idea what my mother-in-law’s influence is; they operate very much as a unit, and I have never spent time with one without the other. Apart from the control, they also appear to be motivated by material things and their home is immaculate. I strongly suspect, although they deny it, that this is behind their reluctance to take the boys into their home.

My wife does not want to force the issue with them. She is concerned that, if pushed, they will withdraw and this will damage their relationship with the boys. She loves her parents, despite being exasperated by them. I want to be able to talk to my in-laws about my concerns like an adult, but my experience of their family dynamic over the 10 years I have known them makes me feel it is unlikely to go well.

It is a brutal moment when you learn you can’t choose your in-laws, you can’t change them and you really don’t like them very much. And while, almost every week, I advocate communication – this week, the word acceptance keeps coming to mind, lit like a neon sign in my head. You are never going to change your in-laws and so I think you have to radically change your expectations of them.

I also couldn’t quite get over your expectation that they should babysit. And I wonder if they sense this and resent it and are trying to keep you in your place without saying anything.

Your father-in-law may be a control freak – you may be, too, by the way, and it may be a case of you butting antlers here. He may be scared of getting it wrong with your children or with you. He may be trying to be “respectful” in a way that seems odd to you. He may not ever have been shown how to “do” emotions. What sort of father was he? There was no mention of that in your longer letter. There was also absolutely no mention, at all, of your family, which I found strange.

One could ponder for hours on the whys and wherefores, and indeed I have – but you started your letter with a question and to help me answer it, I consulted the psychotherapist Marcus West (bpc.org.uk). He wonders if you and your wife might “be able to work through your expectations and disappointment? You may then be able to address the matter in a simple, straightforward manner, asking, for example, whether there is anything you can do to facilitate your in-laws having the boys, and whether it would be easier if they came over to your house to do so (and perhaps for a short time on the first occasion)? This might hopefully facilitate a good, open discussion and outcome, especially if you are prepared to accept, ‘We’re sorry but we can’t manage it’ for an answer. ”

Simple though this is, I think this is the way forward.

What should be a straightforward question has become so locked and loaded that I could feel the tension from your letter.

West says: “Do not start with ‘I want to talk about your grandparenting style’ and, instead, simply try to ask ‘Would you be able to babysit next week?’ Could you do that without an edge?”

Could you? I also think you need to listen to your wife here. She knows her parents best.

You say your father-in-law has form with cutting people out of his life, so I would take that possibility seriously, but your in-laws are happy to spend time with all of you. I would go with that. Things may shift as your children get older – in the meantime, ask someone else to babysit.

I wondered if you examined – beyond the babysitting, beyond your father-in-law’s obsessive housekeeping, and his expectations when you got engaged – what it is that so annoys you about him? I wonder, in short, if he reminds you of someone else.

Contact Annalisa Barbieri, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU or email [email protected]. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence

Follow Annalisa on Twitter @AnnalisaB

10 tips for dealing with in-laws when you have a baby: interfering, boundaries and taking over | Life as a parent articles & support

Dealing with in-laws can be tricky when you have a baby, whether it’s disapproval of your parenting or them handing your child sweets. Here are our tips.

While you might have had the odd awkward moment with your in-laws pre-baby over your plans for the festive season, having a child can cause a lot more. Now they have a new role as your child’s grandparents, they might feel they can interfere in your life more. You’ll also undoubtedly have things you disagree with them on.

Here’s how to deal with it so that you don’t end up having a full-on family fallout…

1. Be kind

If you’ve started going over how much they are irritating you in your head, when or if you do decide to speak to them about things, it might come out in a torrent of resentment. Instead, try to take a deep breath and balance out the problems with all of the nice things they do that you appreciate. No seriously, rack your brains (kidding).

Think about what was positive about their parenting when they raised their own children. After all, they must have done something right to bring up the person you chose as your partner. You might even be doing some of the same things they did (Kidspot, 2017).

2. Make sure your partner leads things

Delivering a message your in-laws won’t like, such as requesting a shorter visit, is much better coming from your partner. If you deliver the message, they might harbour resentment for a long time after this conversation is over if you manage to insult them. If your partner leads things, well, they are their child so they can’t be angry at them for that long (Motherly, 2018; NewParent, 2018; WeHaveKids, 2018).

Do make sure though that it’s clear you and your partner share a united front and this stuff is coming from both of you.

3. Be firm on the things that are important to you

It’s ok to have boundaries. They’re your child.

If you don’t want them to drink juice, watch TV for five hours a day or have the kind of nap that’ll mean they’re awake until 10pm, then you can say so. You can do it firmly and clearly but without being rude.

You have your family values that need to be communicated with your in-laws (FamilyEducation, 2018). If you talk from the viewpoint of your child’s needs, grandparents are more likely to understand and change anything that could confuse your child (Kidspot, 2017).

4. Understand things from their perspective

If your in-laws are doing some regular childcare for you, you may have to accept that – like you – they do the things that get them through a long day with a newborn or toddler.

It might mean your child does watch a bit more TV because your in-laws are exhausted. It might mean your baby falls asleep on the sofa as they couldn’t get them to nap in the cot. Whatever it is, you might have to bite your tongue and go with it.

Some things don’t really matter in the big scheme of things. Think how much help you are getting from your in-laws and what your children are getting from their relationship with their grandparents (Kidspot, 2017).

5. Write down their good traits and read over the list when you’re mad

If you have interfering in-laws, that probably means your child has grandparents who love them. They obviously care about them and may well be up for babysitting on that Saturday in November when you’re desperate to go to your friend’s wedding.

Keep it in your mind – the wedding, the wedding – when they’re driving you nuts. Use your sense of humour and try to gently laugh it off when an in-law is particularly insistent and intrusive (Motherly, 2018).

6. Get examples ready

If you decide you do need to talk to them about their interfering or pushing their parenting ideas on you, have specific, recent examples to hand. Otherwise you’ll start floundering and your points will feel less constructive and more OTT.

If you don’t want your in-laws to look after your child, maybe because they are physically or mentally not capable of doing so, it’s better to clear the issue with them upfront. This might also help you to compromise on something else that will work for everyone, like all of you spending a few hours with your baby together at a park or zoo (Healthdirect, 2018).

7. Don’t enter into every row

If you flip out every time your mother-in-law tells you that smacking, rusks or whisky on the dummy was fine in her day, you’ll probably lose your mind. Instead, walk away and pick your battles: namely, only the ones that actually affect your child, not the theoretical child-raising ones (FamilyEducation, 2018).

Tell your mother-in-law that the method you have chosen does not reflect a judgement of their parenting (Parents, 2005). More than likely, your mother-in-law is feeling defensive that you think her methods were wrong as they differ so much to yours. She’s probably trying in her way to justify herself. Nagging can mean she thinks her advice is not being taken seriously or is being ignored (Parents, 2005).

8. Try not to ask for too many favours

Obviously, the occasional babysitting stint is great. But leaning on in-laws for every bit of help, advice and childcare that you need can make them feel like they have earned the right to interfere. Remember, they also need time alone and they are entitled to say they have other plans (NewParent, 2018).

9. Pick out the useful parts

The tut-tutting about the state of your kitchen two weeks after you had your baby might not have been helpful. Nor was the suggestion that by cuddling your child you’re creating problems for yourself in the future (Kidspot, 2017).

But when your in-laws say something vaguely useful, cling to it and tell them very enthusiastically how helpful that was. What we’re saying here is: throw them a bone (Motherly, 2018).

10. Focus on the joyous parts

Try to steer conversation or phone messages away from how you choose to feed your baby, and towards the cute thing that they did today at the park. Bonus points if you can thank and appreciate your in-law for their help in being part of this, if they were (Motherly 2018).

The one thing you’ll definitely have a shared view on is how wonderful your child is. So if in doubt, stick to the joyous side of things for now.

This page was last reviewed in November 2018.

Further information

Our support line offers practical and emotional support with feeding your baby and general enquiries for parents, members and volunteers: 0300 330 0700.

We also offer antenatal courses which are a great way to find out more about birth, labour and life with a new baby.

Make friends with other parents-to-be and new parents in your local area for support and friendship by seeing what NCT activities are happening nearby.

In-Laws Don’t Help With The Grandchildren? Here’s What To Do

While many grandparents are excited to become the “built-in babysitter” for their grandkids and can’t get enough time with them, some grandparents definitely don’t want that to be their title — for a myriad of reasons. Whether you have a fabulous relationship with your in-laws or a rocky relationship, it’s always tough when dealing with in-laws who don’t help with grandchildren — or even worse, toxic grandparents. Family dynamics and relationships can be tricky things to navigate, especially if the people that you’re dealing with are your in-laws, not your own immediate family. Throw little kids in to the mix and it’s an entirely different ballgame. Experts explain what to do when grandparents aren’t as involved in your kids’ life as you’d like them to be and how to set healthy boundaries so everyone can feel loved, happy, and fulfilled.

Why don’t my in-laws have any interest in their grandchildren?

JGI/Tom Grill/Tetra images/Getty Images

There could be many reasons your in-laws don’t help with grandchildren, or aren’t responding to your child in the way that you hoped, says Katie Lear, a licensed clinical mental health counselor and registered play therapist. Their disengagement could be caused by a not-so-serious problem or a major problem. “On the not-so-serious end of things, it’s possible your child is simply at an age that their grandparents feel less comfortable with, or didn’t particularly enjoy parenting themselves,” she says.

For example, many people find newborn babies very intimidating — especially if you aren’t as physically adept as you once were, Lear adds. “Maybe your child’s grandparent has always had a hard time connecting with toddlers, but is fantastic with older children once they become more verbal and can carry a conversation,” she says.

Consider your own role in the relationship

It’s important to also take your own expectations into account, according to Lear. If your expectations about what grandparents should do simply don’t line up with what your in-laws envisioned, that could be causing issues.

“Many grandparents don’t want to become the default babysitter,” explains Kaitlin Soule, a licensed therapist with a specialty in anxiety and maternal mental health. That may be something that you simply need to accept about your in-laws. “But, when grandparents seem to want little or nothing to do with their grandchildren it can be a painful and confusing experience.”

Why in-laws don’t help with grandchildren

MoMo Productions/DigitalVision/Getty Images

“While we can’t know exactly why a grandparent has made the choice to be uninvolved, we can remember that it likely has much more to do with their issues than ours,” she says. “Baggage or issues they haven’t worked through (i.e. their own trauma, rigidity, addiction, guilt, shame, etc.) are likely affecting their ability to show up for their grandkids.”

If your in-laws call out your parenting style as a reason for their lack of involvement, Soule points out that you don’t have to accept that reason at face value. “Healthy adults are able to put that aside in order to find a way to show up for their grandchildren in some capacity,” she explains.

It could also be based on your relationship with the in-laws, according to Lear. “If there are difficult dynamics in your relationship with your in-laws, those can impact their bond with your kids, too,” she says. Which leads to the more serious end of the spectrum of reasons. “Finally, on the more serious end of the spectrum, you want to rule out any possible biases or prejudices a grandparent might hold that could be negatively influencing how they perceive your child,” Lear says.

What to do with uninvolved grandparents

Don’t give up hope just yet. If your relationship with your in-laws needs a little work, there are ways to work towards repair. “Before jumping to conclusions, take a step back and question whether what you’re really dealing with is a mismatch in expectations, rather than genuine disinterest,” Lear suggests. Ask yourself:

• Are you close with the grandparents or in-laws yourself?
• Did you spend a lot of time together and offer each other a lot of help before your child was born?
• Do you or your spouse recall what your own parents (or in-laws) were like as parents when you were around the age your child is right now?
• Could it be that your in-laws are showing affection in unexpected ways or ways you didn’t consider to be ‘love’ at first?

There’s also a difference between not being able — physically, financially, emotionally — to help you out and not wanting to give attention to a child. Again, it’s essential to be sure your expectations are in line with your in-laws’ capacity.

“Parents are so over extended these days and childcare is so hard to come by that it’s only natural to hope that grandparents will be able to lend a helping hand. In reality, not all grandparents will be willing or able to do this. They may not have the physical or emotional capacity they once did to care for energetic little kids,” she says.

“It’s a painful truth, but at the end of the day we can only change our own behavior. While it’s hard, the best thing we can do is work towards acceptance and focusing on the things we can control,” Soule explains.

What are signs of a toxic grandparent?

The question of whether your in-law is a toxic grandparent is a different story all together and would require a very different approach to the relationship. Signs of a toxic grandparent or in-law include:

• manipulation
• Not respecting boundaries
• Gaslighting
• Playing favorites

Toxic people usually use manipulation as a way to cause fractures in relationships, Soule explains. When it comes to grandparents, this usually shows up as telling their grandchildren damaging things about other family members. If you notice a pattern of consistently defying the boundaries you’ve made clear — that’s definitely problematic and could indicate toxicity in the relationship.

If you notice that each time you have a confrontation or difficult conversation with your in-laws about their behavior, you walk away feeling like you’re the one who did something wrong, that is gaslighting. “If you choose to continue to have a relationship with a toxic grandparent, it’s critical that you create, set, and hold boundaries,” Soule says.

Whether you need your in-laws to spend more time with their grandchildren or simply hope that they will, clear, non-judgmental communication is key. Taking some time to turn inward and consider your own expectations — and whether or not they are realistic — is a healthy step to take, too.

Sources interviewed:

Katie Lear, a licensed clinical mental health counselor and registered play therapist

Kaitlin Soule, a licensed therapist with a specialty in anxiety and maternal mental health

Note To My Mother-In-Law Outlining Protocall for Babysitting My Son for the First Time

Dear Mom (do not, under any circumstances, tell my mother I addressed you that way),

We’re nervous. I have to be honest with you. My wife (your daughter) asked, “Honey, should we leave a note for her?” and to be the strong one, I told her to trust you. That, Jesus Christ, you are the boy’s grandmother, and so on. The truth, though, is that we’re unsure, which is why you are finding this note wrapped around the liverwurst I know you love so much. My wife knows nothing about this.

I hope you know that it would be best not to tell her about this note. You wouldn’t be protecting me, mind you, but the fragile confidence your daughter has developed thanks to my assurances and tender words regarding your competence as a grandmotherly person. Consider this our little secret.

About the boy: He’s still a little reluctant around strangers, and especially strange women. I know, I know, you’re not really a stranger. But the truth is that he hardly knows you, what with you living more than 250 miles from us and him beginning to enter that ants-in-the-pants stage whenever we take road trips. (You’re not still thinking about moving down here, are you?)

Oh, by the way, whatever you do, don’t flush the toilet.

As parents of the twenty-first century, we’re attempting to raise our son in a way far superior to the methods our parents employed. So it’s important you don’t raise your voice above a level we like to call “concerned.” To help you understand the distinguishing characteristics of our interpretations, I’ve converted the levels of reprimand to a context you will be most familiar with:

1. Hysterical: This approximates the incomprehensible screaming and hurtful words you levied upon my wife (your daughter) when, at the age of three, she attempted to console you during one of your bouts of depression after my father-in-law (your ex-husband) walked out on the two of you. If I’m remembering my wife’s tear-laden words correctly, you yelled, “Get the hell away from me,” and you slapped her. Under no circumstances may hysterical be employed around our son.

2. Irrational: You can think of this one as featuring a pointless rant and futile reasoning. Example: Last time we were up to see you, my wife walked from our bedroom (your guest room, the one with the major draft in the window that I hope by now you’ve sealed up because I honestly could not stand to spend another night in that frigid box) to the bathroom in nothing but her T-shirt and underwear. You told her she was not to walk around the house that way. Remember? She said, “Why? I’m just going in the use the bathroom,” and you said, “I don’t have to tell you why. It’s my house and you’ll do what I say.” May I remind you that my wife celebrated her twenty-eighth birthday earlier this year? Irrational can’t happen because we are making it a practice of always explaining our reasoning to our son. Sure, he’s only two, but the kid’s a genius. He understands everything we say.

3. Overreactive: You know this one well. Perhaps too well. Overractive recalls the moments from my wife’s (your daughter’s) youth when, while trying to satisfy her youthful curiosity about unknown objects around the home, she constantly heard you yell, “What are you doing?” You screamed the words at her like she was eating road kill off your kitchen floor. This concerns me. Our son (your grandson) enjoys roaming about the house discovering new things. Sometimes, he will put these new things in his mouth. Allow this to happen. We’ve childproofed our home, so there’s no need to overreact when our son roams a bit.

4. Concerned: This is the only disciplinary tone that is acceptable in our home. (Please remember, mom, that this is our home.) If you’re in a pinch and can only seem to summon one of the aforementioned disciplinary tones, just recall some of our conversations. I was excited about my idea of my wife (your daughter) spreading her fondness of baking to the rest of our little urban community. I wanted to sell her pecan tassies, raspberry torts, and peach scones out of the house. It might be difficult to recall that conversation since you call here just about every single fucking day. (Oh goodness, did I just write that?) Perhaps you’ll recall this golden response: “I see myself having concerns.” Then you went on to say, “I’m only thinking about what’s best for my daughter and grandson. ” Your concern is heartfelt, obviously, even if it doesn’t include a concern for my well-being. (Remember that time I told you that I never, ever forget?)

One other thing: our son (your grandson) has developed a bit of lactose intolerance. The doctor says it’s normal and temporary, but that we should monitor it closely. Please avoid slicing bits of mozzarella for the boy while you’re cutting it up for yourself. Also, no milk. And (big favor here) when you change his diaper, if you would scoop some of his cute little poopies onto your fingers and feel the consistency, wash your hands thoroughly, then record your findings on the attached spreadsheet, it would be most appreciated. Throw away the little miniature golf scorecard pencil when you’ve finished. I left 100 of them in a box for you next to the toaster.

Our son’s bedtime is 8 PM. You should go to bed soon after that. Try to keep in mind how you get when you stay up all night playing solitaire on our computer.

Holy God, I sure hope you don’t flush the toilet.

Thanks for your help.

With much affection,

Your loving son-in-law (your daughter’s husband)

What standards exist when choosing the perfect nanny for a child

Tatler.ru columnist, lawyer and partner of BGP Litigation Victoria Dergunova shares life hacks on how to find a good nanny and what requirements she must meet.

Finding a good nanny for most parents is a serious problem. The end of quarantine and the now mandatory presence in the office (together with the extension of border closures) has generated a new surge in demand for babysitting services.

Parents are helped by special agencies that provide services for the selection of domestic staff. Their duties include not only searching for a candidate, but also checking his resume. In theory, the agency should make sure that the potential applicant not only meets the professional criteria, but also has all the necessary documents and certificates that guarantee the safety of his interaction with the baby.

However, no one gives guarantees that the customer will be provided with reliable information. It is enough to look at the number of ads in Internet search engines offering to purchase certificates of any sample for money. In addition, the possibility of thorough verification is severely limited by the law on the protection of personal data.

Oksana Pushkina, Deputy Head of the State Duma Committee on Family, Women and Children, took up the task of solving this problem.

What is the standard and how can it be used

Currently, this certification is voluntary. This means that the nanny herself decides whether to receive the appropriate document or not. Having a certificate is definitely a competitive advantage. However, demand is so much greater than supply that finding a certified nanny is not an easy task.

Despite this, the current professional standard “Nanny (child care worker)” can be useful to parents today. It outlines the basic requirements, responsibilities, skills and knowledge that a nanny should have. Parents can now use it as a checklist for checking potential candidates.

What a certified nanny should be like

The standard specifies the responsibilities of a nanny, which are divided into appropriate blocks with a detailed description.

Education

The minimum required for a nanny is secondary general education and vocational training in vocational training programs.

It is important for a future nanny to find a common language with a child and, in addition to natural charm, it is necessary to be able to observe the mental and physical state of children, be able to establish contact and master ways to maintain positive relationships in a group.

Medical certificates

The standard prescribes several mandatory medical examinations: preliminary (upon employment), periodic and extraordinary.

The person who is near the children and provides care and supervision should not expose the child to the risk of contracting any dangerous infection, disease, and so on.

No criminal record

The current labor legislation describes special rules for carrying out activities in areas directly related to minors. In particular, persons who have or have had a criminal record or who have been prosecuted for a fairly broad category of crimes are not allowed to raise a child.

First Aid

First aid training is a requirement. And it is precisely for children of the age with which the future nanny is going to work.

The standard also states that the nanny must have knowledge of sanitary rules and standards for caring for children.

Ethics and morality

Compliance with legal, moral and ethical standards, requirements of professional ethics.

Nanny’s duties

In the same standard, in addition to the requirements for the nanny herself, her labor functions are also prescribed, which are divided depending on the age of the child: infants (up to one year old), young children (from one to three years old), children of preschool age (from three years), as well as separately allocated care for children of preschool age with disabilities (HIA) and children with disabilities.

So, for example, a nanny of a newborn, in addition to changing clothes, preparing food for him and providing hygiene care, should look after him during sleep, conduct educational games and exercises.

A child under the age of three needs to develop the skill of independent eating, organize sleep, and conduct active, educational games in the fresh air.

Job responsibilities of a Certified Babysitter include guiding preschool children to walks, classes, and activities, supervising their behavior when interacting with other children and adults, and keeping facilities, equipment, bedding, and toys clean.

A mandatory requirement for everyone is to regularly inform parents about the well-being of their babies.

Civil contract and ways to terminate it

In groups where parents communicate, you can often find requests to recommend a good and conscientious nanny. In the same groups, one of the most frequently asked questions is a request to share a standard agreement with a nanny. Today it is an ordinary civil law contract. It describes the rules of conduct and duties of a nanny (for example, come to work without delay, maintain personal hygiene, keep the children’s room clean and tidy, children’s underwear, toys and personal belongings of the child; do not leave the baby unattended, and so on.). In this agreement, the parent is usually responsible for payment and additional payments (for joint vacation trips, cohabitation, overnight stays, processing, etc.).

Unfortunately, it is impossible to come up with any penalties, except for those provided for by civil law (unless we are talking about child abuse, the responsibility for which is already established in the law – administrative or criminal codes). So, none of the parties is immune from dishonest behavior. Therefore, it is currently impossible to track negative feedback from parents in most situations.

The application of certain norms and standards to employees of children’s medical and educational organizations does not seem to be something special to anyone. People who every day communicate with the still fragile minds and psyches of children, when they work in an organization, understand that they have a great responsibility. Why, then, when such a person comes to the family, the same rules do not apply to him? What is the difference between a child at school and a child who is forced to stay at home due to quarantine. The answer, it seems to me, is obvious. And the rules of the game should be equal for everyone.

Source – Tatler

what are the differences from a nanny and how to find a babysitter

Nadya Tsvetkova

half went on maternity leave

I returned to work three months after the birth of my daughter.

Up to nine months it was tolerable: my daughter slept a lot, could occupy herself and did not really destroy the room while I was working. Then it became more difficult, and my husband and I decided to hire assistants.

Now we invite babysitters 1-2 times a week for 4-9hours. From November to February, we had eight of them, two became permanent. I’ll tell you how we find them and how much their services cost.

How babysitters differ from nannies

When parents think about child care assistants, they usually think of nannies first. But these are permanent employees, and there are several difficulties associated with them:

1. Full-time babysitting services are expensive. For example, in May 2020, nannies in Moscow receive 63,651 R per month.
2. It takes a long time and carefully to choose a nanny, conduct interviews and invite for trial days.
3. There is no guarantee that you will be able to choose an assistant once and for all.
4. For a permanent nanny, you need to provide for vacation and be ready for sick leave.

City of Works salary statistics

All these difficulties are not worth freeing parents 5-10 hours a week. For such cases, babysitters are more suitable, or, as they are also called, nannies for an hour. These are people who are ready to sit with a child for a couple of hours. Sitters can pick up the child from the garden, take them to a circle, take a walk, and even go with the family to visit, a beauty salon or Ikea to entertain the baby while the parents go about their business.

Recently, online babysitters have also appeared: they can play board or word games with the child, read aloud or conduct educational classes via video link. But this option is hardly suitable if the child is under four years old, does not speak well or is afraid of strangers.

Unlike nannies, babysitters are invited for one-time orders and only for a few hours. They are chosen less carefully because there is no permanent job arrangement. Nannies and babysitters are like a housekeeper and a cleaning service, a family cook and food delivery, a tutor and online tutors. If you didn’t like the food from one restaurant, next time you will order from another. And if the babysitter did not follow the child well, next time invite a new one.

Selected articles for parents

Everything you wanted to know about children and money is in our mailing list twice a week along with other materials about money

Who needs babysitters and why

From the outside it seems that maternity leave is a serene time : you don’t have to go to work, take a walk in the park with a stroller and watch TV shows. In reality, colossal responsibility, anxiety and fatigue fall upon young parents. And parenthood is also associated with constant physical labor: the child must be carried in her arms and carried in a stroller, the house has to be cleaned and cooked more often, dishes and laundry are also added. Therefore, one cannot do without help. Babysitter is an opportunity to exhale at least for a while.

When to invite. In my experience, there are several signs that parents need the help of a babysitter:

1. There are no close people nearby who are ready to help with the child, or the parents do not want to strain them.
2. It is hard for parents to come to terms with social isolation and the fact that all the time and even the body is now devoted to caring for a little person.
3. Lack of sleep affects well-being and adequacy – this is especially true for parents of infants.
4. Parents do not want to completely give up their hobbies or work in favor of the baby.
5. The imagination and strength of the parents are no longer enough to make the child interesting and good.
6. Parents avoid the help of relatives because they impose their own methods of raising and caring for the child.

For my husband and me, the decisive reason was that all our close relatives live in other cities. Parents are already old, so it’s hard for them to come often and for a long time. In addition, we ourselves are embarrassed to force relatives to sit with our child for free. Therefore, for us, the services of babysitters have become a way out.

For what purpose. While the assistant is working with my daughter, I devote time to work. For me, this is not only income, but also a favorite thing, and also a way to keep my mind in good shape.

I asked other parents why they usually invite babysitters. The result was the following list:

1. Let the parent replenish the resource: get enough sleep, do what you love, go to the gym.
2. Keep the child busy while the parent is at work.
3. To entertain the older child while the mother takes care of the younger one.
4. Take the child to kindergarten, school, club or pick up from there.
5. Babysitting while adults receive guests.
6. Travel with the family on business to entertain the child. For example, reading a book with a child while mom is cutting her hair.

From what age. My husband and I started inviting helpers only when our daughter was one year old. But I know that many babysitters are able to deal with younger children too: for example, my assistant told me that her youngest pupil was three days old.

/babysitter/

“I made three times less in the office”: how much a babysitter earns

I don’t have an answer as to the right age to leave a child with a new person. Usually, babies begin to separate people into friends and foes from about six months. But all children are different, so the advice here is the same: try and observe the reaction of the child.

How much do the services cost?

Usually, babysitters quote the cost of services per hour and depending on the number of children. Everyone determines the price of his hour, based on experience, education, training courses, certificates and reviews. But in my experience, the price is not an indicator of professionalism: I had an assistant for 500 R per hour, who forgot to wash her hands after the toilet, and for 350 R per hour, who coped with the child better than me.

Prices per hour for a babysitter in Moscow, St. Petersburg and regions

Moscow	250-500 R
St. Petersburg	250-400 R
Novosibirsk	150-300 R
Chelyabinsk	100-400 R
Cheboksary	100-300 R

Moscow

250-500 R

St. Petersburg

250-400 R

Novosibirsk

150-300 R

Chelyabinsk

100-400 R

Cheboksary

100-300 R

The baby may ask for a refund if the order is not cancelled. For example, if canceled in less than 12 hours – 50% of the order value, less than 3 hours – the full cost. In my opinion, this is fair, because the babysitter calculates his time and earnings, and if he cancels, he risks not finding a new order.

Additional charges may apply for travel expenses, parents being late, and taxi costs if the order is late. Sometimes sitters are ready to help with housework or work with a child as a tutor for a fee.

4000 R

cost the most expensive order of a babysitter

Most often we invite a babysitter for 4 hours and pay 1300-2000 R for this, depending on the performer’s tariff. The most expensive order cost 4000 R: the babysitter came for 8 hours.

Services for finding babysitters

I divide services for finding babysitters into three groups: specialized, general and secondary.

Specialized services keep files of babysitters and nannies, train them, check documents and help resolve conflicts with parents.

Vkontakte group “Looking for a nanny in Cherepovets”

“Nanny, governess” section on the Babyblog forum

Bulletin board of the “Connected with Cheboksary” forum

General profile services help to search not only for babysitters, but also for other professionals: builders, designers, cleaners, etc.

Side ones are social networks and forums where users themselves have created communities to search for nannies for an hour.

Services where you can find babysitters

Specialized

Examples of services

Kidzout, Helper, Our Nanny, Sittmi

Contractors are not checked by the check and solution of conflicts

, but you can complain about

yes

Side

Examples of the

groups on social networks, forums

where

The cost of a month

Free

Checking and resolving conflicts

No

There are reviews

No

Among all, I single out two services:

1. “Kidzout” – for due diligence, babysitting courses and strict rules. For example, a sitter may be suspended from work on the first complaint of a parent.
2. “Helper” – for the security service that conducts legal and financial verification of performers. As in other specialized services, all performers undergo an initial check against blacklists, recruitment agencies and other sources. But parents can also order an additional check of the selected babysitter: service employees will check if the sitter had any problems with the law and debts.

How to search

I usually use Kidzout because I have a corporate discount for a monthly subscription in it. I’ll tell you how I’m looking for babysitters in this service, but these search rules are relevant for any resource.

Profile and subscription. Babysitter profiles can be viewed without registration, but in order to invite an assistant or place an ad, you first need to create a profile. It’s easy: you need to enter a phone number or log in through a social network.

Next, you can fill out a profile: write a name, upload a photo, link an account on a social network. Babysitters will have more confidence in the completed profile. To specify information about yourself, go to your personal account and select “Settings”.

/nanny/

How to find a nanny

For parents, the services of the service are paid: you can subscribe or pay a commission for the order. Now it’s cheaper for me to subscribe for six months, but at first I chose a one-time commission because I didn’t know if I would have a relationship with the service.

To contact the babysitter, you need to register: click “Login or register” at the top of the main page Where to specify the name, contacts and upload a photo: “My account” → “Settings” For the first time, the method of paying the commission for the order is

you can start looking for a babysitter. There are two ways: place an ad or find an artist in the catalog.

Announcement. To place an ad, I go to the “Find a Sitter” section and fill out a form: indicate the age of the child, the date and time when help is needed, and the wishes for the order.

In the ad description, I usually warn that I myself will be at home – this may scare some sitters away.

When placing an ad for the first time, it is better to indicate a high order value. The fact is that parents, like sitters, have a rating and reviews. If a parent has a zero rating, babysitters are afraid to respond to his order. To quickly find a sitter and get the first review of yourself, you can offer a high price.

After the announcement is published, performers see it and offer their services and price. When the performer responds to the ad, the service sends an SMS, and a message appears in the personal account that the sitter is ready to take the order.

From the response, I can go to the babysitter’s profile to learn about their experience and read reviews. If everything suits, then I confirm the invitation. If something is embarrassing in the performer, you can refuse it without explaining the reasons.

In their reviews, sitters usually note the character of the child and whether there were any problems with payment. Such a message appears in the personal account when the performer responds to the ad. 1200 R for 3 hours — suits me

Catalog of babysitters. Another way to find a sitter is through the directory. In the “Our Sitters” section, performers’ profiles can be sorted by rating or distance from you. And it will also be possible to filter out only those who sit with babies, special children, several children at once, or who can work with a child online.

From the catalog, you can also go to the profile and study the babysitter’s experience and feedback on his work. To invite a performer, you need to click the “Send invitation” button – a questionnaire will also open where you need to describe the task, indicate the age of the child and the date and time when you are waiting for the assistant.

If the sitter agrees to your terms, the sitter will confirm the order and send private messages for the address, special requests, or details of the child.

You can set up filters in the Kidzout directory: many sitters sit with several children, infants and special children. This is a directory on the Helper service: you can filter performers by distance from you, age, work experience, salary, citizenship, religion, education, knowledge of languages, availability of a car and order parameters In a chat with a sitter, you can immediately discuss the details of the order. This was my first order, and due to my inexperience, I only indicated our address, but I had to ask questions to the babysitter

What to look for when choosing

Before sending an invitation to a babysitter, I carefully study his profile.

In “Kidzout”, as a rule, very detailed profiles are filled out. In them you can find answers to such questions about the performer:

1. What education, why did you choose this specialty.
2. What is his hobby.
3. Why he decided to become a babysitter, what connects him with children.
4. What are the certificates and certificates that allow you to work with children.
5. How much do services cost, minimum order cost, cancellation policy and parental lateness.
6. Attitude towards animals and allergies to them.
7. Schedule.

For myself, I highlight important and minor points. If a candidate does not pass one of the important criteria, then I do not consider him further. And if everything is in order on important points, I read the reviews and evaluate by other criteria how comfortable it will be for me to invite this babysitter.

/list/no-fake/

“Found delicious rolls with 24/7 delivery in Moscow” and 5 more signs of a fake review

Important profile points. Most of all I pay attention to such items in the profile:

1. Price. I am ready to pay no more than 500 R per hour.
2. The ratio of orders and repeat orders. The number of returned families says more about the sitter than reviews.
3. Medical book and first aid courses. I feel more comfortable when the babysitter takes care of his health and knows what to do if the child chokes or gets hurt.

‘s secondary profile points are more of a candidate’s pluses than my strict requirements:

1. Passing courses for nannies or children’s animators. From experience, sitters who have taken courses in working with children, or at least were counselors, talk more with the child, know a lot of ways to keep him bored and know how to cope with whims.
2. Hobbies and education. It is not necessary to study to be a teacher or a pediatrician in order to sit with a child for several hours. But performers who are interested in pedagogy and child psychology get along better with children.
3. What an experience with children. If the sitter has younger brothers or sisters, he worked as an educator or counselor, I am calmer.
4. Reviews. I see that there are many meaningful and few negative ones.

Sitters often write about the absence of bad habits, but I do not pay attention to this: of course, a person with bad habits will write that he does not have them. But a smoking sitter – if one suddenly comes across – will be immediately noticeable by smell and voice.

This is the profile of my favorite babysitter

The babysitter went to the Kidzout school, where they teach to build relationships with children and their parents, play, involve, work with manipulations and whims

Every ninth family returned, this is a very good indicator

For those who are worried about whether the babysitter will cope if the child suddenly chokes or gets hurt

This is the profile of my favorite babysitter. Every ninth family returned to her, this is a very good indicator. She also went to the Kidzout school, where they teach to build relationships with children and their parents, play, involve, work with manipulations and whims. If you are worried about whether the sitter will cope in a situation where the child is choking or injured, look for profiles marked “Passed the school of first aid for children”

Reviews of are mostly positive, but I specifically look for negative or neutral ones in order to understand the babysitter’s weaknesses. Alarming signs for me – if he did not follow safety, hygiene, did not pay attention to the child, could not captivate.

In positive reviews, I look for whether the sitter changed before approaching the child, whether he cleans up toys after the baby, whether the family plans to invite the performer again.

In this review, what alarmed me most was that the child was not safe with the babysitter. Sitter did not follow hygiene, but for me this is an alarming sign. It is unlikely that I will choose her for my child. Sitter could not find an approach to the child – it happens. But the review says that she did not really try – this is already alarming

Precautions

The requirements for babysitters are usually lower than for permanent nannies: they have less responsibility. But I am anxious, so I carefully prepare for a meeting, especially with a new sitter.

Before the meeting with the sitter. Here’s what I always do before a sitter arrives:

1. In chat I ask about health and warn that if the performer feels unwell, it’s better to cancel the meeting.
2. If the babysitter is new, please bring your passport and medical book. I have no right to photograph them, but I still consider it necessary to verify the data.
3. I warn you that I will be grateful if the performer will bring a change of clothes. In fact, babysitters already know about this, but it’s better to play it safe.
4. I invite new sitters for a short period of time – usually 2-3 hours – in case we don’t fit together.
5. I remove valuables, keys, documents from prominent places.
6. I create a safe space for play: I close sockets, I check if sharp objects, household chemicals and medicines are hidden, I lock everything dangerous in a separate room.

I know that some families ask the babysitter to bring x-rays, medical tests or a migration card. In my opinion, these are excessive requirements for a person who will come only for a few hours and, perhaps, only once. And also, according to one of my assistants, this is dishonest, because she also has the right to ask for such certificates from her family.

/list/domushnique/

10 places in the apartment where you can not keep money

When the sitter came, I do this:

1. I make sure that the performer changes his clothes and wash his hands. In general, I make sure that the sitter wash his hands often.
2. Please show your passport and medical book – for the most part sitters take it easy. The services “Kidzout” and “Helper” store all the data about the sitters’ documents, but they advise you to double-check them. Some do not mind if the customer takes a picture of the documents, but I have never done this.
3. I do not leave the child with a new person right away. First, I look at whether the performer is adequate, whether he smells of cigarettes, how neat he looks and whether he is practically dressed.
4. I ask the babysitter about his experience and activities outside of work. This is how I make sure that his words match the description in the profile.
5. I spend the first half hour with the sitter and the child. If I see that the child is calm and involved in the game, then I go to a separate room.
6. From time to time I subtly check if everything is in order: I listen to what the sitter is talking about, I look into the kitchen when he is feeding the child. Sometimes I go into the room for a “forgotten” item to make sure that the babysitter is not stuck on the phone instead of taking care of the child. It probably looks ridiculous, but what can I do – I’m so calmer.

Video surveillance

We do not have a video camera to monitor the babysitter. If you consider it necessary to install it, be sure to notify the sitter and take from him a written consent to filming – this is required by law.

At the time of order. If something goes wrong, I discuss the problem with the sitter and act according to the circumstances.

I’ve had several incidents in all my time. Once the sitter didn’t wash her hands after going to the toilet. I noticed this in time and politely said goodbye to her, not allowing me to contact my daughter anymore. Another time I looked into the kitchen and noticed that my daughter was standing dangerously on a high chair, while the assistant was washing the dishes with her back to the child – although we agreed that the sitter should monitor safety, and it was not necessary to wash the dishes. The third case was the most unpleasant: the daughter hit the corner and cut her lip due to an oversight by the sitter. I spent the rest of the time of the order calming the child, but I did not invite this sitter again.

I don’t leave the house during the order and I don’t send the babysitter for a walk – and I’m not going until my daughter at least learns to express herself. But less anxious parents use the following scheme: if the child needs to be left alone with the babysitter on a certain day, then a week or two before that they invite the same sitter several times, being nearby and gradually increasing the time of the order. Each time the babysitter is given more and more responsibility. For example, at first he spends a couple of hours with the child together with his parents, then he walks with the child and his mother. Next time, mom is watching the walk from afar. Then the sitter with the baby returns from a walk without parents, and finally, the parents decide to leave the child alone with the babysitter.

/razvleki-rebenka/

How I entertain a child in Moscow for free

If you decide to leave your child alone with a babysitter, indicate several phone numbers for communication and ask them to send you photo reports from time to time.

First meeting

I spend the first half hour with the babysitter. For this period of time, I have several tasks:

1. Make sure the sitter is honest.
2. Find out his attitude towards children.
3. Tell about the child, explain the task.
4. Monitor daughter’s reaction to a new person.

Conversation. First, I talk to the babysitter, but I try not to make it look like an interview or an interrogation. I say something like this: “Let’s chat first: I will tell you about the child and what lies where and what you can do, and you will tell about yourself.” It seems that this phrase relieves the tension that is usually felt at the first meeting.

At first I tried to switch from sitters to you: it seemed to me that communication would become less stressful, but the experience was not a success. The first babysitter immediately said that it would be inconvenient for her. The second and third did not mind being addressed as “you”, but they themselves said “you”.

During the conversation, I watch how the sitter communicates with her daughter: does he show interest in her, how does he talk to her, does he ask anything about her preferences, does he try to involve her in the game. If the daughter has already brought her toys and books, I look to see if the babysitter supported the game.

At the same time, I pay attention to my daughter’s reaction. Usually she immediately shows interest, but sometimes she is afraid of the sitter and clings to me – then I stay with them until my daughter feels safe. For me, this is an opportunity to assess how the performer is coping with the situation: whether he tries to win over himself, how initiative he is, how he talks to the child and how he reacts to his shyness or whims – for example, does he start to shame.

Questions for the babysitter. I have a list of questions, but I never ask on a piece of paper, I just ask 3-4 questions at random and dilute them with instructions and stories about my daughter.

/guide/job-interview/

How to conduct an interview

Here is a complete list of questions for the first meeting:

1. What do you do? Where and for whom do you study or did you study? Why did you choose this specialty?
2. Why did you decide to work with children? How did you come to this?
3. What experience do you have with children? Are there any younger brothers or sisters?
4. What do you like to do with children? Is there any “crown number” that works with all children?
5. Is it hard to deal with a child? How do you proceed in such a case?
6. What is your record for time spent with a child? What did he do?
7. What was the age of the smallest pupil?
8. The child often falls and hits. What will you do if this happens?
9. What should I do if my child is naughty? What will you do? Will you come to help?
10. What do you do when you get tired of your child?
11. What is the most difficult and most interesting thing about being a babysitter?
12. One day the child choked heavily, and I was confused. Do you know what to do in such cases?
13. What will you do if a child refuses to eat, drink, change clothes, or wash their hands?
14. What should I do if a child sees me and starts hanging on me?
15. If another child takes a toy from a child on the playground, what will you do?
16. If you go for a walk and a passer-by reprimands you or your child, what will you say?

Instruction. Next, I say what I expect from the performer: usually these are two feedings, changing diapers, active games and reading books.

I especially pay attention to games: for me this is the main thing that a sitter should do – I can do the rest myself. Therefore, I leave a lot of toys, books and educational games so that the babysitter has something to do with her daughter and both do not get bored.

/list/kids-dev-apps/

Read, count and explore space: 14 educational apps for kids special kits, for example this one

What, in my opinion, is important to say at the first meeting

Daily routine	What time does the child eat, sleep, bathe, walk; time of active and quiet games; is it necessary to put to bed and what are the rituals for sleep, for example, draw the curtains and sing a lullaby.
Power supply	What and how much to feed; whether the child eats by himself; if you have an allergy – warn about it.
Hygiene regulations	How often to wash hands; whether the child has mastered the potty or how often he needs to change the diaper; where there is a change of clothes in case the child gets dirty.
Safety regulations	What are the potentially dangerous places in the apartment; what dangerous habits does the child have; where you can and cannot play; how to keep the child safe if the sitter needs to go away; what to do if something bad happens.
Things to do	What the child likes to do; what are your favorite books; which activities are preferred, such as active or educational games; where you usually walk; how to distract a child if he gets upset.

Daily routine

What time does the child eat, sleep, bathe, walk;
time of active and quiet games;
is it necessary to put to bed and what are the rituals for sleep, for example, draw the curtains and sing a lullaby.

Food

What and how much to feed;
whether the child eats by himself;
if you have an allergy – warn about it.

Hygiene practices

How often to wash hands;
whether the child has mastered the potty or how often he needs to change the diaper;
where there is a change of clothes in case the child gets dirty.

Safety regulations

What are the potentially dangerous places in the apartment;
what dangerous habits does the child have;
where you can and cannot play;
how to keep the child safe if the sitter needs to go away;
what to do if something bad happens.

Things to do

What the child likes to do;
what are your favorite books;
which activities are preferred, for example, active or educational games;
where you usually walk;
how to distract a child if he gets upset.

I usually report everything orally so that the babysitter can immediately ask clarifying questions. But so that he does not forget anything, I also give a pre-printed training manual or send it before ordering.

The cheat sheet I give to new babysitters

How to evaluate the work

At the time of order. If we have a new babysitter, then I often listen to what he is talking about with the child, check how he monitors hygiene and safety. I definitely show my daughter in front of my eyes a couple of times to understand how comfortable she is.

The most important thing I watch is how my daughter perceives a new person. If she is naughty, sometimes hangs on me or knocks on my door, I understand that she and the sitter did not get along. It also happens that a child behaves this way when he has not had enough sleep. Then I suggest the sitter to leave early and keep the payment.

Babysitters often forget to change diapers and offer drinks, so I myself gently remind them of this if we cross paths in the apartment. Once I saw that my daughter was left in the chair unattended – I had to pick her up and remind the sitter about the safety rules.

/save/pampers-hack/

How to save money on baby diapers?

After ordering , it is also important to evaluate the performance of the sitter. Here’s what I pay attention to:

1. How is my daughter.
2. What kind of relationship did she have with the sitter: does she continue to play with him when I returned, or does she cuddle up to me.
3. What is the condition of the diaper.
4. Are toys and books removed?
5. How well the daughter ate.
6. What did they do and what interesting things happened – I ask the sitter about this.
7. In what mood is the sitter himself: tired, irritated, or, on the contrary, relaxed and sociable.

My favorite is when, after a visit from a babysitter, it turns out that my daughter has learned something new. For example, one day I noticed that she spoon-feeds dolls and sings songs to them, but we never did that with her. Another time, my daughter learned to say “bye”.

It also happens to be funny: my constant assistant accidentally taught a child to throw a ball at the wall and say with a sly face: “Oh-oh.” In all of these cases, I am deeply grateful for the fact that the sitter helped my daughter through new experiences and shared fresh ways to entertain and develop a child.

These figurines were made by our regular sitter Christina. My daughter now does not let them out of her hands and tries to mold something like

I enter my impressions in a table and give a rating. This helps me remember which sitter I liked and why, and which one I will never call again. Next time, first of all, I will invite babysitters with good grades, and only if they cannot respond, I will invite a new one.

The most important score in the table is the daughter’s reaction. Even if I liked the babysitter in all respects, but the baby cried with her or asked to see me, then we will not get along. And vice versa: I will turn a blind eye to mistakes if my daughter is imbued with a sitter. For example, one of my assistants has to be reminded to change diapers, well, okay – but my daughter loves to play with her.

After each meeting, I update the score: someone’s score dropped from “5” to “2”, and two sitters got “5” after 5-6 meetings

How to find a permanent sitter conveniently, I gradually settled on two regular performers. Firstly, I worry that it can be difficult for my daughter to regularly stay with strangers. Secondly, every new babysitter is still a risk: I again need to make sure that he changes clothes, wash his hands, be able to feed his daughter and be attentive to her. And so that the child calmly accepts the sitter. Perhaps when the daughter is older, for example, at 6-8 years old, this will no longer be a problem, but so far I have no such experience.

In order for the babysitters to agree to come back to me, I try to create comfortable conditions for them:

1. At the beginning of the order, I give time to calmly change clothes, get used to the situation. Right from the doorway I say: “Sit down, you can hang your clothes and bag here, and change clothes and wash your hands there. Come to our room when you’re ready.”
2. I don’t interfere with work: I don’t loom in front of the child, I don’t run to every cry, I don’t interfere in games.
3. I warn the sitter not to hesitate to call me for help or ask anything at any time. For example, I say that I can change the diaper myself.
4. I leave tea, sweets or fruits on the table and offer to take them in any quantity. If the babysitter came for the whole day, I invite you to eat and rest while the child is sleeping.
5. I don’t demand from a babysitter what I can’t do myself. I can’t actively read books and play outdoor games for five hours in a row – a babysitter shouldn’t either. Let the child play on their own from time to time and just keep an eye on safety. If the sitter has to spend the whole day with his daughter, I immediately tell you what are the ways to take the child for a while to rest himself.
6. After ordering, I ask how comfortable the babysitter was, if he was tired and what difficulties he had.

If the sitter and I have a good impression, then I test the ground for the next regular orders: find out how difficult it is for him to get to us, how busy the schedule is, what time is more convenient to take an order and how many days in advance you need to send an invitation. Usually, babysitters ask for at least two days’ notice, but I’ve also met those who are busy a week ahead.

I’m not in a hurry to agree on a regular schedule right away, because I understand that the first impression could deceive. For example, a couple of times it happened that on the first order the sitter showed himself brilliantly, and on the second or third order he somehow messed up terribly or just didn’t like it. But if after the third order my opinion has not changed, then I take the person in turn: I try to arrange regular visits or send several invitations a couple of weeks in advance, keep in touch with him in instant messengers.

Work directly

Some parents arrange with babysitters in such a way that they invite them not through the service, but personally in the messenger – this way you won’t have to pay a commission. But I do not advise doing this for several reasons.

Firstly, in some services the child is insured for the time of the order. If you invited an assistant to bypass the service and something went wrong, the employees will not be able to figure out the problem: they didn’t know anything about the order.

Secondly, if it turns out that the sitter takes orders directly, he can be severely punished: fined, banned for a while or fired.

Thirdly, by offering the sitter this way, you put him in an uncomfortable position: most likely, he is comfortable taking orders through an intermediary and he can always find a replacement order. By agreeing to your terms, he risks his job and becomes dependent on you.

Usually we plan regular days and times: for example, from 15:00 to 20:00 – at this time the babysitter will be free after school or the morning order, and my daughter will have time to sleep. You can also take the days of the week: I usually don’t care, but one of our regular babysitters is comfortable on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. If help is needed for the whole day, then I warn about it at least a week in advance.

I don’t ask sitters to lower the price for regular orders because it’s not profitable for them: at the same time, they can easily find other orders at the regular price.

So what? 01/27/20

Tax holidays for tutors, nannies and caregivers are over

Even when we have established a schedule and relationship with a babysitter, I make sure that the child is safe and in good spirits with him. From time to time I check whether the schedule we agreed on is still convenient.

How much do babysitters cost us

On average, we invite assistants 1-2 times a week for 4 hours. For one such order, our regular babysitters charge differently: one 1500 R, the other 2000 R. About once a month we invite an assistant for 8-9 hours in a row – it costs 3000-4000 R. 12,000 R, and for the whole time – from November to March – we spent 35,375 R, plus 3057 R for a subscription to “Kidzout”. I don’t regret the money spent in the slightest: I compensated for it with my salary and managed to unwind, and my daughter learned to communicate with other people and played games that I myself could not have come up with.

35,375 R

we have spent five months on babysitters

Remember

2. When choosing a babysitter, pay attention to experience, reviews, medical book and course certificates.
3. Don’t expect the performer to foresee everything and handle everything by himself: inquire about health, remind about hygiene and change of clothes, create a safe space in the house to play, offer help.
4. At the first meeting, look at the documents, ask about the experience, give detailed instructions.
5. Do not leave the child alone with the babysitter right away, but observe the child’s reaction and the babysitter’s behavior. Only if nothing bothers you, carefully leave.
6. Assess the child’s condition after ordering. Ask the babysitter about the impressions and activities of the child.
7. Don’t schedule regular babysitter visits before the third order.

Nanny in law: how the government will bring child care services out of the shadows | Community TV

Olesya Bida

Since the beginning of the year, the government has launched the Municipal Nanny project. The state is ready to give an additional 1,626 hryvnias ($59) per month to parents raising children under three years old. They should spend this money on babysitting services, or rather, on paying the babysitter’s taxes if she works officially. Whether such a sum will encourage parents and whether it will encourage nannies to come out “from the shadows” – in Gromadsky’s material.

What the government proposes

The initiative, according to officials, should make life easier for parents. For nannies, according to the Cabinet of Ministers, this is an opportunity to officially receive a salary, have experience and, accordingly, retire by age.

In addition to the “baby package”, standard first aid and monthly 860 UAH ($31), parents can now receive another 1626 UAH ($59). They must spend this amount on the salaries of nannies, and they, in turn, will be able to pay taxes from this money. It doesn’t matter if one of the parents will be on maternity leave with the child, or if both will work, the state will still provide funds.

To receive money, you need to find a nanny who officially provides her services and sign an agreement with her. Next – submit documents to the local department of social protection. They will be considered within ten working days, and then they will approve or refuse to pay compensation. If approved, parents will receive UAH 1,626 ($59) per month and will be required to provide receipts for the nanny’s salary.

The government allocated UAH 500 million ($18 million) from the budget for the project, 25 thousand families will be able to participate in it. Although hiring a nanny will be able, basically, families with an income not lower than the average.

Parents’ opinion: there is no extra money

Maria Zolkina’s son is one and a half years old. She is officially on maternity leave, but from time to time she needs to go to work. Previously, she used the services of an express babysitter, who was found for her in a special agency.

“When I needed a babysitter several times a week, I called an express babysitter from the agency. The nanny and her son were usually not far from my work, in a cafe or in the children’s room. It was convenient, there were no questions,” says Maria.

The young mother plans to find a permanent nanny for her son with official registration (for example, with the status of an individual entrepreneur). Therefore, Maria considers the government’s initiative appropriate: “With such a nanny, you can conclude a full-fledged agreement on what her duties and rights are. And prescribe sanctions in case of violation. ”

Maria says that the compensation, despite its small size, will not be superfluous when there is a small child in the family.

“The greatest benefit, in my opinion, from this initiative is that even if it is a small financial motivation, it still exists. And those nannies who want to work officially will have an incentive to do so.”

Nanny’s opinion: the amount is not enough to apply for FLP

Anastasia has been working as a nanny recently. He receives money unofficially, so he refuses to talk about his work openly. By education, he is an English teacher. After moving to Kyiv a few years ago, she began tutoring. Then I thought about the design of the FLP.

“But I understood that in this case I would need to raise the cost of my services, because I need to pay taxes,” she says.

Now the government is proposing: there is no need to raise the price, the amount for paying taxes will be compensated to the parents, and they will add this money to the nanny’s salary. But Anastasia says that there is no benefit for her and her colleagues in this. She is not thinking about retirement yet, and hopes that she will not work as a nanny for long.

“When you pay this tax, it goes towards your future pension. I don’t count on a pension. I want to live now,” the nanny says.

The amount of compensation from the state is approximately 10% of Anastasia’s current salary. And she believes that it is not worth it to register an FLP.

Her parents, her employers, also consider the project unprofitable. They don’t have time to process the compensation, because they work, and they also don’t want Anastasia to be distracted from work.

The formalization of the contract with employers also does not convince the nanny to “come out of the shadows.”

“My employers initially wanted to sign the contract because I was their first nanny, but it never came to that. And now, after six months of work, I do not need a contract. I already know that I am doing my duty. We live by unwritten rules,” says Anastasia.

Will nannies come out of the shadows?

The State Fiscal Service responded to Hromadsky’s request that more than 20,000 enterprises providing babysitting services to parents and about 2,500 nannies are now officially registered in Ukraine. How many more are working “in the shadows” is unknown.

Veronika Rudkovskaya, a lawyer from the Labor Initiatives public organization, believes that the government initiative can help bring this segment of the market out of the shadows. For nannies, Rudkovskaya noted in a comment to Gromadsky, the project is beneficial from the point of view that they will receive a number of social guarantees provided for by labor legislation. But the lack of government innovation – a small amount of compensation. Therefore, apparently, the initiative of the Cabinet of Ministers will work in some regions, and not in others.

An FLP nanny must pay the so-called “single social contribution” to the state every month (in 2019 it is UAH 918 – $33) and a single tax – 5% of income. The government, when calculating compensation to parents, proceeded from the fact that the average salary of a nanny is UAH 8,000-10,000 ($293-367). But, for example, in Kyiv, nannies earn almost twice as much. We think: 5% of 16,000 (800 hryvnia – $29) plus a single social contribution is more than 1,700 hryvnia ($62), and government compensation does not compensate taxes. It turns out that it is more profitable for nannies with “capital” salaries to remain “in the shadows”.

For example, in Vinnytsia, where the salary of a nanny can be as high as 5,000 hryvnias ($183), it is more profitable to get official registration because there is a chance to save up to 500 hryvnias ($18) from state funds.

UAH 1,626 ($59) in some regions is not enough even to cover the payment of a single social contribution and a single tax.

As for nannies working in special agencies, the situation here, according to Veronika Rudkovskaya, is not yet very clear. “It is not yet clearly established what is meant by a “legal entity” that has the right to provide childcare services,” the expert says. Therefore, it is not yet possible to predict whether the government’s initiative will encourage “shadow” nannies to go to work in official agencies.

Experience – 5 years

Citizenship – Russia

About the nanny: Completed higher education in psychology – I can provide a diploma.
I am currently studying neuroscience.
Work experience 5 years
1. Counselor in a children’s camp
2. Nanny in a family with two children
3. Private kindergarten
4. Work in a day care center for people with disabilities.
I also work with special needs children.
I can provide a certificate of non-conviction, from PDN and a medical book.
I know a lot of developing programs. I can do homework, go for walks, accompany to classes.

from 300 ₽/hour

Reviews about nannies in Moscow

Anna

August 31, 2022

Hello! I’m looking for a nanny for the weekend! Can you please let us discuss the details?

Tamara

June 28, 2022

I can recommend Alisa as an attentive and responsible nurse. Despite his youth, he has a lot of experience. Procedures are done delicately and responsibly. Thank you for your kind attitude.

Ekaterina

June 23, 2022

I liked Anya’s approach to business, she offered to get to know each other for a couple of hours at first, so that the children got used to it, and during this time she did not take any money. So we did, Anya very quickly found an approach to the boys, and we agreed that 3 times a week she would pick them up from school, feed and put them to bed, because. I am working late at this time. Everything worked out very well for us, the agreement suits everyone.

More reviews

By continuing to use our site, you consent to the processing of cookies.Learn more

invite a nanny to work in a family in the UK

Return to the list

How to get a nanny visa to England. How to invite a nanny to work in the UK.

WikiVisa WikiVisa.Ru
|
3 February 2021, 15:39 9129four