I want another baby so bad: When Your Head and Heart Conflict Over Having More Babies

Опубликовано: July 29, 2023 в 5:33 pm

Автор:

Категории: Baby

I Want Another Baby So Badly It Hurts, But It’s Not An Option For Me Right Now

Parenting

by Elizabeth Broadbent

PeopleImages / iStock

I’m at this stage in my life where pregnancy announcements literally pain me. Even worse are the newborn babies who pop up in my Facebook feed: fresh-faced, squishy, squinty at the world so new around them. I hate the bumps photos, the baby shower invitations. I pretend they never arrived in the mail. I envy the pregnant women I see around town. I want to take them all aside and say, “Look. You don’t know how precious this is. Savor every single second.”

Because our third baby is 3 years old, and we can’t have another.

Oh, there are reasons. Good reasons, sound, medically based reasons that mean our biological family is finished. I said to my husband, as I settled our youngest into our bed for the first time: “Promise me this isn’t the last one. ” He promised. And now we find ourselves done — with a family we never considered finished.

And I love my older children. I love that my 7-year-old can read, and study the Revolutionary War, and begin to understand injustice. I love my 5-year-old, an affable soul who plays with both brothers alike, who still wants to cuddle in the deep dark of the night. And I love my 3-year-old, my baby, who still insists loudly, “Me tiny!” and wants nothing more than Play-Doh — and my boobs, because he still nurses to sleep at night. Why not? There’s no sibling coming along behind to push him away. I adore my kids. They’re all fun and funny in their own ways, a wonder to grow with.

And we can leave them regularly now, long enough to grab a great dinner and a movie, to attend an art museum gala, to go to a friend’s poetry reading. We may leave them overnight for our anniversary. I can drive for three hours without worrying that someone will weep uncontrollably.

They are manageable. They all eat real food. I’ve long folded all the cloth diapers and tucked them away.

This freedom, it’s nice. I enjoy it. But it’s nothing compared to the smell of a baby’s neck. When ours were tiny, we would just wrap them up on us and go wherever we wanted. And all those things about babies that we typically find inconvenient, I find myself missing.

I miss nursing all the time: pulling my shirt up, rearranging the baby in the wrap so he could reach my nipple. I miss the quiet nursing sessions on the couch, those endless sessions that take you out of real life and into baby time. I miss the cute cloth diapers. I really miss the baby carriers. My stacks of woven wraps sit dusty, waiting for a baby who will probably never come. Sure, I put my 3-year-old up sometimes. But it’s not for long. And it’s not the same.

I get angry sometimes. I hear people are having another baby, and I think, Lord, why them and not me? It makes me mad that we’re forced to be finished. It makes me angry that we made this decision, that this decision is the best one for me and for our family. I deserve that baby more than she does, I think darkly. I’m more this, or more that. Or really, deep down, I simply think I’d love it more. That I want it more. And that somehow, the depth of want should be enough to assure me another child.

I recognize voicing these inner thoughts may offend some, may make others give me the side-eye of judgment, but it’s not that I truly believe that I’m the only one equipped to care for a child. I know I’m not the only mom out there yearning for a baby, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and when we can’t have it, sometimes our mind takes us to that place.

You carry, in your head, a vision for your family. Some people think of two kids, a boy and a girl. Some are wedded to three babies, or just one and done. But I always imagined five or six kids. My husband and I agreed on five or six kids — because we love kids, and we love noise, and we knew we’re the type of people who could handle it. That vision is in pieces now. Imagine your vision for your family, and imagine it finished. Imagine that nagging loose end, that what-if, that deep sadness. That’s where I live.

We’ve decided to pursue adoption. But it’s not the same surety as a baby in the belly. Of course, nothing in this world is certain, least of all a child in the womb, but it’s more tangible than the paperwork they hand us. They ask for family income, for our children’s medical assessments, for our dog’s vaccinations. Every answer is a chance to slip up, to prove we’re not good enough. The adoption process is an exam with no answer key.

Maybe it will happen. Maybe a baby will come along. But I won’t believe in it until the nursery’s full. Until then, I carry this hurt, this want, this dull ache that flares when I see your pregnancy and birth announcements, your baby pictures, your round bellies. Someone’s going to tell me to be grateful for the boys I have (I am). Someone’s going to quote the Rolling Stones (yes, you can’t always get what you want). But in the end, those things just invalidate my feelings. No one can tell me what my family should look like but me.

And my family should have at least one more baby.

Should I Have Another Baby? 7 Surprising Things to Consider

A big question parents ask themselves is “do I want to have another baby?” or better yet “should I have another baby?”

While there is no right answer, every family has a number of kids that works for them. Some decide on one child and are one and done. Others decide that having more kids is worth it.

The trick is figuring out what is the right number for your family. Therefore, every house will eventually have its own debate on to have another baby or not.

Every family is so unique in the personalities, lifestyle, etc. and there is no perfect number of kids but instead a perfect number for each family.

Our number was 2. We were done after 2 kids. I didn’t always know we would only have 2 kids. However, once we started having babies, I realized that a lot should go into the decision of adding another baby to our family.

Here is how we decided if we should have another baby. If you are trying to decide what number is perfect for your family, this is some food for thought. Consider these points when deciding if you really want to have another baby.

What is best for the children I already had

I think a lot of times the question “should I have another baby?” results in an answer centered around what mom (or parents) want. Instead, you should make sure you are doing right by the kids you already have.

I recently had a mom tell me that they decided not to have a fourth because they needed to start giving the kids they already have the time and attention they deserve.

Consider the parenting level your kids need

Do you have a kid who will need a lot of parenting? Maybe you have a kid who will need a lot of medical support? Do you have a kid who has a disability? What about a kid who is wild, free-spirited or strong-willed or any other word used today to mean they will be your most challenging child?

If you think you already have a kid who will need a lot more time and energy than your other kids, then you might want to factor that into your decision. Is it fair to the kids you already have to have another baby? Remember, each extra child will divide your time more. 

According to Forbes Magazine, already “couples with a child who has been diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit disorder) are 22.7% more likely to divorce before their child turns eight than parents of a child without ADHD.” Therefore if you have a child who is high needs, then you would want to dedicate more time to strengthening your marriage. 

Personally, I never wanted to have a middle child.

There is such a thing as a forgotten middle child. My second is the happiest kid on the block. If I had another, I could 100% see her becoming the last priority because of her personality and I don’t want to do that to her. However, I am sure there are some kids with personalities that would do well being in the middle.

So, take a moment and think about who your kids are and if adding another would work.

Consider how your parenting would have to change

With one child, most of the peer social learning is done outside the house, with two you deal with peer learning in the house, which means they can entertain each other, but also fight. With three, you start reaching new dynamics.

More complex relationships

When you go from 2 kids to 3 kids and further, you go from one sibling relationship (Kid1 and Kid 2) to 4 sibling relationships (Kid1-Kid2, Kid2-Kid3, Kid3-Kid1, and Kid1-Kid2-Kid3).

I was on a plane and a mom whose children are grown told me to stay at 2. She had three kids and said that there was always one upset or fighting. My takeaway from that conversation was that the more kids, the more chaos. Before adding another, decide if you can handle, or want to handle, a higher level of chaos.

More chaos

More chaos doesn’t just mean more fighting or more noise. It also means that there are more needs. More kids who are hungry, tired, lonely, angry at all different times. Someone will always need something as you increase the number of kids. You will need to be an organized, meal-planning pro.

Personally, I know that I have reached my limit. If I added another kid, then I wouldn’t be able to parent as well. I would be overwhelmed and losing it with my kids right and left. We barely get dinner on the table already.

Consider the amount of support you have

Do you have family nearby? Is your family helpful? This was a big factor in the number of kids we would have. We live on the opposite coast from all our family. While it is a lot of fun to visit, it means we don’t have a free babysitter on call.

Could I still be the parent (and partner) I want to be?

Parenthood is a marathon. It gets easier in some ways and harder in other ways as your kids age. One thing to consider is can you be the parent you want to be if you add another. Can your other half still be a good parent? Is it a good decision for both of you?

How are you doing?

Take a second and think about your stress level, your health? Are you able to do any self-care with the current number of kids you have? Staying healthy both physically, emotionally and mentally are all very important. They will not only affect you but also your kids and your other half.

Personally, I wanted to get my body back.

Since entering “baby phase”, I feel I have given up my body. And it was definitely worth it to have kids but I am really ready to be done. The idea of being pregnant and giving birth again just doesn’t interest me. I love breastfeeding my babies, but I haven’t worn my clothing (pre-babies) since before I was pregnant with my first. My body is constantly changing size. I am just ready to have a wardrobe again, be able to get ready in the morning and feel like myself.

My pregnancies weren’t easy either. I was very sick and was not able to be an effective parent during them. I also had to do PT after each pregnancy. I don’t even want to think of the shape my body would be in after another. I also gain a lot of weight during pregnancy and while I have lost it both times, I don’t want to chance it again. I had a much harder time losing it after my second than my first.

I am also someone who needs alone time.

It is pretty easy to get alone time with only two. I can easily send both kids with dad. Or they are more likely to be able to entertain themselves. The higher the number, the more times someone always needs something. The more commitments you have, etc.

Moms of three or four usually always have at least one kid in tow. My mom friend of 4 said they have a rule at the house which is if you leave you bring at least one kid because it is just too much to have them all at home.

By having two, I get to have time to myself. I love to run and go to the gym. I love having time to do hobbies.

How is your partner doing?

Let’s say you are doing well but maybe your significant other isn’t. Is their health good? Are they reaching their parenting limit? Their stress limit? Are they able to do self-care?

Remember that it is just as important that your other half wants another. While they might not be the one who is pregnant, adding another baby to the family will increase parenting demands on both parents. Getting divorced because of kids is a very real thing. 

According to Forbes Magazine, “a woman who wants a child or children much more strongly than her spouse is twice as likely to divorce as couples who agree on the number of children they want.” 

Do you have time for each other?

Having more babies changes how much time and energy you have for your other half. I never realized how being a mom would be so 24/7. It is so hard to find time to go out to dinner. Honestly, I even find it hard to catch up with each other at dinner or have a conversation that lasts more than a few minutes in the evening.

Now depending on your unique situation, this might not be the case for you. We don’t live near family so we can’t just drop kids off at Grandma’s to go out to dinner. 

I needed to answer why I want to have another baby

The best way to know if you should have another is to know why you want another baby. Here are not so great reasons to have another:

You keep saying “I just want to have a baby”

Let’s be honest for a second mamas, we will always want another baby. There is nothing more precious than welcoming a baby into this world. Nothing sweeter than holding your newborn. Having just one more baby won’t cure anyone of wanting more baby cuddles.

Therefore, you will be sad when it is your last baby. And that’s okay. It does not mean you need to have another baby.

You want to keep up with the Jones’

Once you start having kids, everyone in your life seems to also do the same thing. All of your friends are people who also have little ones and therefore are also trying to complete their family. After everyone has their second, some will go on to have more.

Don’t feel like you have to have another baby just because everyone else is. You might feel like you are missing out, or if they made that decision, then it is obviously a good one. The best thing for you to do is to look at your family’s needs and life and decide what is best for you.

You want a specific gender

Some people try until they have one of each. This did not matter to us at all. We only have girls. I think people expect us to try for a third just because we don’t have a boy yet. I think not only does that send a horrible message to our daughters but also isn’t a good decision for our family.

Before we had our second, we talked about gender. And we both realized that after having our first, we just wanted a healthy baby. We knew we would be happy if the second was a girl or a boy. I also think there are a lot of advantages to having the same gender and very few focus on that.

You need a spare

Don’t listen to anyone who tells you this. The idea behind this is that if (God forbid) one of your children dies, then your other child will still have a sibling. As most of you know from your own sibling relationships, you can’t just replace one sibling with another. Each relationship is unique.

Additionally, you could have three kids for this reason and two might grow so far apart they don’t even speak as adults. How much help will that do if they are the only two left? Personally, I would rather invest the extra time I would have spent on baby three and use it to work on my two kids’ relationship with each other.

In the event of the unthinkable

Not a fun topic at all but a very important exercise to do. Hopefully you, your other half and your kids are all healthy but what if something tragic happens? How will having one more baby change the result? Here are three possible situations that could happen.

A parent dies

Let’s say you die, or you lose your significant other. Can you handle the number of kids you want by yourself? Personally, I would be able to handle my two kids but three would be pushing it on my own. I know for sure my husband would not be okay with three kids on his own.

Both parents die

If our children lose both of us, then I really want them to be able to stay together. This means I need to have a family member who would take in all of them. I know I have a couple of options right now, but I am not sure if any could handle taking in all of my kids if I decided to have more. Let’s say I did have a family member who could take in more. Do I believe they can still parent well?

A child gets sick

Having a sick child can take a big toll on a family. It means that child needs a lot more time and energy than if they weren’t sick. Your other kids will be affected by this. Your other half will have to pick up the slack. Another reason why it’s important that the number of kids you have fits both you and your other half.

Would having another baby fit our family’s lifestyle?

Each family has their own lifestyle. What type of lifestyle do you want to have? Does the number of kids match the lifestyle you want and the budget you have?

What type of relationship do you want with your kids?

For me, I want to be always able to spend individualized time with each child. I want to be able to “date” my kids. I want them to spend time with me and their dad one on one. I want to give each child a lot of personalized attention and I know that the more kids I have, the less I can do this.

Along those lines, I also want to have them do extracurriculars and be able to attend them. I want to be able to go to the soccer game and the dance lessons. I won’t be able to go to everything because I literally can’t be in two places at once. The more kids means the less they can do and the higher chance of overlap. I can’t be at the soccer game and dropping off someone else at dance lessons.

What type of life do you want?

I really love to travel. Additionally, all of our family is on the other coast so to just see family, we need to fly cross country. We hope to see family at least once a year and also go on vacations with our kids yearly. This means both plane flights and car rides. Traveling is expensive. Each child adds to that cost. If we have more kids, we cannot travel as much.

What about your family’s budget (now and in the future)?

I think most people understand that more kids means more money. You have to have a bigger car, bigger place, bigger dining room table, etc. Another baby means more daycare and preschool, etc. It is very easy to see the initial costs but the number of kids changes how much you can spend on each kid permanently.

To me this is a big deal because I want to spend money throughout the years on extracurriculars. It is just a fact of life that the number of children I have will decide on just how much I can spend on their activities like dance class, summer camps and music lessons.

Additionally, I want to give my kids the best start in life and to me that also means a great financial start. Since birth, we have been putting money away for their college funds. The more kids I have, the less I can give each one. I hope to be able to help them out with college, weddings, and their first car. I want to be able to set them up to not have financial stress.

Should I have another baby or not?

Trying to decide if you should have another baby is a hard decision. I hope by sharing some points to consider, you will have some food for thought to help make that decision. In the end, if you decide on one more baby, I know you will love them dearly. In some ways, the harder decision is to stop having kids because welcoming a child into this world is a slice of heaven.

Some days I am sad that I will never have another child, but I have come to realize that part of that sadness is from wishing I could have one more day with my babies who are older now. I know I would feel this no matter many kids I had. As my kids get older, all I really want is more time with them at each age.

I know we made the right decision for our children and our family. I also know that by not having another baby, I will have more time and energy for my other children.

I have also learned that every family is truly unique and only they know the perfect number for them.

If you found this post on should I have another baby helpful, please share it on Pinterest or Facebook

 

Keep Reading

Why I Stopped at Two Kids

Emilia Lewis

I am a wife, teacher, and mother to two awesome girls. I write about what I am passionate about, which includes being a mom, house projects, beauty and skincare. I love to share my experiences, failures, and successes with my readers.  Let this space be a resource for you to pursue your very best day.

Sharing is caring!

946 shares

  • Share
  • Tweet

5 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Have Another Child: A Psychologist’s Confession

I made several conclusions before giving up the idea of ​​having another baby.

1. I realized the true reasons for my desire. After all, my dream has already come true. Now I rather need not a child as such, but the anticipation of a miracle, the care of loved ones, the attention that I received during pregnancy. And I decided that all these wonderful feelings and emotions can be obtained in other ways.

2. I realized that in the presence of children I can not concentrate on business. Perhaps there are mothers who can sit a small child in front of the TV for several hours. I can’t do that. If the children are with me, I want to give them time, read, play, take a walk. At the same time, my tasks for clients do not go anywhere. Important and urgent has not been canceled. And from the fact that you have to be torn apart, there is tension and dissatisfaction with yourself.

The mere thought that the children in the next room have been watching cartoons for a long time is enough to cause anxiety. You have to choose, alternate, throw things, then children. When the children went back to kindergarten, I exhaled. Because I knew exactly what they were doing there, they eat, sleep, play on time. And our evenings have become more fun and productive than in quarantine.

I have always been a very anxious mother, given the long journey to motherhood. Emotion and thought management skills have helped me become calm and confident. At the same time, I did not relieve myself of the tasks of my mother. I teach and develop children, and up to a year I did it myself. Then I entrusted the process to the garden and the nanny. This is awareness in relation to oneself and children.

3. I didn’t want to get used to the new role. Only recently my husband and I felt a new breath in our relationship. Children have grown up, they can cope with simple tasks on their own, we have the opportunity to stay together more often. Communication has become more diverse. The passion is back.

After all, when children are very young, the head is filled only with thoughts about them. There is no place for her husband. You live according to different schedules, in the eternal bustle you cannot devote time to each other. I realized that I want to enjoy relationships, travel, business trips. Sometimes I just want to watch from the side how children play.

4. I decided to give all my attention to my daughter and son. My eldest son needs to be taken care of. It’s not his fault that he has a sister. But he has to share me with her. On the one hand, this leads older children to rapid maturation and independence. On the other hand, at the age of 6 he is still quite a child and sometimes wants to be alone with me. I try to organize everything in such a way that I can devote time to each of the children.

5. Found a way to help society, not only giving birth. When you realize that you can be useful to people, the need to be realized only through a child disappears. Moreover, it can even harm both mother and children. After all, lack of fulfillment breeds anger.

In the process of psychological work with women, I discovered one phenomenon: when a woman wants to give birth to a second, third and subsequent children, she simply does not know how else to throw out her enormous creative potential. He does not realize, does not fully understand himself and decides to give birth, because it worked before.

During my practice, I have often met women, successful and creative, who had a burning desire to give birth again. But they couldn’t and regretted it. I advised them and now I advise you: change your dreams. Don’t hold on to desires that have already been fulfilled once or twice. Create in the profession, and then it will be easier to give up the desire to give birth again and again. Because you won’t have enough.

The exception is women who choose their vocation – to be a mother, and devote all their time to children and home. As far as this is an honest decision in relation to oneself, everyone will answer for himself. For myself, I decided a long time ago that I would not be an example of self-sacrifice for children, it would be better for me to show them how to make dreams come true.

Is one child enough in a family? Should I have a second baby?

#1

#2

9 0051 March 22, 2010 11:47 PM

#3

#4

author, do you have your own housing? and you write so directly – “poverty”, to you, what really is there, or is there nothing, or what do you understand by this word?

#5

Who has enough? Who needs? Who are you asking? At 35 and without brains. .. Hard

#8

I want a second child because I love my husband very much. Not just a generalized child, but a continuation of a loved one.

You must be the first. And if doubts and poverty, then I strongly doubt that you will enjoy your motherhood.

#9

#10

Author, you answered your own question. You should not give birth for the sake of some kind of program. Are you a computer? Children should be DESIRED, and not because “it’s necessary.” Especially since you already have one child.

#11

#12

#13

#14

It’s just that you probably WANTED children, since you gave birth to three, but the author DOESN’T WANT! And if she doesn’t want to, why then give birth?

#15

#16

#17

#19

#20

#21

nora

two children each can afford

#22

Guest

nora

two children can afford each

I doubt that everyone is right 🙂 Depending on what level. ..

90 038 Woman.ru experts

  • Dmitry Olegovich Surotkin

    Psychotherapist

    40 answers

  • Sergey Katyshev

    Nutritionist

    94 answers

  • Vera Vladimirovna Zolotykh

    Psychologist

    149 answers

  • Schipko Ekaterina

    Psychologist-sexologist

    43 answers

  • Shakhova Natali

    Psychologist-consultant

    22 answers

  • Egor Mazurok

    Clinical psychologist

    22 answers

  • Sadovnikov Ernest

    Psychologist. …

    228 answers

  • Margarita Halter

    Psychologist

    63 answers

  • Julia Lekomtseva

    Cosmetologist

    284 answers

  • Oksana Nosachenko

    Psychologist

    35 answers

#23

Alinaes

And just like me, you can’t even lift one.

#24

10 mg of diazepam

Alinaes

And just like me, you can’t even lift one.

If there is one child each, then there will be half of the grandchildren. This is how the children of that woman will take the place of your grandchildren.

#25

Alinaes

If they can compete with my child… 02 10 mg diazepam

Alinaes

If they can compete with my child …

It’s about half of a grandson. Yes, of course they can, half is not viable.

10 mg of diazepam

We are talking about half a grandson. Yes, of course they can, half is not viable.

True Stories

  • My husband and his children and grandchildren piss me off…

    1,755 answers

  • 1496 answers

  • This salary – I don’t want to work

    899 answers

  • A lie 22 years long. How to destroy?

    1 122 answers

  • Husband left, 2 months of depression.

    .. How will you cope if you are left all alone?

    218 replies

#27

20. prettykate | 03/23/2010, 11:23:00 AM [2151923448]

… I feel good with one child, but will my son be fine in life?

also often think about it

#28

fairies

author, do you have your own place? and you write so directly – “poverty”, to you, what really is there, or is there nothing, or what do you understand by this word?

#29

Red flour eater

And it’s even harder when there are two of them. I counted on the help of relatives. without it, it would be sewn up. At your age, asking such questions … Usually, they no longer ask the opinion of their girlfriends. March 23, 2010 on Your question. You should not give birth for the sake of some kind of program. Are you a computer? Children should be DESIRED, and not because “it’s necessary.” Especially since you already have one child.

#31

Guest

Nora, no one ever says that children are “bad”.

It’s just that you probably WANTED children, since you gave birth to three, but the author DOESN’T WANT! And if she doesn’t want to, why then give birth?

#32

prettykate

I’m 29, my son is 2. I don’t want a second one. but I look at my husband (he is alone in the family) and at myself (I have a brother) and I think that of course it would be good for my son to have a brother or sister (maybe this idea is called a PROGRAM?). from this point of view, I’m thinking about whether to give birth to a second one or not, it’s like I’m fine with one child, but will it be good for my son alone in life?

#33

Carmen

That’s it, golden words. Almost all adults are happy if they have brothers / sisters. But here I have a sister, and my husband has a brother .. So they are on their own, that they are, that they are not. They don’t need anyone. Well, it was worth spending energy, raising a second child, so that later there would be no use from him. My mother regrets that she gave birth to the second.

#34

We don’t even need one! 9New topics

  • Support me morally

    4 answers

  • Ugly features, but a pretty face

    3 answers

  • Are blue jeans and a nice T-shirt a classic for a woman?

    5 answers

  • I don’t know if I want to communicate further or not

    1 answer

  • How much can you do?

    5 answers

#38

#39

The author, that’s what they call “I don’t want to”. The child and the difficulties associated with his growth are inseparable. If children appeared without pregnancy, childbirth, sleepless nights, etc., then much more children would be born. And most of all, these are the things that scare everyone.

#40

I want a child, especially when I look at pictures of my son when he was a baby. This is a really painful question for me, these thoughts go through my head all day long. Then I think: everything, we will make a baby – somehow we will grow it up. Then after a while: oh, horror, how can I pull it all, no, well, what the hell, I don’t want to … I’m not the only one, my friend is also suffering. The whole problem is that there is no help, and husbands do not help much.

#41

PS I love my child very much and I am very glad that we have him

Carmen This is a really painful question for me, these thoughts go through my head all day long.