Baby fussy at 4 weeks: My baby is fussy! Is something wrong? • KellyMom.com

4 Week Old Baby | Your Baby’s Development This Week

4 weeks have passed since giving birth and meeting your baby for the first time, and now your rapidly growing little one is already a month old!

Where did that time go? Although this early stage can be full of challenges, no doubt you already can’t imagine life without your precious little bundle of joy.

When you look at your new arrival, you probably feel the last four weeks have both dragged on and sped by, all at the same time.

Welcome to the complex emotions of parenthood.

4 week old weight

Your baby’s growth is rapid at this stage. During this time, most infants gain an average of 112-200 grams (4-7 ounces) a week. She’s already grown an average of 2.5 to 3.8 cms (1-1.5 inches) in length You’ve probably noticed she’s already starting to fill out all those onesies and baby grows you have stashed in the drawer.

Remember, though, these are just general rules, or averages. There’s a wide range of normal. Some babies will have moved into the next size of clothing and nappies already. Others will take a little while longer – making good use of newborn items while growing steadily at a pace perfect for them.

Your baby’s percentage (or percentile) on the pediatrician’s growth chart is used to chart appropriate growth patterns for your individual child over time. Be aware your baby’s percentages in these areas can be very different from those of your friend’s baby. However, both can be perfectly normal.

There will always be some little ones on the lower end and some on the upper end of the growth spectrum, and many more will fall somewhere in between.

Genetics play a big role in your baby’s weight, length/height and head circumference. If you and your partner are tall, or short, then chances are your baby will be too.

4 week old baby milestones

At four weeks old, your baby has already mastered some developmental milestones, and her world outside the womb is beginning to seem more like home.

Can a 4 week old smile?

You might be wondering whether it’s possible to see a glimmer of a smile at 4 weeks.

Your one month old is definitely capable of flashing you a brief smile at this stage, but smiles will become more frequent over the next few weeks and months.

Smiles at 4 weeks tend to be more what are known as ‘reflex’ smiles. They are brief occasional ‘accidental’ smiles that occur as babies practise their facial expressions, rather than in response to something. Did you know it is even possible for babies to smile in the womb?

Real smiles or ‘social’ smiles take longer to develop, and occur purposely as a way for babies to engage or interact with a parent or caregiver. Experts believe true social smiles tend to occur consistently around 2 months old.

Emotions

After this first month there are some things about new parenthood you’re feeling confident about, and some parts you’re struggling with.

Your 1 month babymoon and recovery period is at an end. You might feel fragile and not quite ready to jump back into your normal routine. Or perhaps you’re feeling ready to join the outside world and show off your new baby. Either of these feelings – or a combination of both – is completely normal.

The normal emotions of ‘baby blues’ can come and go in the first month. As your baby gets older, and your support team dwindles, as a new mom you can often feel a bit overwhelmed or lonely at about month 1.

Keep reaching out for the support you need. Be sure to build a community of families and other parents. It takes a village.

If your emotions are more than occasional tearfulness, reach out for help. Postnatal depression and the more serious postpartum psychosis are conditions that can be treated by professionals. There is a range of treatments that can help you adjust to parenthood and give you the tools to care for your baby and yourself.

Feeding your 4 week old baby

A fully breastfed baby should be getting the hang of things by now.

If you still have sore or cracked nipples after this first month, it might be time to consult an IBCLC (a specially qualified lactation consultant), to investigate whether problems like nipple thrush or tongue or lip ties are involved.

If you think there’s still room for improvement with your baby’s latch, try a different approach. This is often called laid-back breastfeeding or baby-led attachment.

If you’re bottle-feeding, you might be wondering How often do I need to feed my baby?

This will depend on whether you’re using breast milk or formula.

If your baby is formula fed, following your baby’s lead is just as important as it is when you breastfeed.

4 week old baby feeding schedules

Rigid schedules and routines don’t allow for changes in your baby’s appetite during developmental leaps. Strict routines can also mean your baby becomes too distressed to feed well.

She might swallow air while crying, which leads to discomfort after feeding.

No matter which method you use to feed your baby, it’s generally best to be flexible about the frequency and volume of feeds.

Mixed feeding – a combination of breast milk and formula – is often used when formula top-ups are introduced, due to concerns about the baby’s weight gains. Be guided by your baby’s pediatrician or health nurse if this is the case.

If you’re doing mixed feeding and want to return to fully breastfeeding your baby, you can do it gradually once you’ve identified and resolved the reasons your baby wasn’t gaining weight normally.

Some families prefer to use mixed feeding and this can continue as long as desired.

You might hear, especially if your little one was born during the summer months, that you should give her water to drink.

Be sure to read Does My Baby Need Water? What You Need To Know before you take on that advice.

4 week old baby sleeping

Nighttime feeding is still very frequent for a baby at 4 weeks.

It’s a known fact newborns don’t have a regular sleep/wake pattern, therefore sleepless nights are still very much a thing, unfortunately.

Remember, newborn babies have a physical need to feed regularly through the night. It’s not a question of whether they’re ‘good’ or not. They’re simply not designed to go long periods without food.

It’s perfectly fine for breastfed babies to wake 2-4 hourly for feedings at this age. If your baby is formula fed you might notice she sleeps for slightly longer periods.

You might even find she’s nursing more frequently than in the previous week. Remember, as your baby goes through growth spurts, some nights will be more restful than others.

Try to take advantage of a daytime nap to keep you topped up and prepared for those sometimes long nights.

How long should a baby sleep at 4 weeks?

Unfortunately for us, babies don’t yet know the difference between day and night. Their bodies are still trying to regulate their day and night time rhythms, also known as their circadian rhythms.

In adults, the circadian rhythm is governed by light and darkness, and by our natural hormones.

Babies, on the other hand, haven’t yet developed this internal body clock. As a result, they tend to sleep for a short period at a time, usually ranging anywhere from 30 minutes to up to 4 hours.

On average, a one month old baby still needs between 16 and 18 hours sleep over a 24 hour period.

Help your little one develop her natural rhythms, by teaching her that night time feeds are quiet and low key. Avoid turning on bright lights, and keep talk and engagement with her to a minimum.

Co-sleeping and bed sharing

You might also consider bringing your baby into your bed for feeding and sleeping.

Provided you are practising safe bed-sharing, co-sleeping with your little one can have many benefits – not the least being that you get better sleep.

Many new parents are nervous about the idea of co-sleeping, so we spoke to Emily, BellyBelly’s very own IBCLC, for some further information.

‘A baby’s needs do not switch off overnight. Just like during the daytime, babies need to be responded to, nurtured and fed throughout the night. 

‘Co-sleeping promotes and protects a strong breastfeeding relationship.

‘Across many different cultures, babies have historically slept close to their mothers. Breastfeeding mothers are particularly responsive to their babies and breastfeeding is protective against SIDS. 

‘When breastfeeding in a side lying position, babies will naturally roll off the breast onto their back when they have finished feeding. Mothers also typically adopt a C-shaped sleeping position that protects their baby from sleeping accidents’.

Benefits to your baby’s health

If you’re excluded from bed-sharing by any of the safe sleeping guidelines, you and your baby can still gain most of the benefits.

You can leave your baby in her own bed, alongside yours; this will minimize the delay in your response to her feeding cues.

It also makes it easier to transfer your sleeping baby back to bed after her feed.

Learn more in our article Babies and Sleep: The Benefits Of Cosleeping.

Here are 7 reasons why nighttime breastfeeding is so important.

Bed safety

In order to reduce the risk of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome), it’s recommended you have your baby sleep in the same room as her mother for the first 6-12 months.

For some families, though, this isn’t possible.

In these circumstances, a breastfeeding mother can rest easier if her partner handles everything apart from the feeding – for example, getting the baby, changing her if needed, and transferring her back to bed after she settles.

This allows the mother to remain in bed and breastfeed while safely lying down.

Babies sleeping in a separate room, away from their mothers, are more likely to be fed on a chair or sofa in the nursery or living room.

These are high-risk environments for a baby, as an adult might fall asleep while feeding or settling. It’s very important for adults to remain awake if feeding or settling on a sofa or chair.

One study found one in eight SIDS and infant sleep-related deaths occurred on a sofa.

The sofa is the only sleep environment in which sudden infant death syndrome incidents have increased – from 6% in 1993-1996 to 16% in 2003-2006.

A parent might try to feed the baby without disturbing the other parent, watch TV or use a mobile device while up with the baby in the middle of the night. When this happens, the baby can end up sleeping on the sofa.

Whether breastfeeding or bottle-feeding a baby, a parent might accidentally fall asleep out of exhaustion.

Mothers are at particular risk of falling asleep while sitting up and breastfeeding, due to the sleep-inducing hormones released during feeding.

If one of you is sitting up to feed your newborn baby in the night, the other should supervise. If this isn’t possible, it’s better to sit safely on the floor to breastfeed or stand up to bottle feed.

Adults who smoke, who are affected by drugs or alcohol, or who are extremely fatigued (including those made drowsy from prescribed medications) should not risk sleeping with a baby under any circumstances.

Why is my 4 week old suddenly so fussy/unsettled?

By the time your baby is 4 to 6 weeks old, you’ll begin to experience what’s referred to as the ‘arsenic hour’ or the ‘witching hour’.

Unfortunately, it’s a little misleading: it can actually last longer than an hour.

It describes a period of time in the evening when your baby is quite unsettled and fussy, and you feel like nothing seems to help.

This stage usually lasts until around 12 weeks of age, so having some great strategies in place will make a big difference.

Be sure to read our article on Surviving The Arsenic Hour…  it could save your sanity!

Responsive parenting

As your 4-week old baby grows, so will the unsolicited advice you get about how to care for her.

Some well-meaning friends and family members might suggest you use the ‘Cry It Out Method‘. This method is not recommended by experts and doesn’t support optimal brain development.

You might be accused of ‘spoiling’ your baby if you respond to her cries.

Your 4 week old baby’s development is critical at this stage. She is in the important developmental stage of learning where her needs will need to be consistently met to help her feel secure.

Responding to your baby actually decreases the time she spends crying. With this prompt attention, she’ll form a secure attachment to you and other care providers.

Studies even show the way babies are handled has long-lasting effects into adulthood.

Make sure you listen to your intuition. You know your baby best. 

A good response for people who criticize your methods of caring for your baby is simply to explain, ‘This is what works for our family’.

What should babies be doing at 4 weeks? Your baby’s development

Tummy time will now be a regular part of your 4-week old baby’s day.

Perhaps you both enjoy it. Or maybe your baby doesn’t, which causes you to worry.

If you are struggling, there are some ideas to help you in our article Tummy Time For Baby – How To Make It Fun.

Tummy time is important, as it helps to prevent flat spots on your baby’s head, from always being laid in one position. It also helps to develop and strengthen neck, chest and shoulder muscles. This will improve gross motor skills, and prepare your baby for what’s to come as she learns to roll, crawl, move and walk in the coming months and years.

Your 4-week old baby might be holding her head up well when you hold her upright. She might be lifting her head when she lies on her tummy. Her neck muscles are getting stronger every day.

Play and development

One way to encourage your little one, and to give her some sensory stimulation at the same time, is to lie her gently over a fitness ball and slowly roll it backward and forwards (obviously being careful not to let her fall).

The movement stimulates her vestibular system, while the changing scenery engages her visually.

She will want to look up to see more, strengthening her neck and upper body.

Keep this playtime short so she isn’t overwhelmed. Allow her time to rest and process the experience with some quiet time in your arms afterwards.

The fitness ball is also handy to sit on and gently bounce your crying baby, to soothe and settle her to sleep.

To keep her interest during tummy time, take advantage of her new favorite things to look at, such as high contrast shapes and patterns.

They will provide your baby with something simple and interesting to focus on. This period of intense concentration allows her mind to rest. It’s like a mindfulness activity for newborns.

Newborn babies at this age are less interested in the pastel or bright colors you’ve chosen to decorate the nursery. They enjoy black and white or high contrast geometric shapes.

But don’t rush out to repaint the walls or buy a new collection of toys.

This stage won’t last long. Your baby will be just as happy with a few printouts from online sources as she will with the most expensive ‘educational’ toys and books.

You can also check out your local library and toy library for ideas.

Your baby’s senses

Remember, a baby’s favourite things to look at are human faces.

Your baby will spend more and more time in a quiet alert state. Take advantage of this time by holding her where she can focus her eyesight best (8-12 inches away).

A newborn baby recognizes your voice and other voices she heard in the womb. She also remembers songs and stories she heard before birth.

Baby social cues

Although your baby is still a long way from using words, she has cues to show you she’s listening and learning.

Your 4-week old can:

• React to loud sounds
• Turn her head toward sounds and familiar voices
• Watch your face as you talk to her
• Vocalize pleasure and displeasure
• Make cooing sounds (vowel sounds like ‘aaahh’ and ‘ooooh’).

Talk to your baby; imitate her cooing and her facial expressions. Sing favorite songs and recite nursery rhymes.

It’s easy to get caught up in our busy lives as parents. Even so, it’s important to take the time to slow down to your little one’s pace and enjoy each other’s company.

At one month, you’re also beginning to see your baby’s own temperament and personality.

If this isn’t your first baby you’ll quickly notice this baby’s responses and reactions might be different from those of your first child.

Temperaments are in-born and some babies are more adaptable than others.

Sensory overload

Reading your new baby’s cues is an important part of parenting and meeting her needs.

Some babies are easily overstimulated while others have an easier time adjusting to new sights, sounds and activities. Pay attention to her non-verbal cues.

Here are some ways new babies can use their bodies to communicate and show you they need a break:

• Fearful facial expressions
• Glazed over eyes
• Shuddering or jerking suddenly
• Turning their heads away from a stimulus
• Putting hands into tight fists
• Agitated crying.

There are also ways for babies to show pleasure and readiness for activities:

• Relaxing their bodies
• Faces brightening
• Direct eye contact
• Smiling or having wide eyes with inviting facial expressions
• Being alert and attentive.

Narrating your actions and your baby’s reactions can help you both to integrate your interactions with each other. This helps you get into a ‘rhythm’ with your baby and teaches her what to expect.

First outings with your baby

Now your baby is a month old, you might start thinking about venturing more into the outside world.

Being prepared for your baby’s feeds and managing dirty diapers away from home might feel overwhelming.

For your first few outings, it’s wise to bring your partner or a friend, so you’ll have an extra pair of hands if needed for the diaper change, or to help with all the baby gear.

Some babies love the movement of the car and don’t mind the car seat, but some seem to hate this necessary part of life.

Read our article Baby Hates The Car Seat? to find some survival tips to get you through your errands.

You might also have some anxiety about breastfeeding in public, or have heard of women who had a negative experience when they breastfed in public. Remember, the good news is that you have the right to feed your baby anywhere she needs to be fed.

Our article, 10 Things That Will Happen When You Breastfeed In Public, will help reassure you and prepare you for some common reactions and possibilities.

4-Week-Old Baby Milestones – Happiest Baby

By
Dr. Harvey Karp, MD, FAAP

Four weeks isn’t “just” 4 weeks—it’s just about the 1-month birthday! Yay! That’s a huge milestone for both your baby and you. Whether it’s your first time or 10th, you’ve earned a huge pat on the back.

As you and your baby continue to get acquainted, you’ll understand them better and better. From predicting when your baby will be hungry to recognizing cues that they are getting sleepy, you’re starting to figure things out.  

This fussing for no obvious reason peaks between 4 and 8 weeks. The word “colic” means stomach pain. Maybe 10% of fussy babies fuss because of a milk allergy and 2 to 3% fuss because of acid reflux. But, for most babies, we can easily tell that the fussing is not caused by tummy pain because they tend to calm with the sound of a hair drier, bouncing on the edge of the bed, or even car rides…and, of course, with the 5 S’s.

Many babies have fussing peaks in the early evening, the so-called “witching hour.” A key culprit of the witching hour is overstimulation. Your baby may be a good sport all day…but may hit their limit by sundown. Help them wind down by dimming the lights, using white noise, turning down other noises (TVs, etc), and crank up the 5 S’s to lull your baby into a more peaceful state.  

4-Week-Old Baby Feeding Schedule

How much breastmilk should a 4-week-old baby eat?

A 4-week-old baby eats about 2 to 3 ounces of milk about every 2 to 3 hours. Breastfed babies nurse about eight to 12 times in a 24-hour period.

Your 4-Week-Old Baby’s Development

Senses Coming into Focus

As your baby begins to have clear wake and sleep periods, you get to play together more!

• Hearing is one of your baby’s sharpest senses. At this point and they love the sound of you speaking and singing…especially when you use a higher, more animated voice.
• Your baby’s eyesight continues to develop. Now, it’s much easier for them to track your face—or a toy or black and white design—as you move it from side to side. Their best distance for seeing is 18 to 24 inches.
• Speaking of those eyes: Babies’ eye colors can change throughout the first year. If your baby’s eyes are dark brown now, they are likely to stay that way. If they are blue or grey, they may or may not darken. You’ll know better by 9 to 12 months! 

Your 4-Week-Old Baby’s Health

The Rundown on Colic

There’s a reason colic is so dreaded by expectant parents: More than a few tears, colic is defined as inconsolable crying streaks for three or more hours a day. It’s heartbreaking! It’s miserable! It’s NOT going to last forever. You may just be in the very worst of it, so do what you can to help your baby and ask for back-up when you need to step away for a while. 

For centuries, the common belief about colic was that it’s tied to intestinal discomfort. People point to clues like bloated bellies and clenched fists…but why is it that digestive “fixes” don’t solve colic? That’s because the real trouble here is that human babies are simply born too early. We can’t safely extend the gestation period, but we can help ease the transition to the outside world by practicing (and practicing, and practicing) the 5 S’s. 

Cradle Cap

Between 1 and 2 months, some babies develop oily little scales on the scalp, eyebrows, and face known as “cradle cap” or seborrhea. With your doctor’s blessing, you should be able to treat the scalp/eyebrow scales by massaging in oil, gently brushing, and shampooing the scalp or washing the eyebrows with a soapy cotton swab. (Once the scalp/eyebrows are better, the face rash often resolves on its own.) Read more about cradle cap here. 

4-Week-Old Baby Vaccinations

Sometime between one and two months, babies will receive the second dose of their Hepatitis B vaccine. Other than that, though, you’ll wait until your baby’s 2-month checkup before they receive their next round of vaccinations. 

Can you travel with a 4-week-old baby?

At 4 weeks, babies are still very, very vulnerable to illness, so limit travel to what’s necessary. If you can, travel by car instead of by plane or train, which will lessen your little one’s exposure to nasty germs. When you are out and about with your baby, be sure to wash and sanitize your hands often. Opt for outdoor meet-ups when you can, and keep your distance. And, it’s best to wait until your baby is at least 3 months old before passing them around. (If you must travel by air, see our tips for flying with your baby.)

< Your 3-Week-Old Baby | Your 5-Week-Old Baby > 

About Dr.

Harvey Karp

Dr. Harvey Karp, one of America’s most trusted pediatricians, is the founder of Happiest Baby and the inventor of the groundbreaking SNOO Smart Sleeper. After years of treating patients in Los Angeles, Dr. Karp vaulted to global prominence with the release of the bestselling Happiest Baby on the Block and Happiest Toddler on the Block. His celebrated books and videos have since become standard pediatric practice, translated into more than 20 languages and have helped millions of parents. Dr. Karp’s landmark methods, including the 5 S’s for soothing babies, guide parents to understand and nurture their children and relieve stressful issues, like new-parent exhaustion, infant crying, and toddler tantrums.

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Have questions about a Happiest Baby product? Our consultants would be happy to
help! Connect with us at customercare@happiestbaby. com.

Disclaimer: The information on our site is NOT medical advice for any specific person or
condition. It is only meant as general information. If you have any medical questions and concerns about your child or
yourself, please contact your health provider.

How to Calm a Fussy Baby: Tips for Parents & Caregivers

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​Here are ways you can try to comfort a crying baby. It may take a few tries, but with patience and practice you’ll find out what works and what doesn’t for your baby.

• 
  
  Swaddle your baby in a large, thin blanket (ask your nurse or child’s doctor to show you how to do it correctly) to help them feel secure.

• 
  Hold your baby in your arms and place her body on their left side to help digestion or stomach for support. Gently rub their back. If your baby goes to sleep, remember to always lay her down in her crib on her
  back.

• 
  Turn on a calming sound. Sounds that remind babies of being inside the womb may be calming, such as a white noise device, the humming sound of a fan, or the recording of a heartbeat.

• 
  Walk your baby in a body carrier or rock them. Calming motions remind babies of movements they felt in the womb.

• 
  Avoid overfeeding your baby because this may also make them uncomfortable. Try to wait at least 2 to 2½ hours from the beginning of one feeding to the next.

• 
  If it is not yet time to feed your baby, offer the
  
  pacifier or help your baby find their
  
  thumb or finger. Many babies are calmed by sucking.

• 
  If
  
  food sensitivity is the cause of discomfort, a change in diet may help.

• 
  For breastfed babies: Moms may try changing their own diet. See if your baby gets less fussy if you cut down on milk ­products or caffeine. If there is no ­difference after making the dietary changes, resume your usual diet. Avoiding spicy or gassy foods like onions or ­cabbage has worked for some moms, but this has not been ­scientifically proven.

• 
  For bottle-fed babies: Ask your child’s ­doctor if you should try a
  different for­mula. This has been shown to be helpful for some babies.

• 
  Keep a diary of when your baby is awake, asleep, eating, and crying. Write down how long it takes your baby to eat or if your baby cries the most after eating. Talk with your child’s doctor about these behaviors to see if their crying is related to sleeping or eating.

• 
  Limit each daytime nap to no longer than 3 hours a day. Keep your baby calm and quiet when you feed or change themr during the night by avoiding bright lights and noises, such as the TV.

Checklist for what your baby may need:

Here are some other ­reasons why your baby may cry and tips on what you can try to meet that need. If your baby is…

• 
  Hungry. Keep track of feeding times and look for early signs of hunger, such as lip-smacking or ­moving fists to his mouth.

• 
  Cold or hot. Dress your baby in about the same ­layers of clothing that you are wearing to be comfortable.

• 
  Wet or soiled.
  Check the diaper. In the first few months, babies wet and soil their diapers a lot.

• 
  Spitting up or vomiting a lot. Some babies have symptoms from
  gastroesophageal reflux (GER), and the fussiness can be confused with
  colic. Contact your child’s doctor if your baby is fussy after feeding, has excessive spitting or vomiting, and is losing or not gaining weight.

• 
  Sick (has a fever or other illness). Check your baby’s temperature. If your baby is younger than 2 months and has a fever, call your child’s ­doctor right away. See
  Fever and Your Baby for more information.

• 
  Overstimulated. Try ways to calm your baby mentioned above.

• 
  Bored. Quietly sing or hum a song to your baby. Go for a walk.

Why parents & caregivers need breaks from crying babies:

If you have tried to calm your crying baby but nothing seems to work, you may need to take a moment for yourself. Crying can be tough to handle, especially if you’re physically tired and mentally exhausted.

• Take a deep breath and count to 10.

• Place your baby in a safe place, such as crib or playpen without blankets and stuffed animals; leave the room; and let your baby cry alone for about 10 to 15 minutes.

• While your baby is in a safe place, consider some actions that may help calm you down.

• Listen to music for a few minutes.

• Call a friend or family member for ­emotional support.

• Do simple household chores, such as vacuuming or washing the dishes.

• If you have not calmed after 10 to 15 minutes, check on your baby but do not pick up your baby until you feel you have calmed down.

• When you have calmed down, go back and pick up your baby. If your baby is still crying, retry soothing measures.

• Call your child’s doctor. There may be a medical reason why your baby is crying.

• 
  Try to be patient. Keeping your baby safe is the most important thing you can do. It is normal to feel upset, frustrated, or even angry, but it is important to keep your behavior under control. Remember, it is never safe to shake, throw, hit, slam, or jerk any child—and it never solves the problem!

More information:

• 
  Responding to Your Baby’s Cries
• 
  Colic Relief Tips for Parents
• 
  A Parent’s Guide To Safe Sleep
• 
  Remedies for Spitty Babies
• 
  Abusive Head Trauma: How to Protect Your Baby

Last Updated

3/21/2022

Source

Crying and Your Baby: How to Calm a Fussy or Colicky Baby (Copyright © 2016 American Academy of Pediatrics)

The information contained on this Web site should not be used as a substitute for the medical care and advice of your pediatrician. There may be variations in treatment that your pediatrician may recommend based on individual facts and circumstances.

There is a capricious child in the house – how to deal with it? | Mamovedia

There is a capricious child in the house – how to deal with it? | Mamovediya – about the health and development of the child

Children are active, and their strength seems to never end, while the patience of mom and dad is. It may happen that parents of very active babies sometimes get nervous, scream, and sometimes raise their hand. And immediately afterwards they feel guilty.

When children make us lose patience, what is the most reasonable and effective response?

Given that:

Whims for a child are “life tests”, so it’s normal that they are satisfied with them.

It can be said that children’s craft is to break the rules, because in this way they learn how far they can go with their demands. But the task of the parent is to return them to their place. This is a tough job because kids are not switches that turn on and off at will, so parents need to arm themselves with patience and not feel incapacitated if they don’t succeed quickly.

Parents are human beings and can get angry. There are times when a parent is more tired than usual, very preoccupied with business and problems. If it so happened that the parent lost his temper and punished the child, you need to ask the baby for forgiveness. But you also need to understand that this is not a demonstration of strength, but a manifestation of weakness, a moment in which an adult could not cope with his emotions. And then you need to work to ensure that this situation does not happen again.

Effective strategies:

1. Do not shout: it is useless, it causes anger and tantrums. When a child is naughty, you do not need to scream and be more angry than he is. If we scream, the child’s brain increases the so-called “anger chemistry”, that is, the production of stress substances, which makes him tremble even more. On the contrary, our calm, controlled attitude softens the child’s anger, and his brain begins to produce oxytocin, which is a hormone of calm and well-being. Crying is an immature manifestation of anxiety. A screaming parent in the eyes of a child does not look like a competent adult who needs to learn life, but a relative who has lost his head and control over himself.
2. Talk to your child calmly, but firmly and decisively. In order to correct a child’s behavior, a few words spoken with confidence and calmness are enough. The smaller the child, the more he is unable to understand the meaning of our words, but he perfectly understands our attitude towards him. If the child is naughty, just tell him “stop”; if he is shaking and screaming, take his hands without hurting him, look into his eyes and calmly say: “this is not worth doing” without adding a bunch of “because …”.
3. Be confident in your competence as a parent. Most often, mom and dad lose patience and raise their voices because they feel vulnerable and helpless in front of the whims of the child. However, the parent must clearly understand the principles and rules that he wants to teach respect to the child. The message that should go to the child is: “I know how it’s done; my quiet word is so powerful that I don’t have to shout to say it.” Faced with such a deep conviction, the child feels that the adult is competent and stops his tantrum.
4. Show that you understand his feelings. When we say “no”, we do not show the child that we understand his anger. It is enough to say something simple: “I see that you are angry, but this is not the time to act like this. It seems like a banal phrase, but there is a tangible difference. Tell the child that he is not trapped in his anger; that he can feel anger and manage it without waiting for it to overwhelm him. However, if the child sees that the parent is the first to lose patience, he will be afraid of his reaction, perceiving it as something terrible and uncontrollable. Prevention is better than cure, so:
5. Pay attention to your child in moments of calm . Often hidden behind a whim is the need to attract the attention of parents, who always seem to be distracted and intent on doing something else. It is necessary to spend time with children when you are in a state of grace: play a little, share emotions, without mobile phones and without TV. It’s like magic, but when a child is surrounded by attention, he becomes an angel and is less prone to extremes.
6. Reward your child when they behave well. The child will not always be only capricious. When he has good behavior, the parent can praise him, thank him and encourage him. Thus, the child feels compelled to continue on the right path, and is ready to accept the parent’s “no”.
7. Anticipate whim . Another secret is not to wait until the child makes us angry, but to stop him in time. Sometimes, for convenience, we satisfy the whims of the child, thinking that this will end, instead we get endless tantrums. If you notice a child in the supermarket looking longingly at a chocolate egg, not expecting to cry, say something like “no eggs today, we agreed that we will buy it on Saturday. ” And that’s all. If the child is convinced that he can get the coveted egg, and understands that, insisting on her own, the mother can give up, the desire of the child increases, and then it will be difficult to restrain his whim. Another example? The child comes home from school hungry, and the mother, for convenience, gives him a piece of bread, and he asks for more and more, as a result, he sits down at the dinner table and does not touch the food, which entails a quarrel. It is better not to give up from the very beginning, to involve the child in cooking, so that everyone can quickly sit down at the table together.
8. Be consistent. The rule is the best way to prevent tantrums. Once a rule is established, it must be followed. If you said go to bed at 9pm, then it must be 9pm.

If the parent is consistent, the child feels that he cannot manipulate him at will. On the other hand, if today the child goes to bed at 9 pm, tomorrow the parents want to watch a movie and it is more convenient to put the baby to bed earlier, and the next day the whole family goes to a pizzeria and sleep is postponed until a later time, the child understands that the rule can change everyday.

Of course, when the child grows up, from the age of 9-10 there are small negotiations with the child, but the message should be: “the reins are in the hands of adults, and the decision is made by the parents”.

In any case, “no” to assault, because:

is physical abuse. Beating a child is a humiliating and aggressive act, an abuse of power, and also a demonstration of the weakness of a parent who has lost his position and cannot resolve the issue except by physical force, which is obviously higher than that of a child;

– this is intimidating. When a parent raises his voice and raises his hand to the child, he also has a facial expression that instills fear in the child and makes him believe that he is no longer loved;

– violence is violence. Raising a hand to a child has never been an effective educational technique. The more a child is beaten, the angrier and more violent he becomes in dealing with others;

– this causes a feeling of guilt, and throws the parent into the other extreme. Yelling and hitting causes guilt in the parent, and in order to correct the situation, the parent may rush from one extreme to the other, becoming hyper-permissive. Such inconsistency confuses the child, who does not understand either the behavior of the parent or the meaning of what he did;

– this is completely inefficient. Punishment can lead to immediate results, but obedience to fear will not lead to the understanding of the error: on the contrary, it will lead to a feeling of submission, from which you want to free yourself as soon as possible.

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90,000 children’s whims, or how to survive “Growth disease” – July 23, 2010

Life

July 23, 2010, 12:58

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Nothing upsets and irritates inexperienced parents more than the whims of a child. Why is the kid screaming at the whole supermarket literally twisting ropes from his dads and moms, eventually achieving his own (“buy”!)? What if the child is about to go to school, and he does not want to part with whining and tantrums? Rosa Khaziyeva, an educational psychologist and author of numerous books for parents, shared useful advice with Fontanka.

– Most children are naughty. This kind of “growing pains” usually appears by the age of two and passes safely by five or six. Therefore, parents should not dramatize the situation and look for the guilty (“my son has a terrible temper” or “I’m a bad parent, since my child throws tantrums”). A whim is normal, because the child grows up, begins to comprehend the words of an adult and ceases to perceive them unconditionally. This, finally, is a manifestation of character, will, and initiative.

But often the stubbornness and self-will of the baby are so strong and regular that even experienced parents are at a loss. How to achieve the fulfillment of the requirements of an adult, without suppressing the self-esteem of the baby?

There can be no single recipes, because each case is individual. For parents, the most important thing is to understand why it is his child who is naughty, and what he needs to change in his (parental) behavior. After all, the whim of a child is is a reflection of what is happening in his soul, and our reaction to a whim is a reflection of what is happening in our soul.

Caprice often occurs when we ask a child to do something (go to bed), when we ask a child to stop doing something (eat sweets before dinner), and when we refuse a child a request ( I won’t buy you another car).

All mothers and fathers, grandparents love their children and grandchildren and would like to give them absolutely everything they want. But this is not possible for many reasons. There are words “You can’t!” and “We must!”. It turns out that the child is faced with the task of achieving his goal at all costs. And before an adult – to teach him to coordinate his desires with the prohibitions, norms, rules and requirements accepted in society, in the family, in this cultural environment, at the same time maintain loving, warm relations with him.

Ignoring whims (not paying attention – “it will pass by itself”) or, on the contrary, rudely suppressing the child’s resistance (“I said, and it will be so!”) Is wrong. The sooner the baby learns to cope with disappointments (“it happens in life that you don’t get everything right away, as soon as you wish”), the better for him. The ability to put up with discomfort and difficulties helps in the end to achieve the desired goals. It’s no secret that prosperous and happy adults are those who have learned to endure disappointment, while unhappy and unfortunate ones are not!

We must remember that bad behavior is not always a whim. Sometimes the child may be sad, anxious, offended, and he, as it seems to us, is “naughty”. When a child gets sick, he whimpers and demands more attention than usual. There is no clash of interests, no conflict, and only sympathy, attention, and help is required from parents.

It is known that there are children who are relatively easy to raise, these are the so-called “easy” children. It is easy to negotiate with them, they are obedient due to their natural characteristics. But there are also children who are harder to care for, harder to communicate with, harder to raise. These are difficult children. They will demand much more from their mothers than “easy” children. “Difficult” children are more capricious – impulsive, proud, with a heightened sense of dignity, active and naturally energetic children. Parents can also be divided into “difficult” and “accommodating” ones.

A parent with a difficult character is characterized by categorical judgments, an orderly, commanding tone. Such a parent strives to ensure that his orders are carried out by the child immediately, not discussed or postponed. Often a difficult parent considers the manifestation of independence as a manifestation of self-will and stubbornness, and the child’s attempts to do everything in his own way only annoy him.

A difficult parent can also be considered those who are often dissatisfied with something, restless, unable to endure disappointment, not restrained, conflicted, overly emotional, poorly endures changes in life.

A parent with an accommodating character calm, cheerful, good-natured, compliant. He welcomes activity and independence in his child, allows dissent. They are reasonable, able to endure disappointments, easily adapt to changes in life. A compliant parent is democratic, but sometimes democracy develops into an inability to set reasonable boundaries!

Different advice for different parents with different children

difficult parent, difficult child and difficult parent. In different combinations, parents require different skills aimed at changing the behavior of the child.

“We can always come to an agreement…”

Those who are lucky are the parents of an easily raised child, because such a child is prudent and easily recognizes that parents are in charge.

Diana is 4 years old and goes to kindergarten. Sometimes Diana doesn’t want to get up in the morning.

– Mom, I don’t want to go to kindergarten.

-Daughter, my dad and I need to go to work.

– Mom, I don’t want to… I didn’t get enough sleep…

– Let’s agree this. Here is the alarm clock. Now you are still lying down. When the big hand reaches five, you yourself will quickly get up and collect yourself. (Diana knows numbers up to five).

Mom is leaving. Diana lies in bed and looks at her watch. Waiting. Time drags on slowly. As the big hand approaches five, Diana jumps up and begins to dress.

This mother acted wisely: she did not become indignant, slightly yielded, allowing her daughter to lie down in bed for a while, allowed the girl to control time herself – left her alone.

Difficult children are great actors

Compliant parents set boundaries only in critical situations. These adults don’t like conflict, but their child is ready to jump into a fight! The ability to manipulate people around them is much better developed than their parents. The child, as it were, offers a deal: “Give me what I want, then both you and I will be fine.”

First of all, an accommodating parent must learn to look at a whim as a normal phenomenon and control their emotions. The desire to quickly resolve the conflict is justified and understandable – there is little pleasant in the conflict. But there is nothing terrible either. No need to go into a frenzy and a nervous breakdown. If a parent thinks: “I can’t stand this nightmare anymore!”, It means that he is not in control of the situation. Parents of difficult-to-raise children need to show more firmness and show strong will during conflicts.

Masha is four years old. She goes to kindergarten. When mom picks up Masha from the kindergarten and they go home together, the same story is repeated many times – Masha asks to buy a chocolate bar to eat immediately before dinner. Mom is against.

– Do not eat chocolate every day before dinner. You’ll ruin your stomach!

-Buy. I won’t ruin my stomach. I’ll eat anything you say at dinner! Well, please…

Masha does not go further. Mom knows that Masha will not budge until they go to the store and buy a chocolate bar. In addition, she knows that her daughter will throw a tantrum right on the street if her mother tries to take her away. Masha’s mother is afraid. Mom does not know how to cope with the situation, she is helpless.

– This is the last time, Masha. You are already a big girl, and you should understand that eating chocolate before dinner is wrong!

They leave the store in silence. Katya is tormented by the thought that she is doing something wrong. Masha is happy. She got what she wanted.

When such a problem arises, parents need to stop, think and develop a clear line of behavior and not change it until the end of the conflict. It is best to make a deal with the child before a conflict situation arises. For example , Masha on her way home not asks to buy chocolate. If she calmly walks past the store, then after dinner she gets dessert. “And an additional cartoon after the program “Good night, kids!”, Masha adds. Mom agrees – the discussion of the terms of the transaction is not only allowed, but even encouraged. So the deal is done. The parties came to an agreement. But the very next day, Masha violates the contract – she refuses cartoons for the sake of chocolate and calls her mother a greedy woman. The girl ignores the warning about punishment.

– I’ll have to punish you – you won’t watch cartoons today and go to bed 20 minutes earlier, – mother repeats in a firm voice. Mom leaves.

Masha understands that her mother is not going to give in. Besides, if Masha continues to stand, her mother will send her to bed earlier than usual! She makes a decision – with a loud roar, she goes after her mother. At home, Masha doesn’t get dessert after dinner and goes to bed without cartoons. Both are not in a very good mood, but you can be sure that Masha will learn a lesson from this incident.

When parents make a decision, clearly state their position and stop talking, children understand that arguing is useless, and even impossible – after all, the parent is silent!

Have you ever thought about your behavior when a whim begins? What are you doing at this time? That’s right, most often you ask the child to stop what he is doing, give arguments, ask questions to “get to the bottom of the problem”, threaten, reproach, scare. That is, in fact, you say the first thing that comes to mind, and at the same time you think that you are doing everything in order to prevent a whim! And meanwhile, during a whim, you need to say very little, and very deliberately! Why? Because during a whim, the conversation very soon ceases to be a two-way exchange of information, as it should be, but turns into an emotional battle.

“I have an obedient child. See how to educate!”

Recall that in families where difficult parents and an easy child, conflicts are rare. Children here are often unresponsive. During conflicts, only the parent has the right to speak, and, as a rule, he orders or reads the notation. If the child is upset, not getting what he wants, the parents call him different insulting nicknames: a crybaby, a whiner. Parents raise a child, not taking into account the personality, age needs and interests.

Misha is four years old. He doesn’t like semolina. Seeing that his mother has cooked semolina for breakfast, Misha tries to refuse.

– Mom, can I not eat porridge?

– Everyone will eat porridge. And you too.

– I don’t like semolina.

– Sit down and eat. Do not be fancy! Are you slacking off again? What kind of a man are you if you shed tears even for such a trifling occasion?

Difficult parents should remember that if children’s needs and desires are constantly ignored, then kids begin to think that they are bad and unnecessary, that they are a burden for others, that they are not loved. In dealing with difficult parents, they have only one option – obedience. Compliant children with difficult parents will not learn to defend their point of view. It is in these families that people without initiative, prone to depression, with low self-esteem and increased anxiety are brought up!

“Well, my child has character! And who is he like?

A difficult child to raise and a difficult parent is the most difficult case. Parents almost never turn to their children with a request – they have solid orders: “Put away toys!”, “Go now!”, “Put them back!”, Which alternate with prohibitions: “Don’t go there!”, “Don’t touch !”, “Throw away now!” All parental demands are made in a high, irritated voice. Here, real battles flare up over sleep, food, daily routine, often with the use of force. Difficult children, on the other hand, take pleasure in punishing their parents with stubborn behavior, tantrums and arguments, because they themselves feel angry at the parent for not getting what they want.

What does a difficult parent need to learn? Do not complain that your child has a cool temper, do not try to change it, but start with yourself! Change you, change your relationship! Accept your child for who he is. Remember that it is precisely those children who, in our opinion, deserve it the least, need the most love. Your child is active, energetic, enterprising, strong-willed, stubborn, he is wonderful, and if you have difficulties in upbringing now, it is only because you do not know how to manage the situation! You need to learn how to deal with attempts to emotionally blackmail a difficult child without resorting to arguments, yelling, and physical punishment.

Vanya is four and a half years old. Every day she and her mother go to play on the same playground in the park and every day the same story – Vanya does not want to go home and arranges a public performance … every day it gets harder.

In this situation, mother did not use all possible ways to avoid conflict. She could agree with Vanya that if at the end of the walk Vanya calmly goes home, he will receive a reward. (Of course, the surprise must be prepared in advance). It would be possible to beat: Vanya, the commander of the spaceship, should be given the opportunity to control the time himself, so that the crew would return to Earth on time! One could go looking for the treasure on the “map”, and the “treasure” is just “buried” near their entrance!

At this age the distraction method still works great. You just need to skillfully use it. Distractions like “look at that beautiful car is driving” do not work (or work once). A child’s mind is quite enough to figure out what the essence of a simple maneuver is. It is not the child who needs to be distracted, but the parent himself should be distracted: believable, sincere, as if not paying attention to the screaming baby. Be surprised, for example, by some interesting little thing that they allegedly just found in your pocket (take care of the strategic stock in advance). The main thing is that the subject of distraction deserves it. Show your imagination, and the result will delight you indescribably.

Do not forget that your child is growing up and will never be the way he is now, so you need to appreciate every moment now!

Oksana Petrova,

photo by Oleg Kozlov

The article uses the book by R. Khaziyeva “Children’s whims. A Practical Guide for Parents.

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Crisis 4-5 years, or when will it all end? | Official website

22

May

2019

Growing up of a child is accompanied by age-related crisis periods: rapid mental development, gradual knowledge and understanding of the surrounding world for a child of 4-5 years old is not an easy task.

Why is there a crisis?

When moving to a new age group, the child undergoes changes in behavior: he becomes capricious, wayward, disobedient, violently shows emotions. The child’s behavior is a kind of challenge to others, the desire to show their individuality, to become independent, to draw attention to themselves. Children 4-5 years old can do a lot: they have a sufficient vocabulary for communication, play activities, developed imagination, thinking, which allows you to get new interesting impressions about the world around you. The mind of a child develops very quickly. Along with it, the mood can change, which at this stage is characterized by unpredictability, undergoes a change in behavior – it becomes disorganized, chaotic. Whims, quirks, tantrums, protest – such manifestations are “rich” in the age crisis of a 4-5-year-old child.

But not everyone is so “bad”, some parents may say that they did not notice any special changes in their child.

Various factors can influence the duration of the crisis:

• family relationships, family upbringing style, communication with peers;
• child’s lifestyle;
• diseases or any pathologies;
• individual character traits and features of the psyche.

The crisis can last for several weeks, but it can take up to one year and a lot depends on the parents during this period!

What should parents do?

Let’s look at several factors that have a negative impact on the behavior of children during a crisis and offer appropriate practical recommendations to parents:

• The baby lives in a monotonous environment, there are no changes in activities. The mental and physical development of children requires that by the age of 4 they are able to move a lot and learn about the world around them. The kid should get used to the measured daily routine, but with a variety of interesting activities: obligatory cognitive walks should be replaced by short-term (no more than 15 minutes) homework – drawing, modeling, appliqué. In addition, it is important to involve the baby in every possible way in doing homework. Assistance in the kitchen or cleaning toys, etc. develops, improves mood, brings interest to the life of the baby, and he proudly tells everyone about his achievements;
• The child is withdrawn or shy. A kid of 4-5 years old can be unsure of his own abilities, withdraw into himself, and not communicate. He also may not speak well. In such cases, you need the help of a speech therapist or defectologist. How to be? Often directly inspire your child that he communicates well, give specific examples, because, for sure, the baby has a good friend. Note in your crumbs the mind, truthfulness, say that he is pleasant in communication. Do not criticize, but praise: for independent actions, initiative, the right decision. Let him take care of you, other family members, help in some business. Consult with the baby, when making decisions, take into account his opinion and emphasize it so that the child knows that his opinion matters.
• And now imagine that fifteen such whims met! What do you think, will their communication go smoothly on the same territory, with common toys? Often children 4-5 years old cannot communicate effectively in a group or in the yard. There are kids who can take away a toy, and there are those who give away their toys and stop communicating. What needs to be done? Those who are too active need to develop the ability to compromise, while those who are modest need to develop the ability to enter into a dialogue and defend their own interests. Always carefully understand what is the cause of the incident on the playground or in the group and teach your child to voice their requests, refusals or suggestions. Do not rush to go with claims to the parents of another child, if yours did not share something with him or they pushed each other, first talk with your child, because of which all the “cheese” is generally, because adults often swear , of course, out of good intentions, and children may already forget because of what the conflict began.

Psychologist’s advice for parents

• It is necessary to keep emotions under strict control. Any breakdown delays the solution of the problem for a longer time;
• Use elements of the game in communication with the child: distract, offer the opportunity to choose and take the initiative;
• Be consistent in words and actions, do not contradict yourself;
• Demand from the baby only what you yourself can do;
• Give the baby the opportunity to act independently, gradually let go of yourself;
• Discuss adult problems in the absence of a child.

• You can temporarily limit entertainment as light punishments, but it is unacceptable to use physical force, provoke scandals, inflict insults, use negative statements, shout or scold. The child’s psyche cannot bear such loads, such behavior of parents will undermine their authority in the eyes of the crumbs.
• Try to calmly find out what is bothering the baby, asking questions kindly, without unnecessary moralizing and without reproaching him.